Change is a comin'

Some exciting and promising events have been taking place both personally, and in the news, that make me more and more hopeful for the happy futures of folks of all gender identities and sexual orientation, for that matter.  Let us consider the promising events of the past couple of years:

The Girl Scouts of America organization's statement that they will accept any child who professes to be and presents as a girl into their organization, with parental consent.

OWN-the Oprah Winfrey Network airs a documentary about Cher Bono and her transgender son, Chaz.

CNN airs a positive piece on a transgender female child whose parents are supportive, as is her community,  and her playmates.

WPATH, the World Professional Association for Transgender Health, has revised its Standards of Care so that its verbiage is more supportive than ever of transgender and gender queer individuals.

A prominent pop artist in England was successfully able to have gender confirmation surgery and her story was also televised on the abovementioned CNN special.  She was the youngest person in the world (age 16) to have the surgery indicating more surgeons' willingness to see that early interventions often lead to happier lives for transgender folks; this is excellent progress in light of the fact that most problems these folks have are anxiety and depressive issues secondary to non-acceptance in the world after years of living in the wrong body.

There are child welfare agencies in the federal government that are in tuned to this issue and have been educating themselves for the last couple of years, to my knowledge.  For all I know, they have been working toward the improvement of care for transgender children for far longer than that.

Doctors are increasingly understanding the importance of early intervention and authorizing more frequent use of puberty delaying hormones in children.  Since the effects are completely reversible, the doctors feel "safer" and it gives the child an opportunity to start living as the gender with which they identify. As a result, they may never have to go through the excruciating process of puberty in the wrong body.

While we have movements that want to "define" marriage, we have states that have legalized same sex marriages.  There are many of us straight folks who stand behind homosexual families who want the same legal rights and financial protections that the rest of us enjoy.

Repeal of "Don't Ask, Don't Tell."  All I can say is, "Finally.  Alleluia and Amen."

We have more and more local governments and employers who are adding verbiage to their guidelines stating that discrimination based on a person's orientation or gender is unlawful.

Then I have boatloads of anecdotal information that illustrates that this world is changing.  No, we are not there yet.  But if we want to be able to get out of bed in the morning, we have to be able to see that there is hope whether we are the transgender individual, or the parents, family or friends of a person who is transgendered.  You brave folks who are carrying the torch-I thank you and applaud your courage.  To quote Lady Gaga, not only were you born this way, but you were born to be brave and as a result, can teach the rest of us schmoes how to accept folks of all walks of life.

But it's not  your job to teach us.  You must simply be true to yourself in the way that works best for you.  

There are a lot of us "mainstream" folks who are in your corner.  Change is a comin';  granted, perhaps  not fast enough, but it's happening.  Keep the faith.

Why mouthy lawyers should just shut up

Three cheers for the Colorado Girl Scouts of America organization!!!!  They welcomed a child who identifies as a female, but with XY chromosomes, to join their organization.  Unfortunately, the organization has not received word back from the child's mother if the child is still interested since her first attempt at joining was denied by a local troop.  Nonetheless, a nationally recognized organization has openly, and publicly stated that in effect, they will not make a habit of checking a child's underwear before admitting them to their organization, but rather will allow any child who feels AND PRESENTS as a girl to join their organization.  

Now, according to Judith Reisman, an attorney at Liberty University School of Law, well, see below:

"To cross that line "is child sexual abuse, the violation of children's genetic reality aided by a society that is reverting back to the dark," said Judith A. Reisman, visiting professor of law at Liberty University School of Law.

"If he has male parts, he is a male," she said."

Read more: http://www.news.com.au/world/transgender-boy-allowed-to-join-girl-scouts/story-e6frfkyi-1226180167445#ixzz1cAcqTFMl


Now, how does Ms. Reisman propose that we confirm gender to be sure we're not allowing the wrong folks in?  Go ahead Ms. Reisman, check a child's drawers for their "parts" and let's see how long you remain in your profession, or free on the streets of America rather than behind bars, at the bottom of the jailbird pecking order.  And really, if someone is so concerned with a child's genitals and whether or not they are accurately represented by their outer attire, perhaps that is exactly where a person like that belongs.  


Not that Liberty University School of Law are touted experts in psychology, gender identity, pediatrics, or human sexuality. The School of Law is just that-an institution that prepares folks to study and practice the law.  And last time I checked, gender discrimination and checking the parts of children were both unlawful activities in most parts of the country.


