Long time, no chat. This is largely because I fret about DJ's anonymity. In fact, I often feel paranoid about it, but that is a potential topic for another time.
Today, high schools all over the place are holding their graduation ceremonies. We've experienced this twice with Goodwrench and Romeo but will not be experiencing it with DJ. Yes-she has officially graduated high school, but no, she is not taking part in the graduation ceremony at the high school from which she officially graduated.
This is a decision that she made, and Bulldog and I support. Had she decided to "walk" on graduation day, we would have supported that, too. It was a long and tough haul getting her to this point: she went through three hospitalizations in 18 months, one of which to bring her outers in line with her inners, the other two related to stress and eating disorder.
I feel sad today but hope that this is the last milestone that is markedly different than what she might want. I'm trying to be positive. There have been so many other celebrations she has missed because she was hidden, then so many more because she wasn't accepted, the prom and graduation among them.
Dynamo was kind enough to remember us today stating that DJ's name was in the program and that she saved one for us. She has been an unbelievably supportive and loving friend and mentor for DJ and for me. I am so touched she thought of us today.
When DJ made the decision, she stated, "I really only went there for one year. I don't feel a real connection to it." Understandable, certainly.
She's our last to graduate. When Goodwrench and Romeo graduated, it was exciting and fun to see them cross the stage and celebrate with their friends afterward. I wanted that for her and for us. Getting DJ to this point was a much greater challenge than it was for her brothers because of social dynamics and medical considerations. A celebration is even more warranted for her, in my opinion. We're having a party for her, a rather small affair, at her request, and then a few days after that, she'll be heading overseas to see Apple in the company of Sister Chromatid, so she won't fare too badly, I don't think. But I'm still lickin' my wounds a bit. Maybe it's just for me....in fact, I think it is. DJ seems to be nonplussed by this and spent the afternoon hanging out with a friend she met at community college.
It helps realizing that this is one of the last milestones of youth that she will experience differently because of her former life. That's not to say she won't have other decisions in the future related to her previous life, but there is nothing else to stand in her way for college, or jobs, or parties, because high school was the last vestige of her previous life. She did, we did it. <Big SIGH of relief>
Saturday, June 1, 2013
Friday, February 22, 2013
To Air or not to Err
Such a conundrum that has presented itself....so much a conundrum to drag me out of my Blog reclusiveness.....
DJ did so well last semester: happy in the community college, found herself a sweetheart, wrote a helluva paper in defense of gay marriage and then had another set back. We're rebounding now-much quicker than last time but it's not easy. She is SUCH a teenager and in many ways, we've noticed a slight regression. It's almost like she's trying to make up for lost time-can ya blamer her? We can't.
Then, out of the blue, I get contacted by an organization interested in talking to us about our parenting. Of course, being Bulldog's beloved, my hackles stand up initially. But, I did a snippet of research and it seems legitimate, this organization dedicated to telling others' stories in a respectable manner. Do we share to encourage others, even if it may make DJ more identifiable, somehow, to someone who wants to know about her previous life?
I read a book recently: Far from the tree by Andrew Solomon. Brave folks shared their gut-wrenching stories and it opened my eyes. Do we owe that to others? It's certainly worth thinking about....
DJ did so well last semester: happy in the community college, found herself a sweetheart, wrote a helluva paper in defense of gay marriage and then had another set back. We're rebounding now-much quicker than last time but it's not easy. She is SUCH a teenager and in many ways, we've noticed a slight regression. It's almost like she's trying to make up for lost time-can ya blamer her? We can't.
Then, out of the blue, I get contacted by an organization interested in talking to us about our parenting. Of course, being Bulldog's beloved, my hackles stand up initially. But, I did a snippet of research and it seems legitimate, this organization dedicated to telling others' stories in a respectable manner. Do we share to encourage others, even if it may make DJ more identifiable, somehow, to someone who wants to know about her previous life?
I read a book recently: Far from the tree by Andrew Solomon. Brave folks shared their gut-wrenching stories and it opened my eyes. Do we owe that to others? It's certainly worth thinking about....
Sunday, September 9, 2012
For Alexander and his mom...
DJ and I are hangin' out watching "Friends" reruns. Both of us tend to be night owls lately. Last night she decided to disprove Curry's Paradox. Look it up on Google because I am too geometrically-challenged to be able to explain what Curry's Paradox is. Luckily for me, it involved a picture! Suffice it to say she was pulling out colored pencils, graph paper and a ruler last night at 11:30 to start disproving the paradox. Bulldog asked her why; was it competition or something? It's difficult for both Bulldog and me to understand why anyone would think it's fun to use not one but two different mathematical formulas to disprove the paradox just for "the fun of it" but we're not going to knock it. It sure as hell beats video games.
