Changes in Passport Guidelines for Trans and Non-Binary American Citizens

If you needed to obtain or renew a passport after January 20, 2025, and your gender identity is not traditional cis-gender male or female, you may have experienced the horror of being issued a passport that includes your legal name (that you may have changed to one you chose for yourself) and the incorrect gender identity under the category of sex. 

One of my relatives rationalized that trans and non-binary people with incorrect passports would still be free to leave the country...sure, but what would happen on their return? This was terrifying to contemplate. The ACLU jumped on this and the executive order that initiated the change in State Department practices has not passed muster with the courts...so far. (See the article here: https://www.aclu.org/press-releases/appeals-court-denies-request-to-stay-order-preserving-passports-for-many-trans-nonbinary-intersex-citizens)

Given the stay, you can re-apply for your passport so it will correctly reflect your gender identity. If somehow the current administration attempts to push this to the Supreme Court, it's possible they could reverse the stay and uphold the executive order; until that time, however, at least you can have a passport that is accurate so that leaving the country and returning (hopefully) will not be fraught with anxiety over being stopped at the border on re-entry just so the current border control officers can mess with you if they feel like it, since that is the current flavor of many federal law enforcement officers, unfortunately.

The explanation can be found here on the State Department website:

https://travel.state.gov/content/travel/en/passports/passport-help/sex-marker.html

You will need to complete an attestation; you are attesting to the following:

And you'll need to complete an application and, of course, pay the fee. It sucks if your passport was just renewed, with the incorrect gender reflected, where you parted with a couple of hundred bucks, including shipping, and that you have to do it again. If you were my child, and you could swing the money, I'd suggest you get this done ASAP. 

The current climate in the USA is decidedly anti-LGBTQ+ and having a back-up plan for your own personal safety is not being paranoid. Not anymore.  If you have people you trust that can loan you the money until you can pay it back in 6-8 months, this might be a worthwhile time to break that unwritten rule of not borrowing (or lending) money through family. 

I'm grateful and DJ and Marie live in a progressive area and have resources. I know that isn't true for everyone. Be vigilant, be private, and be safe. In peace, the Author

The DJ Update

 Where to start? Well, how about with some breathtakingly happy news? DJ is engaged to be married next spring. Her beloved is a lovely and insanely intelligent woman who completely "gets" our girl- supports her and understands her. Bulldog and I marvel at how they are together. They both are devoted to music, science, building projects together, enjoying raves and electronica music, nature walks, and each other.

DJ and her beloved, who we'll call Marie, as in Marie Curie, because she is absolutely brilliantly intelligent, bought a house together right before they got engaged. It's a charming house surrounded by trees. It's minutes away from a lake. When I told her her lakeside neighborhood is everything I'd want to retire to, she looked momentarily horrified!! 

DJ and Marie have designated one of the bedroom solely for engaging in some of their hobbies that are centered around music. They both just finished building a sub-woofer that is larger than an end-table and looks like it came out of a comic book. They are definitely two peas in a pod.

DJ has always been a private person and as she matures, she's become more so. She's much smarter than her mother in that regard. My habit of being an open book, largely inspired by a need to be liked, has been a regret of mine as it has yielded some very unpleasant circumstances when I gave people my trust despite their not having earned it. She and Marie have small groups of friends with whom they spend time.

After DJ's gender confirmation surgery, she had a couple of medical hiccups that she managed well because she is committed to being well. We are grateful that she is in this happy place.

The wedding will have an enchanted forest feel to it which is perfect for our girl as she has a decided ethereal quality to her. She and Marie will be getting married here at our property at a really pretty spot along our tree line with our enormous pond in the background. Please put out good vibes for beautiful weather in the southeast for the end of April.

A lot has changed in the last 15 years for DJ. She has come a long way. Unfortunately, the USA is easily as frightening towards trans people as when DJ came out over 15 years ago. There was a sweet spot around 5-6 years ago where it appeared the tides were turning towards broader acceptance until 47's administration came to power. I strongly believe we are witnessing the death throes of an ideology centered around hate of others who are not exactly like the haters. People do desperate things when they sense they are losing and that is what we are living through now- their desperate attempts to hold on to power. We need to hold fast no matter what during these times. Stay abreast of what this administration is doing regarding executive orders. If you were issued a passport with the incorrect gender reflected on it, you can get one re-issued with the correct gender while the case continues to be adjudicated. So far, federal judges are NOT upholding the 2-gender executive order. Stay informed please and stay tuned...

Can you accept but not understand a trans person?

 If anyone is still reading this, or is new to this blog...I've been on a hiatus. If you've been a DJ follower and want to know how she's doing, I'll follow this post with a catch-up post regarding how our darling girl (now, a young woman) is doing.

I was at a beloved friend's 50th birthday party this weekend. We'll call her Tooth Fairy. Those who know her will get the reference right away. In this day and age where trans people and the people who love them are equally maligned, I'll keep her identity hidden. She has an aunt who has a child who is trans. Tooth Fairy's Aunt has 3 children- a set of twins and their sibling. One of the twins, presumed to be a girl, revealed that he is not an identical twin, but a fraternal twin.

Tooth Fairy's Aunt, struggled at first, like most parents will, and it appears that she fully supports her son. 

Everyone pause and applaud Tooth Fairy's Aunt. Send prayers her way too -for her and her son as she is a woman of strong faith and prayers will mean the world to her. 

Tooth Fairy's Aunt, who we'll just call "Aunt" for this post, is struggling, as I understand it, with the extended family's difficulty with accepting her son. I completely get it. That will bring out the Mother Bear in any woman. 

Tooth Fairy (and if you read this Tooth Fairy, you know how much I love you) has a heart of gold. She too is a woman of strong faith. While her faith informs much of her belief systems, she is not limited by them like so many are. Tooth Fairy has hoped Aunt would reach out to me for some support and I can understand why Aunt would not at a party. Tooth Fairy referred to the cousin by his female name assigned at birth and by the incorrect pronoun during our conversation; however, when I referred to her cousin as "he" and by his chosen name, she followed suit. (Applause for Tooth Fairy!) She brought up a point though that is thought provoking. She explained that she had said to Aunt that while they didn't understand Aunt's child being trans, they could still support Aunt and Aunt's son. Aunt wasn't accepting of this explanation.

