I had a long talk with Romeo this morning that has left me feeling a bit bummed. He had hoped for a more meaningful Christmas this year in light of the fact that his girlfriend Juliet would be joining us; he wanted to share our traditions so it would be special for her.
We don't have that many traditions due to a variety of reasons: it's hard to get all of us together at the same time, I work shift work, the last few years have been marked by illnesses in our extended families necessitating some changes in how and when we celebrate Christmas. So, when Romeo and Juliet arrived at our home midafternoon Christmas day, Romeo envisioned a leisurely afternoon of opening gifts. He didn't anticipate that others in the family were eager to get started opening gifts, or giving gifts, or that we would stop the process so that we could talk to beloved relatives via skype on the other side of the world, or that we miscommunicated when we would gather so that I hurried a haphazard dinner because it had already been in the oven for 2 hours. No, I guess Christmas didn't play out the way he planned, or the way I had planned either, but we all know what they say about the best laid plans.
Well, we obviously don't all know because Romeo doesn't understand that sometimes the best laid plans go awry; I guess on some level, neither do I, hence my guilt.
So, now I'm left feeling that I dropped the ball somehow. I know, I know, it's mother guilt and I shouldn't pay it too much heed, yet I can more successfully lay issues to rest if I think through them, which I will attempt to do here. If you don't mind, keep reading; if you do mind, there is a little "x" on your screen either on the top right or left of your screen (depending on whether you have a Mac or PC) that will help you escape my ruminating.
I so wish that every Christmas could be meaningful, heartfelt, and a source of real connection between family members. After celebrating 46 Christmases, I now know that it just isn't possible. I try, I really do, to find a way to make the day special, but I am not a mind-reader and even if I were, how could I, even with Bulldog's help, make Christmas what everyone wants it to be?
And how do I make Romeo understand that from this point forward, Christmas, no matter where or how he celebrates it, is what he makes of it? I'm so sad he is disappointed but I hope he can understand that so much of what we get out of something is based on what we put into it-our expectations, our ability to accept what others want and need out of the occasion, our ability to accept that times change and to accept the reality that if we can hope for and achieve a few moments of real connection with each other that we have succeeded in reaching each other and that can be enough.
Romeo is crossing the bridge from childhood to adulthood and he is feeling every tiring footstep of the journey. How do I tell him that so many of us miss those ethereal Christmases of our childhoods, where the whole day seemed endearing and full of meaning and magic? How do I show him that the reality is, that as adults, it's what we make of it. Some folks hit the nail on the head with their celebrations where the planets are all aligned, and Jupiter is in the 7th house, everything is timed perfectly, everyone is in the same frame of mind, and all the important people are in the same place at the same time and want to do the same things at the same time. We've had a few of those ourselves, but some years we miss the mark because life gets in the way. And I guess this year, we missed, at least in some aspects. But then again, there are 364 other days of the year to connect. Or that's how I've come to look at it. I hope he can understand and I hope for another chance next Christmas to enjoy a special day with family.
I'm not sure who I"m trying to convince here-him or me.
We don't have that many traditions due to a variety of reasons: it's hard to get all of us together at the same time, I work shift work, the last few years have been marked by illnesses in our extended families necessitating some changes in how and when we celebrate Christmas. So, when Romeo and Juliet arrived at our home midafternoon Christmas day, Romeo envisioned a leisurely afternoon of opening gifts. He didn't anticipate that others in the family were eager to get started opening gifts, or giving gifts, or that we would stop the process so that we could talk to beloved relatives via skype on the other side of the world, or that we miscommunicated when we would gather so that I hurried a haphazard dinner because it had already been in the oven for 2 hours. No, I guess Christmas didn't play out the way he planned, or the way I had planned either, but we all know what they say about the best laid plans.
Well, we obviously don't all know because Romeo doesn't understand that sometimes the best laid plans go awry; I guess on some level, neither do I, hence my guilt.
So, now I'm left feeling that I dropped the ball somehow. I know, I know, it's mother guilt and I shouldn't pay it too much heed, yet I can more successfully lay issues to rest if I think through them, which I will attempt to do here. If you don't mind, keep reading; if you do mind, there is a little "x" on your screen either on the top right or left of your screen (depending on whether you have a Mac or PC) that will help you escape my ruminating.