Ms. Reisman, I wonder what you think of folks whose genitalia are ambiguous.  How about soldiers who lose their male parts during war-do they cease to become male?  A female relative had elective surgery to remove her ovaries and uterus to save herself from the ravages of cancer-is she now genderless?   Well guess what Ms. Reisman, experts in human anatomy, and physiology (that's the study of human "parts" for any attorney who is not familiar with the terms) are well versed in conditions where gender is NOT clearly defined just by holding up a puppy's tail and looking to see if something is hanging there, or not. Yup, that's right, there's a condition where one's genes indicate one's gender, but the external genitalia does not agree, or the exterior does agree, but the internal organs don't.  There are multiple variations of this condition which is usually caused by Congenital Adrenal Hyperplasia.  And PLEASE do not throw out the stupid hermaphrodite word as it is rife with sordid connotation when in fact, it's merely a medical condition.  


For heaven's sake, when folks are born without appendages, or have misdirected circulation in their hearts, or have cleft palates, no one tries to turn their genetic condition into a definition of WHO they are.  But people get so FREAKED out about genitals, particularly those who like to mix academia with the zealous pursuit of theocracy; they have to make anything other than the binary system of gender and sexuality an aberration of nature, when in fact, it ISN'T!


Please Ms. Reisman, educate yourself on things like, oh, I don't know, genetics, normal human behavior, pediatric psychology, anatomy and physiology, pathology, culture, human sexuality, the views of the American Medical Association,  or better yet, use your law degree for something useful like, hmmm, practicing law rather than wasting it with pontificating.  While Liberty University may advocate frequent perusal of the Bible, I hope as a law professor that you cite other references before you make such broad, sweeping, ignorant, uninformed, unethical  and ridiculous statements.


Can you tell I'm pissed?

Adventures on the playground

It's been a tough week and DJ has accidentally crossed into the line of fire.  However, in the most recent fallout, any injury she incurred was a result of her deliberately tripping into the minefield.

Last night, fair or unfair, I made a remark about all my kids being "high maintenance."  OK-I was being melodramatic. I was frustrated at my young adult children's propensity to not be problem solvers and to need direction. Yeah, yeah, I know, they're acting like typical young adults that are grasping the monkey bar behind them marked "childhood" while grasping the monkey bar in front of them marked, "adulthood."  They do not swing forward, or back because they are holding onto both bars at the same time.  Typical, expected, I KNOW.  But I had a moment, or a series of moments, of frustration.  Geez, I'm not even close to perfect.

Today, more of the same as yesterday.  Not yelling or screaming, just helping one kid over a big hump.  I've made multiple trips into town for various reasons and now it's time to pick DJ up from school and head over to the Driver's Ed place so she can take her final test. Except, I start heading home accidentally and am about to make a U-turn when DJ informs me I need to go home anyway because she needs to take her medicine.

I won't go into the particulars, but she tried to blame me for not thinking of bringing it with me when I went to pick her up after school. Then she tried to blame Bulldog because she mentioned it to him yesterday and after all, in her opinion, he should have communicated that to me.  Of course, she will not accept that saying something to me on the ride to school this morning would have been advised.  So, I have another moment.  Please don't think I screamed at DJ, I didn't but I was clearly upset and she told me I was being an "ass."  An ass?  Seriously?  OK, even if it's true, what happened to children being seen and not heard?  Yeah, yeah, it went the way of the "sparing the rod" ideology.

So I respond something to the effect of, "It's your body" and continue with if she can't take care of her needs that it is ultimately her problem, which she somehow reads as my threatening to deny her her date with the surgeon next year.  NOW who is being melodramatic?

Can you imagine a mother who would ground her child from her gender reassignment surgery?  She would be grounded for a year!!  That's how long it can take to get a surgery date.  This was never on my parent radar.  It's not like Parent magazine discusses how to parent your teenager, or your young adult child;  forget addressing the challenges that might be unique to parents of transgender kids. There are articles, ad infinitum, about getting your kid to sleep through the night or toilet training, but nothing to my knowledge that comes close to this realm.

