Changes in Passport Guidelines for Trans and Non-Binary American Citizens

If you needed to obtain or renew a passport after January 20, 2025, and your gender identity is not traditional cis-gender male or female, you may have experienced the horror of being issued a passport that includes your legal name (that you may have changed to one you chose for yourself) and the incorrect gender identity under the category of sex. 

One of my relatives rationalized that trans and non-binary people with incorrect passports would still be free to leave the country...sure, but what would happen on their return? This was terrifying to contemplate. The ACLU jumped on this and the executive order that initiated the change in State Department practices has not passed muster with the courts...so far. (See the article here: https://www.aclu.org/press-releases/appeals-court-denies-request-to-stay-order-preserving-passports-for-many-trans-nonbinary-intersex-citizens)

Given the stay, you can re-apply for your passport so it will correctly reflect your gender identity. If somehow the current administration attempts to push this to the Supreme Court, it's possible they could reverse the stay and uphold the executive order; until that time, however, at least you can have a passport that is accurate so that leaving the country and returning (hopefully) will not be fraught with anxiety over being stopped at the border on re-entry just so the current border control officers can mess with you if they feel like it, since that is the current flavor of many federal law enforcement officers, unfortunately.

The explanation can be found here on the State Department website:

https://travel.state.gov/content/travel/en/passports/passport-help/sex-marker.html

You will need to complete an attestation; you are attesting to the following:

And you'll need to complete an application and, of course, pay the fee. It sucks if your passport was just renewed, with the incorrect gender reflected, where you parted with a couple of hundred bucks, including shipping, and that you have to do it again. If you were my child, and you could swing the money, I'd suggest you get this done ASAP. 

The current climate in the USA is decidedly anti-LGBTQ+ and having a back-up plan for your own personal safety is not being paranoid. Not anymore.  If you have people you trust that can loan you the money until you can pay it back in 6-8 months, this might be a worthwhile time to break that unwritten rule of not borrowing (or lending) money through family. 

I'm grateful and DJ and Marie live in a progressive area and have resources. I know that isn't true for everyone. Be vigilant, be private, and be safe. In peace, the Author

The DJ Update

 Where to start? Well, how about with some breathtakingly happy news? DJ is engaged to be married next spring. Her beloved is a lovely and insanely intelligent woman who completely "gets" our girl- supports her and understands her. Bulldog and I marvel at how they are together. They both are devoted to music, science, building projects together, enjoying raves and electronica music, nature walks, and each other.

DJ and her beloved, who we'll call Marie, as in Marie Curie, because she is absolutely brilliantly intelligent, bought a house together right before they got engaged. It's a charming house surrounded by trees. It's minutes away from a lake. When I told her her lakeside neighborhood is everything I'd want to retire to, she looked momentarily horrified!! 

DJ and Marie have designated one of the bedroom solely for engaging in some of their hobbies that are centered around music. They both just finished building a sub-woofer that is larger than an end-table and looks like it came out of a comic book. They are definitely two peas in a pod.

DJ has always been a private person and as she matures, she's become more so. She's much smarter than her mother in that regard. My habit of being an open book, largely inspired by a need to be liked, has been a regret of mine as it has yielded some very unpleasant circumstances when I gave people my trust despite their not having earned it. She and Marie have small groups of friends with whom they spend time.

After DJ's gender confirmation surgery, she had a couple of medical hiccups that she managed well because she is committed to being well. We are grateful that she is in this happy place.

The wedding will have an enchanted forest feel to it which is perfect for our girl as she has a decided ethereal quality to her. She and Marie will be getting married here at our property at a really pretty spot along our tree line with our enormous pond in the background. Please put out good vibes for beautiful weather in the southeast for the end of April.

A lot has changed in the last 15 years for DJ. She has come a long way. Unfortunately, the USA is easily as frightening towards trans people as when DJ came out over 15 years ago. There was a sweet spot around 5-6 years ago where it appeared the tides were turning towards broader acceptance until 47's administration came to power. I strongly believe we are witnessing the death throes of an ideology centered around hate of others who are not exactly like the haters. People do desperate things when they sense they are losing and that is what we are living through now- their desperate attempts to hold on to power. We need to hold fast no matter what during these times. Stay abreast of what this administration is doing regarding executive orders. If you were issued a passport with the incorrect gender reflected on it, you can get one re-issued with the correct gender while the case continues to be adjudicated. So far, federal judges are NOT upholding the 2-gender executive order. Stay informed please and stay tuned...

Can you accept but not understand a trans person?

 If anyone is still reading this, or is new to this blog...I've been on a hiatus. If you've been a DJ follower and want to know how she's doing, I'll follow this post with a catch-up post regarding how our darling girl (now, a young woman) is doing.

