I am so thankful to have started this blog. I thought I was passing on some of what we've learned; little did I conceive of how much wisdom others would be kind enough to share, as well.
Bulldog and I can swing quite easily from feeling like we've dropped the ball to wondering, seriously what the hell else could we have done to help DJ avoid the pit she feels like she's in right now. It's a tough place to be in, as any parent can attest. There's a fine line between doing for your kid so that they can and will help themselves, and doing so much for your kid that they won't accept responsibility for their portion of the work required. Your reminders and support help keep us grounded, otherwise we'd be catapulting our way down that slippery slope of codependence.
DJ shared with us, for the few moments we could see her yesterday, that she felt she couldn't be herself around us. She went on to say that she didn't feel like she was part of the family. That revelation blew me away and I, immediately and simultaneously, felt responsible and like she was out of her cotton pickin' mind. How did we ever make her feel that way? Each person in our family gets along better with her than each other, in most instances. Now, maybe that's a double edged sword-a blessing and a burden to be the person that other family members gravitate to. But it's seldom in a way that we burden her, more that she's more easy going and fun to be around. She's the most low-maintenance person in our family. I don't believe in assigning labels to family members particularly if they are negative or assume that no one else in the family can be the "easy going one", but sometimes the labels are a result or outgrowth of a person's natural tendencies toward certain personality traits. So which came first, the chicken or the egg?
Maybe DJ feels we assigned her certain roles that she is resisting, or maybe she is just being a teenager who is resisting her parents and wants to believe we are conducting ourselves as parents a certain way, because she's TG. She's not giving us much info at the moment, but we'll be patient and wait until she shares her feelings with us.
In the meantime, I will continue to touch base with you fine folks because you're helping me. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.
Bulldog and I can swing quite easily from feeling like we've dropped the ball to wondering, seriously what the hell else could we have done to help DJ avoid the pit she feels like she's in right now. It's a tough place to be in, as any parent can attest. There's a fine line between doing for your kid so that they can and will help themselves, and doing so much for your kid that they won't accept responsibility for their portion of the work required. Your reminders and support help keep us grounded, otherwise we'd be catapulting our way down that slippery slope of codependence.
DJ shared with us, for the few moments we could see her yesterday, that she felt she couldn't be herself around us. She went on to say that she didn't feel like she was part of the family. That revelation blew me away and I, immediately and simultaneously, felt responsible and like she was out of her cotton pickin' mind. How did we ever make her feel that way? Each person in our family gets along better with her than each other, in most instances. Now, maybe that's a double edged sword-a blessing and a burden to be the person that other family members gravitate to. But it's seldom in a way that we burden her, more that she's more easy going and fun to be around. She's the most low-maintenance person in our family. I don't believe in assigning labels to family members particularly if they are negative or assume that no one else in the family can be the "easy going one", but sometimes the labels are a result or outgrowth of a person's natural tendencies toward certain personality traits. So which came first, the chicken or the egg?
Maybe DJ feels we assigned her certain roles that she is resisting, or maybe she is just being a teenager who is resisting her parents and wants to believe we are conducting ourselves as parents a certain way, because she's TG. She's not giving us much info at the moment, but we'll be patient and wait until she shares her feelings with us.
In the meantime, I will continue to touch base with you fine folks because you're helping me. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.
Pam:
ReplyDeleteIt's not about "what else could we have done".
So, do NOT beat yourself up. I can't imagine any parents who could have handled this journey any better, or EVEN as well as you two have. It's about DJ learning to communicate better with you and vice versa. This is an incredible journey that all of you are making. Mistakes are bound to be made. Hang in there!
JS
So, in other words, she's a teenager?
ReplyDeleteMy son and I had our moments when he was a teenager. We are a lot alike, love each other to death, and yet STILL we found ourselves at each others throats every once in a while.
My daughter is only 8, so I have yet to experience the wonders of having a teenaged daughter (groan) but I'd have to imagine that there are going to be rough spots with her too.
Add being TG into the mix and I figure that have to expect moments here and there.
She probably feels like she's not a member of the family because she- as DJ- is still a new member of the family. For years DJ wasn't part of the family as everyone saw her as JD. Now, she is probably mourning who JD represented in the family, as well as feeling "new." Like a long lost relative.
ReplyDeleteErin-I hadn't thought of that before. I'll have to share this will Bulldog and DJ and get their input. Sometimes, well most of the time, it's hard for DJ to articulate what she means to say, maybe this is partly what she's getting at. Thanks woman!
ReplyDelete