It got me wondering...how much does one have to understand to offer true unconditional love? I'm not sure that how much one understands is important so much as how they try to demonstrate that they WANT to understand. Let's face it, I don't understand what it is to be a guy. I never will because I'm not a guy. I may have glimmers of understanding because I have some traits that may fall on the masculine side of the spectrum of gender, but largely, I have to imagine what it's like to be in someone else's stilettos, or boots, or any other shoe, to come close to understanding. That's the difference between empathy and sympathy. Empathy is, "I get what you're going through and I feel for you." Sympathy is, "I can only imagine what you're going through and I feel for you."

Is sympathy enough? Well....maybe, or maybe not. How vigilant is a person in demonstrating sympathy? If someone refers to a person by the gender and name that is NOT their identity, and does not recognize that they've done so or made an attempt to correct it, that may seem to the trans person, or his mom, that the family members really don't support the trans person.

Here's the thing- who we are is THE most important facet of our lives. Second to that is the body each of us must live in. Most of our waking hours will be spent in engaging others through the WHO we are; the majority of both our waking and sleeping hours will be comprised of the care, feeding, resting, restoring of our bodies. There is little else that any one of us will "own" outright and very little else that we have much control over. If I don't get to decide who I am and make decisions about my own body, what the hell else is there? Sure, the people we love but we love them through ourselves and our bodies are a reflection of ourselves. 

To answer the question posed here...yes, you can accept without understanding. But loving and making a concerted effort every day to try to understand is a higher calling. What does that look like? Committing first and foremost to calling the person by the name they chose and using the pronouns they request. Nobody, but nobody, gets to tell me who I am. I think we can all agree on that. Why that universally accepted rule stops with trans people is hard to defend. 

In the end, the hang-up is on the part of those who aren't meeting the needs of the trans person and the trans person's family. Substitute "cancer" for trans; substitute being born with a cleft palate for trans; substitute being born with internal reproductive organs and external genitalia that are unrecognizable for trans; substitute having variations in your DNA for trans- now, imagine that a family member had any of those conditions. How hard would it be to show love to the person all the time? When people struggle to show love and unyielding sympathy for the plight of the trans person who is living in a world that somehow thinks rigid gender roles are normal, then the problem is with the person having difficulty demonstrating love. I just spelled out a minimum of 4 health conditions all of which are real and merit sympathy- why is this medical condition different? Because somewhere we believe more in a handful of sentences in the Old Testament (much of which we ignore when it applies to us, i.e., how many of us eat shrimp or have clothing made of two different types of fibers? You are just as guilty of alleged "sin" according to the Old Testament as a trans person is and you can far more easily walk away from the shrimp or pick a different shirt to wear). 

Want to get rid of the hang up, or at least come across like you want to rid yourself of it until you actually do? Tell the trans person and the person's family you WANT to understand and you are committed to trying. Tell them that you WANT to use the correct name and pronoun and if you slip up, and don't realize you've slipped up, ask your trans relative to please (nicely) correct you. A great example of a similar conversation might go something like this:

                Cis-gendered person to trans person: Hey Amelia! How are you sweetie?

                Trans person to cis person: It's Andrew. I'm ok. How are you?

                Cis person: "Darn it!! I'm sorry Andrew! Thanks for the reminder. I'm doing ok."

Here's what that will do: that seemingly small correction BROADCASTS to your loved one that you really mean it when you say you want to accept and that you're trying to understand as much as you're able. I goofed with my kid and I definitely goofed with many many trans students I have encountered by accidentally using a prior name and incorrect pronoun. One person appeared more feminine facial features and based on that, I kept using the wrong pronoun. I would immediately correct myself and apologize. That genuine look-a-person-in-the-eye apology will carry the day almost all of the time. If it doesn't, well, trans people aren't perfect either; if the trans person doesn't accept your genuine apology, then clearly the hang up is now the trans person's.

Aunt, and Aunt's son, if you happen to be reading this, there are mothers all over the world who have walked in Aunt's shoes. Over 15 years ago my youngest "son" told me she was my daughter. It did not take that long before the entire family really got it but that's not to say the waiting was always easy. Bear in mind too that older people may struggle with getting the names and pronouns right simply because changing habits gets harder as we age, especially if the trans person came out after 15 -20 years. That's a lot of years of habit to undo. But give it time. Tell your family what you need from them. I know that Tooth Fairy would step in front of a truck for anyone she loves in a heartbeat. She's a safe person to tell if you think you need more from her. And Tooth Fairy is also a guiding light to others; when she talks, people listen. She's in your corner. If you need a woman who has literally walked in your shoes, ask Tooth Fairy for my contact information. I'm here for you.

Much love to all of you who are, who know and who love a trans or non-binary person. My daughter changed our entire family- immediate and extended- and made us all better for it. Love is love is love is love is love is love is love is love is love is love is loves love is love is love is love is love is love is love is love is love is loves love is love is love is love is love is love is love is love is love is loves love is love is love is love is love is love is love is love is love is love. Peace to you all- The Author

Montana-hang your head

 Montana legislature.... what are you thinking? Well, it's clear you're not thinking. You have elected to attempt to tell people who they are, and who they are not. But you took it an ugly step further by kicking Zooey out of proceedings, thus denying her constituents their representation.

https://www.cbsnews.com/news/zooey-zephyr-montana-transgender-lawmaker-silenced/

Here's the gist, as I see it: patriarchy and ignorance are on the run...and those who traffic in either know it. They're losing their grip on power...and they know it. As is commonplace with the small-minded, unimaginative, and ignorant- they are resorting to playing dirty. 

This proud mom of a stunningly beautiful soul that is my beloved daughter, who happens to be a trans woman, has mentored many students who are trans and are seeking port in a wildly chaotic storm. Please know so many of us are in your corners. While politicians want to pretend "woke" is a four letter word, most of us know that welcoming all to the table with genuine love and respect in our hearts is the highest calling.

I have to believe this violent resistance to acceptance on the parts of the ignorant is what it portends to be- the final cries of a movement in its death throes. Stay strong, hang tough, and try to remember there are a huge number of us who see you, who believe in you, who will fight for you and stand up for you. 

You are beautiful, no matter what they say...words can't bring you down...tomorrow we might wake on the other side- Christine Aguilera

With affection,

The Author

Love the kid you've got, not the one you wish you had

Parents of LGBTQ kids, or any kids, even young adult kids,

I ask you to listen; to read and to consider:

In recent months, I've had the fortune and misfortunate of being a touchstone for kids whose parents are rejecting them.  I say "fortune" because it is an honor that they would come to me; I say "misfortune" because it saddens me to hear of their struggles with their parents.

