Seein' red today

I'm angry today. I'm puttin' that out there so if you're not in the mood for reading about someone else's anger, you can switch pages now.  Fair warning....

I came home to an empty house because DJ is still in the hospital.  She is doing better and I think the programs she is taking part in are helping her tremendously.  I'm only guessing here with what I'm about to propose because she is still somewhat stiff upper lip with Bulldog and me, but I think she is getting to the core of her pain that she shoved inside to remain in the closet for 15 years, and pretended wasn't there when she finally came out.  It's a process that will take time and we will stand by whatever path helps her.

But when I came home to the empty house, I was already on a quiet simmer.  Maybe it's because I miss her-a lot.  Maybe it's because I knew I'd have to scoop the litter box since she isn't here to do it.  Maybe it's because my life is topsy turvy and I crave some regular routine...or maybe I'm wanting to blame the ignorant hate mongers in the world who helped put her where she is right now.

So, I headed down to the den in the basement-the room that we spent time and money on so DJ would have a place to entertain her friends, and a place to play music, compose music and perhaps get away from her parents.  I decided to finally put away some Christmas stuff that I had left there when I saw her guitar propped up next to the piano-looking unused and forgotten.  And then I started thinking about how much Bulldog and I both miss hearing her play the piano, and the guitar and how much I miss hearing the music she composes.  That's when I started to really boil...not in a way that makes me yell, because like I said, the house is empty and I get no satisfaction whatsoever from knowing that my goofball German Shepherd Calley and my ancient, 20 year old cat, Courtney, would feel the brunt of my verbal volcanics.

So, I grabbed my laptop and here I am.

Aside from our immediate family's concerns, I have a relative who was just released from the hospital.  Her serious, life threatening illness forced her to quite smoking cigarettes and pot.  She admittedly has been in various stages of a drug induced haze since her childhood when her father beat the crap out of her on a daily basis.  This cousin is also a lesbian, so when she wasn't getting beat at home, she was sometimes facing verbal abuse, or worse, in her hometown.  Our talk turned to the subject of Facebook where she shared that other, distant, family members were verbally bashing "freaks" like transgender folks.  I'm not sure if they verbally bashed gays and lesbians during this time, but they've been known to do it in the recent and not so recent past.  One of my family members spoke up wondering how I would feel if I were to see the posts.  The post was apparently deleted after her comment.  To my cousins' credit, and to the credit of Mimi, Bean and Flying Pig, none of them breathed a word to me.  And this happened nearly a year ago.  Since that time, the person who uttered the most hateful words of all has corresponded with me on occasion, on FB and through the old fashioned mail.  So, not only is she ignorant, but she is a coward as she pretends to befriend me while she mocks my child.  Yes, my child, not just transgender people, because I told her myself about DJ.  She knew about DJ when she made those comments.  I can and will consider it a direct insult to my child and anyone who shares a similar struggle.

So, my anger at this "relative" (a person who is older than I am and cannot be excused because her immaturity is in spite of her chronological age) easily blossomed into blaming her and everyone like her for much of DJ's suffering.  Yes, DJ would be struggling with the fact that some of her parts don't match who she feels she is anyway, but I think her struggles are magnified at least tenfold because of the bitter hatred and willful misunderstanding and maligning at the hands of much of society.  Why can't people just keep their hateful opinions to themselves?  My opinions are mine and you may not agree, but I don't spew poisons that incite hatred in others, publicly no less.

These folks want their world to be exactly as they see it, as far as their eyes can see.  It's not enough that they can live freely in their homes, or at work, on vacation, in church.  But they want public areas to be theirs too.  They want no censorship of their thoughts because they think the whole world is theirs and that they shouldn't have to share:  they shouldn't have to shut their traps if they don't want to, even if they hurt someone in the process; they don't want to have to take down religious icons from public places even though they can display them proudly in their homes, cars, their churches, on their person, because they want to see what they want no matter who they may offend or exclude.  And they act like Facebook belongs to them too. Yeah, right, the airwaves belong to each of us.  We can say what we want and "screw you if you don't like what I post, you don't have to read it".  Except yes I do when it pops up on my screen. By the time I realize what trash it is, I've already read it.  But I don't have to read it again.

Then, they get pissed off.  "It's a free country" they reply.  No, idiot-freedom of speech means you won't be thrown in jail for saying publicly that the president is a muslim or something equally stupid and irrelevant.  It does not mean you are protected from people taking issue with your position and perhaps deleting you from FB or their lives.  Ask the Dixie Chicks- they took a gamble, exercised their right to free speech and now their career is in the toilet.  That's the chance you take.

