Lean on me...I am, I am

I am so thankful to have started this blog.  I thought I was passing on some of what we've learned;  little did I conceive of how much wisdom others would be kind enough to share, as well.

Bulldog and I can swing quite easily from feeling like we've dropped the ball to wondering, seriously what the hell else could we have done to help DJ avoid the pit she feels like she's in right now.  It's a tough place to be in, as any parent can attest.  There's a fine line between doing for your kid so that they can and will help themselves, and doing so much for your kid that they won't accept responsibility for their portion of the work required.  Your reminders and support help keep us grounded, otherwise we'd be catapulting our way down that slippery slope of codependence.

DJ shared with us, for the few moments we could see her yesterday, that she felt she couldn't be herself around us. She went on to say that she didn't feel like she was part of the family.  That revelation blew me away and I, immediately and simultaneously, felt responsible and like she was out of her cotton pickin' mind.  How did we ever make her feel that way?  Each person in our family gets along better with her than each other, in most instances.  Now, maybe that's a double edged sword-a blessing and a burden to be the person that other family members gravitate to.  But it's seldom in a way that we burden her, more that she's more easy going and fun to be around.  She's the most low-maintenance person in our family.  I don't believe in assigning labels to family members particularly if they are negative or assume that no one else in the family can be the "easy going one", but sometimes the labels are a result or outgrowth of a person's natural tendencies toward certain personality traits.  So which came first, the chicken or the egg?

Maybe DJ feels we assigned her certain roles that she is resisting, or maybe she is just being a teenager who is resisting her parents and wants to believe we are conducting ourselves as parents a certain way, because she's TG.  She's not giving us much info at the moment, but we'll be patient and wait until she shares her feelings with us.

In the meantime, I will continue to touch base with you fine folks because you're helping me.  Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

Six Feet Under

Bulldog and I are reeling.  DJ has been attempting to hide how depressed she feels for a number of months now, and we finally got to the bottom of it.  She checked into a facility that can support her and help her get back on her feet.  Thank GOD for professional people who care, genuinely care, about our girl.

Bulldog and I take turns falling apart.  It's hard to see our daughter reach this point where the pain is so unbearable that she just can't bear it anymore.  The tiredness we saw in her face was simultaneously disheartening and encouraging.  When a person is tired of fighting something in the only way she knew how, and is ready to give up, then she's also ready to deal with the pain instead of avoiding it.  Then, maybe, just maybe, she can control the pain somewhat instead of the pain controlling her.

Bulldog at one point mirrored back to me exactly what I had been thinking:  what happens to the kids who don't have resources?  Our kid has a good support system in the form of her parents and family, her therapist and her doctors and she still folded to the overwhelming pressures of society's non-acceptance and shunning.  Granted, I would have folded a long time ago, so I am not negatively judging DJ for finally succumbing to the rejection.  But what the hell happens to the kids who don't have any support or resources?

We know what happens to many of them, don't we?  There seems to be no way out because in their world, there truly is no way out.  I do not advocate suicide-ever- but try to explain to a 15 year old who has no acceptance at home or out in the world that if he/she can just hang in there until she's an adult, that everything will suddenly be ok.  Seriously?  No wonder suicide seems like a viable alternative.  Again, I do not advocate suicide-EVER- but we are fooling ourselves if we don't recognize how attractive an alternative it must seem to be to people who spend nearly every waking second of their day on the outside looking in.  OH.  MY.  GOD.  When the implications of that truly sink in, it's overwhelming to contemplate.

So, parents, if you're struggling with accepting your kid, let me remind you again of what you may face if you can't find a way to overcome your struggles:  you can lose your child to a desperate act of violence that your child takes against him or herself.  Instead of spending, or borrowing, thousands of dollars for college tuition, or a car, or the deposit on an apartment, you could be spending that same money on a funeral and a headstone that will sit in a cemetery getting rained on, and snowed on, and neglected when you're not there.  THAT will be your future with your child.