I so wish that every Christmas could be meaningful, heartfelt, and a source of real connection between family members. After celebrating 46 Christmases, I now know that it just isn't possible. I try, I really do, to find a way to make the day special, but I am not a mind-reader and even if I were, how could I, even with Bulldog's help, make Christmas what everyone wants it to be?
And how do I make Romeo understand that from this point forward, Christmas, no matter where or how he celebrates it, is what he makes of it? I'm so sad he is disappointed but I hope he can understand that so much of what we get out of something is based on what we put into it-our expectations, our ability to accept what others want and need out of the occasion, our ability to accept that times change and to accept the reality that if we can hope for and achieve a few moments of real connection with each other that we have succeeded in reaching each other and that can be enough.
Romeo is crossing the bridge from childhood to adulthood and he is feeling every tiring footstep of the journey. How do I tell him that so many of us miss those ethereal Christmases of our childhoods, where the whole day seemed endearing and full of meaning and magic? How do I show him that the reality is, that as adults, it's what we make of it. Some folks hit the nail on the head with their celebrations where the planets are all aligned, and Jupiter is in the 7th house, everything is timed perfectly, everyone is in the same frame of mind, and all the important people are in the same place at the same time and want to do the same things at the same time. We've had a few of those ourselves, but some years we miss the mark because life gets in the way. And I guess this year, we missed, at least in some aspects. But then again, there are 364 other days of the year to connect. Or that's how I've come to look at it. I hope he can understand and I hope for another chance next Christmas to enjoy a special day with family.
I'm not sure who I"m trying to convince here-him or me.
I will start by saying that this is not a comment on the above post but more general one. It's also misplaced as its not about R but about you, Bulldog and DJ.
ReplyDeleteI have just read your blog this morning and it's been read with much happiness and a degree of sadness. The sadness because I wish I had had the courage to say something to my parents as a teenager, as DJ has done.
The happiness? For the courage you have both shown to let you child show the world who she is and let her live her life the way she wants.
The pain of being T is something that never leaves, a constant in an ever changing world that can often suck the happiness out the brightest of days You are giving your daughter something that I hope all others similarly affected will all get in the future. The chance to leave the pain behind at an early age and just be the man or woman that they always should have been.
A truly wondrous gift.
Becca
Dear Becca, Thank you many times over. Your insight about the pain of being transgender is helpful. I was hoping to hear more from other transgender people and I am glad to hear from you. I wonder how your relationship is with your parents now. I hope you have a Happy New Year.
ReplyDeletePam
Simple answer is they don't know. We are here with them now, spending a few days before new year, and I am still living with this ever heavier secret.
ReplyDeleteWe are resolved to tell them this year but it's going to be so hard. On one level they might already know - I was caught a few times and I had so many troubled times growing up but less enlightened times, less enlightened parents, a less brave child and a total fear of rejection led to me carrying this burden alone for so long.
Your blog touched me in so many ways not least supportive parents and a brave daughter meaning that one less child has to child grow into adulthood hiding away and having to mould herself to societies expectations.
Happy New Year to you and your family. Light and life.
Becca
Come on Mom, it seems that you know how to be forgiving and understanding with your children, but not yourself. Ya need to back up and cut yourself some slack. YOU are not responsible for everything that goes wrong in your world (or your children's), and you are most certainly NOT responsible for what people choose to be disappointed in. My brother, sister, and I all grew up VERY poor - I wont hijack your blog by telling such a long story, but I will tell you that if your children had a warm home, good food, and family around them that loves them, then they really need to realize just how good that they have it.
ReplyDeleteI saw my grandmother a few weeks before she died, and she apologized to me, telling me how sorry she was that she couldn't give us more when we were children and living in her home. You should have seen the look on her face when I started laughing with tears streaming down my face. "Grandma, are you nuts??!! I look back on the time that we were all crowded into your home as the most wonderful time of my life. We were loved. We were taken care of. We were safe. My God, what else could you possibly have given us?!"
Just by reading your blog, I think I can safely say that your children are loved, that you take very good care of them, and that you provide well for them. You work 12 hour shifts and still did what you could to give them a proper Christmas - what more can they ask of you? What more can YOU of you?
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ReplyDelete