Bulldog and I are reeling. DJ has been attempting to hide how depressed she feels for a number of months now, and we finally got to the bottom of it. She checked into a facility that can support her and help her get back on her feet. Thank GOD for professional people who care, genuinely care, about our girl.
Bulldog and I take turns falling apart. It's hard to see our daughter reach this point where the pain is so unbearable that she just can't bear it anymore. The tiredness we saw in her face was simultaneously disheartening and encouraging. When a person is tired of fighting something in the only way she knew how, and is ready to give up, then she's also ready to deal with the pain instead of avoiding it. Then, maybe, just maybe, she can control the pain somewhat instead of the pain controlling her.
Bulldog at one point mirrored back to me exactly what I had been thinking: what happens to the kids who don't have resources? Our kid has a good support system in the form of her parents and family, her therapist and her doctors and she still folded to the overwhelming pressures of society's non-acceptance and shunning. Granted, I would have folded a long time ago, so I am not negatively judging DJ for finally succumbing to the rejection. But what the hell happens to the kids who don't have any support or resources?
We know what happens to many of them, don't we? There seems to be no way out because in their world, there truly is no way out. I do not advocate suicide-ever- but try to explain to a 15 year old who has no acceptance at home or out in the world that if he/she can just hang in there until she's an adult, that everything will suddenly be ok. Seriously? No wonder suicide seems like a viable alternative. Again, I do not advocate suicide-EVER- but we are fooling ourselves if we don't recognize how attractive an alternative it must seem to be to people who spend nearly every waking second of their day on the outside looking in. OH. MY. GOD. When the implications of that truly sink in, it's overwhelming to contemplate.
So, parents, if you're struggling with accepting your kid, let me remind you again of what you may face if you can't find a way to overcome your struggles: you can lose your child to a desperate act of violence that your child takes against him or herself. Instead of spending, or borrowing, thousands of dollars for college tuition, or a car, or the deposit on an apartment, you could be spending that same money on a funeral and a headstone that will sit in a cemetery getting rained on, and snowed on, and neglected when you're not there. THAT will be your future with your child.
We have done nearly everything parents can do to love and accept our child and STILL the pressures of non-acceptance out in the world invaded the safe place we attempted to create for our beloved daughter. We're lucky because we are pain in the ass people who are compulsive about our kids so not much gets by us. Our jobs out in the world have prepared us to look at our kids under a microscope, thank goodness, so we recognized what we saw almost as soon as we saw it. That, and the fact that DJ has a best friend, Sister Chromatid, who alerted us as soon as she knew DJ was in trouble. (We love, love, love Sister Chromatid. She's a tiny package full to the brim with love and exuberance.) And even with all that in place, the world still got to DJ. We're here to catch her and she will be ok. But what about the kids and the adults who don't have the safety net? Where do they end up, oftentimes? Six feet under....
So, to repeat information on resources: please check out the links on the blog. PFLAG has support groups that meet monthly in many places. That once a month meeting could be your kid's lifeline. If you or your child are at the end of your rope, or will be soon, try the TREVOR HOTLINE at 1-866-488-7386. They are wonderful. Can't get to a meeting? Go online to Laura's Playground for online chat rooms. Don't have a computer, consider going to the public library. If not, call the TREVOR HOTLINE as a minimum. Anyone interested in becoming part of an online support group that maybe we can establish? I can try to learn everything I can to get this thing up and running-we need to be part of the solution folks. We have to find a way to add to the pot of resources for those who have limited access to resources....Please help.
Bulldog and I take turns falling apart. It's hard to see our daughter reach this point where the pain is so unbearable that she just can't bear it anymore. The tiredness we saw in her face was simultaneously disheartening and encouraging. When a person is tired of fighting something in the only way she knew how, and is ready to give up, then she's also ready to deal with the pain instead of avoiding it. Then, maybe, just maybe, she can control the pain somewhat instead of the pain controlling her.
Bulldog at one point mirrored back to me exactly what I had been thinking: what happens to the kids who don't have resources? Our kid has a good support system in the form of her parents and family, her therapist and her doctors and she still folded to the overwhelming pressures of society's non-acceptance and shunning. Granted, I would have folded a long time ago, so I am not negatively judging DJ for finally succumbing to the rejection. But what the hell happens to the kids who don't have any support or resources?
