Quoting The Wizard of Oz

Are you considering telling your family about your true gender identity, but are scared?  Is it possible that you may be wrong about their reaction?  Far be it for me to assume I know anyone's family better than they do, but it might be worth taking some time to consider if you might be more fearful than you need to be.

If your reaction is an immediate one of, "If I tell my loved ones, I will be certain to face:  physical or emotional harm, or being evicted from my home, then perhaps you are wise to refrain.  BUT, and this is a big BUT, if you are feeling even a bit uncertain about how your loved ones will take the news, perhaps there is more potential for acceptance than you've considered.  Perhaps the possible, but maybe not probable fear of rejection is guiding your decision making process more than it should.  I say "perhaps" because, at least intellectually, I understand the very real fear of being cast out from your family.  But if we let fear make all of our decisions for us, our lives will not be as full as they could be.

If you want to come out to your loved ones, but don't know how, perhaps breaking the process down into baby steps would be helpful.  Think long and hard about your family members.  Is there even one family member who is open minded and supportive that you are close to?  Is that family member well accepted by other family members?  It doesn't have to be your parents.  A sibling, an aunt, a cousin, a close family friend-any of them will suffice.  You break the news to the safest person first-IF you can trust that they won't blab before you are ready.  Then, once you have even one person in your corner, you bring that person with you to tell the other family members.  You DO NOT have to inform everyone but keep in mind that whomever you do tell your news to must be trustworthy enough to keep your news private until such time you decide to share with more people.

You could put "feelers" out first.  For instance, you could broach the subject with something like:  "I was watching this show the other day about transgendered people.  It was really interesting and I really felt for people who feel like they are stuck in the wrong body."  Then, watch the person's reaction.  If they react only slightly like, "You mean transvestites?  I thought they were kinda sick," don't give up yet.  This person just might need more education.  You could respond with something like, "Actually, it's not the same thing.  Transvestites just like to "pretend" if you will.  Transgender is a gender identity issue that even science is saying is valid."  If the person seems interested, or even not freaked out completely, believe it or not, there may be hope.

Let's be realistic-this is going to be strange news to hear.  But it's only strange because it's something we're not expecting or used to dealing with.  So, that being said, a person is going to react at first.  That alone is not reason enough for you to stay closeted.  It's the size of the reaction, or the nature of the reaction that can guide your decision.  A significantly angry, explosive or offended reaction might be your warning that this person is not a safe person with whom you can share your truth.  However, a denying kind of response, a "you've got to be kidding" reaction, or even a "is this a sick joke" reaction might just be the listener's knee jerk reaction to some unusual news but may not indicate that the person will reject you outright.

Only you can decide what will make you happy.  How you live your truth is a very personal and individual decision.  That are so many shades of grey here.  If you feel happy and content with whatever measures you've taken to feel comfortable with who you are, then that may be enough for you.  But, if you feel closeted and it's making you incredibly unhappy and the only reason you haven't shared your struggles is simple fear, not a fear that you have investigated and found to be real and not imagined, then perhaps you might consider inching towards telling that one safe person, to start.

Either way, admittedly, you're going to have to be a real tough cookie.  That's where a good therapist is worth his/her weight in gold.  And maybe that would be a better place to start.  Find a therapist first before you start breaking the news.  Your therapist will be your support as you take on this challenge.  You must have someone you know you can count on before you make this leap.  You must have someone who will affirm your worth as a person, regardless of what you wear or how you act.  If your family wants to know why you want to see a therapist, you are not being untruthful if you tell them you are feeling anxious and stressed and need to work through it.

Maybe that's the best place to start-find one person who will support you.  Maybe that person will be a penpal, or someone you meet in a chat room on the net, a therapist, or a family friend-as long as it's someone who can say to you, "I may not understand right away, but I WANT to understand.  More importantly, I want you to be happy because I care."  Find that person-examine your life, your relationships for him or her.  If he/she doesn't exist in your personal life, go to Laura's Playground website and join a support group.  Look up support groups in your area.  As proof that many families will support their transgender, gender queer, and homosexual children, go to www.anotetomykid.com.  It's possible your loved one may come around like these folks did.