Hindsight being what it is, Bulldog and I have looked back on our earlier parenting years (because parenting isn't ever over) and wondered at WHY we were so hard-assed and rigid on some things. We thought that whatever it was that we felt compelled to stand firm on was important...except it seldom was.  Lucky for us, our missteps were not huge enough that we drove our children away completely. We, luckily, didn't drive a wedge so deep that we cracked the relationships irreparably. Fortunately, in the end, love prevailed.

So many of these kids that come to me are not complaining of things like being grounded unfairly, or other such disciplinary issues; rather, they are expressing distress at simply not being accepted, or loved, or talked to.  Don't get me wrong: I know people, young people and our children especially, can be dramatic, irresponsible and unreasonable.  Yet, what these kids are sharing is that they wish they could simply talk to their parents or feel like their parents love them and accept them.

I remember a time when I thought, and Bulldog did too, that if we controlled certain things about our children, we could feel assured that they would be good people, productive people, happy people. But there are some problems with that: control is an illusion, for one. And if we really want to experience some control, the best way is to simply love them and accept them.

When they make choices that we think are silly or ridiculous, selecting a major in college that won't offer job security, picking a hair color that is unprofessional, choosing to not engage in sports because they'd rather pursue something else, dating "beneath" them, we shouldn't force them to our way of thinking. Not only will our forcing them NOT guarantee that their lives will be ok, but we are more likely guaranteeing the opposite; what they NEED from us more than anything is knowing that we love them, even when they choose poorly, or simply differently, than what we think is best.

When they reject some of our values, that doesn't mean they aren't establishing good values of their own.  It only becomes personal if we give them ultimatums: accept my religion or you lose my support as a parent, or accept my version of morality or lose my support as a parent, or accept my version of what is best for you or lose my support as a parent.  If we do that to our children, we hurt them and ourselves no matter how our children chose and here's why:

If they choose differently than what we desire, we lose them because of that damned ultimatum we gave them.  If they choose as we desire, we've still lost them in a way because our love and acceptance is obviously conditional and they know it on some level. The truce will be an uneasy one. On some level, they will understand that our love and acceptance apply as long as they live as we expect them to.  In other words, they may choose as we desire, but will believe that we do not love them unconditionally.  We may protest and claim we DO love unconditionally...except that our actions speak louder than our words.

We're lucky-or maybe we're not just lucky. We're close to all of our kids despite our really rough stretches. In then end, shutting up was one of the best things we did.  Not commenting on choices they made was one of the best things we did. Wanting to know the people that were important to them  was one of the best things we did. The hardest part was letting go of our expectations. Don't we all think that the harder we hold on to them the more likely we are to achieve them?  But that's a myth and we hurt ourselves and our loved ones, our beloved children, when we do that.  Let go of expectations and in the space that is left, just fill it with love-a text message, a phone call, a lunch date, a happy post on Facebook, a family dinner, a game night, a small gift, a small compliment.  The hard part is letting go; it's surprising how easy it is after that.

The next generation

While DJ's life continues to flourish, I've found myself in the company of young high school students-my students. I work in a high school where I've had the great good pleasure of finding that we have nothing to fear in this up and coming generation: they are far more accepting of others than any other generation that precedes them, I'd wager.

Interestingly, one of my students is trans. He has been transitioning for a little over a year, I believe. His mother is reluctant to let go of the person she thinks is her daughter and baits her son continuously, likely in an effort to convince him that he is a she.  For years, Bulldog and I wondered at how trans kids whose parents were not accepting managed. It's strange to be on the other side of that question. To see the near daily struggles my student experiences is gut-wrenching and truth be told, I know it could STILL be must worse for him, which is horrible to contemplate.  What I mean is that my student, at least, still has a home to return to; his parents don't beat him, to my knowledge. His dad supports him, but is also battling his own substance abuse issues which makes him far less emotionally available to his son. But he is not homeless and his mother, despite her struggles to accept him, tells him she loves him-for that, I personally, am thankful.

But this young man keeps hanging in there and he's shared with me that our class is a haven of sorts to him.  I was thinking about that this morning-how his classmates tend to circle the wagons around him and another student who is vulnerable due to his autism. I've watched these kids look out for each other and especially for their most vulnerable peers and it warms my heart. I am gratified at being able to witness the inner strength of this young man as he continues his transition and journey to personal peace and happiness; I am equally gratified to witness all that is right and wonderful in witnessing how his peers support him.  These young people give me hope!!

Trump doing a favor for Trans folks

Whoda thunk it was possible? Our orange haired commander in chief has somehow served to galvanize support IN FAVOR of trans people!!!

What this author finds particularly wonderful is that, of course, that was not his intention.  I had a suspicion that his antics would serve to boomerang, but truthfully, I never saw this coming.

This from the guardian.com:

There was also rare defiance from Republicans in Congress. Senator Orrin Hatch, up for re-election soon in Utah, hardly a liberal bastion, said: “I don’t think we should be discriminating against anyone. Transgender people are people, and deserve the best we can do for them.”

Orrin Hatch speaking in favor of transgender people?  Is it July? Is it snowing where you are 'cause it's a freaking blizzard outside my window in otherwise balmy Virginia.

Trump is being laughed at the world over (again, I know, it just keeps happening) for his wanting to ban trans folks from the US military. 

Canada's military mocks him:  http://www.huffingtonpost.ca/2017/07/26/canadian-armed-forces-takes-dig-at-trump-over-transgender-milita_a_23049738/

Bad asses from the Navy are speaking out:

http://www.cnn.com/2017/07/26/opinions/kristin-beck-on-trump-transgender-tweet-opinion/index.html


And other parts of the world show how, once again, America is far less progressive:

http://www.cnn.com/2017/07/27/us/world-transgender-ban-facts/index.html


This is all great news for trans folks and for those of us who include trans folks among our loved ones.  DJ is only a few years short of a decade since her official transition and I'm ecstatic about how the world is changing.  We ain't where we should be yet, but Trump is helping to pave the way!!

Thanks President Oompa Loompa  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ja8V8Mf4xLs

Women's March on Washington

DJ and I took part in the Women's March in DC on January 21, 2017.  DJ brought her adorable new sweetheart, who we'll call Pixey because she is a tiny little brilliant person. We were also joined by Flying Pig, her beloved husband, my two nieces, and my twin cousins.