Oh, it's ok.  We figured it out even without the assistance of a periodical.  We will not be rewarding behavior by handing out hormone pills like they're tokens, nor will we withhold them when DJ trips up.  We'll just keep reminding her to be responsible, just like we do for our other two almost grown-up kids.  Different words being exchanged, perhaps, but the same argument or challenge underneath:  encouraging them to let go of the bar behind them so they can reach out to grab the next bar in front.   

The pain of letting go

How to pull myself out of the doldrums?  I feel like utter crap because DJ's brother is going through a hard time.  So while today's entry isn't pertinent solely to the issue of transgenderism, it is pertinent to raising kids, teenagers and young adults.  More than that, I think it may be my therapy.

"Oh, it's so much worse when they're older," a friend of mine remarked to me 10 years ago back when a tube of Clearasil was not yet a required product in our household.  I couldn't fathom it.  "You can't fix it anymore," she continued, "when they're little, mommy can make anything better."  OMG-was she ever right.

Not to diminish the hardships of raising children who throw tantrums in the mall or who just can't get the hang of potty training-that too is a tough row to hoe.  But this is a marrow deep ache that I feel everywhere and there isn't a thing I can do to help my son.  He must figure these things out on his own.  In spite of how much I want to text him and check up on him, I've managed to only do it once in the last hour, and am currently fighting the urge to do it again.

But he sounded so upset when we spoke over an hour ago.  He's learning to live in the adult world and the last couple of months have been tough.  He doesn't have the hang of it yet:  the ability to manage his time or money well, the ability to say "no" when it will save him stress, the ability to withstand chronic stress and deadlines, and the ability to bounce back well from failure.  Did I not teach him well?  Will he figure it out on his own?  And what the heck will I do when even greater heartaches come his way?

Letting go-truly the hardest thing in the world about being a parent.  Holding on tight-I can do that all the live long day, well into the night, and right into the next day-no sweat.  I know what I'm doing when it comes to holding on:  I cuddle, I comfort, I fix, I instruct, I make the hurt recede, I bolster confidence and help them to their feet again. But this letting go thing-it requires doing so much less, but is so much more demanding of my heart.  I don't know how to do it well and doubt I ever will.  Maybe that's just as well since to become good at it means I may have to lose some empathy in the process, I suspect.  Knowing that my empathy makes me suck at letting go brings me little comfort at the moment, however.  It just hurts.  Period.

I don't know if I can go through this again.  Especially with DJ.  I can't believe I'm going to say this, but I think seeing my darling girl go through these young adult growing pains may even be harder than watching my darling boys go through it ; and  navigating romance as a transgender person may involve even more challenges than for those whose minds and bodies agree; I don't even want to contemplate seeing her go through kissing a bunch of frogs until she finds her perfect prince or princess. It's too much for a mother to bear-or at least for this mother.

But in the end, good mothers have  to bear it, right? We have to find a way to bear it, somehow.  So I will close with another remembrance of my father in one of his few tender moments, when I cried, "I thought this would get easier."  What he said as he hugged me was, "It doesn't."  What he didn't say, but I could feel in his hug was, "But you'll get through it."  Since I can't hold onto my kid right now, I'll hold onto that.

A Jane Austen perspective

Am I sounding like Mary Poppins in this blog?  I wonder how the readers in Russia and Poland will react-"Mary Poppins?....huh?"  I feel as if I should apologize to my transgender readers if I make this issue sound like sunshine and roses because I know it's not.  And perhaps I assume that if something works for me, it will work for everyone.  Bulldog has pointed out to me that I seem to think I know everything and I know he's onto something.  And I know Flying Pig has gently informed me that sometimes I can sound patronizing so I worry that I may risk alienating readers with my rose colored glasses perspective.

I guess it's hard to comprehend, considering how I'm telling the e-world, and apparently, my family how to fit into this world, that actually, I consider myself one of the duller knives in the drawer.  The way I figure it is, if I can figure some things out, than most people are probably capable.  But if it took me 20 years to stumble across some truth, perhaps I can save someone else the trouble, grief and time. Maybe it's the annoying caretaker in me, truthfully, I don't know, but I've suffered enough missteps and failures in my life, witnessed as the strong disregard the strong-but-challenged-in-some-way by not turning to lend a helping hand, that I just can't be a party to it; if I feel like I'm on to something, I have a duty to share.  After all, people can simply not tune in or click on the "x" on their screen if they think I'm full of baloney.