Yes, if you are considering sharing your truth, you must don your big girl panties or big boy briefs.  It's not easy.  But self-care is key.  We all must learn to care for ourselves properly-in that way you're just like the rest of us schmoes who share the planet.  Believing in yourself, caring for your self-it takes courage, or as the cowardly lion put it, "The NOYVE."

Attention Young People-resources for YOU

To my young readers, if there are any.  You are not alone. I did a quick search for some resources so that you would know you are NOT the only transgender kid or teenager, or young adult out there. We live in a rural community, and support is even popping up out here.  You gotta look for it.  Your generation is way more computer savvy than mine, so if I can find it, you can.

In the meantime-here are a couple of phone numbers:

Trevor Lifeline:

866-4UTrevor or 866-488-7386

Another hotline: this is a nationwide toll free number for the Trevor Lifeline:

888-644-4390

If you think that most people in the world won't love you or accept you, it's not true.  Even if you do not find acceptance at home, there are people out there who can confirm to you your worth, your loveableness, your right to exist and be happy.  Go to:

www.Anotetomykid.com

Trans Youth Family Allies is another great organization at:

 www.imatyfa.org


And if I may, I would like to comment, personally, on young folks who face this challenge.

I know that not everyone will accept you for who you really are and I can only imagine how painful that must be.  But if you harbor fears that no one will ever love you and accept you, please know that that isn't true.  You may have to kiss way more frogs than you care to, but there are lots of people who will love you, accept you, be your friend and supporter.  You are braver than you know in being true to yourself.  There are so many of us who want to help.  Please keep helping yourself and reaching out to the people who want to support you.  Go to the websites I've listed here and under "Links".  Reach out to help yourself and you will be helping someone else at the same time.  Keep the faith.  Live your truth and know that there are plenty of us who are on your side.

You asked for it...more resources

In an effort to be more concrete in my support, rather than accommodating my need to be mouthy myself, to quote one of my previous, angry blog entries, I would like to use today's entry to share some specific information regarding services, health care professionals, and the like.

For folks who are considering or have started the transition process, there are multiple physical characteristics that one must modify, obviously, in some cases, perhaps not so much with others.  Let us just get down to brass tacks and address them head on.

For transgender females anywhere in the puberty process:  has your voice become disarmingly deep?  Have you considered speech therapy?  I believe there are some programs online but if you can go to an actual speech and hearing clinic, these fine folks are trained specifically to help folks with speech issues, which may include voice training.  We were directed to the George Washington University speech and hearing clinic where in a mere 6-8 months, DJ's voice was trained to fall into the "normal" range of a typical female voice.  Their program is fabulous and affordable:  they make use of the grad students to offer the voice training, under the supervision and guidance of licensed professionals, and thereby can keep the costs affordable.  Dr. Adrienne Hancock assisted DJ and she was wonderful to work with.  They charge $50 for a one hour session.  GWU is in Washington D.C. so if you live anywhere in the area, it's definitely worth considering.  But, if you don't, consider going to a University, or speech therapy clinic near you that has a medical program and ask.  Voice training is part of speech therapy so while the folks near you may not have worked with transgender clients before, that doesn't mean they won't be willing or able to help you in your endeavor to sound more feminine.  The training is not just aimed at the voice itself, but also encompasses common mannerisms of speaking, so I imagine this process could be helpful to the transgender male client as well.

Finding a therapist that specializes in this field:  those of you living near urban areas will likely have more success, but even if you live out in the country, like we do, there are still possibilities.  Perhaps making a weekly 50 mile trip isn't feasible, but if you can manage it every 2-3 weeks, many therapists can and will still work with you, especially if you're not having any major issues.  Try Laura's Playground at :

http://www.lauras-playground.com/gender_therapists.htm

to find a list of therapists, by state.  We found DJ's therapist this way.  The first therapist we went to was Ellen Warren in Alexandria, Virginia.  She is wonderful.  You can do a Google search to find her.  The only reason we didn't stay with her was the drive was too long to make weekly, which we thought was required at the time.  However, I continued to check back with the Laura's Playground website and found DJ's new therapist, Chris McClure, in Gainesville, VA.  She is fabulous as well.  Both are very experienced in helping transgender teens and young adults.  You can Google Chris McClure, as well to find her office location.