It was a proud day and demonstrated what women are capable of: true peaceful protest, around the world.  There were all kinds of causes represented there, among them the cause for equality and respect for trans people.

Women are the quintessential and ultimate disenfranchised category of humans the world over. However, we showed our power, accompanied by men who love us, that day. The women there seemed supportive of all other causes where persons are marginalized.

While the Trump administration and various states in the country seek to roll back time and rights for Trans people, and immigrants, women and lower income persons, we spoke that day and we'll keep "speaking." The science march is approaching soon-a great platform to speak about how gender identity has nothing to do with religion and everything to do with the science of anatomy and physiology. Gender identity is in the brain-it's science.  The American Medical Association recognizes gender dysphoria as a medical condition.  Modern medicine helps us manage issues with our bodies not acting "correctly" all the time.

My point is this: those millions of us that marched, all around the world, we're not done yet. We'll keep talking, and bugging the ever living crap out of congressmen, and drawing attention to causes that matter.  The transgender issue matters. 

Love will trump Trump

Hello anyone who may still be checking this blog,

Unfortunately, once again, Trump has proven again to not be in favor of equal rights for all or for inclusiveness.  https://www.washingtonpost.com/local/education/trump-administration-rolls-back-protections-for-transgender-students/2017/02/22/550a83b4-f913-11e6-bf01-d47f8cf9b643_story.html?utm_term=.8e8e31199143

What is a transsexual person to do if they are unfortunate enough to live in, oh say, North Carolina where this whole bathroom debacle began? If you're a minor in a public school-and you've been brave enough to request permission to use the restroom that is congruent to your identity, then I can't help but think that you have your parents' support. Let's assume that for the moment. In some states, a person can go through a legal process to have a legal name change and gender assignment change noted on his/her driver's license. That is the case in Virginia, for example. However, in North Carolina, according to http://www.transequality.org/documents/state/north-carolina a person must have gone through gender reassignment surgery which must be documented via a doctor's note.

Is there a way around that for person's who live in states that have such stringent requirements? Possibly. Oftentimes, a person can get a driver's license by submitting a passport. A passport can be obtained that will reflect a person's gender identity rather than gender by chromosomes.  It may be worth considering applying for a passport and then getting a driver's license. See http://www.transequality.org/know-your-rights/passports  for further direction.

Please know you will need to find a doctor to cooberate your condition, "Gender Dysphoria" is the clinical medical name for the "condition." Please accept the author's apologies for being so clinical but going the medical route is often the best way for trans people to get past such ridiculous barriers.

However, if you're stuck, be ready to protect yourself and make those who are responsible for you accountable. For example, if you are in a public school when harassment takes place, the school is responsible for your safety while you are on the premises. The American Civil Liberties Union has some great information in the event you get stuck in a horrible position:
https://www.aclu.org/know-your-rights/lgbt-high-school-students-what-do-if-you-face-harassment-school

The ACLU also offers additional information for transgender folks so they know their rights. Many times, it's much easier to take advantage of a person who doesn't know his or her rights. https://www.aclu.org/know-your-rights/transgender-people-and-law

According to this link, most states WILL allow you to change your gender on your driver's license without gender confirmation surgery, as long as you can get a doctor to confirm your gender identity. If you have the ability and opportunity, it's important to start the ball rolling on the issue if you happen to live in a conservative state such as NC where this bathroom discussion is hot and heavy.

If you're frightened, angry, outraged, depressed, insulted, or simply feel numb over Trump's repealing  the wonderful work of President Obama, know you are not alone. Many of us feel the same way and we are ready to fight back.

Without conditions

I've been fortunate enough to have friends in various parts of the country who support DJ and our family.  These fine folks understand the difficulty transsexual persons face in attempting to live their lives amid intolerance, or worse. They share resources and pass on helpful information.

One young woman, a gifted writer in her own right, has been at the forefront of supporting all marginalized persons, and our family in particular.  It so happens that her church friend has a young TS daughter.  This church friend also writes a blog, from the perspective of a mother raising a young child, not a teenage child.  Parents, if you're looking for direction, advice, understanding and support from people who are walking in your shoes, please visit this lovely mother's blog:

http://with-out-conditions.blogspot.com/2015/11/a-cold-dose-of-reality.html?m=1

I love the title-"Without conditions."  Loving our children, hell, loving each other, should always be without conditions, shouldn't it?

Keep learning, keep reaching out-there are other kids and parents like you and yours that are striving to love without condition.  You are NOT alone.

XOXO
The Author

A rose by any other name still smells as sweet

Dear Parents of Trans kids,

In recent weeks, I've been schooled, as it were, on terminology.  If you're wondering, "Is it transgender or transgendered? Or transsexual?" Or if you're wondering if differentiating is even important...consider clicking on the link below to read an intellectual discourse on the topic.  

Like all important issues, there will always be dissension among the ranks regarding how to best define the issue, or describe the individuals who comprise a given group.  It turns out that there are many layers to this issue but the author, Julia, makes a valid point about not getting too mired up in the terminology. Her perspective is refreshingly objective and illuminating. Give it a read...
 
http://juliaserano.blogspot.com.au/2015/08/regarding-trans-and-transgenderism.html#more

The Author

The danger of thumbtacks…this was our life at one point.

Another draft that didn't get published while we were in crisis mode…


I feel like a hamster on a treadmill.....running, running, running and not really gettin' anywhere.  And if the scenery were fabulous, I wouldn't care, but it seems I am staring at the four lanes of the beltway a LOT for the past month.  But, I have to remember that there are people who are visiting their children in the hospital and staring at the grim and heartbreaking likelihood that their kids may never come home again.  That certainly keeps everything in perspective for pretty much anyone, doesn't it?

DJ is home in the evenings again, but continues outpatient treatment for her anorexia nervosa. Again, while the 7day/week drive is tough, there is a girl in DJ's group who will need inpatient treatment for months, to the tune of $30,000/month.  WOW!  I think I can physically and monetarily afford what is in store for us, especially considering that DJ's condition really could be worse.  Some people with this disorder simply refuse to eat, even while they're in treatment.

Can you imagine it?  In drug rehab, you simply deny having drugs on the premises, and while they are in rehab, they will be successful in not using.  But when a person refuses to eat....you can't make them.  OK, you can make them "surgically" but even then, if the person were hell bent against taking in calories, they could merely rip out the tube.  What do you do then-keep the person sedated until they put on enough weight?  Wow....yeah....it could be worse.  DJ finds it difficult to eat appropriate amounts of food that would meet her needs, but she is doing it.  She doesn't refuse the Ensure when she cannot finish a meal, thank goodness, either.

