DJ is doing better, thank goodness. She talked about not being able to be herself in front of us, especially when she is in the company of her friends. And in listening to her, I think I'm really getting that much of this is about her feelings about her. I think she may have painted herself into a corner, in a manner of speaking.
Bulldog and I, well, mostly "I", could be accused of being "helicopter" parents. We, again, mostly I, hover. But we also are pretty darn good at hearing and respecting the "back off" message. If DJ will not speak up about what she wants, needs, what irritates her, what we can do to help, etc., etc., how the heck can we know what to do, or what not to do? Bulldog and I are pretty skilled about a lot of things, but ESP ain't one of our skills. We have trouble reading our own individual minds, forget reading someone else's mind. Hell, we can't even read each other's mind, which I personally think is a blessing. I do not want anyone to know about the inner workings of my brain; the tour requires a guide who is fluent in the language of my brain and the languages of whoever is trying to understand me, poor soul.
DJ keeps talking about wanting a fresh start. Flying Pig calls that "Geographic therapy." No one is mocking DJ here, but don't we all entertain that thought? And isn't that more a form of fantasy rather than something we can actually employ unless we want to go the path of Olivia Newton-John's former lover? Google it-the dude just disappeared AND tried to make it look like he may have been a victim of foul play, but he was found out. Even if he weren't found out, wouldn't his next life necessitate that he live a life of lies?
I don't think DJ gets that yet. Her former life as JD was a life based on untruths and half truths. It was necessary and it worked well for years, unless you consider that JD would spend quite a bit of time alone in his room so that DJ could disengage from acting like JD for awhile. So, if DJ goes somewhere new, starts afresh, if she keeps the circumstances of what led her to this new life to herself, isn't she exactly where she started two years ago? Isn't that sort of jumping from the frying pan into another frying pan?
My perspective is becoming pretty clear. She's got to learn to live in the skin she's in. Furthermore, while Bulldog and I may have a piece in this process, the lion's share of the puzzle pieces are hers. FINALLY, I get it, Bulldog has gotten it all along; now we just have to wait for little miss can't be wrong to figure it out. And I refer to DJ that way tongue in cheek because that very quality of hers, that she cannot be wrong, could get in her way. I don't know where she gets that from (sheepish smirk), but she's been that way her entire life.
When she was about 6 years old, before we knew how poor her eyesight was, we passed a horse farm with the shrubbery trimmed in the shape of.....horses, of course. She swore up and down they were lions. All of us in the car explained what we saw, the irrationality of trimming bushes into the shape of lions at a horse farm, the logic of horse farm bushes resembling horses. It didn't matter-she knew she was right. Just like how she swore she saw Santa from the upstairs hallway that looked into the family room when she was on her way to the bathroom. YEARS later, she acquiesed. Hopefully, it won't take as long for her to realize her perspective just might have to shift a bit in this instance. That maybe, just maybe, the reason she feels like she can't be herself is in her head, partly because she's a teenager and partly because she's still learning to feel comfortable in her own skin.
Bulldog and I are worn out, but it still feels so good to see a positive shift in her demeanor and outlook. This past week has seemed excruciatingly long and we, luckily, were able to put our work-lives and personal lives on hold. This coming week, we will return to our lives and still support DJ where she's at, both personally and geographically. And hopefully, she'll come to an understanding- on at least this one issue-that "being herself" is largely about her and has very little to do with us. It's a lesson many of us will spend our lives learning and relearning.
Bulldog and I, well, mostly "I", could be accused of being "helicopter" parents. We, again, mostly I, hover. But we also are pretty darn good at hearing and respecting the "back off" message. If DJ will not speak up about what she wants, needs, what irritates her, what we can do to help, etc., etc., how the heck can we know what to do, or what not to do? Bulldog and I are pretty skilled about a lot of things, but ESP ain't one of our skills. We have trouble reading our own individual minds, forget reading someone else's mind. Hell, we can't even read each other's mind, which I personally think is a blessing. I do not want anyone to know about the inner workings of my brain; the tour requires a guide who is fluent in the language of my brain and the languages of whoever is trying to understand me, poor soul.
DJ keeps talking about wanting a fresh start. Flying Pig calls that "Geographic therapy." No one is mocking DJ here, but don't we all entertain that thought? And isn't that more a form of fantasy rather than something we can actually employ unless we want to go the path of Olivia Newton-John's former lover? Google it-the dude just disappeared AND tried to make it look like he may have been a victim of foul play, but he was found out. Even if he weren't found out, wouldn't his next life necessitate that he live a life of lies?