Have I mentioned before that I have no idea where she came from? Our genes don't indicate that our offspring would have such qualities. Sarcasm, shortness of stature, ability to spread our toes-these are our genetic gifts. DJ missed out on pretty much all of those and ended up with freakishly good abilities that require both the right brain and the left brain.
Today we were returning from running some errands and DJ informed me that she gets carsick when the sun gets in her eyes. I suggested she get her sunglasses out of her purse. She said, "Oh, here they are." She turns to show me these goofball kelly green sunglasses with the lenses popped out. We both start laughing hysterically. How lucky am I to end up with this lovable goofball of a daughter? I'm so glad she's DJ-our relationship is only what a mother can have with a daughter.
Don't get me wrong-I treasure my relationships with Romeo and Goodwrench. They are GREAT people and great sons. But DJ and I relate the way only two women can. Sometimes Bulldog just shakes his head at our antics but I don't think he minds being outnumbered too terribly. She can poke at him like no one else can and he eats it up. I'll bet he never would have foreseen this when DJ first came out to us.
I heard from a young man whose mom is trying to be supportive of his coming out as her son. I hope he understands what a good start that is. That's where we were nearly two and half years ago. It's night and day coming from where we were to where we are. Wanting to try, wanting to be supportive is more than half the battle. So if Alexander's mom is reading-hang in there. As long as you keep wanting to be there for your son, as long as you're willing to try, to call him by his name and make constant efforts to use the right pronoun, you will get to the point of embracing this young man and loving him for him. Yes-missing that other child doesn't ever completely leave, but when you look at your son, try to remember that the core of the child has not changed. And if no one has told you this yet, Alexander's mom, you're a good mom for trying. You would be shocked at what some people experience at the hands of their parents. It's heartbreaking. I'm pulling for you!!
Have I mentioned before that I have no idea where she came from? Our genes don't indicate that our offspring would have such qualities. Sarcasm, shortness of stature, ability to spread our toes-these are our genetic gifts. DJ missed out on pretty much all of those and ended up with freakishly good abilities that require both the right brain and the left brain.
Today we were returning from running some errands and DJ informed me that she gets carsick when the sun gets in her eyes. I suggested she get her sunglasses out of her purse. She said, "Oh, here they are." She turns to show me these goofball kelly green sunglasses with the lenses popped out. We both start laughing hysterically. How lucky am I to end up with this lovable goofball of a daughter? I'm so glad she's DJ-our relationship is only what a mother can have with a daughter.
Don't get me wrong-I treasure my relationships with Romeo and Goodwrench. They are GREAT people and great sons. But DJ and I relate the way only two women can. Sometimes Bulldog just shakes his head at our antics but I don't think he minds being outnumbered too terribly. She can poke at him like no one else can and he eats it up. I'll bet he never would have foreseen this when DJ first came out to us.
I heard from a young man whose mom is trying to be supportive of his coming out as her son. I hope he understands what a good start that is. That's where we were nearly two and half years ago. It's night and day coming from where we were to where we are. Wanting to try, wanting to be supportive is more than half the battle. So if Alexander's mom is reading-hang in there. As long as you keep wanting to be there for your son, as long as you're willing to try, to call him by his name and make constant efforts to use the right pronoun, you will get to the point of embracing this young man and loving him for him. Yes-missing that other child doesn't ever completely leave, but when you look at your son, try to remember that the core of the child has not changed. And if no one has told you this yet, Alexander's mom, you're a good mom for trying. You would be shocked at what some people experience at the hands of their parents. It's heartbreaking. I'm pulling for you!!
Monday, August 27, 2012
Long time, no speak
Insomnia sucks but it has led me back to you fine folks. I will take this opportunity of sans sleep to give you a little heads-up on the DJ scene.
Speaking of scene-did anyone else know that this- "scene"-is a fashion style? It's one DJ has embraced wholeheartedly in the last couple of months. The early part of summer was rough in many respects but it's amazing what changing medications can do especially when the new doctor points out that the old doctor had her on a dosage roughly five times higher than what he would have recommended. After that switch, we had our old DJ back-pretty much all the time again.
She's perky, she's goofy, she's composing music like mad and she's "scene". She went to the salon for a brand new "do" that is stinkin' adorable. Admittedly, as 8 and 10 inches of hair were falling to the floor of the salon, my heart sank and I actually thought:
We've spent the last two years helping you achieve the feminine look and now you're cutting all your hair off?
I was dead wrong-she's even prettier. You can see the delicate structure of her face more readily now. She has a very edgey look that is actually quite flattering. I think her appearance, her "look" is a form of expression for her.