We know what happens to many of them, don't we? There seems to be no way out because in their world, there truly is no way out. I do not advocate suicide-ever- but try to explain to a 15 year old who has no acceptance at home or out in the world that if he/she can just hang in there until she's an adult, that everything will suddenly be ok. Seriously? No wonder suicide seems like a viable alternative. Again, I do not advocate suicide-EVER- but we are fooling ourselves if we don't recognize how attractive an alternative it must seem to be to people who spend nearly every waking second of their day on the outside looking in. OH. MY. GOD. When the implications of that truly sink in, it's overwhelming to contemplate.
So, parents, if you're struggling with accepting your kid, let me remind you again of what you may face if you can't find a way to overcome your struggles: you can lose your child to a desperate act of violence that your child takes against him or herself. Instead of spending, or borrowing, thousands of dollars for college tuition, or a car, or the deposit on an apartment, you could be spending that same money on a funeral and a headstone that will sit in a cemetery getting rained on, and snowed on, and neglected when you're not there. THAT will be your future with your child.
We have done nearly everything parents can do to love and accept our child and STILL the pressures of non-acceptance out in the world invaded the safe place we attempted to create for our beloved daughter. We're lucky because we are pain in the ass people who are compulsive about our kids so not much gets by us. Our jobs out in the world have prepared us to look at our kids under a microscope, thank goodness, so we recognized what we saw almost as soon as we saw it. That, and the fact that DJ has a best friend, Sister Chromatid, who alerted us as soon as she knew DJ was in trouble. (We love, love, love Sister Chromatid. She's a tiny package full to the brim with love and exuberance.) And even with all that in place, the world still got to DJ. We're here to catch her and she will be ok. But what about the kids and the adults who don't have the safety net? Where do they end up, oftentimes? Six feet under....
So, to repeat information on resources: please check out the links on the blog. PFLAG has support groups that meet monthly in many places. That once a month meeting could be your kid's lifeline. If you or your child are at the end of your rope, or will be soon, try the TREVOR HOTLINE at 1-866-488-7386. They are wonderful. Can't get to a meeting? Go online to Laura's Playground for online chat rooms. Don't have a computer, consider going to the public library. If not, call the TREVOR HOTLINE as a minimum. Anyone interested in becoming part of an online support group that maybe we can establish? I can try to learn everything I can to get this thing up and running-we need to be part of the solution folks. We have to find a way to add to the pot of resources for those who have limited access to resources....Please help.
What kind of rejection has DJ faced? A transitioned 15 year old MTF transsexual faces idiots on occasion but it is usually parents of other children.
ReplyDeleteIn my experiences with teenage transitioned MTF transsexuals the relief of being themselves helps them greatly. The main issue of most MTF transitioned transsexual children is the issue of either being required to wait til 16 for hormones or til 18 for SRS.
In the cases I have been involved with the actual hormone therapy started at the correct age helped immeasurably because the child saw the transformation of their bodies at the correct age and were able to see the changes like other genetic girls of similar age.
I hope DJ gets better.
Wow! I'm really sorry to hear things got this bad. You all have my heartfelt best wishes (and that comes from someone who, herself, also has and does still face similar pain and difficulty).
ReplyDeleteNow is really not the time to mention this and I appologise if I seem rude or inconsiderate/insensitive for doing so, but I feel I need to point out that there is actually no garantee that if people hold on until they are adults, that things will be ok. In truth those that do not find acceptance from family and who are forced to hold on until they become young adults often face far worse odds, as they end up being forced to do everything alone and unsupported and often with very little (or nothing) in the way of finacial ability to achieve what they need to.
Part of the reason I write in the seemingly mean way that I do is because it is hard! Sometimes impossibly so, and people should be told that. Sadly, it's a fight, and only the strong survive.
Love and best wishes to you and yours in your time of need.
Van
We love you and are here, whenever and for whatever you may need. xoxo
ReplyDeleteHugs to all of you
ReplyDeleteThe Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (SAMHSA) supports a Suicide Prevention Hotline, available 24-7: 1-800-273-TALK (8255). Also, SAMHSA has partnered with Facebook so that people can report suicidal comments posted to FB so that mental health professionals can follow-up with the individual via FB chat to provide support. See http://1.usa.gov/t00eiH for more information. I should clarify that these are U.S. resources, since I see there are viewers from other parts of the world.
ReplyDeleteOh gosh I need to read every day! I had been wondering where you were on Facebook and came here to find out! My heart is breaking for DJ- it sounds so cliche but it WILL get better! There is a world out there that loves her. Stay strong, Pam. So many of us love and care about you and DJ. Prayers and love during this time!!
ReplyDelete