I don't think DJ gets that yet. Her former life as JD was a life based on untruths and half truths. It was necessary and it worked well for years, unless you consider that JD would spend quite a bit of time alone in his room so that DJ could disengage from acting like JD for awhile. So, if DJ goes somewhere new, starts afresh, if she keeps the circumstances of what led her to this new life to herself, isn't she exactly where she started two years ago? Isn't that sort of jumping from the frying pan into another frying pan?
My perspective is becoming pretty clear. She's got to learn to live in the skin she's in. Furthermore, while Bulldog and I may have a piece in this process, the lion's share of the puzzle pieces are hers. FINALLY, I get it, Bulldog has gotten it all along; now we just have to wait for little miss can't be wrong to figure it out. And I refer to DJ that way tongue in cheek because that very quality of hers, that she cannot be wrong, could get in her way. I don't know where she gets that from (sheepish smirk), but she's been that way her entire life.
When she was about 6 years old, before we knew how poor her eyesight was, we passed a horse farm with the shrubbery trimmed in the shape of.....horses, of course. She swore up and down they were lions. All of us in the car explained what we saw, the irrationality of trimming bushes into the shape of lions at a horse farm, the logic of horse farm bushes resembling horses. It didn't matter-she knew she was right. Just like how she swore she saw Santa from the upstairs hallway that looked into the family room when she was on her way to the bathroom. YEARS later, she acquiesed. Hopefully, it won't take as long for her to realize her perspective just might have to shift a bit in this instance. That maybe, just maybe, the reason she feels like she can't be herself is in her head, partly because she's a teenager and partly because she's still learning to feel comfortable in her own skin.
Bulldog and I are worn out, but it still feels so good to see a positive shift in her demeanor and outlook. This past week has seemed excruciatingly long and we, luckily, were able to put our work-lives and personal lives on hold. This coming week, we will return to our lives and still support DJ where she's at, both personally and geographically. And hopefully, she'll come to an understanding- on at least this one issue-that "being herself" is largely about her and has very little to do with us. It's a lesson many of us will spend our lives learning and relearning.
At times it must be so hard to know what to do and doing 'nothing' must be harder still.
ReplyDeleteI am hoping things get easier for you all in the weeks to come.
Becca
Dear Becca, Today was a good day, as was yesterday. I'm trying to keep that "one day at a time perspective". Seeing DJ smile is a gift. Thanks for your kind words and your support.
DeleteIf she's interested
ReplyDeleteDear Unknown-WOW. I can see your point, but some of us see "acceptance" as more than tolerance. I tolerate my husband leaving the toilet seat up; I (try to ) accept that he must unplug every unused light fixture in the house because saving money equals security to him. What you're saying makes so much sense in many ways, and it will make me rethink how I think and act and react. I can't speak for others, but I know that what I want to offer DJ is seeing her as she sees herself because that's what we all want. I hear what the author is saying and it's definitely worth spending more time thinking about. Thanks for sharing....
ReplyDeleteWhat I"m trying to say, poorly, is that tolerance is only not reacting overtly negatively while acceptance is wanting to understand the "why" of something to facilitate reacting positively to the person in front of you.
ReplyDeleteHi I/M,
ReplyDeleteThe post is really written for the person transitioning, it's not directed so much at those around her, and also not written to criticize anyone. Just help those who need it to get their head in the right space
Xo
As someone who will never transition, and so is forced to live a bit of a double life, my situation is obviously different from daughter. Still, there are parallels.
ReplyDeleteI travel the nation (and sometimes world) and have met with dozens or even hundreds of people in my journeys. With the vast majority of them, I am perfectly comfortable "being me".
Now put me in front of my wife who has seen me at my best and at my worst, and it's an entirely different matter. She has seen the ugly old man that drools on pillows and snores loud enough to run her out of the room. She has seen me at my most macho, as a sergeant in the US Army, as the unshaven dude who mows the lawn, demolishes swimming pools, puts in tile floors.
Given all of this, it is pretty much impossible for me to come off as little Ms Kimberly around her. More significant than how I 'act' around her is how I feel. Around her I feel reserved, self conscious, restricted.
Unless I miss my guess, your daughter probably feels a little bit like that around you. You have known her as a boy, you have known her 'at her worst', and maybe knowing this makes her feel self conscious on some level.
So how do you fix that? Short of packing her off to live with someone else that she didn't grow up with, I'll be damned if I know! I would assume that it may go away with time as the memories of JD get older and a bit more vague.
I think it boils down to exactly what you said - she must learn to be comfortable in her own skin.
Kimberly- I just checked the blog after many years- I miss you!
DeleteThe point made so eloquently by Kimberly was something that I had thought when I read this post originally.
ReplyDeleteI had a similar issue with my partner. Despite her encouragement I found it exceptionally hard to dress in front of her. It took a long while to throw off the feeling that I was being judged and she didn't see me as I felt inside. What changed for me was accepting that the most important thing was my own acceptance of myself.
Becca