Considering hormone therapy?  Prior to the recent changes in the WPATH Standards of Care,  it seemed the only path worth considering was going to a Pediatric Endocrinologist for teens who want to transition in this way.  However, we were fortunate enough to have a colleague who recommended another colleague in New Jersey who worked with DJ's primary care physician, here at home, to manage her pharmacological needs.  Dr. Carla Enriquez in New Jersey is a doctor who specializes in pediatric neurodevelopmental issues, among other things.  She assisted DJ in writing prescriptions for her hormones.  Our insurance did not cover her care, so it was pricey because Dr. Enriquez will conduct an exceedingly thorough exam including interviews with the patient and parents of the minor patient.  But she is a brilliant doctor who, by the way, transitioned quite a long time ago and was a true trailblazer in her state.  Her actions led to legislation to protect transgender people from discrimination and harassment in New Jersey.  We enlisted the help of DJ's primary care physician to authorize periodic lab work, which our insurance did cover.  He then forwarded the results of the lab work to Dr. E so that she could be sure DJ's hormone levels were in the appropriate range.  You might be able to enlist the assistance of your PCP in this way, thereby keeping visits to the specialist who writes the prescriptions to a minimum.  I simply downloaded and printed a fair amount of scientific data describing DJ's condition and brought it in to her PCP and we discussed his informing his staff that the client formerly known as JD, was now DJ. He was glad to help and thankful for the information I provided so that he could read it in his spare time.

Another great doctor to consider who just brought a physician's assistance to her practice to help manage her increasing numbers of clients with hormone management needs is Dr. Christine McGinn in New Hope, PA.  You can Google her, as well.  My understanding is Dr. McGinn had quite a long waiting list for patients who wanted her to help them manage their pharmacological needs,which is why she brought the physician's asst. on board.  Whether or not she is taking new clients for this purpose, I'm not certain, but it's worth trying.  Dr. Christine McGinn is also a superbly gifted surgeon, as I understand it, and performs gender confirmation surgery for both male and female transgender patients.  She has a wonderfully unique set-up to care for her surgical patients, particularly post-op.  Her demeanor is friendly, caring, and professional.  Her staff is excellent.  Her office also performs electrolysis AND will numb the area with a blocking agent via injection, which is a service that is hard to find.  Most electrologists work independently from doctors and cannot therefore offer the numbing injection, only numbing cream, which may not be as effective in controlling discomfort.  Additionally, Dr. McGinn's office offers laser hair removal too.

Go to Lauras-Playground.com for all kinds of resources for transgender folks.  It is incredibly comprehensive.  I've said this before, but the first time I went on the website, I was a bit taken aback because the graphics were what would normally appeal to children and I was worried what kind of website it was.  DO NOT let the graphics sway you one way or the other.  This website is very helpful, complete with chaperoned chat rooms, blogs, and all kinds of references for services.  This was, literally, the first resource we made use of when DJ first came out.  DJ and I accessed the chat rooms together so I could be sure it was on the up and up and it is.  There are folks who monitor the chat rooms to protect the users from folks who are there for the wrong reasons.

If you're considering coming out at school or at work, www.imatyfa. org and www. PFLAG.org have resources to help educate peers at work, or at school.  I've even been given to understand that a rep from their organization may come to your place of work, or school, and educate the folks there to assist with your transition.  It's worth looking into.  They have a pamphlet online that you can print up and bring to your school or place of work to illustrate what services they offer to help make your transition as a student or employee easier for everybody.

If you're considering surgery, be careful of where you look.  For example, we looked into Johns Hopkins Hospital.  Last time I checked, they perform gender confirmation surgery but the patient has to go through the Sexual Behaviors Consultation unit.  In other words, my child would be mixed in with clientele that may have had erectile dysfunction issues, inability to perform issues, sexual deviancy issues, as well as gender identity issues.  Any "sexual" issue was treated there.  I was not about to mix my child in with such a varied clientele.  For all I know, they could be treating pedophiles there since that is a sexual behavior, whereas gender identity is NOT a sexual behavior.  I thought their process was alarmingly conservative and cast the transgender person in a negative light.  Just my opinion, but worth considering when you are evaluating resources for your family member or yourself.

