DJ is quite happy in the choices of classes she's currently taking. She's decided to pursue a degree in physics which will require her transferring to a four year college on completion of her associate's degree from a local community college.
This local community college is actually a town over from where we live. There's another one even a bit further away, but that would require travel into the "big city" which she doesn't relish. Last semester, she crossed paths with former high school classmates, and it completely unnerved her and she dropped the class. We completely supported that decision, and, in fact, encouraged her to reconsider the drive into the "big city"; especially since it's not actually a big city, just an incredibly congested suburb of a big city. She really likes her community college and looked forward to taking continued classes with some of her professors and elected to stay the course.
This semester, she shares a single class with a single former classmate from high school. In fact, she's known this kid since she was a small child. This young man knew DJ as JD from ages 6-14. She said she initially tried to avoid him, but ended up being assigned to his group the first day. After some slight awkwardness, they apparently got on quite well. "He's different now," she says. He's determined to make good grades, and is dedicated to school. Keep in mind, this kid was never mean spirited to her, so I shouldn't be wary......but.....well, I still am.
She can be too trusting-or Bulldog and I fear that. We worry that somehow her old life will bleed into this new one that has, with great care, been created. She's worked hard to create this new life that encompasses her true self, as have we. It makes me nervous, having these two lives touching like this. I remember the pain and the fear that we all experienced when she first came out. She really thought all those friends would accept. They could accept the theory, but couldn't get past the new girl in the dress. When they couldn't, it sent her into a spiral and us too. It took a year and a half to climb out of that pit. I don't want her, or us, to go back.
I try to remember that she has matured and has truly grown into herself which makes her less vulnerable....the realization brings some comfort but I'm still edgy. I will keep this to myself, however, or only share with Bulldog, but not with DJ. I've expressed my opinion about exercising caution when extending trust to people-which is true for all of us. I made it a short, 2 minute conversation. I am bound and determined to not be worrisome in a way that she'll see, but man, does this make me
nervous!!!
I'm curious-other parents out there, or any transgender folks who care to comment-is the climate changing out there? It seems so, in the media, anyhow. But what is it like in the schools and the neighborhoods? Are the younger kids who transition more accepted than the older ones? Does age have any bearing? I hope someone will chime in. I think there are some parents who might like to network. I know I would be happy to be part of such a network.
This local community college is actually a town over from where we live. There's another one even a bit further away, but that would require travel into the "big city" which she doesn't relish. Last semester, she crossed paths with former high school classmates, and it completely unnerved her and she dropped the class. We completely supported that decision, and, in fact, encouraged her to reconsider the drive into the "big city"; especially since it's not actually a big city, just an incredibly congested suburb of a big city. She really likes her community college and looked forward to taking continued classes with some of her professors and elected to stay the course.
This semester, she shares a single class with a single former classmate from high school. In fact, she's known this kid since she was a small child. This young man knew DJ as JD from ages 6-14. She said she initially tried to avoid him, but ended up being assigned to his group the first day. After some slight awkwardness, they apparently got on quite well. "He's different now," she says. He's determined to make good grades, and is dedicated to school. Keep in mind, this kid was never mean spirited to her, so I shouldn't be wary......but.....well, I still am.
She can be too trusting-or Bulldog and I fear that. We worry that somehow her old life will bleed into this new one that has, with great care, been created. She's worked hard to create this new life that encompasses her true self, as have we. It makes me nervous, having these two lives touching like this. I remember the pain and the fear that we all experienced when she first came out. She really thought all those friends would accept. They could accept the theory, but couldn't get past the new girl in the dress. When they couldn't, it sent her into a spiral and us too. It took a year and a half to climb out of that pit. I don't want her, or us, to go back.
I try to remember that she has matured and has truly grown into herself which makes her less vulnerable....the realization brings some comfort but I'm still edgy. I will keep this to myself, however, or only share with Bulldog, but not with DJ. I've expressed my opinion about exercising caution when extending trust to people-which is true for all of us. I made it a short, 2 minute conversation. I am bound and determined to not be worrisome in a way that she'll see, but man, does this make me
nervous!!!
I'm curious-other parents out there, or any transgender folks who care to comment-is the climate changing out there? It seems so, in the media, anyhow. But what is it like in the schools and the neighborhoods? Are the younger kids who transition more accepted than the older ones? Does age have any bearing? I hope someone will chime in. I think there are some parents who might like to network. I know I would be happy to be part of such a network.
It is poison! Don't go there. EVER!!!
ReplyDeleteThat comes from a quiet young woman with a lovely boyfriend who's family loves her, who've gone into buisness together, and who are planning a family someday.
I've said before, once it's out, it can't be put back in.
Follow your gut, it's correct by the sound of things.
Further, manny loves her (I suspect anyway) encourage her not to ignore that (I have) if you believe he's a good kid(?)
I hope you're well.
Also, you still have my email if you want a sounding board.
ReplyDeleteWe are just beginning our journey. We had our first moment in a store in which we ran into parents of my son's friend. They know and they are not accepting. The father said Hi and kept on walking, the mother never looked up. Saw them again in the store and they did their best to not look at us. It was heartbreaking. It made me angry and sad at the same time.
ReplyDeleteBut then there is a friend of his who has fully accepted him and her parents have been so supportive. They have been wonderful.
Hang in there Anonymous. I know it's hard. How did your son do when you ran into the parents? That is the toughest part. If he was there when this happened, try to imagine how he feels KNOWING you are there for him. That is some priceless stuff. And yes, you have a right to feel angry AND sad because it is both maddening and heartbreaking. Don't you just want to shake those people and tell them, "My kid is fantastic! Don't judge!!" Peppered with some four letter words, perhaps? Blessings to the supportive friend and her parents and to you for finding who your true friends are. I tried to remember that when I felt low-the people who supported DJ and us were fiercely supportive. The depth of their protectiveness made up for some of the jerks who were just too small minded and whose hearts were too small to overcome their unnecessary fears. Also, keep in mind that there are transgender folks who are reading your comments and know of your struggles and are CHEERING for you for supporting your kid and are CHEERING for him for having the courage to be his true self. XOXOXOXO to you and your family. Please keep in touch.
DeleteHe was not surprised. He keeps in touch with the friend and knew what the parents thought. His response to me when I voiced my shock to him about the parents reaction was "This is what I deal with everyday." (More heartbreak) Yes, I did want to yell. I wanted to question them. Why? What changed? My child did not suddenly turn evil. He's a good kid. A great kid. Why should he be treated different now? So far though, the supportive friends have outnumbered the negative responses. He has found supportive, protective friends at school. We just need to remember we have those supportive friends when we have those moments.
DeleteI'm so sorry-especially about the part, "This is what I deal with every day." I remember that well. My heart is with you, my friend. Have you involved the school officials? It's worth considering to offer your son extra support. PFLAG will actually come to your school to help educate them. We didn't go this route, but others who did have had a good experience. You've probably thought of all this-but does the school have a plan for your son using the restroom, changing for gym, that sort of thing? I'm here for you, my friend. Please email me at openarms2LGBT@gmail.com.
DeleteThe school has been pretty awesome. Not perfect, but willing to work and make adjustments. I did not know that PFLAG would come and educate, that is good to know.
ReplyDeleteI sent you an email. Thank you so much.