But we did have to alter her "Wall of Randomness." This is a wall in her room on which she has pinned almost anything that she deems important:  ticket stubs, letters, photos, (even one of Abe Lincoln), some 3D objects like a drawer pull, a giant wooden snowflake, and a goldplated shamrock.  She has an autographed picture of Miss Virginia, 2010, who was so supportive when she met DJ.  Miss Virginia had a lifelong struggle with a speech impediment and made her platform anti bullying.  DJ met with her after her speech and shared that she was transgender.  Miss Virginia embraced her and applauded her courage.

Most of the items on the "Wall of Randomness" were held in place with thumbtacks.  Thumbtacks are sharp.  Leaving them in her room would be no more fair to her than leaving brownies out for a person battling obesity, or alcohol for an alcoholic.  When a person is feeling low on reserves, any of us will easily choose a behavior that may temporarily bring us a sense of control, but will hurt us in the end.  We had to remove the tacks.  DJ thought we were overreacting:

"I really doubt that I would go to the trouble of pulling tacks out of the wall."

"Well," her therapist replied, "two weeks ago I wouldn't have thought you would go to the trouble of inhaling bath salts either, and you probably didn't think you would either, but when you felt badly enough, you did."

Ummmm, yeah.  I concur.  Scotch tape will suffice and that is how I spent about 30 minutes of my day today, cursing silently under my breath as I pulled out easily over 100 thumbtacks.....sigh.

It takes a village

Found in the draft archives also….

By no means do I purport to be an expert on children.  In spite of the fact that I have 20 years more experience mothering and caring for children than my youngest sister, Flying Pig, I defer to her, or at least seek her advice on many matters concerning the raising of my kids, especially since the teenage years have descended upon us.  She is, in many ways, a child welfare expert by education, trade and natural ability.  And on occasion, when we doubt ourselves or are frustrated with our offspring, we go to family members who just plain have common sense about life and people, because oftentimes, they can see the forest for the trees far better than Bulldog and I can.

Among the family members whose advice we seek would be Bulldog's brother, the priest.  (I so wish he were a Brother, so I could say, "Bulldog's brother, the Brother.") My lesbian sister, Bean, my sister-in-law from my first marriage, Apple, and a few other sisters-in-law because we admired their loving and fresh approach to children.

Interestingly, we have seldom consulted any of them about how to handle issues related to DJ's coming out, or matters related to her care.   We feel pretty secure about that.  But we weren't sure how to go about informing our younger relatives-not that it was our place to inform them in any event because they were not our  children.  This decision on how, when and if to tell their children was decidedly up to them.  But we were worried about it.  Those first few months, we came up with mental lists of family members trying to decide to tell whom when, and in what order to inform them.   All kinds of factors entered the picture:  what was going on in the other persons' lives emotionally, financially, physically and  how likely would it be that we would run into them in the immediate future?  We were trying to be sensitive to our needs and theirs.

We worried the most about our little nieces and nephews.  We thought that in some cases, this situation might be beyond their parents' comfort levels.  It's one thing for a person to decide for themselves if they can accept this news, and another to make a decision to accept for one's children. And all of this was out of our hands and completely up to our adult family members.  I fretted, admittedly.  But once again, Dad's friend's advice proved to be sound. We had low expectations by preparing ourselves for the possibility of not seeing those members of our family with any frequency.  Once again, we underestimated the love and abilities of other folks and the unabashed genuine-ness that is inherent in nearly all children.

One sister-in-law, Tree-hugger, explained the situation to her son and daughter and their biggest concern was whether or not cousin-JD-now-known-as-cousin-DJ would still want to play with them.  Apple's approach was sheer brilliance and brought me to tears.  She told her two boys a story of a pirate who didn't really want to be a pirate.  He didn't feel like a pirate, didn't like dressing like a pirate and instead felt like he was really a.....let's say, a farmer, since I can't recall the example she used.  She asked her boys what they thought of that.  To them it was a simple proposition: stop being a pirate and be a farmer.  And with that, she explained about DJ.  They too just wanted reassurance that DJ would still want to play with them.

Another sister-in-law, Irish Rose, informed her children in her honest and loving way.  Admittedly, our nephew, who is a miniature philosopher, didn't understand feeling that way because he certainly didn't, but was ok with accepting someone else's feelings about themselves.  Our niece, characteristically loving and exuberant, was thrilled to have another female cousin.

To whom do we give the credit-the parents or the children?  Ideally both.  With all the folks mentioned above, as well as other members of Bulldog's family, my family, and our circle of close friends, there is this idea of finding teachable moments not only with our children, but with our family member's children, or our friend's children.  Not only do we support each other's children, but we may have to direct them, on occasion.  When Bulldog's family is gathered, and mayhem has the potential to ensue because of the sheer numbers that his Italian Catholic family comprise, particularly  when most of our multiple nieces and nephews are gathered under one small roof on Christmas Day, it was commonplace for any one of us to chorale them into helping to do chores, monitoring what they were watching on TV, and telling the older cousins that they got what they deserved when one of the younger cousins bit them since they wouldn't leave the child in question alone.  It's a very tribal way of child rearing and it works.  Moms and Dad can't be "on" all the time to catch our kid committing naughty or nice acts.  And the only way kids can figure out what is considered naughty or nice behavior is FEEDBACK.  As long as we surround ourselves with genetic family and chosen family (AKA:friends) that have some common sense, we can collectively raise our children well.

In my old neighborhood, back when I was a single mom, my good friend, also a single mom, invited us to dinner with her and her boys.  At some point, when I was preoccupied with I don't know what, she gently corrected one of my kids.  Then, later, she apologized to me for it.  It didn't bother me in the slightest.  I told her, "No worries Sue.  I believe in that whole "it takes a village to raise a child thing."

From surviving to thriving

Parents of transgender kids-I've found some unpublished drafts that I'm adding now.  Many were written when DJ was in crisis and my head and blogging ability were taking a backseat to my heart because of DJ's obvious emotional pain.  Sometimes this shit just plain hurts, but here I am five years later, having survived it because my kid survived it.  Hell, she didn't just survive-she's freaking thriving!!!  So take THAT, you haters out there.  There are more of us non-haters than there are of you.