There is a surgeon in Canada, Dr. Brassard, who comes very highly recommended.  You can Google him as well as there is a plethora of information on him.  Very highly regarded and is supposed to have a gentle bedside manner in addition to excellent skills as a surgeon.

I will endeavor to find out more if I can and share it with my readers.  If you have resources that you can share, please send me a comment and maybe we can then share e-mail addresses and correspond.  

Change is a comin'

Some exciting and promising events have been taking place both personally, and in the news, that make me more and more hopeful for the happy futures of folks of all gender identities and sexual orientation, for that matter.  Let us consider the promising events of the past couple of years:

The Girl Scouts of America organization's statement that they will accept any child who professes to be and presents as a girl into their organization, with parental consent.

OWN-the Oprah Winfrey Network airs a documentary about Cher Bono and her transgender son, Chaz.

CNN airs a positive piece on a transgender female child whose parents are supportive, as is her community,  and her playmates.

WPATH, the World Professional Association for Transgender Health, has revised its Standards of Care so that its verbiage is more supportive than ever of transgender and gender queer individuals.

A prominent pop artist in England was successfully able to have gender confirmation surgery and her story was also televised on the abovementioned CNN special.  She was the youngest person in the world (age 16) to have the surgery indicating more surgeons' willingness to see that early interventions often lead to happier lives for transgender folks; this is excellent progress in light of the fact that most problems these folks have are anxiety and depressive issues secondary to non-acceptance in the world after years of living in the wrong body.

There are child welfare agencies in the federal government that are in tuned to this issue and have been educating themselves for the last couple of years, to my knowledge.  For all I know, they have been working toward the improvement of care for transgender children for far longer than that.

Doctors are increasingly understanding the importance of early intervention and authorizing more frequent use of puberty delaying hormones in children.  Since the effects are completely reversible, the doctors feel "safer" and it gives the child an opportunity to start living as the gender with which they identify. As a result, they may never have to go through the excruciating process of puberty in the wrong body.

While we have movements that want to "define" marriage, we have states that have legalized same sex marriages.  There are many of us straight folks who stand behind homosexual families who want the same legal rights and financial protections that the rest of us enjoy.

Repeal of "Don't Ask, Don't Tell."  All I can say is, "Finally.  Alleluia and Amen."

We have more and more local governments and employers who are adding verbiage to their guidelines stating that discrimination based on a person's orientation or gender is unlawful.

Then I have boatloads of anecdotal information that illustrates that this world is changing.  No, we are not there yet.  But if we want to be able to get out of bed in the morning, we have to be able to see that there is hope whether we are the transgender individual, or the parents, family or friends of a person who is transgendered.  You brave folks who are carrying the torch-I thank you and applaud your courage.  To quote Lady Gaga, not only were you born this way, but you were born to be brave and as a result, can teach the rest of us schmoes how to accept folks of all walks of life.

But it's not  your job to teach us.  You must simply be true to yourself in the way that works best for you.  

There are a lot of us "mainstream" folks who are in your corner.  Change is a comin';  granted, perhaps  not fast enough, but it's happening.  Keep the faith.

Why mouthy lawyers should just shut up

Three cheers for the Colorado Girl Scouts of America organization!!!!  They welcomed a child who identifies as a female, but with XY chromosomes, to join their organization.  Unfortunately, the organization has not received word back from the child's mother if the child is still interested since her first attempt at joining was denied by a local troop.  Nonetheless, a nationally recognized organization has openly, and publicly stated that in effect, they will not make a habit of checking a child's underwear before admitting them to their organization, but rather will allow any child who feels AND PRESENTS as a girl to join their organization.  

Now, according to Judith Reisman, an attorney at Liberty University School of Law, well, see below:

"To cross that line "is child sexual abuse, the violation of children's genetic reality aided by a society that is reverting back to the dark," said Judith A. Reisman, visiting professor of law at Liberty University School of Law.

