I hope The Godfather does not mind my sharing this, but I think it's important.
He has been going through a similar process that Bulldog has experienced. He called us a week before the surgery to plan to stay with us during DJ's convalescence and then again a few days before we left. During the second call he became quite tearful:
"I feel as if I'm losing someone," he tearfully explained.
I told him how Bulldog had gone through this same experience. I think The Godfather was feeling guilty about this feeling when quite frankly, he shouldn't. It is what it is. Acceptance of one thing almost always means letting go of something else-it's a natural part of life.
I cannot possibly be a happily married woman unless I'm willing to let go of being a happily single woman. It wasn't easy and I missed that way of life, but I wanted this other way of life more, and so I let go of the latter to have the former. Maybe I am oversimplifying here, but perhaps it really is that simple.
We adapt to new circumstances all the time and we are able to do that because we learn to let go of the "former" aspects of our lives so we can embrace what is coming next. We do it with our relationships with people who have passed on, with people who are no longer a good fit in our lives, and with people who are not exactly who we thought they were. Missing other people does not mean we love those in front of us less.
Missing JD does not mean The Godfather doesn't absolutely adore DJ. Adoring DJ doesn't mean that those of us who loved JD must stop remembering that person. We are not "cheating" on DJ when we remember some of JD's antics. JD, who was doing a remarkable job of being DJ's alter ego, was a great guy even if he wasn't totally "real" but there were aspects of JD's personality that are still an integral part of the person that is DJ.
It's so hard to explain how it happens, but it does. We don't get to be surrounded by all the people we love during the entirety of our lives. We all know this. We have to let some of them go and it's painful. Learning to love new people can feel disloyal, but it's not. It's not like we get one bucket o' love to last us our whole lives-love multiplies like rabbits when we're not looking.
You're allowed to feel the loss-it's ok. But don't let it stop you from loving this fine person that's standing right in front of you. This is the 21st century-all of us know how to multitask. I almost forgot the most important part of what The Godfather said. After saying he felt like he was losing someone, he added:
"But I want to support her."
THAT is how we emotionally multitask.
He has been going through a similar process that Bulldog has experienced. He called us a week before the surgery to plan to stay with us during DJ's convalescence and then again a few days before we left. During the second call he became quite tearful:
"I feel as if I'm losing someone," he tearfully explained.
I told him how Bulldog had gone through this same experience. I think The Godfather was feeling guilty about this feeling when quite frankly, he shouldn't. It is what it is. Acceptance of one thing almost always means letting go of something else-it's a natural part of life.
I cannot possibly be a happily married woman unless I'm willing to let go of being a happily single woman. It wasn't easy and I missed that way of life, but I wanted this other way of life more, and so I let go of the latter to have the former. Maybe I am oversimplifying here, but perhaps it really is that simple.
We adapt to new circumstances all the time and we are able to do that because we learn to let go of the "former" aspects of our lives so we can embrace what is coming next. We do it with our relationships with people who have passed on, with people who are no longer a good fit in our lives, and with people who are not exactly who we thought they were. Missing other people does not mean we love those in front of us less.
Missing JD does not mean The Godfather doesn't absolutely adore DJ. Adoring DJ doesn't mean that those of us who loved JD must stop remembering that person. We are not "cheating" on DJ when we remember some of JD's antics. JD, who was doing a remarkable job of being DJ's alter ego, was a great guy even if he wasn't totally "real" but there were aspects of JD's personality that are still an integral part of the person that is DJ.
It's so hard to explain how it happens, but it does. We don't get to be surrounded by all the people we love during the entirety of our lives. We all know this. We have to let some of them go and it's painful. Learning to love new people can feel disloyal, but it's not. It's not like we get one bucket o' love to last us our whole lives-love multiplies like rabbits when we're not looking.
You're allowed to feel the loss-it's ok. But don't let it stop you from loving this fine person that's standing right in front of you. This is the 21st century-all of us know how to multitask. I almost forgot the most important part of what The Godfather said. After saying he felt like he was losing someone, he added:
"But I want to support her."
THAT is how we emotionally multitask.
This post resonates a lot with me when it comes to my life at the moment and the people in it. Insightful in many ways. I maintain that many instances those around us have it much harder than we do.
ReplyDeleteI hope you're all doing well
Dear a-friend,
ReplyDeleteI disagree with you. We have adjustments to make, and it's not easy, but we do NOT have it harder than you. If it seems that way, it is because we are making it that way. I cannot take on my daughter's reality nor can I be responsible for her reality just like you cannot be responsible for your parents' reality. Transgender people do not have a choice about being transgender, all they can choose is how to handle it. The people who love transgender people DO have a choice to accept and love, and many simply don't.
Great blog and great parents,
ReplyDeleteI loved the line, "DJ's alter ego, was a great guy even if he wasn't totally "real"
Hugs,
April
I understand why one might think that way, but something i've learned is that things aren't always easy and choices, although often simple, often black and white, aren't ALWAYS, especially when love and emotions are involved.
ReplyDeleteI have to think (for my own peace of mind) that typically loving, supportive parents would not easily/willingly just withdraw their love and support.
What would that mean to me if I thought that they could?
The truth is that hurt, pain, grief, makes people do things they ordinarily would not. Should we blame them for their actions under duress?
Does that make this hurt less? NO.
Sadly, were Transsexualism is concerned, there is more often than not NO WINNERS.
I hope alls going well
Love A.