I was at a beloved friend's 50th birthday party this weekend. We'll call her Tooth Fairy. Those who know her will get the reference right away. In this day and age where trans people and the people who love them are equally maligned, I'll keep her identity hidden. She has an aunt who has a child who is trans. Tooth Fairy's Aunt has 3 children- a set of twins and their sibling. One of the twins, presumed to be a girl, revealed that he is not an identical twin, but a fraternal twin.

Tooth Fairy's Aunt, struggled at first, like most parents will, and it appears that she fully supports her son. 

Everyone pause and applaud Tooth Fairy's Aunt. Send prayers her way too -for her and her son as she is a woman of strong faith and prayers will mean the world to her. 

Tooth Fairy's Aunt, who we'll just call "Aunt" for this post, is struggling, as I understand it, with the extended family's difficulty with accepting her son. I completely get it. That will bring out the Mother Bear in any woman. 

Tooth Fairy (and if you read this Tooth Fairy, you know how much I love you) has a heart of gold. She too is a woman of strong faith. While her faith informs much of her belief systems, she is not limited by them like so many are. Tooth Fairy has hoped Aunt would reach out to me for some support and I can understand why Aunt would not at a party. Tooth Fairy referred to the cousin by his female name assigned at birth and by the incorrect pronoun during our conversation; however, when I referred to her cousin as "he" and by his chosen name, she followed suit. (Applause for Tooth Fairy!) She brought up a point though that is thought provoking. She explained that she had said to Aunt that while they didn't understand Aunt's child being trans, they could still support Aunt and Aunt's son. Aunt wasn't accepting of this explanation.

It got me wondering...how much does one have to understand to offer true unconditional love? I'm not sure that how much one understands is important so much as how they try to demonstrate that they WANT to understand. Let's face it, I don't understand what it is to be a guy. I never will because I'm not a guy. I may have glimmers of understanding because I have some traits that may fall on the masculine side of the spectrum of gender, but largely, I have to imagine what it's like to be in someone else's stilettos, or boots, or any other shoe, to come close to understanding. That's the difference between empathy and sympathy. Empathy is, "I get what you're going through and I feel for you." Sympathy is, "I can only imagine what you're going through and I feel for you."

Is sympathy enough? Well....maybe, or maybe not. How vigilant is a person in demonstrating sympathy? If someone refers to a person by the gender and name that is NOT their identity, and does not recognize that they've done so or made an attempt to correct it, that may seem to the trans person, or his mom, that the family members really don't support the trans person.

Here's the thing- who we are is THE most important facet of our lives. Second to that is the body each of us must live in. Most of our waking hours will be spent in engaging others through the WHO we are; the majority of both our waking and sleeping hours will be comprised of the care, feeding, resting, restoring of our bodies. There is little else that any one of us will "own" outright and very little else that we have much control over. If I don't get to decide who I am and make decisions about my own body, what the hell else is there? Sure, the people we love but we love them through ourselves and our bodies are a reflection of ourselves. 

To answer the question posed here...yes, you can accept without understanding. But loving and making a concerted effort every day to try to understand is a higher calling. What does that look like? Committing first and foremost to calling the person by the name they chose and using the pronouns they request. Nobody, but nobody, gets to tell me who I am. I think we can all agree on that. Why that universally accepted rule stops with trans people is hard to defend. 

In the end, the hang-up is on the part of those who aren't meeting the needs of the trans person and the trans person's family. Substitute "cancer" for trans; substitute being born with a cleft palate for trans; substitute being born with internal reproductive organs and external genitalia that are unrecognizable for trans; substitute having variations in your DNA for trans- now, imagine that a family member had any of those conditions. How hard would it be to show love to the person all the time? When people struggle to show love and unyielding sympathy for the plight of the trans person who is living in a world that somehow thinks rigid gender roles are normal, then the problem is with the person having difficulty demonstrating love. I just spelled out a minimum of 4 health conditions all of which are real and merit sympathy- why is this medical condition different? Because somewhere we believe more in a handful of sentences in the Old Testament (much of which we ignore when it applies to us, i.e., how many of us eat shrimp or have clothing made of two different types of fibers? You are just as guilty of alleged "sin" according to the Old Testament as a trans person is and you can far more easily walk away from the shrimp or pick a different shirt to wear). 

Want to get rid of the hang up, or at least come across like you want to rid yourself of it until you actually do? Tell the trans person and the person's family you WANT to understand and you are committed to trying. Tell them that you WANT to use the correct name and pronoun and if you slip up, and don't realize you've slipped up, ask your trans relative to please (nicely) correct you. A great example of a similar conversation might go something like this:

                Cis-gendered person to trans person: Hey Amelia! How are you sweetie?

                Trans person to cis person: It's Andrew. I'm ok. How are you?

                Cis person: "Darn it!! I'm sorry Andrew! Thanks for the reminder. I'm doing ok."

