Becoming more whole

It's a lazy Sunday morning for DJ.  Not for Bulldog and not for me; for her highness, it is a day to do as she pleases, until we suggest otherwise, that is.

We are approaching the one year mark of her last hospitalization and the difference between then and now is amazing and I don't want to detract in any way from her success by casting my superstitious fears out in the universe.  That being said, I'm going to give voice to them in the hope that it will stave off any bad jou-jou!

This time last year, DJ decided to cut her hair quite short and it looked fabulous on her. However, it was so unlike her to do that and it made me raise an internal, "I wonder if something's up," eyebrow.  Not much later, it turns out she was not taking her medication as required and was engaging in other activities that were potentially harmful, as well as restricting her food.

Following that hospitalization right after Christmas, we had to lay some new ground work. Bulldog and I had to learn to back off.  Our worry for her and our hovering over her in an effort to catch disaster in its infancy before it became a tsunami were exhausting to us, offensive and hurtful to her, and just plain ground us both down into the dirt.  Plus, and this is a biggy:  it didn't help one iota.  Not even a little.  If we watched her eat in an attempt to catch her not eating, we would question nearly every bite she did, or didn't put in her mouth.  A strange dichotomy because the last thing a person with an eating disorder needs to do is pay attention to what she eats!!!

We had to force ourselves not to look nearly as much.  We had to stop asking her if anything was bothering her.  In short, we had to stop checking her diaper to see if it was wet.  This was for her sanity and for ours.  Imagine what happened:  miracle of miracles, the sky did NOT fall in, our daughter did not suffer more great tragedy and Bulldog and I settled down a bit.

DJ had her fantastic trip to see Apple in England, and returned bearing gifts of all kinds.  Summer waned and as fall approached, she became anxious about school starting again.  Mostly because she's not sure what direction to take with her education and feels like she should have the answers.

Poppycock!!!

She and I sat at a favorite restaurant when she shared this fairly recently. She feels like she's mooching off of Bulldog and me, she's living at home, is currently unemployed and is uncertain what direction to take with school.  I told her that I wished her brothers had waited like she is because they made plenty of mistakes by being in a hurry to get out on their own.  Plus, Bulldog and I like having her home.  We enjoy her company and there's nearly no friction between any of us.  Besides, and perhaps most importantly, she missed out on more than a few years of settling into her skin, figuring out who she is and what she wants. She was so busy being JD during the years that DJ should have been able to learn to spread her wings.  There's no hurry, no rush, to growing up and leaving, I told her.  Give yourself this gift of time-you need it and you deserve it.

OK, so Bulldog and I will continue to provide some structure for her, but we don't have to rush.  We are 10 months out from her last hospitalization, which I hope will be her last hospitalization for many, many years to come.  We know there may be other issues to contend with in her future still.  She will have to come to terms with whether or not to share her past with her future significant other, how to do that, and learning to accept that she will be a wonderful mother despite having to find another route to make that happen.

Right now she's carving her pumpkin and roasting the seeds.  She's just recently decided to omit seafood from her diet, in addition to meat, so I think she's going to take our leftover lentil soup and make some sort of lentil burgers out of it. I have no idea what to expect.  She's enjoying learning to cook, which is a bonus for us since we frequently work late.

It might be me, but I swear her face is becoming more beautiful and softer all the time.  I suppose it's the result of nearly 4 years of estrogen therapy, aside from her natural God-given face.  She still writes music prolifically, and has revisited some of her hobbies that she enjoyed before she came out, which I'm glad to see.  Maybe it means she feels more comfortable melding her history with her present.  I hope so.  

Beginning the young adult years

So, we are off on our next adventure with DJ.  She is coming up with a more definitive plan for her future.  She spent two weeks with Apple and her family, and now DJ hopes to return there next year and pursue her degree there.  Bulldog and I are quite happy for her and hope her plans come to fruition.

However, DJ is a sprite and a procrastinator, of sorts.  She is a true butterfly in that she may have a strong sense of direction, but sometimes the slightest gust of wind can throw her off course.  And then she gets distracted by some pretty flowers and forgets her way back to her original direction, until prodded.