She's enrolled in community college to finish out her senior year in high school and is quite happy with the decision. It's a much free-er atmosphere and no one freaks out if she wears a tank top. The dress code rules at her former high school are becoming ridiculous.
The check-ups at the surgeon's are revealing that all procedures were a smashing success. Science is truly amazing, is all I can say. DJ was granted "permission" to purchase real bras now. Until last week, sports bras were all she was permitted until she got to a certain point in the healing process. So, after school, we hit Kohl's and little Miss Thing came home with three new bras, a cute dress and striped knee socks that had, "I love nerds" printed on them.
DJ and Sister Chromatid are back in their friendship groove again. Apple has invited DJ to bring Sister Chromatid to visit England next summer as a graduation gift. She's promising a weekend in Paris. The girls are thrilled beyond belief.
Bulldog and I are finally letting our guard down a bit. DJ's weight and appetite are healthy, her depression has lifted, she's healed up nicely and is getting back to her life again. We're trying not to look over our shoulders so much-a tough habit to break when you've gotten used to trouble creeping up on you repeatedly. Romeo and Goodwrench are both doing great too as are Juliet and Gellar. Time to coast a little bit....
Speaking of scene-did anyone else know that this- "scene"-is a fashion style? It's one DJ has embraced wholeheartedly in the last couple of months. The early part of summer was rough in many respects but it's amazing what changing medications can do especially when the new doctor points out that the old doctor had her on a dosage roughly five times higher than what he would have recommended. After that switch, we had our old DJ back-pretty much all the time again.
She's perky, she's goofy, she's composing music like mad and she's "scene". She went to the salon for a brand new "do" that is stinkin' adorable. Admittedly, as 8 and 10 inches of hair were falling to the floor of the salon, my heart sank and I actually thought:
We've spent the last two years helping you achieve the feminine look and now you're cutting all your hair off?
I was dead wrong-she's even prettier. You can see the delicate structure of her face more readily now. She has a very edgey look that is actually quite flattering. I think her appearance, her "look" is a form of expression for her.
She's enrolled in community college to finish out her senior year in high school and is quite happy with the decision. It's a much free-er atmosphere and no one freaks out if she wears a tank top. The dress code rules at her former high school are becoming ridiculous.
The check-ups at the surgeon's are revealing that all procedures were a smashing success. Science is truly amazing, is all I can say. DJ was granted "permission" to purchase real bras now. Until last week, sports bras were all she was permitted until she got to a certain point in the healing process. So, after school, we hit Kohl's and little Miss Thing came home with three new bras, a cute dress and striped knee socks that had, "I love nerds" printed on them.
DJ and Sister Chromatid are back in their friendship groove again. Apple has invited DJ to bring Sister Chromatid to visit England next summer as a graduation gift. She's promising a weekend in Paris. The girls are thrilled beyond belief.
Bulldog and I are finally letting our guard down a bit. DJ's weight and appetite are healthy, her depression has lifted, she's healed up nicely and is getting back to her life again. We're trying not to look over our shoulders so much-a tough habit to break when you've gotten used to trouble creeping up on you repeatedly. Romeo and Goodwrench are both doing great too as are Juliet and Gellar. Time to coast a little bit....
Wednesday, June 20, 2012
What's next?
I had taken a hiatus from blogging. My heart just wasn't in it. I was, and am, on some new-fangled kind of journey and blogging about my "transgender" daughter seemed disingenuous. Why? (and I hope I do not offend the transgender community when I say this) because DJ....is... just....a girl.
Ok, Ok, I know that might piss people off as if I'm covertly saying there is something to be ashamed of to be a transgendered person. There isn't-if you have read any of my previous posts, I think I've made that clear enough. I can't explain the change in me. Yes, it's partly because of the change in DJ-she has female parts top and bottom now. Does this make her a girl? NO-she was already a girl. So what's different?
I will explore this as I write-who knows how it will come out.
For me, and most definitely for her, there was the fear of her being found to have "male" parts. We all have our fears and most of them are based on our life experiences. That is certainly true for me. At the heart of it all was my concern that if someone, somehow, found that DJ had "male" parts, that they would classify her as a freak and treat her as such. We know what this world does to people who it believes are freaks....2000 years ago they left you to die. Today, that might be comparatively merciful considering what torture those who don't fit the mould are subject to.
To me, Transgender equaled a medical diagnosis. It was an answer to the "Why" of my daughter having "male" parts. It was rational and could be explained. Don't get me wrong-I don't think anyone should have to explain themselves in general. But if one is faced with some sort of anguish due to the misunderstanding of another person, we want to be able to mitigate that, if possible, to save ourselves from pain. It's natural. The Transgender word was that, for me.