You know what's wrong with these folks?  They need to repeat kindergarten.  They need to learn how to share (the earth, the airwaves, public places, the government, the resources, but NOT their opinions please), to take turns, to not say anything at all if you can't say something nice, to be kind to your neighbor, to say "please" and "thank you" and to be courteous.  It's not like our kindergarten teachers said, "These are the rules, except for when you meet someone different than you. Then, you may disregard the aforementioned."

If only people could just shut the hell up in public arenas.  This is America;  bitch all you want in the comfort of your home and your car.  You must share the other spaces in the world with EVERYBODY.  We all have a F - - - - - - right to be here and to be who we are, as long as we are not hurting anyone.  And don't even start that crap about homosexuals "hurting" the institution of marriage.  If a cop can't put you in jail for it, or if your employer can't fire you for it, or if the ACLU can't successfully sue you for it, you're probably not actually "hurting" anyone.  Generally-and here's where I get to throw out the religion card-if it ain't in the Ten Commandments, you're probably ok.  Nothing in there about homosexuality, or transgenderism, hell, marriage isn't even defined there.  Follow those 10 rules pretty closely and you're not likely to hurt anyone.  I challenge the hate mongers, who usually use the Bible as their defense, to top that one.  The only "law" that tops that in the Bible is Jesus' commandment "to love each other as I have loved you."  Go ahead, try to tell me that your messages of hate and nonacceptance and exclusion don't violate that.

In the meantime, can I interest any of those verbose hate mongers in helping to pay for a hospital bill?  The way I figure it, you earned it more than DJ or we did.

Quoting the geniuses at AA

None of us ever move forward in a straight path, I don't guess.  We zig, we zag, we step backwards, we stall right where we are and then maybe we inch forward again.  I need to remind myself of that today.  Bulldog does too.  Today was just an ok day when we saw DJ.

Talking about how she feels is such a struggle for DJ.  The ways she expressed how she felt were becoming harmful to her.  However, the last few days have shown marked improvement until she deliberately knocked over her can of Ensure yesterday.  Still not ok to act on your feelings, but a whole lot better than the actions she was previously taking.  But still, talking is best.  We all know that.  But talking is not what she is able to do easily.  She avoids, she shrugs or (my personal favorite) acts like she didn't hear when I ask a question.  Today, we left asking ourselves, "Is it time for some tough love?"  Not the kind where you punish or beat your kid; the kind where you kind of say, "OK already-we're standing here.  You must find a way to speak up and not squander the resources that are here for you."

She's in the right place and as I said to Bulldog today, we have to trust that the folks that work there know what they're doing.  They have eons more experience with this.  Bulldog had expressed dismay that the therapist was quick to end the session when Jackie hit a frustrated brick wall.  Really, our time was up anyway, and perhaps it was appropriate.  "You can't get blood from a stone," I said.  I'm painting myself to be incredibly wise here, but that was just momentary, because then I brought up my Tough Love theory where we go into the next session with verbal guns blazing.....yeah, we swing back and forth, Bulldog and I, trying to figure out what the best path is.

Then, when Bulldog expressed that he had to attend some training-the last opportunity before some of his certifications expire-and might miss seeing DJ as a result, I quoted AA (Alcoholics Anonymous) when I said, "We have to just take it one day at a time."

Those words seem so trite sometimes, but if you've ever been in a truly desperate situation, you KNOW the veracity in them.

When I was a newly single mother following my first husband's suicide, the kids and I were at an all time low, of course.  I had separated from my first husband less than 2 months prior to his death. They were grieving losing him;  I was grieving for my kids' loss and for the possibility of never having a spouse ever again.  The days with the kids were   L  O  N  G.  It was summer break and we were together 24/7.  I relied HEAVILY on a girlfriend of mine to talk me through the depression, the panic, the boredom, the frustration-you name it.  This one afternoon, I had already leaned heavily on her and knew she needed time to be with her family.  I made myself promise that I would not call her for at least an hour-which seemed dreadfully, and unreachably long.  I literally started washing dishes and cleaning the kitchen telling myself, "You can get through the next few minutes and then worry about the next few minutes after that."  I was living minute to minute-how pathetic is that?  But I managed to not call her for over an hour.

Living a day at a time is a learned skill.  Most of us have never had to learn how to do it.  I've had some training so now I just need to remember how it's done.  Looking too far ahead is as frightening as Ebenezer Scrooge's walk with the Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come, so we just shouldn't do it unless absolutely necessary.

