So, we are at an exceedingly awkward spot today. This evening DJ begins her driver's education, the classroom portion. When I spoke with the instructor he asked about her having a photo ID, or in lieu of that, a birth certificate. Great....another conversation where I get to "educate" someone.
Don't get me wrong, I will do anything at all for DJ, but, man, do I hate these conversations. So far, every time I've had one, it's gone well, but I still don't like it. Part of it is my make-up as a person-I intensely dislike awkward conversations of any kind because it puts me in the driver's seat (no pun intended) for managing the conversation. Why is that? Well, because I tend to have the lower threshold for awkwardness, I suppose, and so I work incredibly hard to have all my feelers at the ready so that I can manipulate or guide the conversation so that it remains civil, upbeat, positive, etc. Maybe I'm just neurotic, over-reactionary and plain old trying too hard. But there you have it, another idiosyncratic obstacle of mine that I have to heave myself over. But since it's for DJ, I'll do it. Thank goodness she provides me with inspiration because otherwise I might remain in any number of my innumerable ruts forever.
When I've had these conversations, I've found what works is for me to adopt a certain tone, if you will. I have to come across as absolutely confidant and convey to the person with whom I'm speaking that I naturally assume he or she will completely understand the situation and do his or her best to accommodate us. It's kind of a breezy quality that I don't have in my regular, everyday life. Maybe if I did, I'd be the president of something by now. But, in the spirit of remaining positive, at least I can say I'm able to fake it when necessary.
I've had this talk with her primary care physician, the office manager at the dental office, her guitar instructor, the principal of her school, other health care specialists who, believe it or not, are not necessarily well versed in the transgender condition in spite of it being a disorder that is recognized by the American Medical Association. I have a family member who is very, very educated, and even she had a thing or two to learn, by her own reckoning, not mine. Anyway, this "breezy" quality actually works.
I didn't come up with it. I'm neither that brilliant, nor that confidant. However, I do like to read a lot and that was a tip I picked up from somewhere (wish I could remember where). Oftentimes, the people with whom we share this information will subconsciously and inadvertently look to us, the speaker, the de facto educator, if you will, for cues on how to respond to our news, pronouncement, call it what you want. If we act like it's a big hairy deal, or something to be ashamed of, or embarrassed about, they will respond accordingly. We all tend to sort of mirror each other like that, which is one of humanity's finer qualities, in my opinion, since it is a form of empathy. So, if I were to say, "Look, I'm really sorry, but my son is now a daughter," with a tone of exasperation, the listener may be likely to respond with a supportive-of-my-exasperation comment of, "I'm so sorry Mrs. ----. Of course we will try to make this easier for both of you." Which might mean that they'll be nice to me, but continue to treat her like a him.
But, when I say something like, "I know our child has been coming to guitar lessons as "JD" but he is actually a she. She has a gender identity disorder called Gender Dysphoria-the classic girl stuck in a boy's body scenario. So, we are supporting her and just wanted to let you know that she goes by "DJ" now and will be presenting as DJ. We don't expect people to understand her condition, only to treat her respectfully by calling her by her name and using the correct pronoun. But please don't worry if you slip up, because what DJ, or we, care about is that you try." And the trick is to sound as if you assume they will have no problem with accommodating your request. Either they will be happy to do so because they think of themselves as cooperative, caring and educated people and want to convey that to you, or they will react completely inappropriately, at which point you sever the relationship.
Man, I made that sound so simple. Well, it's not easy to do, but it is truly that simple. Now, I just need to remember that because I've got a phone call to make to the driver's ed people. Wish me luck :)
Don't get me wrong, I will do anything at all for DJ, but, man, do I hate these conversations. So far, every time I've had one, it's gone well, but I still don't like it. Part of it is my make-up as a person-I intensely dislike awkward conversations of any kind because it puts me in the driver's seat (no pun intended) for managing the conversation. Why is that? Well, because I tend to have the lower threshold for awkwardness, I suppose, and so I work incredibly hard to have all my feelers at the ready so that I can manipulate or guide the conversation so that it remains civil, upbeat, positive, etc. Maybe I'm just neurotic, over-reactionary and plain old trying too hard. But there you have it, another idiosyncratic obstacle of mine that I have to heave myself over. But since it's for DJ, I'll do it. Thank goodness she provides me with inspiration because otherwise I might remain in any number of my innumerable ruts forever.
When I've had these conversations, I've found what works is for me to adopt a certain tone, if you will. I have to come across as absolutely confidant and convey to the person with whom I'm speaking that I naturally assume he or she will completely understand the situation and do his or her best to accommodate us. It's kind of a breezy quality that I don't have in my regular, everyday life. Maybe if I did, I'd be the president of something by now. But, in the spirit of remaining positive, at least I can say I'm able to fake it when necessary.
I've had this talk with her primary care physician, the office manager at the dental office, her guitar instructor, the principal of her school, other health care specialists who, believe it or not, are not necessarily well versed in the transgender condition in spite of it being a disorder that is recognized by the American Medical Association. I have a family member who is very, very educated, and even she had a thing or two to learn, by her own reckoning, not mine. Anyway, this "breezy" quality actually works.
I didn't come up with it. I'm neither that brilliant, nor that confidant. However, I do like to read a lot and that was a tip I picked up from somewhere (wish I could remember where). Oftentimes, the people with whom we share this information will subconsciously and inadvertently look to us, the speaker, the de facto educator, if you will, for cues on how to respond to our news, pronouncement, call it what you want. If we act like it's a big hairy deal, or something to be ashamed of, or embarrassed about, they will respond accordingly. We all tend to sort of mirror each other like that, which is one of humanity's finer qualities, in my opinion, since it is a form of empathy. So, if I were to say, "Look, I'm really sorry, but my son is now a daughter," with a tone of exasperation, the listener may be likely to respond with a supportive-of-my-exasperation comment of, "I'm so sorry Mrs. ----. Of course we will try to make this easier for both of you." Which might mean that they'll be nice to me, but continue to treat her like a him.
But, when I say something like, "I know our child has been coming to guitar lessons as "JD" but he is actually a she. She has a gender identity disorder called Gender Dysphoria-the classic girl stuck in a boy's body scenario. So, we are supporting her and just wanted to let you know that she goes by "DJ" now and will be presenting as DJ. We don't expect people to understand her condition, only to treat her respectfully by calling her by her name and using the correct pronoun. But please don't worry if you slip up, because what DJ, or we, care about is that you try." And the trick is to sound as if you assume they will have no problem with accommodating your request. Either they will be happy to do so because they think of themselves as cooperative, caring and educated people and want to convey that to you, or they will react completely inappropriately, at which point you sever the relationship.
Man, I made that sound so simple. Well, it's not easy to do, but it is truly that simple. Now, I just need to remember that because I've got a phone call to make to the driver's ed people. Wish me luck :)
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