We've had a bit of a setback with DJ. It's gut wrenching. I don't know what happened, something at school, from the little she has conveyed. She has not been herself in weeks and has lost a scary amount of weight in a very short time.
Why can't she talk about it? This aspect of her personality-difficulty sharing feelings with others- could be the biggest obstacle of her life. Being transgender is a pretty big challenge in this non-accepting world, but if you can talk about how you feel, you can work through it. If you can't, you may pay for it in the end either through depression, isolation, feelings of despair, inability to eat, cutting, sadness, feeling suicidal, or the worst case scenario, acting on those suicidal feelings.
I want to blame myself, as most mothers might were they in my shoes. Why didn't I catch that she wasn't eating well? Why didn't I act when I saw she was moody? Well, I did catch both of them, but accepted her explanations. "I'm full" or "my stomach is upset" were her explanations when I asked why she was eating only half of her dinner. And since DJ just started two new medications both of which could lead to tiredness and one of which to moodiness, we chalked it up to that, as did she, when we asked.
I have to lay most of the responsibility for this at DJ's feet, unfortunately. We have discussed the importance of talking about her feelings of loss, sadness, isolation that are bound to be a by-product of her coming out, especially in light of the fact that she lost the circle of friends that had been an integral part of her life since she was about seven years of age. We asked questions about the friends, and she told us what she thought we wanted to hear. And truthfully, I'm not even certain that something about this loss is the precipitating event that has led to her recent setback because she ain't tellin'.
Then, I go back to blaming myself. Did we ask our questions the wrong way? Did we not ask frequently enough? Did our reactions to her responses somehow serve to prohibit her from sharing more with us?
And in true pendulum fashion, I swing back the other way again: We tried to stay in touch with how she's doing. We met with her therapist and shared our concerns, chief among them, our suspicion that DJ was acting more ok than she really was. But it's true, you can lead a horse to water, and you CANNOT make the horse drink.
The next and crucial step is to get DJ to see the graveness of her mistake in withholding her feelings. And to make her understand the importance of trusting her therapist, or us, or a trusted adult with her feelings. Otherwise, I am terrified of a domino effect that we won't be able to stop.
Please send prayers and thoughts of support our way. We all need them, especially DJ.
Why can't she talk about it? This aspect of her personality-difficulty sharing feelings with others- could be the biggest obstacle of her life. Being transgender is a pretty big challenge in this non-accepting world, but if you can talk about how you feel, you can work through it. If you can't, you may pay for it in the end either through depression, isolation, feelings of despair, inability to eat, cutting, sadness, feeling suicidal, or the worst case scenario, acting on those suicidal feelings.
I want to blame myself, as most mothers might were they in my shoes. Why didn't I catch that she wasn't eating well? Why didn't I act when I saw she was moody? Well, I did catch both of them, but accepted her explanations. "I'm full" or "my stomach is upset" were her explanations when I asked why she was eating only half of her dinner. And since DJ just started two new medications both of which could lead to tiredness and one of which to moodiness, we chalked it up to that, as did she, when we asked.
I have to lay most of the responsibility for this at DJ's feet, unfortunately. We have discussed the importance of talking about her feelings of loss, sadness, isolation that are bound to be a by-product of her coming out, especially in light of the fact that she lost the circle of friends that had been an integral part of her life since she was about seven years of age. We asked questions about the friends, and she told us what she thought we wanted to hear. And truthfully, I'm not even certain that something about this loss is the precipitating event that has led to her recent setback because she ain't tellin'.
Then, I go back to blaming myself. Did we ask our questions the wrong way? Did we not ask frequently enough? Did our reactions to her responses somehow serve to prohibit her from sharing more with us?
And in true pendulum fashion, I swing back the other way again: We tried to stay in touch with how she's doing. We met with her therapist and shared our concerns, chief among them, our suspicion that DJ was acting more ok than she really was. But it's true, you can lead a horse to water, and you CANNOT make the horse drink.
The next and crucial step is to get DJ to see the graveness of her mistake in withholding her feelings. And to make her understand the importance of trusting her therapist, or us, or a trusted adult with her feelings. Otherwise, I am terrified of a domino effect that we won't be able to stop.
Please send prayers and thoughts of support our way. We all need them, especially DJ.
For someone who has been raised as a guy for most of their life and been conditioned not to speak about feelings, or even admit they exist, I know how hard this can be. It's a daily struggle for myself, but it's getting easier every day. At least DJ's parents (You)are supportive. She is a very lucky girl. I've had no one all this time and had to figure out all this myself.
ReplyDeleteKeep at it. It seems like you have her best interests at heart and only want the best for her. Keep encouraging her, but let her come around in her own time. I know for me, it took a therapist to finally be able to open up.
Blazewing-thanks so much. I hadn't thought of it that way. She is so completely a girl to me that I forgot she had been raised, socialized, conditioned to NOT speak about her feelings for years before she came out and transitioned. Thanks for the insight. I wish you had had someone to lean on. XOXO
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