This world rewards the folks who appear to be able to do it all.  The magazines have mother-of-the-year awards, but they are reserved for the moms who are great moms AND volunteer for 10 agencies, or work outside the home as corporate executives for non-profits.  Who are these people?  I don't know anyone like this.  To quote Miss Eliza Bennet in Pride and Prejudice, in defense of women who are not "accomplished" by 19th century standards (or today's standards for that matter) "I am no longer surprised at your knowing only six accomplished women. I rather wonder now at your knowing any."

THAT is precisely why I started this blog.  It's complete and utter bull$--- that the rest of us who don't conform with the Joneses are somewhat less than.  I huddled in my inferiority complex for a good decade before I even glimpsed of the possibility of celebrating my weaknesses and strengths and why?  Partly because I bought into this notion of self-sufficiency that is inherent in America.  I'm all for independence, don't get me wrong, but not a single thing has been accomplished by one person alone, ever, I don't think.  But some people are much better at giving the impression that they've got it all figured out and that the rest of us are a bunch of dull butter knives.  We all know this is just a form of one-upsmenship (the one time where I don't want a female or genderless equivalent of a word) designed to make the person who proposes their superiority feel, well, superior, yet we buy into all the time and we try to do more, be more, just to feel worthy.

I thank GOD for my kids and my husband.  All 4 of them simultaneously make me feel important AND illustrate where I need to grow.  My transgender daughter, DJ, has highlighted that quality more than anyone simply because her reality has been one that has been closeted for centuries, at least in American and Judeo-Christian societies.  She challenges me to be a truer, better person all the blessed time.  Not that she does it knowingly, which is what makes her even more special, as a person. So, as a family, we're succeeding in this challenge of helping her successfully transition.  Being on the "can I lend you a helping hand?" side of the team, in this instance, means that I should, and want to help those who are on the, "hey, can you lend me a hand?" side of the team.  I have definitely been on that side....in my line of work, being old and small, that's the side of the team I often inhabit.  Which is probably why I feel like I must offer support, help, ideas, and cyber love to those on the other side of the team.  I just can't say, "Yeah, well I got mine.  Sucks to be you."

So, if I tend to sound know-it-all, I ask your forgiveness and understanding.  I just want to pass on some of our insights, failures, successes, feelings, observations, experiences and anything else that I think, and hope, will make others in our boat, or even those in some other boats, feel less alone in this journey.  At work, they call this propensity of mine, "mom-ing" as in, "You're mom-ing all over him again."  They know I mean well, even if I am occasionally annoying;  I hope you do too.

Screw Hercules

I'm supposed to be painting my guest room right now.  The paint and supplies were purchased over a month ago, and yet I still stall.  I'm attempting a new technique and am worried it won't turn out right.  Not to mention, the sheer work of taping, cutting in, rolling, moving furniture....you know the grind unless you're wealthy and always pay someone to do your mundane tasks.

So, here's what I'm going to do to make it seem less daunting:  I'm going to do it in stages. Literally, one wall at a time.  Yes, this may be less efficient; I may be doubling my efforts and doubling the time to complete the task, but at least I'm getting it done.  This room was initially Romeo's room, and then became Goodwrench's room.  Both boys loved the cave-like dark colors with tribal themes, so I'll have to go over the slightly green tinged chocolate colored walls at least once with primer before I can hope that the lovely cafe au lait color I've chosen to replace the newborn-poo color will look like it does on the paint chip.  And since everything needs to be repainted-the trim and the walls-I will literally do one wall, in its entirety, at a time.

What the heck is this piece doing on a transgender blog?  Now, granted, this is a stretch and is partly because I'm stalling on beginning to paint, but does anyone else see the parallel here? Probably not because it's pretty darn obscure.  But I'm changing my room completely.  I'm worried that the end result won't be what I hoped. I know it will be an uphill climb getting there, yet the end result will hopefully be worth it....are you with me yet?  Is my room not going through a transition?

OK-I do not mean to offend anyone with the triteness of my analogy, but there's something here worth thinking about.  Granted, I'm not the one who is transitioning, DJ is.  So I really can't speak to the reality of what that process is like, personally.  But being the mother of a dependent child who is dealing with that reality daily is probably as close as another person can get to the real deal, so maybe I am onto something.

