I mentioned yesterday my paranoia about DJ's anonymity. I blame myself for some of my paranoia because of a decision I made almost two years ago to share my identity in my local area. A big mistake I think. I thought it was coming from a wanting to be brave like my daughter, but I failed to have long-term perspective.
There have been a handful of folks who have successfully transitioned and are "flying under the radar", meaning their former lives have been left in the past.....or so they thought. With today's technology, outing someone publicly is so easy, as is getting access to someone's past. This haunts me-there are yearbooks with JD's picture in them. What if, for the sake of argument, DJ went on to become some well known musician...how long would it take before some @$$hole, with an axe to grind, who is jealous of her success, to float the pic of JD out on the net? Or worse: What if something I posted on my blog comes to light that serves to out her?
I didn't understand that there are even people in the LGBT community who might find it useful to use her success story to their advantage, even if it means causing her accidental harm. Damn those rose colored glasses that I wore for too long!!! Thankfully, I have a friend who has shared her perspective about the importance of caution. Thanks to that Australian lassie!
We encourage DJ to look outside of our town for schooling and for job prospects, as well as social outings. This has worked well for her and she is considering even driving a bit further out for school next year, as well as for a part time job. There is much more acceptance in the area she is considering. This upcoming year, while attending community college, she will start planning for a four year university to complete her studies in music, most likely. Then she will be able to spread her wings more fully. But I will likely always be looking over my shoulder for her. I don't want her to worry about such things, so Bulldog and I will instead :) We'll caution her to be selective about what she shares but I think she's savvy to the importance of discretion. We all continue to learn....
Parents who are new to this: be cautious and guard both your privacy and that of your child covetously. At the same time, do not beat yourself up about not thinking far enough ahead. (I will attempt to listen to my own advice!) Your child may have an, "I don't give a damn what people think; I am who I am," perspective, out of fatigue from living a false life for so long. It's SO understandable, but you MUST guide them until they are of age to make an informed decision for themselves.
However, there are some brave parents who are going public with their outcry on behalf of their very young transgender children. These folks may be the exception but I'm not sure, personally. I admire their courage, and think that their children will fare well since they transitioned so young that very few will get as "outraged" when the only "proof" that can be produced of the child's previous life is a picture of a gender neutral appearing five year old. Let's face it, remove the trappings, i.e., clothing and haircuts, and most children appear somewhat androgynous when looking at their little faces. It's when a picture of an "obviously" male or female person is juxtaposed against a picture of the person living as his or her true self that people tend to react to because the "difference" in gender seems more "obvious." That's the nature of our very visually-oriented society. So, these parents of very young children may be where one of the answers to societal acceptance lies. We are more empathetic to a child who appears somewhat androgynous. But who knows how their kids will feel 20 years from now? It's too soon to tell, but I for one will not find fault with them. I would only remind any parent who is raising a child who may be subject to deliberate or accidental misunderstanding and ridicule to proceed with caution, while being quick to forgive themselves if they make a mistake. My thoughts are with you <3.
There have been a handful of folks who have successfully transitioned and are "flying under the radar", meaning their former lives have been left in the past.....or so they thought. With today's technology, outing someone publicly is so easy, as is getting access to someone's past. This haunts me-there are yearbooks with JD's picture in them. What if, for the sake of argument, DJ went on to become some well known musician...how long would it take before some @$$hole, with an axe to grind, who is jealous of her success, to float the pic of JD out on the net? Or worse: What if something I posted on my blog comes to light that serves to out her?
I didn't understand that there are even people in the LGBT community who might find it useful to use her success story to their advantage, even if it means causing her accidental harm. Damn those rose colored glasses that I wore for too long!!! Thankfully, I have a friend who has shared her perspective about the importance of caution. Thanks to that Australian lassie!
We encourage DJ to look outside of our town for schooling and for job prospects, as well as social outings. This has worked well for her and she is considering even driving a bit further out for school next year, as well as for a part time job. There is much more acceptance in the area she is considering. This upcoming year, while attending community college, she will start planning for a four year university to complete her studies in music, most likely. Then she will be able to spread her wings more fully. But I will likely always be looking over my shoulder for her. I don't want her to worry about such things, so Bulldog and I will instead :) We'll caution her to be selective about what she shares but I think she's savvy to the importance of discretion. We all continue to learn....
Parents who are new to this: be cautious and guard both your privacy and that of your child covetously. At the same time, do not beat yourself up about not thinking far enough ahead. (I will attempt to listen to my own advice!) Your child may have an, "I don't give a damn what people think; I am who I am," perspective, out of fatigue from living a false life for so long. It's SO understandable, but you MUST guide them until they are of age to make an informed decision for themselves.