And if we're still feeling like crapola?  I will quote another AA byline:  We will "Fake it until we make it." Sometimes going about your day as if everything is ok, even when you feel like death warmed over, can distract you just enough to make you feel sorta.....ok, actually.  So, I did some laundry when we came home, I poured a glass of wine, I stripped the sheets from the guestroom bed and returned a couple of phone calls.  Maybe I'll end the night with a couple of smart @$$ remarks to Bulldog and maybe get a smirk out of him before we go to bed.  If not, an hour of "Friends" on DVD usually works.  If the hits keep coming, we'll keep ducking.  We won't look too far ahead and worry that we'll tire from ducking and not be able to duck anymore.  We'll just try to duck in time for the next hit.  We'll worry about the one after that, IF it comes.

In the meantime, we sleep pretty well because our girl is safe and is getting the help she needs.  We won't worry about if it's working yet, or if it will ever work-we'll take each day as it comes.  I wonder if we can get a pin for that...  

Blog supporters are the new Dr. Phil

Dear Blog Readers,

Your thoughts, even the tough ones, are helping me more than you know.  You all are like a bunch of therapists who don't charge a fee!!  But seriously, your compasses are helping to point Bulldog and me in the right direction and maybe DJ will gain some insight from your input as well.  Your cyber support is inspiring.  You all have become a regular part of my day now. Thank you.

With Affection,
The Author

Will the owner of this issue please stand up?

DJ is doing better, thank goodness. She talked about not being able to be herself in front of us, especially when she is in the company of her friends.  And in listening to her, I think I'm really getting that much of this is about her feelings about her.  I think she may have painted herself into a corner, in a manner of speaking.

Bulldog and I, well, mostly "I", could be accused of being "helicopter" parents.  We, again, mostly I, hover.  But we also are pretty darn good at hearing and respecting the "back off" message.  If DJ will not speak up about what she wants, needs, what irritates her, what we can do to help, etc., etc., how the heck can we know what to do, or what not to do?  Bulldog and I are pretty skilled about a lot of things, but ESP ain't one of our skills.  We have trouble reading our own individual minds, forget reading someone else's mind.  Hell, we can't even read each other's mind, which I personally think is a blessing.  I do not want anyone to know about the inner workings of my brain; the tour requires a guide who is fluent in the language of my brain and the languages of whoever is trying to understand me, poor soul.

DJ keeps talking about wanting a fresh start.  Flying Pig calls that "Geographic therapy."  No one is mocking DJ here, but don't we all entertain that thought?  And isn't that more a form of fantasy rather than something we can actually employ unless we want to go the path of Olivia Newton-John's former lover?  Google it-the dude just disappeared AND tried to make it look like he may have been a victim of foul play, but he was found out.  Even if he weren't found out, wouldn't his next life necessitate that he live a life of lies?

I don't think DJ gets that yet.  Her former life as JD was a life based on untruths and half truths.  It was necessary and it worked well for years, unless you consider that JD would spend quite a bit of time alone in his room so that DJ could disengage from acting like JD for awhile.  So, if DJ goes somewhere new, starts afresh, if she keeps the circumstances of what led her to this new life to herself, isn't she exactly where she started two years ago?  Isn't that sort of jumping from the frying pan into another frying pan?

My perspective is becoming pretty clear. She's got to learn to live in the skin she's in. Furthermore, while Bulldog and I may have a piece in this process, the lion's share of the puzzle pieces are hers.  FINALLY, I get it, Bulldog has gotten it all along; now we just have to wait for little miss can't be wrong to figure it out.  And I refer to DJ that way tongue in cheek because that very quality of hers, that she cannot be wrong, could get in her way.  I don't know where she gets that from (sheepish smirk), but she's been that way her entire life.

When she was about 6 years old, before we knew how poor her eyesight was, we passed a horse farm with the shrubbery trimmed in the shape of.....horses, of course.  She swore up and down they were lions.  All of us in the car explained what we saw, the irrationality of trimming bushes into the shape of lions at a horse farm, the logic of horse farm bushes resembling horses.  It didn't matter-she knew she was right.  Just like how she swore she saw Santa from  the upstairs hallway that looked into the family room when she was on her way to the bathroom. YEARS later, she acquiesed.  Hopefully, it won't take as long for her to realize her perspective just might have to shift a bit in this instance.  That maybe, just maybe, the reason she feels like she can't be herself is in her head, partly because she's a teenager and partly because she's still learning to feel comfortable in her own skin.