We have done nearly everything parents can do to love and accept our child and STILL the pressures of non-acceptance out in the world invaded the safe place we attempted to create for our beloved daughter.  We're lucky because we are pain in the ass people who are compulsive about our kids so not much gets by us.  Our jobs out in the world have prepared us to look at our kids under a microscope, thank goodness, so we recognized what we saw almost as soon as we saw it. That, and the fact that DJ has a best friend, Sister Chromatid, who alerted us as soon as she knew DJ was in trouble. (We love, love, love Sister Chromatid.  She's a tiny package full to the brim with love and exuberance.) And even with all that in place, the world still got to DJ.  We're here to catch her and she will be ok.  But what about the kids and the adults who don't have the safety net?  Where do they end up, oftentimes?  Six feet under....

So, to repeat information on resources:  please check out the links on the blog.  PFLAG has support groups that meet monthly in many places.  That once a month meeting could be your kid's lifeline.  If you or your child are at the end of your rope, or will be soon, try the TREVOR HOTLINE at 1-866-488-7386.  They are wonderful.  Can't get to a meeting?  Go online to Laura's Playground for online chat rooms.  Don't have a computer, consider going to the public library.  If not, call the TREVOR HOTLINE as a minimum.  Anyone interested in becoming part of an online support group that maybe we can establish?  I can try to learn everything I can to get this thing up and running-we need to be part of the solution folks.  We have to find a way to add to the pot of resources for those who have limited access to resources....Please help.

Achieving Balance

The blog is generating (I initially typed genderating-pretty funny, huh?) more and more comments that are inspiring to me because I think they'll spark conversation in families who are trying to come to terms with this issue.

In my previous blog I had mentioned DJ's taking issue with my keeping photos out in our home that depicted her when she was living her life as JD, our "son."  This has been a tough issue that I'm sure other families are grappling with.  On the one hand, if your family members have transitioned and no longer present as the gender they were born and initially raised as, they certainly may take issue with having reminders around the house, and who can blame them.

But conversely, how do we as parents, grandparents, and siblings, not to mention aunts and uncles, and cousins, erase our memories of that "other" beloved family member.  It's a real conundrum because in spite of the fact that we know JD was struggling to keep DJ under wraps, and we understand as much as we're able that this must have been excruciating for her, we also interacted with that person, and he, who is really she, with us.  The pictures at the beach of DJ, living as JD, building sandcastles with her brothers, dressing up as a waiter to bring Bulldog his breakfast in bed on Father's Day, exhibiting the giant gap that two lost teeth created one summer day, wearing bathing trunks after accompanying Romeo and I down the slip and slide in our front yard....these are ironclad memories-what do we do with them?

I've seriously considered taking a number of photos and having them photoshopped with a girl's hairdo superimposed over JD's "boy" haircuts so that we can display them without making DJ uncomfortable.  It requires "erasing" some aspects of the memory which is.....strange, but necessary?  I added the question mark to that sentence because is it necessary?  Well, apparently it is for DJ, and that's reason enough.

And that brings up the idea of remembering to use the proper pronoun when referring to the past when the person you remembered looked and to a certain degree, acted, differently than she does now.  When DJ was living as JD, we completely took her as JD;  well, of course we did!!!  So now, when we tell a family story, and we're always regaling each other with those because one of our family hobbies is throwing each other under the bus for a good laugh, we have to remember to remember JD as DJ.  Even though we are recalling mental images of a little boy, we have to transpose those memories when speaking of them by saying "she" instead of "he".  Mind, we are glad to do it, but it can be challenging

Bulldog and I have been doing it for nearly two years and on a very frequent basis, so it's not difficult.  But this Christmas we spent more time, contiguously, with our sons than we have since DJ came out and they weren't as well rehearsed in this.  Subsequently, they would recall a story and accidentally say "he" in referring to DJ in the past tense.  Bulldog and I had to privately chat with them, asking them to try to be a bit more aware of this dynamic so that they could mentally censor themselves and then come up with the appropriate pronoun that reflects who DJ actually  is today (and was then, in spite of presenting as JD.)  OMG-this is complicated!!!