Here's what that will do: that seemingly small correction BROADCASTS to your loved one that you really mean it when you say you want to accept and that you're trying to understand as much as you're able. I goofed with my kid and I definitely goofed with many many trans students I have encountered by accidentally using a prior name and incorrect pronoun. One person appeared more feminine facial features and based on that, I kept using the wrong pronoun. I would immediately correct myself and apologize. That genuine look-a-person-in-the-eye apology will carry the day almost all of the time. If it doesn't, well, trans people aren't perfect either; if the trans person doesn't accept your genuine apology, then clearly the hang up is now the trans person's.

Aunt, and Aunt's son, if you happen to be reading this, there are mothers all over the world who have walked in Aunt's shoes. Over 15 years ago my youngest "son" told me she was my daughter. It did not take that long before the entire family really got it but that's not to say the waiting was always easy. Bear in mind too that older people may struggle with getting the names and pronouns right simply because changing habits gets harder as we age, especially if the trans person came out after 15 -20 years. That's a lot of years of habit to undo. But give it time. Tell your family what you need from them. I know that Tooth Fairy would step in front of a truck for anyone she loves in a heartbeat. She's a safe person to tell if you think you need more from her. And Tooth Fairy is also a guiding light to others; when she talks, people listen. She's in your corner. If you need a woman who has literally walked in your shoes, ask Tooth Fairy for my contact information. I'm here for you.

Much love to all of you who are, who know and who love a trans or non-binary person. My daughter changed our entire family- immediate and extended- and made us all better for it. Love is love is love is love is love is love is love is love is love is love is loves love is love is love is love is love is love is love is love is love is loves love is love is love is love is love is love is love is love is love is loves love is love is love is love is love is love is love is love is love is love. Peace to you all- The Author

Montana-hang your head

 Montana legislature.... what are you thinking? Well, it's clear you're not thinking. You have elected to attempt to tell people who they are, and who they are not. But you took it an ugly step further by kicking Zooey out of proceedings, thus denying her constituents their representation.

https://www.cbsnews.com/news/zooey-zephyr-montana-transgender-lawmaker-silenced/

Here's the gist, as I see it: patriarchy and ignorance are on the run...and those who traffic in either know it. They're losing their grip on power...and they know it. As is commonplace with the small-minded, unimaginative, and ignorant- they are resorting to playing dirty. 

This proud mom of a stunningly beautiful soul that is my beloved daughter, who happens to be a trans woman, has mentored many students who are trans and are seeking port in a wildly chaotic storm. Please know so many of us are in your corners. While politicians want to pretend "woke" is a four letter word, most of us know that welcoming all to the table with genuine love and respect in our hearts is the highest calling.

I have to believe this violent resistance to acceptance on the parts of the ignorant is what it portends to be- the final cries of a movement in its death throes. Stay strong, hang tough, and try to remember there are a huge number of us who see you, who believe in you, who will fight for you and stand up for you. 

You are beautiful, no matter what they say...words can't bring you down...tomorrow we might wake on the other side- Christine Aguilera

With affection,

The Author

Love the kid you've got, not the one you wish you had

Parents of LGBTQ kids, or any kids, even young adult kids,

I ask you to listen; to read and to consider:

In recent months, I've had the fortune and misfortunate of being a touchstone for kids whose parents are rejecting them.  I say "fortune" because it is an honor that they would come to me; I say "misfortune" because it saddens me to hear of their struggles with their parents.

Hindsight being what it is, Bulldog and I have looked back on our earlier parenting years (because parenting isn't ever over) and wondered at WHY we were so hard-assed and rigid on some things. We thought that whatever it was that we felt compelled to stand firm on was important...except it seldom was.  Lucky for us, our missteps were not huge enough that we drove our children away completely. We, luckily, didn't drive a wedge so deep that we cracked the relationships irreparably. Fortunately, in the end, love prevailed.

So many of these kids that come to me are not complaining of things like being grounded unfairly, or other such disciplinary issues; rather, they are expressing distress at simply not being accepted, or loved, or talked to.  Don't get me wrong: I know people, young people and our children especially, can be dramatic, irresponsible and unreasonable.  Yet, what these kids are sharing is that they wish they could simply talk to their parents or feel like their parents love them and accept them.

I remember a time when I thought, and Bulldog did too, that if we controlled certain things about our children, we could feel assured that they would be good people, productive people, happy people. But there are some problems with that: control is an illusion, for one. And if we really want to experience some control, the best way is to simply love them and accept them.

When they make choices that we think are silly or ridiculous, selecting a major in college that won't offer job security, picking a hair color that is unprofessional, choosing to not engage in sports because they'd rather pursue something else, dating "beneath" them, we shouldn't force them to our way of thinking. Not only will our forcing them NOT guarantee that their lives will be ok, but we are more likely guaranteeing the opposite; what they NEED from us more than anything is knowing that we love them, even when they choose poorly, or simply differently, than what we think is best.