Bulldog and I are worn out, but it still feels so good to see a positive shift in her demeanor and outlook.  This past week has seemed excruciatingly long and we, luckily, were able to put our work-lives and personal lives on hold. This coming week, we will return to our lives and still support DJ where she's at, both personally and geographically.  And hopefully, she'll come to an understanding- on at least this one issue-that "being herself" is largely about her and has very little to do with us.  It's a lesson many of us will spend our lives learning and relearning. 

I'm me, you're you

Learning about boundaries has been my cross to bear recently and DJ's recent hospitalization has further highlighted the importance of my really getting where I end and she begins.  I know, many of you are probably very clear on that and I won't get into why I'm not clear on it, but suffice it to say that for years my being enmeshed with my loved ones worked  incredibly well at maintaining familial ties.

That caused, and causes, problems for me and the family member.  I feel responsible when I shouldn't, and I have difficulty letting my kids, in particular, spread their wings.  Let me rephrase, I let them spread their wings and encourage them to do so, but when they invariably crash, as all of us are wont to do, instead of letting them pick themselves up, and brush themselves off and try again, I attempt to do that for them.  Yeah, for those of you lovely people who have been wonderfully supportive by telling me I'm too hard on myself, I can practically hear you thinking, "You're doing it again!"but hear me out because really, I'm understanding the importance of cutting myself a break.

DJ came out the other day with a remark, or remarks, about how she can't be herself around us, etc., etc.  Here's where I have a part in that, and here's where I don't: it's my epiphany, if you will.  Maybe my piece is that my underlying anxiety about my kids' happiness has propelled to jump in when I shouldn't. Maybe I've inadvertently denied them the opportunity to figure out that they can stand up after they've been driven into the ground.  Maybe, even, my underlying aforementioned anxiety is something they sense and feel bad or responsible about and therefore want to avoid the situation by "putting on a front", at least in DJ's case.  Romeo and Goodwrench never put on fronts-they always came right out with what was on their minds.  Maybe my anxiety about their happiness feels like indirect pressure for them.

Conversely, perhaps DJ has also figured out, because she's a teenager, and that species of humanoids love to manipulate their parents, that by blaming us, she can hide behind a mechanism that I may have started, but she is content to use when it allows her to hide from herself.  So, what if I realized that my kids' happiness is not something I have to wallow in or be responsible for, but can simply observe from the sidelines, and assist with when asked?  What if, for my sake, and theirs, I didn't make my happiness contingent on theirs?  Wouldn't that relieve me, and them, of a burden that I never intended to carry or have them carry?  And wouldn't that, then, allow them to figure out what they're made of?

So then, when DJ tries to lay full responsibility of not feeling like she can be herself at home, I can say, "I'm listening, tell me what you mean" while not buying into the idea that if she feels this way, it is all my fault!  I'm willing to accept that I may have been a part of the problem, but this newfound realization makes me know that because she and I are not joined at the hip, and because Bulldog and I have made huge efforts at helping, that this issue might be something she needs to explore within herself; some of which we can help her with by shifting our methods of communication, and much of which she will have to be responsible for by altering her methods of communicating her needs and wants to us, or to anyone, for that matter.

I am not one of those people who think that God creates problems and gives them to people so that they may learn a specific lesson.  If that's your god, you're welcome to keep him.  BUT, I do believe that when tough and painful situations arise, God's love, or the energy in the universe that connects us to each other, (I'm open to any possibility because I don't have the answers, nor do I believe any one group has the answers), works as a tool, or a means of helping us to wrought good from a bad situation.  

Bulldog and I are beat @$$ tired, and wrung out, frustrated and wish we could help DJ, but we're also at a place of acceptance, in a manner of speaking.  And when you're ready to let go, you're ready to grab onto the next hope of possibility.  Now, we'll see how I feel after we see her tonight;  I have to hold tightly to this new perspective.

Lean on me...I am, I am

I am so thankful to have started this blog.  I thought I was passing on some of what we've learned;  little did I conceive of how much wisdom others would be kind enough to share, as well.

Bulldog and I can swing quite easily from feeling like we've dropped the ball to wondering, seriously what the hell else could we have done to help DJ avoid the pit she feels like she's in right now.  It's a tough place to be in, as any parent can attest.  There's a fine line between doing for your kid so that they can and will help themselves, and doing so much for your kid that they won't accept responsibility for their portion of the work required.  Your reminders and support help keep us grounded, otherwise we'd be catapulting our way down that slippery slope of codependence.