Goodwrench and Romeo adore DJ and will do anything for her, so naturally, they made very successful transitions to using the correct pronoun, even when speaking in past tense.  Sheesh-DJ is SO worth the efforts, but it's some mental juggling that can be a challenge.

One of my blog readers, who keeps a great blog herself, "Traveling Transgendered" -check it out- in responding to my post yesterday, shared this:

Honestly I'm kind of torn here. Of course any decent parent will try and put their childrens welfare ahead of their own, but I can't help thinking that young DJ is not the only person in your family and her feelings are not the only ones that matter. Those photos are also your memories and your husbands memories and you have a right to them. I wouldn't feel bad about not having taken them down if I were you.


The author, Kim, makes an excellent point about balance, without actually using the word.  Good relationships are defined by all members making a great effort at achieving a balance between their needs and wants juxtaposed against the needs and wants of other family members, and the needs and wants of the family as a whole.  Most of us will have multiple entities involved that we are all trying to balance.  So, how do we manage it?  


There is no pat answer, save this:  constant conversation.  Oops, here's another pat answer:  vigilant consideration of each other's feelings and comfort levels.  And another one:  willingness to compromise.  If the transgendered person is our child, we want to sacrifice for our children, but if we do that too much, we raise a self-centered child.  The fact that the self-centered child is transgender is irrelevant.  Self-centered people won't do well in relationships, regardless of gender or orientation, or anything else for that matter.  If the transgendered persons are the parents and they sacrifice too much for their children,  they risk having  unhappy and unfulfilling lives.  We all want to make concessions for the person in our family who faces the most challenges, and that is noble and righteous.  But if we make too many, we upset the balance of the family.  Somehow, we have to find a way to "Walk placidly amid the noise and haste" * of our lives and the lives of our transgender family members and balance all of our needs. 


So, maybe Bulldog and I will keep pictures of JD in a more private place, or maybe we'll have some photos altered to reflect JD as DJ so that we can display them more publicly for her sake and ours.  Maybe we'll do both and maybe we'll talk to her and explain our conundrum and she can accept our feelings and tolerate a picture or two of her when she lived as JD.  It will be an ongoing process. That's all I have to offer-sorry-I wish I had something more concrete for people who are on the same path.  Anyone have any other suggestions, 'cause I'm listening.
* The Desiderita

Bulldog's right again

Interestingly, DJ the trail blazer for transgender issues, has decided to lay low and not carry the banner for awhile.  Bulldog and I try to support any path she chooses to live her life happily, so naturally, this is perfectly acceptable and understandable to us.  But I always want to try to understand the "why" of things, so I've been pondering it quite a bit lately, especially in light of the fact that her change in perspective came on so suddenly.

Did she have a "if you can't beat 'em, join 'em" revelation?  December was a tough month because of the former friend issues that I cited back then.  (Back then?  Was that really only last month?) Maybe the "rejection" just hurt so much that she wanted to sink into some relative anonymity and who can blame her?  Maybe being more mainstream and low-key was a relief.  Maybe, just maybe, she got tired from carrying the flag.

She's gone from "This is me. I am transgender; accept me for who I am" to "Let's not talk about our pasts and just accept each other at face value."  WHICH IS FINE AND UNDERSTANDABLE.  What I feel bad about is that I'm kind of slow on the uptake and didn't catch her queues.  For instance,  the family photo montage that I keep in a hallway was suddenly too public a place to display the one or two photos of her when she was quite young and presenting as a boy.  I just reread what I typed and feel dumb as a box of rocks because, ummmmm, duh.  My only defense is that her (former) "This is me, if you can't take it, screw you" posture made me think that it would be ok to keep a few of those pictures around because I didn't want to display photos of just her brothers as youngsters.