She will be traveling slightly further from home for her classes this year.  This is a good thing as the post-secondary institution is in a more urban setting than where she is now.  She will be exposed to more cultures and beliefs than in our small town.  This would serve anyone well, but I think it will help her dating situation.

DJ has had a few young men interested in her.  One is still pursuing her, and she merely acts as if she doesn't see his advances as having a romantic connection.  She engaged in a 4 month relationship with a nice young man, and then ended it stating that she really didn't think boys were her cup of tea, after all.  While she was visiting Apple. she crossed paths with a young woman who inspired her to write a fantastic song.

DJ had expressed that she felt attracted to girls to me before.  Once she played this song for Bulldog and me, we came to see that she was sharing with us what her orientation is.  Not that we care.  In fact, I've said this before and I'll say it again:  I believe that if DJ decides to share her history with the person she falls in love with and hopes to spend her life with, the odds are more in her favor of her mate accepting her history if her mate is a woman rather than a man.

Now that many states in America are moving toward allowing gay marriage, and even if DJ resides, someday, in a state that doesn't legally recognize gay marriage, we look forward to a wedding and frankly don't care if there are two brides, or a bride and a groom.  We look forward to her being a mother and our only concern is helping her to that end in any way we can.

Back to my point:  maybe DJ will meet a nice girl that she can hang out with as a friend, or as her date.

Whatever makes her happy :)

Proceed with caution

I mentioned yesterday my paranoia about DJ's anonymity.  I blame myself for some of my paranoia because of a decision I made almost two years ago to share my identity in my local area.  A big mistake I think.  I thought it was coming from a wanting to be brave like my daughter, but I failed to have long-term perspective.

There have been a handful of folks who have successfully transitioned and are "flying under the radar", meaning their former lives have been left in the past.....or so they thought.  With today's technology, outing someone publicly is so easy, as is getting access to someone's past.  This haunts me-there are yearbooks with JD's picture in them.  What if, for the sake of argument, DJ went on to become some well known musician...how long would it take before some @$$hole, with an axe to grind, who is jealous of her success, to float the pic of JD out on the net?  Or worse:  What if something I posted on my blog comes to light that serves to out her?

I didn't understand that there are even people in the LGBT community who might find it useful to use her success story to their advantage, even if it means causing her accidental harm.  Damn those rose colored glasses that I wore for too long!!!  Thankfully, I have a friend who has shared her perspective about the importance of caution.  Thanks to that Australian lassie!

We encourage DJ to look outside of our town for schooling and for job prospects, as well as social outings.  This has worked well for her and she is considering even driving a bit further out for school next year, as well as for a part time job.  There is much more acceptance in the area she is considering.  This upcoming year, while attending community college, she will start planning for a four year university to complete her studies in music, most likely.  Then she will be able to spread her wings more fully.  But I will likely always be looking over my shoulder for her.  I don't want her to worry about such things, so Bulldog and I will instead :)  We'll caution her to be selective about what she shares but I think she's savvy to the importance of discretion.  We all continue to learn....

Parents who are new to this:  be cautious and guard both your privacy and that of your child covetously.  At the same time, do not beat yourself up about not thinking far enough ahead.  (I will attempt to listen to my own advice!)  Your child may have an, "I don't give a damn what people think; I am who I am," perspective, out of fatigue from living a false life for so long.  It's SO understandable, but you MUST guide them until they are of age to make an informed decision for themselves.

However, there are some brave parents who are going public with their outcry on behalf of their very young transgender children.  These folks may be the exception but I'm not sure, personally.  I admire their courage, and think that their children will fare well since they transitioned so young that very few will get as "outraged" when the only "proof" that can be produced of the child's previous life is a picture of a gender neutral appearing five year old.  Let's face it, remove the trappings, i.e., clothing and haircuts, and most children appear somewhat androgynous when looking at their little faces.  It's when a picture of an "obviously" male or female person is juxtaposed against a picture of the person living as his or her true self that people tend to react to because the "difference" in gender seems more "obvious."  That's the nature of our very visually-oriented society.  So, these parents of very young children may be where one of the answers to societal acceptance lies.  We are more empathetic to a child who appears somewhat androgynous.  But who knows how their kids will feel 20 years from now?  It's too soon to tell, but I for one will not find fault with them.  I would only remind any parent who is raising a child who may be subject to deliberate or accidental misunderstanding and ridicule to proceed with caution, while being quick to forgive themselves if they make a mistake.  My thoughts are with you <3.