DJ shared with us, for the few moments we could see her yesterday, that she felt she couldn't be herself around us. She went on to say that she didn't feel like she was part of the family.  That revelation blew me away and I, immediately and simultaneously, felt responsible and like she was out of her cotton pickin' mind.  How did we ever make her feel that way?  Each person in our family gets along better with her than each other, in most instances.  Now, maybe that's a double edged sword-a blessing and a burden to be the person that other family members gravitate to.  But it's seldom in a way that we burden her, more that she's more easy going and fun to be around.  She's the most low-maintenance person in our family.  I don't believe in assigning labels to family members particularly if they are negative or assume that no one else in the family can be the "easy going one", but sometimes the labels are a result or outgrowth of a person's natural tendencies toward certain personality traits.  So which came first, the chicken or the egg?

Maybe DJ feels we assigned her certain roles that she is resisting, or maybe she is just being a teenager who is resisting her parents and wants to believe we are conducting ourselves as parents a certain way, because she's TG.  She's not giving us much info at the moment, but we'll be patient and wait until she shares her feelings with us.

In the meantime, I will continue to touch base with you fine folks because you're helping me.  Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

Six Feet Under

Bulldog and I are reeling.  DJ has been attempting to hide how depressed she feels for a number of months now, and we finally got to the bottom of it.  She checked into a facility that can support her and help her get back on her feet.  Thank GOD for professional people who care, genuinely care, about our girl.

Bulldog and I take turns falling apart.  It's hard to see our daughter reach this point where the pain is so unbearable that she just can't bear it anymore.  The tiredness we saw in her face was simultaneously disheartening and encouraging.  When a person is tired of fighting something in the only way she knew how, and is ready to give up, then she's also ready to deal with the pain instead of avoiding it.  Then, maybe, just maybe, she can control the pain somewhat instead of the pain controlling her.

Bulldog at one point mirrored back to me exactly what I had been thinking:  what happens to the kids who don't have resources?  Our kid has a good support system in the form of her parents and family, her therapist and her doctors and she still folded to the overwhelming pressures of society's non-acceptance and shunning.  Granted, I would have folded a long time ago, so I am not negatively judging DJ for finally succumbing to the rejection.  But what the hell happens to the kids who don't have any support or resources?

We know what happens to many of them, don't we?  There seems to be no way out because in their world, there truly is no way out.  I do not advocate suicide-ever- but try to explain to a 15 year old who has no acceptance at home or out in the world that if he/she can just hang in there until she's an adult, that everything will suddenly be ok.  Seriously?  No wonder suicide seems like a viable alternative.  Again, I do not advocate suicide-EVER- but we are fooling ourselves if we don't recognize how attractive an alternative it must seem to be to people who spend nearly every waking second of their day on the outside looking in.  OH.  MY.  GOD.  When the implications of that truly sink in, it's overwhelming to contemplate.

So, parents, if you're struggling with accepting your kid, let me remind you again of what you may face if you can't find a way to overcome your struggles:  you can lose your child to a desperate act of violence that your child takes against him or herself.  Instead of spending, or borrowing, thousands of dollars for college tuition, or a car, or the deposit on an apartment, you could be spending that same money on a funeral and a headstone that will sit in a cemetery getting rained on, and snowed on, and neglected when you're not there.  THAT will be your future with your child.

We have done nearly everything parents can do to love and accept our child and STILL the pressures of non-acceptance out in the world invaded the safe place we attempted to create for our beloved daughter.  We're lucky because we are pain in the ass people who are compulsive about our kids so not much gets by us.  Our jobs out in the world have prepared us to look at our kids under a microscope, thank goodness, so we recognized what we saw almost as soon as we saw it. That, and the fact that DJ has a best friend, Sister Chromatid, who alerted us as soon as she knew DJ was in trouble. (We love, love, love Sister Chromatid.  She's a tiny package full to the brim with love and exuberance.) And even with all that in place, the world still got to DJ.  We're here to catch her and she will be ok.  But what about the kids and the adults who don't have the safety net?  Where do they end up, oftentimes?  Six feet under....

So, to repeat information on resources:  please check out the links on the blog.  PFLAG has support groups that meet monthly in many places.  That once a month meeting could be your kid's lifeline.  If you or your child are at the end of your rope, or will be soon, try the TREVOR HOTLINE at 1-866-488-7386.  They are wonderful.  Can't get to a meeting?  Go online to Laura's Playground for online chat rooms.  Don't have a computer, consider going to the public library.  If not, call the TREVOR HOTLINE as a minimum.  Anyone interested in becoming part of an online support group that maybe we can establish?  I can try to learn everything I can to get this thing up and running-we need to be part of the solution folks.  We have to find a way to add to the pot of resources for those who have limited access to resources....Please help.