Earlier today we had our discussion about hair, suppressing identity, etc. I guess I've been ruminating on it because I've been revisiting those first weeks when JD first started transforming to DJ, physically. And here is another challenge for the trans person and the people who financially support the person: obtaining a new wardrobe, new grooming supplies, in our case, make-up, perhaps different room decor. What if your finances are exceedingly tight? That is a helluva challenge. Thrift stores may be a great place to start.
She was like a racehorse: she'd cleared the gate and was ready to gallop forward into her new life at breakneck speed. It's not so easy. We couldn't let DJ go to school as DJ. Everyone knew her as her male self, JD. But harder than that-were WE ready to see JD as DJ? And then we felt guilty about our selfish regard for our own feelings....it's a vicious cycle.
OK-the argument can easily be made that it's not all about us. Of course, we get that now, but getting it then was not as easy. Interestingly, it was harder for Bulldog than for me. But this is a common phenomena: the parent that has the same gender that the child was born with tends to have a tougher time making the adjustment to the "new" gender presentation. Look at Cher and her son Chaz. If you watch the OWN network, you'll see the documentary. Cher's reaction and Bulldog's reaction are pretty commonplace, we know NOW. But in the first few days and first few weeks, you suddenly learn that adjustment is a process that can differ widely from person to person.
Bulldog, as stated in previous blogs, was raw- ready to support DJ- but raw and unsure how. Or unsure if he was capable, in the end, of being able to really give her what she needed-freedom to be who she was; to dress and act like a girl. We agreed that her room was a perfect place to start. Bulldog was happy to help paint giant pink polka dots on her walls, but he just couldn't bring himself to see DJ wearing pink. And then, for some reason, when I added some giant daisies to a vase on her bedside table, it made him teary eyed again.
What was my reaction to his reaction? Mixed. I felt for him, I did, but it was incredibly clear to me (I don't know how-mother's instinct maybe?) that we MUST let her move forward as much as we possibly could. We MUST push the envelope and STRETCH our comfort zones or risk losing our kid, emotionally, or worse. I was ready to fight ruthlessly with him for it, but knew that would not serve anyone well. And to Bulldog's credit, at least the first week or two, because he was so raw, it was easy to get through to him. So we were able to make other subtle changes that helped DJ feel more like herself, but weren't terribly obvious.
Such as-tweezing the eyebrows. Just enough to clean them up and slightly feminize. Bulldog could definitely deal with that. What we thought of as "neutral" clothing followed. Nail polish on weekends, as long as it was a light, barely there, shade. It was a tough balancing act for me because I felt like the mediator trying to find balance between what DJ needed-presenting as a girl, and what Bulldog needed-NOT seeing a complete transformation yet.
But in short order, DJ started to slide a bit. She became withdrawn on Monday mornings and it increased through the week. She REALLY thought when she came out to us that the next day her new life would begin IN EARNEST. And even on weekends, it's not like she could put on a dress. I thought I could be ready for that, but Bulldog had indicated that he was in no way ready for that.
So what changed that? First, I shared with Bulldog that DJ had been painting her toenails and nails with crayons and magic marker at night and washing it off in the morning. Which just sounds freaking tragic and sad, now, and it certainly did then. It struck Bulldog as incredibly sad also, and he relented to nailpolish of any hue on her toes. Then, DJ and I took a weekend trip to the beach where she could be her true self the entire time. We stopped at a shop and I guided her toward "neutral" t-shirts to please Bulldog. Then I saw a fabulous sundress for myself. I bought it and could not bring myself to wear it. It didn't seem fair for me to be able to dress up if she couldn't. It was literally hurting me, so I could clearly imagine how it hurt her.
I told Bulldog about my inability to wear a dress and he GOT it. I ran out and grabbed a couple of cute, sundresses at Target and showed him first, again, so the initial shock could take place privately. When she saw what was waiting for her after school, the girl was beaming!!! We saw it and her joy made everything a little bit more clear to us. But clear doesn't translate to easy. An Olympic athlete knows that the clear path to success is thousands of hours and years of practice, which will be an uncomfortable, difficult, trying, painful and demanding path. But if your goal is to be an Olympic athlete, you have no choice-you MUST go through it.
So, our path has been identified. We often had to remind each other that if we think WE'VE got it rough....what the hell has DJ experienced all this time? Even with that reminder, however, it still is TOUGH at first. But again, it gets better. Look for your kid-he/she is still there. And you still have your kid-what a blessing. Some people don't get to keep their kids. When you remember that, you remember joy. Hang in there, fake acceptance if you need to for now, it will eventually come naturally.
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