Sunday, January 22, 2012

Musta been PMS

I am not one to normally blame PMS for my mood irregularities.  And yes, you do not have to be a menstruating woman to experience them since they are often the result of hormonal influences.  Women of all walks of life likely have some kind of experience with our hormones getting the best of us.

I woke up with wicked cramps this morning, so I am going to chalk my ire and mania and hysteria to the aforementioned hormones.  It's my crutch and I'll lean on it if I want to!!  Poor, poor Bulldog was the recipient of my moodiness last night.  I had rearranged the furniture in the den after cleaning up and Bulldog comes up from downstairs stating, in a solemn tone, "You'd better call the police. Someone broke into our basement.  pause...And they rearranged the furniture."

I don't know why, because I seldom panic, but during the" police, broke in", etc., and before the furniture remark, I got scared.  When I realized his (albeit lame) joke, I had a mini-meltdown.

"What the hell were you thinking? You scared the crap out of me?!"

Then, the next morning, I got on my rant about the anti-woman sentiments that exist in this world.  I'll spare you the details, as the look on Bulldog's face is etched into my brain and serves to remind me that my howling at the moon is not only annoying as s---, but serves no purpose whatsoever.  And really, it's a smokescreen for what's really bothering me-the worry that DJ will not be ok.

I cannot cry easily- I wish I could but I've got 30 years of holding it back out of necessity for any number of reasons that I will not recount right now.  It's been a great tool for me for a very a long time, but now, I can't get to my sadness except through my anger.  This is unfortunate for me because I can't easily access my feelings.  And poor Bulldog usually receives the brunt of my anger as I'm trying to access my sadness, feelings of loss, fears, anxieties, etc.

So until I find a way to access those feelings, I've decided that when I start crying over spilled milk, that I will recognize that urge to whine as a sign that something else is going on;  before I get on my pulpit, that I should instead take a step backward before I give in to the urge to verbally purge, unless I can be more constructive.  Sometimes I have to put my issues in boxes to be able to deal with them one at a time.  A new spin on one day at a time issue at a time and break it down into small bites.

DJ update

DJ is doing much better.  She has been transferred to an eating disorders unit where she is content to be.  She made a couple of jokes yesterday and asked for staff paper so she can compose some music while she is there.

What a blessing to see her act more like herself.  It's a tonic for my nerves, to quote some old movie or book that I can't recall at the moment.  The work she is doing is pretty intensive.  She is completely immersed in an environment that encourages looking inside yourself and finding ways to come to terms with your feelings and your reality.  Not only will they help her become physically healthy again, but also emotionally more healthy.

Get this:  our insurance company has sent DJ a letter encouraging her to complete the program and promised a $20 gift card to Target if she does.  WHAT?!!  Since when did insurance companies become kind and supportive?  The opera ain't over till the fat lady sings and she hasn't sung yet, so they could still act like butt-heads later, but for now, it was a pretty pleasant surprise.

Bulldog and I are hoping to come up with social support system for when she comes home.  It's hard to find support groups.  And we also are letting go of the idea of DJ having the typical high school experience-and we're entertaining the possibility of creating one for her and others who face similar struggles.

Wouldn't it be awesome to have a PFLAG prom? LGBTQ folks and any LGBTQ or straight folks who love them would be welcome.  It's something I'm thinking about and am not sure how to get it off the ground since there is no group closer than 50 miles from my home.  Any ideas?

The comments and support that you have offered have been like this invisible safety net so that even when I fall, my butt doesn't even touch the ground. Thank you :)