When they reject some of our values, that doesn't mean they aren't establishing good values of their own.  It only becomes personal if we give them ultimatums: accept my religion or you lose my support as a parent, or accept my version of morality or lose my support as a parent, or accept my version of what is best for you or lose my support as a parent.  If we do that to our children, we hurt them and ourselves no matter how our children chose and here's why:

If they choose differently than what we desire, we lose them because of that damned ultimatum we gave them.  If they choose as we desire, we've still lost them in a way because our love and acceptance is obviously conditional and they know it on some level. The truce will be an uneasy one. On some level, they will understand that our love and acceptance apply as long as they live as we expect them to.  In other words, they may choose as we desire, but will believe that we do not love them unconditionally.  We may protest and claim we DO love unconditionally...except that our actions speak louder than our words.

We're lucky-or maybe we're not just lucky. We're close to all of our kids despite our really rough stretches. In then end, shutting up was one of the best things we did.  Not commenting on choices they made was one of the best things we did. Wanting to know the people that were important to them  was one of the best things we did. The hardest part was letting go of our expectations. Don't we all think that the harder we hold on to them the more likely we are to achieve them?  But that's a myth and we hurt ourselves and our loved ones, our beloved children, when we do that.  Let go of expectations and in the space that is left, just fill it with love-a text message, a phone call, a lunch date, a happy post on Facebook, a family dinner, a game night, a small gift, a small compliment.  The hard part is letting go; it's surprising how easy it is after that.

The next generation

While DJ's life continues to flourish, I've found myself in the company of young high school students-my students. I work in a high school where I've had the great good pleasure of finding that we have nothing to fear in this up and coming generation: they are far more accepting of others than any other generation that precedes them, I'd wager.

Interestingly, one of my students is trans. He has been transitioning for a little over a year, I believe. His mother is reluctant to let go of the person she thinks is her daughter and baits her son continuously, likely in an effort to convince him that he is a she.  For years, Bulldog and I wondered at how trans kids whose parents were not accepting managed. It's strange to be on the other side of that question. To see the near daily struggles my student experiences is gut-wrenching and truth be told, I know it could STILL be must worse for him, which is horrible to contemplate.  What I mean is that my student, at least, still has a home to return to; his parents don't beat him, to my knowledge. His dad supports him, but is also battling his own substance abuse issues which makes him far less emotionally available to his son. But he is not homeless and his mother, despite her struggles to accept him, tells him she loves him-for that, I personally, am thankful.

But this young man keeps hanging in there and he's shared with me that our class is a haven of sorts to him.  I was thinking about that this morning-how his classmates tend to circle the wagons around him and another student who is vulnerable due to his autism. I've watched these kids look out for each other and especially for their most vulnerable peers and it warms my heart. I am gratified at being able to witness the inner strength of this young man as he continues his transition and journey to personal peace and happiness; I am equally gratified to witness all that is right and wonderful in witnessing how his peers support him.  These young people give me hope!!

Trump doing a favor for Trans folks

Whoda thunk it was possible? Our orange haired commander in chief has somehow served to galvanize support IN FAVOR of trans people!!!

What this author finds particularly wonderful is that, of course, that was not his intention.  I had a suspicion that his antics would serve to boomerang, but truthfully, I never saw this coming.

This from the guardian.com:

There was also rare defiance from Republicans in Congress. Senator Orrin Hatch, up for re-election soon in Utah, hardly a liberal bastion, said: “I don’t think we should be discriminating against anyone. Transgender people are people, and deserve the best we can do for them.”

Orrin Hatch speaking in favor of transgender people?  Is it July? Is it snowing where you are 'cause it's a freaking blizzard outside my window in otherwise balmy Virginia.

Trump is being laughed at the world over (again, I know, it just keeps happening) for his wanting to ban trans folks from the US military. 

Canada's military mocks him:  http://www.huffingtonpost.ca/2017/07/26/canadian-armed-forces-takes-dig-at-trump-over-transgender-milita_a_23049738/

Bad asses from the Navy are speaking out:

http://www.cnn.com/2017/07/26/opinions/kristin-beck-on-trump-transgender-tweet-opinion/index.html


And other parts of the world show how, once again, America is far less progressive:

http://www.cnn.com/2017/07/27/us/world-transgender-ban-facts/index.html


This is all great news for trans folks and for those of us who include trans folks among our loved ones.  DJ is only a few years short of a decade since her official transition and I'm ecstatic about how the world is changing.  We ain't where we should be yet, but Trump is helping to pave the way!!

Thanks President Oompa Loompa  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ja8V8Mf4xLs