In the trenches

So, maybe you've known for a long time, or maybe you've just found out:  but the son you've always known as a boy has just said he's a girl, or perhaps your daughter has informed you that she is actually a he.  Depending on your belief system, your educational background, hell, on any  number of variables, your reaction is:  Disbelief (as in "Seriously, if this is a joke, it is NOT funny!"),  or perhaps, Fear (as in, "holy crap, my kid is gonna get his/her head shoved into a toilet if anyone at school finds out."), possibly, Embarassment ("HOW will I explain to my friends?  How many friends will I lose?"),to, perhaps, Revulsion ("That is unnatural!").  If your kid is coming out as a teen and didn't give any "obvious" signs, you probably never saw it coming.  We didn't.

Aside from wanting to play with a kitchen set at age 3, our genetic son (you'll catch onto the lingo eventually, hang in there) didn't really do anything that screamed that he was actually a she.  JD emulated his older brothers in the way siblings often do, didn't request feminine toys or articles of clothing, and was not "effeminate" that we knew of.  When JD started to grow out "his" hair at age 10, we thought nothing of it as his brothers went through the same stage.  When he shaved his legs the year he started running cross country, we accepted his goofball explanation that it cut down on his running time.  Granted we didn't believe it, but hell, they were his legs! 

If you're thinking we were too permissive, my initial inclination is to say, "This is not the blog for you, then" but I resist that base urge and say instead, "Consider being slightly permissive."  What we're doing is working:  our kid is showing all the signs of being a happy, healthy teenage girl, in spite of being born a genetic male.  And isn't that REALLY what we want for our kids?

If you're of the mind that your child is violating the rules of the Creator, consider this:  we're learning that gender identity is in the brain.  To put it in my kid's words:  God made me a female; mother nature screwed up.  If you're struggling with that aspect, I encourage you to let it go and trust that God is merciful.  Start there, let God judge, and for now, treat your child as the "least of my brothers" and do unto your child as you would do unto Jesus himself.  That will, hopefully, calm your religious fears and allow you to support your kid so that he/she won't end up homeless or dead by his/her own hand.  Sorry to be blunt, but that is the TRUE REALITY of transgender folks who are rejected by their families.

Start there.  Just love your kid for today.  Tomorrow will take care of itself.  And come back for more words of encouragement.  We've been in the trenches for over a year now....it gets better. And if you MUST research on the web, be cautious as there are some frightfully ignorant webpages out there.  Try "Laura's Playground" and don't worry that the graphics seem childlike, it's full of great, sanctioned-by-professionals information.  Hope to have you back :)