However, there are some brave parents who are going public with their outcry on behalf of their very young transgender children. These folks may be the exception but I'm not sure, personally. I admire their courage, and think that their children will fare well since they transitioned so young that very few will get as "outraged" when the only "proof" that can be produced of the child's previous life is a picture of a gender neutral appearing five year old. Let's face it, remove the trappings, i.e., clothing and haircuts, and most children appear somewhat androgynous when looking at their little faces. It's when a picture of an "obviously" male or female person is juxtaposed against a picture of the person living as his or her true self that people tend to react to because the "difference" in gender seems more "obvious." That's the nature of our very visually-oriented society. So, these parents of very young children may be where one of the answers to societal acceptance lies. We are more empathetic to a child who appears somewhat androgynous. But who knows how their kids will feel 20 years from now? It's too soon to tell, but I for one will not find fault with them. I would only remind any parent who is raising a child who may be subject to deliberate or accidental misunderstanding and ridicule to proceed with caution, while being quick to forgive themselves if they make a mistake. My thoughts are with you <3.
it is un-healthy to be paranoid about this (although I understand it).
ReplyDeleteSimply do the best you (or anyone else) can do, ALWAYS hope for the best and (attempt to) plan for the worst.
Yes, her quality of life and how much she can make of her future life is largely dependant on privacy, anonymity, and discretion, but the truth is (for "kids" like DJ) she IS (in essence) correct when it all comes down to it.
She IS who she is, and what others think can't and won't change that.
Everyone must face some level of judgement and ignorance (parents, although they'd like too, cannot eliminate that indefinitely), life is simply easier to endure if we only have to face a little as possible.
to any parents in need, the best advice anyone could give you is: understand and respect yourself and your own strength. If you love your child unconditionally, then that love will see you move mountains and achieve things you never would have believed yourself capable of achieving.
Fear clouds y/our judgment, patience! give it time, breathe and reconsider ALL the angles.
I just discovered your blog. I am the mother of an eight year old boy who more and more everyday assosciates with his desire to be a girl. You are possibly the only support, albeit virtual, that I may have! Thank you : )
ReplyDeleteBohemian Momma-Thanks for writing in. I suspect you and I have much in common from the quick peek I made to your blog.
ReplyDeleteForgive me for a moment as I quote you back to you:
"...associates with his desire to be a girl."
Consider it this way: Do you desire to be a girl, or are you simply a girl? The only reason you may not "desire" to be one is because you feel like you ARE one and ALSO IMPORTANTLY-you are "allowed" to live as the girl you know you are.
You are likely in a no-man's land right now: often we fear that if we "permit" our child to live as s/he (I use this simply as a grammatical tool for simplicity only-this is NOT to denote any "hermaphrodite" innuendo in any way) would live were s/he permitted to live as the gender s/he identifies with, we would be horrified to find out we're "wrong" if the child ends up identifying with his or her chromosomal gender identify in the end. We often fear that by allowing our child to live as the other gender for that time ended up causing our child more harm than good. As Anonymous states above, fear does cloud judgement, but it's hard to give up the fear when it comes to our children.
Here's the good news about allowing your child to begin living in the manner that your child feels is genuine: IF this is a phase, your child will tire of it. If you allow your child to dictate how s/he would like to dress, be referred to etc., especially at home, time will likely tell whether it is "just" a phase and is simply a desire to share in some activities that are traditionally reserved for girls. However, I suspect that you are open minded enough that your child wouldn't need to go to this length just to be allowed to participate in traditional girl play, roles, behavior, toys, etc.
Watch your child as you allow the child to take part in living as s/he believes is genuine. Does your child become more joyful? Are there areas in your child's life where s/he is apathetic about things that typical boys are usually excited about? Does that change when s/he can choose how s/he presents, at least at home, to start? If your child is truly a male who wants to participate in more female outlets, that will become evident. If your child is truly female but has the wrong body, that will become increasingly evident, as well.
May I suggest you look for a therapist that deals with this? S/he can guide you, in particular. The thing is, if your child's reality is that "he" identifies as a "she", s/he will be quite certain over time. It will likely be you, or even more likely, the child's father that will struggle the most. I have other posts that address this: the parent having the same gender as the child's physical sex will usually struggle with this issue the most.
However, by all means, keep writing. I remember keenly how lost I felt because I had almost no resources available for my child or for my husband and me. In 3 short years, that has changed so much. Read all you can. Learn about this condition. And contact me whenever you want. If you post a comment, it will pop up in my mailbox.
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