Then, until very recently, she was rather public on her Facebook page posting her songs, especially those in support of the LGBT community.  So, I didn't realize that the infrequent occasions where I posted my blog on my Facebook would be an issue to her.  A couple of her childhood friends were my Facebook friends and she didn't want them to see a reminder of how she used to present.  I know, I know, I'm coming across as incredibly stupid, but I was trying to follow her lead.  She just decided to switch paths and I didn't get the memo.

I used to think I was a fairly perceptive person.  In fact, I prided myself on it....."Pride goeth before the fall" could not be more apt in this case.  And shouldn't I know better?  I play on the same team as DJ for heaven's sake, knowing full well that it is a woman's choice (I can't seem to spell the other word that sounds like purr-o-goe-tive for some reason right now) to change her mind.  Yet, I didn't expect the complete about-face that DJ has made recently and so I continued walking in the opposite direction having no idea she and I had parted ways and were tramping around on divergent paths.  My bad.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not crying into my beer, or more aptly put, my glass of pinot grigio, it's just that I don't like being part of the problem, especially since Bulldog and I want so badly to be part of the solution because we want to help.  The feedback I've gotten from other transgender folks thus far is that laying low is a pretty good idea-let other people know you for you, rather than know you as "that transgender girl".  That's what Bulldog has always thought was best but I followed DJ's lead when she went through her trailblazer phase.  Oh crap-there's my answer....Why was I letting the teenager dictate the path? She may know herself well but she sure as hell don't know the world that well.  Damn it, Bulldog was right again.

GREECE-how is my hometown of Athens?

I am so excited-I just saw that I had two pageviews from Greece, where I was born!  I'm an Army brat so that is how I came to be born there.

I've been getting some great feedback and comments from folks here in the USA.  Would anyone from overseas care to share their thoughts or experiences? 

openarms2lgbt@gmail.com if you want to chat.

Have a great day folks-
The Author

DJ's outfits

I am not mocking DJ, ok, yes I am, but in fun.  NOT because she's transgender, but because girls can be so much fun when they are choosing their outfits.  Except for metrosexual guys, and (I'm going to traffic in stereotypes for a moment) most gay men, all the other men who don't fit in either category don't really care about what they wear too much as long as its: relatively clean, chicks think they look good in it, and it's comfortable.

Girls, and women, we're a bit different.  We are so incredibly in touch with our feelings, that we often want to dress in a way that reflects how we feel.  Hmmmm, I'm feeling a little bad ass today, so I think I'll wear my motorcycle boots, skinny jeans and dark black eyeliner;  I woke up feeling like everything in the world was beautiful, so I simply must wear a pink sundress with cute little strappy sandals;  my husband is not paying any attention to me and my wardrobe path may "Y" into either wearing a housecoat all day to piss him off, or wearing something that creates fabulous cleavage and then ignoring his attentions.  Am I feeling chic today?  Hair up.  Kind of down home and down to earth? A flannel shirt and jeans.  Ladies, most of you can relate....I think.  We are multi-faceted, and fascinating people and often, we like our clothing to reflect that, particularly the teen and twenty something set.

DJ is so much fun with her combinations that I must chronicle what she is wearing.  So perhaps I will add  a regular blurb to the blog just for fun.

Today's attire:  Black lace mini-skirt, polka dot stockings, purple converse sneakers with fuschia lipstick print on them, pink and black bustier with a black zip up hoodie over it, to meet school dress code.  No sparkles in the make-up today.  She looks freaking adorable.  :)

Traffic patterns in relationships

I had a response from a reader, "What is it about pronouns you don't understand?"  She retracted her statement pretty quickly on realizing she misunderstood something, which I appreciate, but I surprised myself because her (retracted) criticism stung.  I must explore this because I think there are a number of important lessons here:

1)  In spite of working in fire and rescue for a number of years, it seems I am still not nearly as thick-skinned as one would imagine I'd be.  What the heck?  Kind of funny that a perfect stranger's remark could have momentarily made me feel so crappy even if it was only for a minute or two.  Clearly, I have much work to do on not taking anything so blessed personally.