Are you considering transitioning?  Is a loved one considering the process?  Is it overwhelming, frightening, daunting?  Have you considered taking it one step at a time?  Granted, some folks, no matter what we're talking about, will do the whole shebang in one fell swoop.    More power to them if that's how they want to approach it, but if that is not your cup of tea, you are not a lesser person for it.  Give yourself permission to do it in stages.  Either cut your hair or grow it out, for now.  Tweeze your eyebrows, or stop doing it.  Too intimidated to jump into the dress or tie a windsor knot, how about some khakis and a white shirt for work?  Or jeans and a t-shirt for school.  You can go so middle of the road with either.

If baby steps are all you're comfortable with, that's ok.  There is no finish line with a person holding a timeclock.   Maybe some slight changes are just what you need to get the ball rolling.  You follow through with the small changes, you maybe make some slight waves, but FEEL so much better about yourself that you sense a molehill of self-confidance growing. Maybe at this point, you'll be ready to inform some folks about your changes and from there, you can continue to move forward.  Maybe those changes alone will make you feel comfortable enough in your skin to be happy in your life.

Transgender folks are no more either/or than anyone else, right?  You don't HAVE to do hormones, or surgery if you don't want to.  And even if you DO want to, who is to say it has to be done post haste?  Some of us think that many things in life are an all or nothing proposition.  To break anything down in baby steps seems a cop-out, to those folks who are really "goal oriented".  Or, it just doesn't even register on the radar of possibility to NOT do something in one fell swoop.  I was one of those until my father, God rest him, showed me another possibility.

Granted, this man was the one who initially taught me that you finish what you start, no stalling, get the job done, chop-chop.  But, in his middle age, he clearly learned something that he chose to impart to me, thank goodness.  I was a newly single mother after my first husband died leaving me with three children ages 9, 7 and 3.  It was summertime and I was with the kids 24/7.  Grocery shopping was sheer drudgery and I felt overwhelmed.  My father came to see me and noted that my pantry was nearly empty.  He severely chastised me initially until I told him how overwhelmed I felt at the prospect of grocery shopping-it took me two hours to do the task and the kids were swinging from the chandeliers long before the job could be completed. Up until that point, I shopped every two weeks.  My father pointed out that I could shop for a few days worth of food at a time instead.  Make the trips short and manageable.  I truly had never thought of it nor given myself permission to do something like that.  I had to be Herculean in my efficiency, instead.  This perspective, breaking it down into small manageable steps was a gift.  It made all the difference in the world.

Look at the history of humanity-most dramatic changes started with small murmurs of discontent.  Most  revolutions started with someone sticking their big toe in the water to see how it felt.  And they told someone else how the water felt fine, and the message spread from there.  Nothing wrong with you trying the same method in your personal life.  If an overnight transition is too daunting, give yourself permission to slow down.  Give yourself this gift of small moves.  You deserve it.

Vindication from the psychiatric world

Hallelujah!!  WPATH, the World Professional Association for Transgender Health has updated it's Standards of Care.  This is fantastic news for transgender folk!  It seems that there is a positive trend similar to that of homosexuals 30 years ago where the psychiatric community is recognizing that these folks, like their homosexual peers before them, are not nuts.  They aren't psychotic, nor are they neurotic.  In fact, the exact verbiage on p. 4 states:

“the expression of gender characteristics, including identities, that are not stereotypically associated with one’s assigned sex at birth is a common and culturally-diverse human phenomenon [that] should not be judged as inherently pathological or negative.”

Yeah, like we didn't already know that.  Sarcasm aside, this opens doors.  This is exciting news because if it's not viewed as a pathology and can be construed as a medical condition, that recognition may lead to more insurance companies covering treatment, i.e. hormones, at the least.


Additionally, the wording states that instead of therapists and psychiatrists acting as "gatekeepers" they should, rather, be in a supportive role while the patient works toward making decisions about how they want to address the mismatch between mind and body.  Granted, the really good therapists already knew that, but for those who maybe wanted to help and get into this field, now they have the "safety net" in the updated Standards of Care.  Most healthcare professionals don't like to deviate from the guidelines because that has the potential for making them more vulnerable to lawsuit.


Isn't vindication grand?  But there is much more than I have let on.  If you're a transgendered person or love someone who is, please check out the updated WPATH Standards of Care at the address below.  Somehow, seeing the vindication in black and white inspires hope in DJ, Bulldog and me.  I hope it will inspire hope in you, as well.


http://www.wpath.org