If we are cautious, and "erase" evidence of DJ's former identity, then perhaps she can live a life without worry of being "found out". In other words, she can just be a girl. Not a transgender girl, not a girl who used to be a boy, but just a regular girl who loves hair and makeup, music and art, techno and action adventure movies, physics and ancient alien shows.
DJ is doing well for the most part but the past six months have been anything but normal for her. She has traveled between home and hospitals, and nowhere else, these past six months. She is hesitant to put her toes into the pool of general society again and who can blame her? She needs a regular schedule and a regular pattern of getting out among her peers so that she can learn to fit in again. She'll attend community college in the fall and hopefully will not have to set foot into her previous high school again, except to walk across the stage to get her diploma. I already have a plan to pack the stands with DJ fans so that when her name is announced, we can drown out any naysayers, if there are any.
This is why I want to leave the "transgender" word behind because it can act as both scaffolding and noose. We previously needed it for scaffolding, but now it's feeling rather tight around the neck so maybe it's time to cut the knot. I know that biologically she'll always be transgender, but people with other medical diagnoses don't go around wearing signs that say, "Marfan's syndrome" or "cleft palate". Granted, if you look closely enough at their bodies, and knew what to look for, you might be able to figure out that they have a congenital anomaly, but most people can't tell and why would any of us draw attention to a medical diagnosis that doesn't have to limit us necessarily anyway? It just makes people treat us differently because of their preconceived notions.
So that leaves me not knowing whether or not to keep blogging, or maybe I should just change the name of the blog....not sure what's next for me. But at least we have a pretty good plan for what's next for DJ who, by the way, attended her first Zumba class this week. Has felt dynamite wearing her first bikini a couple of weeks ago, is back to composing music, will likely start ballet class this fall and is finally ok with the plans we've laid out for her to finish her high school education. It was a long haul getting to this point and we still have work to do. She is still socially awkward with folks outside of her nuclear family because she has this distorted idea that she is "responsible" for entertaining people and is not good at it. But she's been out of the social loop for a while now- but I have to believe getting back to it will be like riding a bike. She's struggling with Sister Chromatid, who continues to make valiant efforts to remain friends, but DJ's social anxiety is putting up a wall. I hope this doesn't permanently stunt their friendship, but I'm learning that I can't control that and DJ will definitely make other friends in time.
I have to look to future opportunities the way my nephew, who I'll call Nannyman, does. Instead of being fearful about losses, I have to consider that they might be the gateway to future opportunities for DJ. So, when Nannyman quotes Michael Buble by saying (about the future) "I just haven't met you yet" I have to say that THAT is the answer to "What's next?"
Ok, Ok, I know that might piss people off as if I'm covertly saying there is something to be ashamed of to be a transgendered person. There isn't-if you have read any of my previous posts, I think I've made that clear enough. I can't explain the change in me. Yes, it's partly because of the change in DJ-she has female parts top and bottom now. Does this make her a girl? NO-she was already a girl. So what's different?
I will explore this as I write-who knows how it will come out.
For me, and most definitely for her, there was the fear of her being found to have "male" parts. We all have our fears and most of them are based on our life experiences. That is certainly true for me. At the heart of it all was my concern that if someone, somehow, found that DJ had "male" parts, that they would classify her as a freak and treat her as such. We know what this world does to people who it believes are freaks....2000 years ago they left you to die. Today, that might be comparatively merciful considering what torture those who don't fit the mould are subject to.
To me, Transgender equaled a medical diagnosis. It was an answer to the "Why" of my daughter having "male" parts. It was rational and could be explained. Don't get me wrong-I don't think anyone should have to explain themselves in general. But if one is faced with some sort of anguish due to the misunderstanding of another person, we want to be able to mitigate that, if possible, to save ourselves from pain. It's natural. The Transgender word was that, for me.
If we are cautious, and "erase" evidence of DJ's former identity, then perhaps she can live a life without worry of being "found out". In other words, she can just be a girl. Not a transgender girl, not a girl who used to be a boy, but just a regular girl who loves hair and makeup, music and art, techno and action adventure movies, physics and ancient alien shows.
DJ is doing well for the most part but the past six months have been anything but normal for her. She has traveled between home and hospitals, and nowhere else, these past six months. She is hesitant to put her toes into the pool of general society again and who can blame her? She needs a regular schedule and a regular pattern of getting out among her peers so that she can learn to fit in again. She'll attend community college in the fall and hopefully will not have to set foot into her previous high school again, except to walk across the stage to get her diploma. I already have a plan to pack the stands with DJ fans so that when her name is announced, we can drown out any naysayers, if there are any.