The Author


It's funny how we want to put each other in boxes to be stored on the appropriate shelf.  One of many things I have learned, just in the past 24 hours, is that we are all complex people.  Why we feel a certain way, or act a certain way, seldom is the result of only one factor.  And furthermore, there is seldom only one solution to any problem.  If only it were that easy....

DJ is struggling in a way I've never seen her struggle before.  We would love to believe that there is an easy fix out there....just put her on an anti-depressant, that will solve the problem, or take her off one of the hormones she's on, that should do it.  Maybe if we scheduled her surgery next week she would be all better.  How about we make sure that she never crosses paths with a single person who used to know her as JD, so she won't have to suffer the indignity of now being "invisible" (DJ's word) to those folks.  We had one healthcare provider ready to assume, after not even meeting DJ, that she's bi-polar because she can spend hours composing music.  A blog reader stated that since she'd transitioned, she should be feeling fine because other trans people who have transitioned have been just fine, post transition, as if transition alone is the answer.

Here's the difficult truth:  there is no single answer or solution to finding lasting peace of mind and happiness for DJ.  It's becoming clear, or as clear as it can be after only 48 hours post-crisis, that DJ has pain she must work through, some of which originated years ago when she realized that how she felt about herself didn't match what the world expected of her because her reproductive organs were on the outside of her body rather than on the inside.  Some of the pain is a result of her "invisibility" at school (every time I think of what that must be like, I swear I feel my guts turn to water), and some a result of her trying to figure out who she is.  I'm 46 years old, and I'm still trying to figure it out.  And there may be other issues that need airing too.

Maybe I hover too much.  Maybe our family dynamic needs to shift a bit.  I don't have the answer and certainly anyone who suggests that his/her one path for happiness should work for everyone doesn't have the answer either.  While Bulldog and I know our daughter pretty well, even we accept that we don't have all the answers.  And as Bulldog has pointed out, none of this was in the parenting manual.

And it's not in a transgender manual, or a depression manual, or a self-esteem manual, or a how-to-not-be-invisible-in-high-school manual.  There is no one clear cut answer anywhere or from any one person.  But when you feel "truth" in your gut…go with it.  When the answer or solution feels right, deep in your gut, trust it.

Rebel Teacher knows best

Another "goodie" that I somehow forgot to publish a few years ago.  Rebel Teacher is the bomb.  Parents-this was eye opening for me, hearing Rebel Teacher's perspective; perhaps it will be for you, as well.

The Author


During my meltdown yesterday, when I was finally able to get to the sad part and boo-hoo a bit, I decided to NOT drive my car and instead, turn around and go see a friend in lieu of trying to make it to the hair salon.  This friend lives right up the street and actually is person who came up with my sister's name that I use in this blog - "Bean."  It's short for lesbian.  She and her husband were my sister's neighbors and referred to my sister and her girlfriend, who we'll call "Saint" because 1) she lives with my sister and 2) it's a tongue in cheek reference to the fact that she was raised in the Catholic faith and her parents feared for her soul on finding out about her orientation, as The Beans.  These folks are liberal minded, accepting and have hilarious senses of humor.

So, I stopped by to see this friend and I was so glad I did.  I've found that I am getting the most amazing insight from people and I did from her yesterday, as well.  Now, we'll call this woman Rebel Teacher because 1) she's a rebel and 2) she teaches, and loves to teach, the kids who most others think of as the rebels.  She sincerely loves the kids who are on the fringes of acceptance, and her experience is valuable.  She said to me, "It was just too easy at first, wasn't it?  DJ probably thought the hardest part would be telling you and Bulldog and the rest would be easy.  She figured her friends would be more accepting.  And then when you and Bulldog took it in stride, and she found out her friends wouldn't accept, it must have felt terrible for her."

I never thought about it like that.  DJ had such huge faith in her friends, and naturally, because she's a teenager, so little faith in us.  Once she had our acceptance, she probably figured school would be a piece of cake.

Then, Rebel Teacher added, "Being invisible is worse.  She was probably ready for someone saying something ugly.  She could respond to that."  Or, as Bulldog put it, "You can't fight back if you're not even there."

Sometimes I'm perceptive as hell, and other times, I'm as clueless as a box of rocks.  I knew being invisible was terrible, but now I understand it in another way-DJ was prepared to stand up for herself.  She wasn't prepared for.....nothing.

DJ hasn't said any of this to us, so we could be off base, but sometimes when I share insights from others, I can see a light of recognition go on in her face.  It's as if the thoughts are floating around in her head, but it's hard to explain until she hears someone else's perspective and then she either says, "No, that's not it" or "Yeah, it's kind of like that."

THIS is why we have to help each other.  Isn't it amazing how the smallest act of sharing can help another person so much?

There's this awesome woman in Australia who has been corresponding with me.  She has given me so much insight and reminders about what is and isn't important. Her stories are a reminder of the importance of perspective.  Small people are just that-SMALL.  We cannot let them become so large in our lives that they throw us of off our own tracks. And one of the best ways to keep that from happening is talking about how we feel, and listening to others who are willing to share their stories and thoughts with us.

DJ's plumbing skills

Nope-not what you think!! This is not a discussion of internal plumbing in the anatomical sense or plumbing in the sense of piping fresh water in and yucky water out.  This plumbing refers to DJ's interest in plumbing the depths of the ocean via SCUBA DIVING!!!  (At least initially.)

She's been at her college now for a few weeks.  She phoned me for a quick chat tonight prior to her physics society meeting…what exactly does one do at a physics society meeting?  I think of raised pinky fingers sipping tea from fine English bone china when I hear the word "society."

High Society

And yet, I also picture telescopes and those things you buy in Spencers with five metal balls suspended from fishing wire (known as "Newton's Cradle" if we want to be accurate; a highly desired quality in science, or so I understand) lined up next to each other so that you pull one to the side and watch the kinetic energy travel to the ball on the opposite end, only to see the pattern repeat; the two images just don't mesh.

I have no idea what goes on at said physics society meetings, but it's close to 3 in the morning, here in the eastern USA, my brain is foggy and I digress….

Back to scuba diving.  This is an essential skill for those who want to be astronauts as it is a means of mimicking the weightlessness that one will experience in space.  Now, she will not actually be plumbing the depths of the ocean anytime soon because her university is in a landlocked part of the state; she will likely be plumbing the bottom of a pool for starters!!