"If he has male parts, he is a male," she said."

Read more: http://www.news.com.au/world/transgender-boy-allowed-to-join-girl-scouts/story-e6frfkyi-1226180167445#ixzz1cAcqTFMl


Now, how does Ms. Reisman propose that we confirm gender to be sure we're not allowing the wrong folks in?  Go ahead Ms. Reisman, check a child's drawers for their "parts" and let's see how long you remain in your profession, or free on the streets of America rather than behind bars, at the bottom of the jailbird pecking order.  And really, if someone is so concerned with a child's genitals and whether or not they are accurately represented by their outer attire, perhaps that is exactly where a person like that belongs.  


Not that Liberty University School of Law are touted experts in psychology, gender identity, pediatrics, or human sexuality. The School of Law is just that-an institution that prepares folks to study and practice the law.  And last time I checked, gender discrimination and checking the parts of children were both unlawful activities in most parts of the country.


Ms. Reisman, I wonder what you think of folks whose genitalia are ambiguous.  How about soldiers who lose their male parts during war-do they cease to become male?  A female relative had elective surgery to remove her ovaries and uterus to save herself from the ravages of cancer-is she now genderless?   Well guess what Ms. Reisman, experts in human anatomy, and physiology (that's the study of human "parts" for any attorney who is not familiar with the terms) are well versed in conditions where gender is NOT clearly defined just by holding up a puppy's tail and looking to see if something is hanging there, or not. Yup, that's right, there's a condition where one's genes indicate one's gender, but the external genitalia does not agree, or the exterior does agree, but the internal organs don't.  There are multiple variations of this condition which is usually caused by Congenital Adrenal Hyperplasia.  And PLEASE do not throw out the stupid hermaphrodite word as it is rife with sordid connotation when in fact, it's merely a medical condition.  


For heaven's sake, when folks are born without appendages, or have misdirected circulation in their hearts, or have cleft palates, no one tries to turn their genetic condition into a definition of WHO they are.  But people get so FREAKED out about genitals, particularly those who like to mix academia with the zealous pursuit of theocracy; they have to make anything other than the binary system of gender and sexuality an aberration of nature, when in fact, it ISN'T!


Please Ms. Reisman, educate yourself on things like, oh, I don't know, genetics, normal human behavior, pediatric psychology, anatomy and physiology, pathology, culture, human sexuality, the views of the American Medical Association,  or better yet, use your law degree for something useful like, hmmm, practicing law rather than wasting it with pontificating.  While Liberty University may advocate frequent perusal of the Bible, I hope as a law professor that you cite other references before you make such broad, sweeping, ignorant, uninformed, unethical  and ridiculous statements.


Can you tell I'm pissed?

Adventures on the playground

It's been a tough week and DJ has accidentally crossed into the line of fire.  However, in the most recent fallout, any injury she incurred was a result of her deliberately tripping into the minefield.

Last night, fair or unfair, I made a remark about all my kids being "high maintenance."  OK-I was being melodramatic. I was frustrated at my young adult children's propensity to not be problem solvers and to need direction. Yeah, yeah, I know, they're acting like typical young adults that are grasping the monkey bar behind them marked "childhood" while grasping the monkey bar in front of them marked, "adulthood."  They do not swing forward, or back because they are holding onto both bars at the same time.  Typical, expected, I KNOW.  But I had a moment, or a series of moments, of frustration.  Geez, I'm not even close to perfect.

Today, more of the same as yesterday.  Not yelling or screaming, just helping one kid over a big hump.  I've made multiple trips into town for various reasons and now it's time to pick DJ up from school and head over to the Driver's Ed place so she can take her final test. Except, I start heading home accidentally and am about to make a U-turn when DJ informs me I need to go home anyway because she needs to take her medicine.

I won't go into the particulars, but she tried to blame me for not thinking of bringing it with me when I went to pick her up after school. Then she tried to blame Bulldog because she mentioned it to him yesterday and after all, in her opinion, he should have communicated that to me.  Of course, she will not accept that saying something to me on the ride to school this morning would have been advised.  So, I have another moment.  Please don't think I screamed at DJ, I didn't but I was clearly upset and she told me I was being an "ass."  An ass?  Seriously?  OK, even if it's true, what happened to children being seen and not heard?  Yeah, yeah, it went the way of the "sparing the rod" ideology.