This is why I want to leave the "transgender" word behind because it can act as both scaffolding and noose. We previously needed it for scaffolding, but now it's feeling rather tight around the neck so maybe it's time to cut the knot. I know that biologically she'll always be transgender, but people with other medical diagnoses don't go around wearing signs that say, "Marfan's syndrome" or "cleft palate". Granted, if you look closely enough at their bodies, and knew what to look for, you might be able to figure out that they have a congenital anomaly, but most people can't tell and why would any of us draw attention to a medical diagnosis that doesn't have to limit us necessarily anyway? It just makes people treat us differently because of their preconceived notions.
So that leaves me not knowing whether or not to keep blogging, or maybe I should just change the name of the blog....not sure what's next for me. But at least we have a pretty good plan for what's next for DJ who, by the way, attended her first Zumba class this week. Has felt dynamite wearing her first bikini a couple of weeks ago, is back to composing music, will likely start ballet class this fall and is finally ok with the plans we've laid out for her to finish her high school education. It was a long haul getting to this point and we still have work to do. She is still socially awkward with folks outside of her nuclear family because she has this distorted idea that she is "responsible" for entertaining people and is not good at it. But she's been out of the social loop for a while now- but I have to believe getting back to it will be like riding a bike. She's struggling with Sister Chromatid, who continues to make valiant efforts to remain friends, but DJ's social anxiety is putting up a wall. I hope this doesn't permanently stunt their friendship, but I'm learning that I can't control that and DJ will definitely make other friends in time.
I have to look to future opportunities the way my nephew, who I'll call Nannyman, does. Instead of being fearful about losses, I have to consider that they might be the gateway to future opportunities for DJ. So, when Nannyman quotes Michael Buble by saying (about the future) "I just haven't met you yet" I have to say that THAT is the answer to "What's next?"
Friday, May 25, 2012
What's next for our girl?
With one year of high school remaining, we must decide from where DJ will graduate. None of us wants to see her return to the school in our small town. The nearest private school may suffice, but there is still a fear that if word got out about her past, that she will branded once again. She won't be just a girl, she'll be the "girl who used to be a guy" or the "transgender girl". Enough already.
We're considering a boarding school that's about 75 miles away and will allow her to come home on the weekends, but we feel committed to having her in a family environment, if at all possible. Therefore, we are seriously considering having DJ live with her aunt, Apple, over in Europe. It will mean we will not see her but a handful of times over the course of nearly a year, but more importantly, it will also mean a completely fresh start for our girl.
Bulldog and I talked to her about the choices we can consider and the Apple Plan is looking pretty exciting to her. We are asking that she give all choices serious thought over this long weekend and choose two schools, so that we can start the balls rolling on Plan A(pple) and Plan B.
My heart is so divided-just thinking of her leaving makes me miss her already, but I know that to let her go will be another gift to help her toward her future as, simply, a young woman.
We're considering a boarding school that's about 75 miles away and will allow her to come home on the weekends, but we feel committed to having her in a family environment, if at all possible. Therefore, we are seriously considering having DJ live with her aunt, Apple, over in Europe. It will mean we will not see her but a handful of times over the course of nearly a year, but more importantly, it will also mean a completely fresh start for our girl.
Bulldog and I talked to her about the choices we can consider and the Apple Plan is looking pretty exciting to her. We are asking that she give all choices serious thought over this long weekend and choose two schools, so that we can start the balls rolling on Plan A(pple) and Plan B.
My heart is so divided-just thinking of her leaving makes me miss her already, but I know that to let her go will be another gift to help her toward her future as, simply, a young woman.
Monday, May 21, 2012
Transgender child makes the front page of a major newspaper
Dear Readers,
Because I am technologically challenged, I am having difficulty embedding a video recapping a story that the Washington Post, THE major newspaper in the Washington D.C. area, ran on the FRONT page on Sunday with the title below:
Transgender at Five
Click on the link and you will be directed to the narrative from an interview between the author of the article, Petula Dvorak, and the mother of the young boy about whom the article was written. Maybe this is the beginning of the turning of the tide. Let's hope so....
Because I am technologically challenged, I am having difficulty embedding a video recapping a story that the Washington Post, THE major newspaper in the Washington D.C. area, ran on the FRONT page on Sunday with the title below:
Transgender at Five
Click on the link and you will be directed to the narrative from an interview between the author of the article, Petula Dvorak, and the mother of the young boy about whom the article was written. Maybe this is the beginning of the turning of the tide. Let's hope so....
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