Then she informed me that her assigned "mentor" had invited her to his lab and I felt kind of freaked out.  I don't know-is that the 21st century science-y way of saying, "Hey baby, want to come see my sketches?"

"How old is he?"

"I don't know-mid to late twenties. Why?"

"Is anyone else going?"

"No…but mom, he's my assigned mentor."

Oh yeah, because if a well known university gives this guy the role of "mentor" he's certain to be trustworthy, in a lab, on a Thursday night, after 9 p.m., right?

"DJ, when I was a freshman in college, I went to the university health center for an upper respiratory infection.  The 3rd year resident elected to give me a complete breast exam. I trusted him 'cause he was a doctor. ( I should have trusted my gut when it said, "What the hell does this have to do my cough and low grade fever?" and then told him to get his damn hands off of me, but we tend to blindly trust doctors, right?) "Do not give people your trust until they earn your trust."

I could hear her exasperation with me so I didn't want to press it any further.  I admit it: I suffer from a form of reverse prejudice.  I never worried about this stuff with my sons.  I worried that when my oldest son joined a fraternity (a stupid waste of $1500 to purchase a wooden paddle and booze for their frat parties) he would get hazed as part of his initiation.  He bought the whole fraternity crap, hook, line and sinker, and still will not tell us what his initiation included because he took an oath….(so rolling my eyes right now.)  And Romeo was just so earnest and aware of being safe and didn't really care for partying that  I felt like he was fairly insulated from danger. DJ has no interest in sororities (oh thank goodness…if she agreed to wear a plaid skirt and a beret on Wednesdays just because the sorority said so, I would know I'd lost her forever) nor in partying.  She is strictly and excitedly interested in math, physics, engineering and astronomy, which includes scuba diving (Yay!!) and visiting isolated labs in the late evening (not so "yay").

You want to plumb the depths of a pool in order to someday plumb the vastness of space?  That's cool.  But please, plumb your new friends and learn about the hazards of unknown men too….please. In scuba diving, you always have to be aware of your surroundings-remembering your path of entry and means of egress, watching for hazards.  Goodness girl-I hope you're doing that with all these new people.

Why couldn't she have been assigned a female mentor?  Why didn't I make her stick with Taekwondo?  Why can't she be a bit less trusting that all science guys are like Bill Nye?

The University has an app that allows students to track their whereabouts so if they don't show up when they're expected, people will know where to start looking.  Am I nuts in so wanting to make sure she uses it, that I refuse to provide spending money until she proves to me she's using it?

Yup-we have lift off.  Mom is hovering. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Helicopter_parent  She's only 5 feet off the ground presently-quick, somebody ground the helicopter with a well-thrown rock before she hovers over DJ at the University science labs.

Caitlin the Conundrum

This author is feeling particularly cantankerous today as she has been in considerable pain for days. Hopefully the x-ray will shed light on the issue and prescription pain meds will work their magic.  However, being presently free of pain medication, I can only offer fair warning about the post that follows. It just might be a bit crotchety-I offer apologies in advance!

I'm trying to follow Mahatma Ghandi's advice about keeping my thoughts positive as they influence my actions, and ultimately my karma.  In that vain, I will attempt to address Caitlin Jenner's perspective on marriage in a manner that is respectful…despite the fact that I personally find it mind-boggling.

But wait…stop there.  After reading articles about the interview between Cait and Ellen on TheEllenShow, and viewing the actual Cait/Ellen interview on TheEllenShow, I've come away with thinking that Cait is acting more like a politician than anything else.

Here is the portion of the original interview when Caitlin Jenner and Ellen Degeneres discussed gay marriage:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_n8QskfvUfg

Below is the link to the article in Huffpost Women that depicts Ellen's comments on The Howard Stern Show; the article, "Ellen DeGeneres Responds to Caitlyn Jenner's Comments about Marriage Equality," was written by JamesMichael Nichols, the Deputy Gay Voices Editor of The Huffington Post on September 8, 2015. His commentary is included and perhaps apt; I'm still undecided.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/entry/ellen-degeneres-responds-to-caitlyn-jenners-comments-about-marriage-equality_55ef47bce4b002d5c0771495?section=women&ncid=fcbklnkushpmg00000046

I initially wondered at a man writing an article about a gay woman, and a transgender woman, for the Huffpost Women column at all. But then again, the article doesn't really examine women's issues specifically but rather the dichotomy of a transgender woman who is seeking equality and yet seems rather wishy-washy about marriage equality for gay couples. And that is not specifically a women's issue, is it?  Equality doesn't belong to just straight men and women, or just to natal men and women.  Or just to white men, or wealthy women, or women who were born with male chromosomes, are tremendously wealthy and can thus be the talk of the town because of her notoriety.

Does anyone buy her lukewarm "acceptance" of gay marriage?  It seems not, as evidenced by the myriad of comments from those who weighed in on the article, among them:

What Ellen doesn't...can't...get because Ellen is such a good, real person, is that Jenner is a media project, not a transgender person who has "come out." 

And...

How facinating that she doesn't get it! I've always been puzzled when any minority group that is fighting for equality and understanding doesn't understand the validity in another group fighting for the same!

Finally:

There are a lot of gay and transgender people who do not support same-sex marriage, just as there are Black people who don't support affirmative action or ending stop-and-frisk, or women who don't support feminism. Unfortunately, the institutions support white Christian male heteronormativity are so pervasisve that even those negatively affected by it often uphold these standards.(Emphasis added.)

So the question remains-how can a person who lobbies for equality for her "minority" somehow be unable to wholeheartedly divorce herself from her politics so that she can lobby for equality for other "minorities?"

What the hell is a minority anyway?  To put it simply, in somewhat sociological terms, it is anyone who is substantially (or perhaps merely marginally) different from those who hold the reins of society.  We all know who those folks holding the reins are:  those in positions of power, influence and almost always great wealth.  Is it really any wonder that a woman who happens to be transgender still expects to write her own rules, even when they seem to embody the height of hypocrisy?  After all, she is used to being in positions of influence and power.  Initially,  she earned her fame from the Olympics, and later, parlayed that into uber fame through her marriage to the Kardashian dynasty.  The people who got their fame from helping to free a man who was statistically likely to have killed his ex-wife and her friend.  Yes, black people are wrongly convicted far too often, but in OJ Simpson's case…his attorneys (Kardashian among them) were simply superior to the State's attorney.