2)  What if I did make a pronoun mistake?  A gentle correction or explanation would likely get more of the response the speaker would prefer, which is that I use the correct pronouns in the future.

DJ recently has been dealing with friends who knew her for years as JD and are subsequently still tripping up and using the wrong pronoun or name.  Now, I have kvetched extensively about DJ's peers not hitting the mark, but let me play devil's advocate for a moment not to defend the people committing the faux pas so much as to explain the goof up from another perspective so that the person who has been incorrectly identified can understand that sometimes the goof up is just that-a goof up.

I mentioned how DJ's childhood pal came by and inadvertently called DJ "man".  Additionally, this young man doesn't openly flirt with DJ like he does with pretty much any other attractive girl at school (and yes, it would be wonderful if straight guys treated physically "unattractive" girls the way they treat the"attractive" girls, but that's a whole other topic and my brain cannot do that right now) and DJ was certain it was because he didn't accept her because she's transgender.  In her defense, I'm sure the non-acceptance happens to her a lot, but perhaps not in this case because not only did this young man drop by Christmas Day, but he came by New Year's Eve with another young man/childhood friend in tow, to visit DJ.  Isolate the "how's it goin' man?" remark and one could easily assume the young man in question just didn't get the pronoun thing (with the underlying assumption that he wasn't trying hard enough).  But taken together with his multiple attempts to seek DJ out and bring another mutual friend along, and I can't help but see it in another light.

Bulldog and DJ discussed this at length with Disc Jockey.  The point was to get DJ to see that sometimes acceptance doesn't come wrapped in the paper we expect or hope to see.  But let's face it, you wrap a beautiful Pottery Barn Carlisle sofa in newspaper, and I'm still going to adore what's inside. So maybe, since we're all in relationship together, we both try to give each other a break.  Yes, I know  the lion's share of the work will be resting on the transgender person's shoulders and that sucks.  Maybe I'm full of $- - -, but as a mother, if I thought trading places with DJ would offer her more peace, I'd do it in a heartbeat.  But there's another more important point here other than giving the "other" person who goofs up the pronouns a break, which is this:

In feeling rejected by the person who goofed, and in turn rejecting the person who goofed, you may be rejecting a person who truly loves you and is truly wanting to be your friend.

I know I'm sounding a bit high and mighty and I don't mean to but the reason I'm harping on this is because this is a lesson I've had to learn myself, so now that the murkiness is clearing and I'm seeing the full picture, I'm like a newly reformed smoker:  I'm so happy with my new "health" I want to force it on everyone else!!  But bear with me for a moment, please.  For years, I misinterpreted people's actions, particularly when it felt like I was being rejected.  More often than not, it had to do with my own esteem issues-which we all have to varying degrees.  Then, with age and pharmaceuticals and my own "Disc Jockey" came the realization that sometimes people react poorly to me or with me because of reasons that have nothing to do with me and everything to do with them.  Maybe they're a bit awkward, had an argument with their mother, failed a test, feel attracted to me and feel weird about that for any number of reasons, or are so worried about saying or doing the wrong thing that they say and do the wrong things, accidentally.  We've all seen the people who try so damn hard that they destroy the thing they are trying so hard to protect, right?  Hell, I'm one of those people!!

And in fairness to anyone who is "different", different folks have to be more on guard to look for jerks, without question.  Our radar has to be incredibly fine tuned so that we can avoid the jerks and not toss out the great folks who accidentally committed a jerk-ish error.  Something both DJ and I are learning to internalize:  Acceptance is definitely a two way street.