So I respond something to the effect of, "It's your body" and continue with if she can't take care of her needs that it is ultimately her problem, which she somehow reads as my threatening to deny her her date with the surgeon next year.  NOW who is being melodramatic?

Can you imagine a mother who would ground her child from her gender reassignment surgery?  She would be grounded for a year!!  That's how long it can take to get a surgery date.  This was never on my parent radar.  It's not like Parent magazine discusses how to parent your teenager, or your young adult child;  forget addressing the challenges that might be unique to parents of transgender kids. There are articles, ad infinitum, about getting your kid to sleep through the night or toilet training, but nothing to my knowledge that comes close to this realm.

Oh, it's ok.  We figured it out even without the assistance of a periodical.  We will not be rewarding behavior by handing out hormone pills like they're tokens, nor will we withhold them when DJ trips up.  We'll just keep reminding her to be responsible, just like we do for our other two almost grown-up kids.  Different words being exchanged, perhaps, but the same argument or challenge underneath:  encouraging them to let go of the bar behind them so they can reach out to grab the next bar in front.   

The pain of letting go

How to pull myself out of the doldrums?  I feel like utter crap because DJ's brother is going through a hard time.  So while today's entry isn't pertinent solely to the issue of transgenderism, it is pertinent to raising kids, teenagers and young adults.  More than that, I think it may be my therapy.

"Oh, it's so much worse when they're older," a friend of mine remarked to me 10 years ago back when a tube of Clearasil was not yet a required product in our household.  I couldn't fathom it.  "You can't fix it anymore," she continued, "when they're little, mommy can make anything better."  OMG-was she ever right.

Not to diminish the hardships of raising children who throw tantrums in the mall or who just can't get the hang of potty training-that too is a tough row to hoe.  But this is a marrow deep ache that I feel everywhere and there isn't a thing I can do to help my son.  He must figure these things out on his own.  In spite of how much I want to text him and check up on him, I've managed to only do it once in the last hour, and am currently fighting the urge to do it again.

But he sounded so upset when we spoke over an hour ago.  He's learning to live in the adult world and the last couple of months have been tough.  He doesn't have the hang of it yet:  the ability to manage his time or money well, the ability to say "no" when it will save him stress, the ability to withstand chronic stress and deadlines, and the ability to bounce back well from failure.  Did I not teach him well?  Will he figure it out on his own?  And what the heck will I do when even greater heartaches come his way?

Letting go-truly the hardest thing in the world about being a parent.  Holding on tight-I can do that all the live long day, well into the night, and right into the next day-no sweat.  I know what I'm doing when it comes to holding on:  I cuddle, I comfort, I fix, I instruct, I make the hurt recede, I bolster confidence and help them to their feet again. But this letting go thing-it requires doing so much less, but is so much more demanding of my heart.  I don't know how to do it well and doubt I ever will.  Maybe that's just as well since to become good at it means I may have to lose some empathy in the process, I suspect.  Knowing that my empathy makes me suck at letting go brings me little comfort at the moment, however.  It just hurts.  Period.

I don't know if I can go through this again.  Especially with DJ.  I can't believe I'm going to say this, but I think seeing my darling girl go through these young adult growing pains may even be harder than watching my darling boys go through it ; and  navigating romance as a transgender person may involve even more challenges than for those whose minds and bodies agree; I don't even want to contemplate seeing her go through kissing a bunch of frogs until she finds her perfect prince or princess. It's too much for a mother to bear-or at least for this mother.

But in the end, good mothers have  to bear it, right? We have to find a way to bear it, somehow.  So I will close with another remembrance of my father in one of his few tender moments, when I cried, "I thought this would get easier."  What he said as he hugged me was, "It doesn't."  What he didn't say, but I could feel in his hug was, "But you'll get through it."  Since I can't hold onto my kid right now, I'll hold onto that.