My observations are thus:  Cait wants to control all situations to reflect her way of thinking.  She can profess to wanting to represent the transgender community all she wants; yet she insists on depicting the reality of being a transgender person in American society on her alleged "reality" show in a manner that  does not seem remotely realistic.  Perhaps if she removed the reality-bending lens through which she expects us to see her world she could finally be a "real" woman.  Real as in genuine because her gender has nothing to do with her reality. Her gender may certainly be real, but her perspective is not!

Still a quarter

What an education I've gotten today and in such short order!!  If you have been reading of late, you'll note that a "Miz Know it all" has been posting in the comments section of my blog. She recently mentioned that she, also, has a blog.  One of her recent posts, mentioned the Six Steps of "Passing." the discussion of which can be found at-
 http://miz-knows-it-all.blogspot.com/ 

For parents whose children have recently informed them that their child's gender is inaccurately reported on the birth certificate, "passing" commonly refers to a person successfully "appearing" as the gender with which the person identifies, and is contrary to both the birth certificate and the 1% of the body that is said to "define" gender: their genitals. 

The Six Steps are as follows:

• Step 0, No passing
• Step 1, Pass in a crowd
• Step 2, Pass with longer person-to-person interactions
• Step 3, Passing with a lover
• Step 4, Sustained Passing
• Step 5, Having your memory rewrite itself
• Step 6, Knowing that you have always been female

I'd like to focus on Step 5 as this was the topic of an important conversation between a neighbor and me.  She and I were chatting this weekend and she was asking about DJ's transition from community college to a four year university, far from home.  As our conversation continued, it eventually turned to the time when DJ first came out.  This neighbor is in her 70s and is probably the coolest woman her age, out there.  She shared with me how, admittedly, she wasn't sure if she would acclimate to DJ's change well; wondrously, she explained how it's like she can't remember DJ any other "way" despite the fact that DJ transitioned (outwardly) only five years ago.

She and I discussed this at length because both of us find it so fascinating that our memories have essentially "rewritten" themselves, as well.  It's the most interesting phenomena because I have clear memories of JD and yet that kid seems like another kid entirely.  I've said this before and it bears repeating to those parents who are doubting their ability to accept their children wholeheartedly:  JD "became" (in my mind) DJ's fraternal twin who went to spend the night at a friend's house and simply never came back. I remember JD quite clearly...but he is not DJ.  And yet, they share remarkable qualities.

JD could turn anything into a toy and amuse "him"self. Fifteen years ago, the 5 year old "boy" would pick up the loose end of the seatbelt on his car seat and it would become a space ship. Currently, DJ still exhibits that quality of imagination by turning some inane object into something that piques her curiosity.  There are certain "person" qualities that transcend gender; those qualities are constant and unchanged regardless of hormones, surgery, or the lack thereof.  Yet, in many other ways, DJ is so different from JD; in this way, gender is the lens through which a person both sees the world, and perhaps is seen by the world. In this way, my pre-transition youngest child is clearly "family" to the post-transition counterpoint; simultaneously, the two are no more the "same" than two siblings are.

I cannot pretend to understand this dichotomy beyond my rudimentary attempt here.  All I know is that all of us routinely use the female pronoun in referring to DJ, even when we are speaking of her pre-transition years.  And it's just so... normal.  Early in the process, I wasn't sure how I would remember her past without remembering her as JD, and yet, it's just so easy.

Here's how:  if we related to each other only telepathically, we would likely "sense" the  gender of other persons with whom we interact.  However, I think we would also be far less likely to "categorize" others because so many of us have varying degrees of "maleness" and "femaleness" that we manifest in our daily lives.  I'm not going to even try to define what I think of as "maleness" or "femaleness" because it's nearly an impossible task.  But what if our "gender" identity is similar to a dialect?  What if someone from New England said, "I love you" and someone from Louisianna said, "I love you?"  Each would clearly sound different from each other and each would have a "culture" that has helped to shape his/her language and dialect...but would the message really be that different?

Anyway, rewriting memory doesn't make the rewritten memory false-it's just looking at the other side of the coin.  Heads or tails-it doesn't matter-it's still a quarter.  That's how I see it anyhow...Thanks for the inspiration MKIA.  BTW-what the heck does HPWT stand for? 

DJ finds her ground

Less than 24 hours after leaving, DJ called to tell me about her first night. (Good daughter!!)  She was quite excited at meeting people who share a common interest, that interest being (wait for it) ....Dungeons and Dragons.  She's attending a polytechnical university, so certainly uber cerebral geeks abound; she is one of them.

When we toured the dorm this spring, I noted a dry erase memo board with glyph-appearing writing on it attached to the door of one of the rooms. 

"Is that calculus?" I asked.

"No, it's Elvish," DJ replied.

"What does The King have to do with it?" I asked, in my head, thinking, of course, of Elvis Presley.

What I actually asked was, "What's Elvish?"

DJ explained, "It's a 'language' from Lord of the Rings." (Spoken by Elves....naturally.)

I slowly turned my head to look at her and said, "These are your people."

So yes, her dorm room is adorned with posters of Japanese Anime, her first new friends are Dungeons and Dragons aficionados, and she wore a Kiki's Big Adventure shirt paired with shorts denoting her university.  She screams GEEK.  She also screams HAPPY GEEK. She doesn't scream transgender.  It's her choice to either wave the banner or go stealth.  I'm all for stealth for now, or forever...again, it's her life and her choice.  She still lives in the Bible belt and deserves to be seen as her true self and not through a prejudiced lens.  She's just a young woman leaving home for college for the first time. Why should she be any different from any other young woman? 

She's off to a great start :)

Fly, Baby!!

DJ left today for college.  She's transferring to a university some hours from us to major in physics and astronomy.  She does nothing by halves, does she?  Except pack for college apparently:  she insisted on packing light. Smart girl, that one.

I thought for certain Bulldog and I would both be bawling like babies. I cried after dropping both of DJ's brothers at college, but didn't shed a tear today and I think I know why:  it's her time.  She had to fight for her happiness and now that she is on her way, how could there be anything to cry about?  Don't get me wrong-I ache.  Her room is empty in the strangest way, as is my heart, at the moment.  And yet, she's ready to fly, both figuratively and literally.  Our girl wants to be an astronaut and I would be terribly surprised if she didn't achieve this, as well.

She's sleeping in another city tonight, far from home but I'm raising my glass to my best girl-spread those wings baby; don't look down and don't look back.  Just fly.