It's Graduation Day....sorta

Long time, no chat.  This is largely because I fret about DJ's anonymity.  In fact, I often feel paranoid about it, but that is a potential topic for another time.

Today, high schools all over the place are holding their graduation ceremonies.  We've experienced this twice with Goodwrench and Romeo but will not be experiencing it with DJ.  Yes-she has officially graduated high school, but no, she is not taking part in the graduation ceremony at the high school from which she officially graduated.

This is a decision that she made, and Bulldog and I support.  Had she decided to "walk" on graduation day, we would have supported that, too.  It was a long and tough haul getting her to this point:  she went through three hospitalizations in 18 months, one of which to bring her outers in line with her inners, the other two related to stress and eating disorder.

I feel sad today but hope that this is the last milestone that is markedly different than what she might want.  I'm trying to be positive.  There have been so many other celebrations she has missed because she was hidden, then so many more because she wasn't accepted, the prom and graduation among them.

Dynamo was kind enough to remember us today stating that DJ's name was in the program and that she saved one for us.  She has been an unbelievably supportive and loving friend and mentor for DJ and for me.  I am so touched she thought of us today.

When DJ made the decision, she stated, "I really only went there for one  year. I don't feel a real connection to it."  Understandable, certainly.

She's our last to graduate.  When Goodwrench and Romeo graduated, it was exciting and fun to see them cross the stage and celebrate with their friends afterward.  I wanted that for her and for us.  Getting DJ to this point was a much greater challenge than it was for her brothers because of social dynamics and medical considerations.  A celebration is even more warranted for her, in my opinion.  We're having a party for her, a rather small affair, at her request, and then a few days after that, she'll be heading overseas to see Apple in the company of Sister Chromatid, so she won't fare too badly, I don't think.  But I'm still lickin' my wounds a bit.  Maybe it's just for me....in fact, I think it is.  DJ seems to be nonplussed by this and spent the afternoon hanging out with a friend she met at community college.

It helps realizing that this is one of the last milestones of youth that she will experience differently because of her former life.  That's not to say she won't have other decisions in the future related to her previous life, but there is nothing else to stand in her way for college, or jobs, or parties, because high school was the last vestige of her previous life.  She did, we did it.  <Big SIGH of relief>

To Air or not to Err

Such a conundrum that has presented itself....so much a conundrum to drag me out of my Blog reclusiveness.....

DJ did so well last semester:  happy in the community college, found herself a sweetheart, wrote a helluva paper in defense of gay marriage and then had another set back.  We're rebounding now-much quicker than last time but it's not easy.  She is SUCH a teenager and in many ways, we've noticed a slight regression.  It's almost like she's trying to make up for lost time-can ya blamer her?  We can't.

Then, out of the blue, I get contacted by an organization interested in talking to us about our parenting.  Of course, being Bulldog's beloved, my hackles stand up initially.  But, I did a snippet of research and it seems legitimate, this organization dedicated to telling others' stories in a respectable manner.  Do we share to encourage others, even if it may make DJ more identifiable, somehow, to someone who wants to know about her previous life?

I read a book recently:  Far from the tree by Andrew Solomon.  Brave folks shared their gut-wrenching stories and it opened my eyes.  Do we owe that to others?  It's certainly worth thinking about....

For Alexander and his mom...

DJ and I are hangin' out watching "Friends" reruns.  Both of us tend to be night owls lately.  Last night she decided to disprove Curry's Paradox.  Look it up on Google because I am too geometrically-challenged to be able to explain what Curry's Paradox is.  Luckily for me, it involved a picture!  Suffice it to say she was pulling out colored pencils, graph paper and a ruler last night at 11:30 to start disproving the paradox.  Bulldog asked her why;  was it competition or something?  It's difficult for both Bulldog and me to understand why anyone would think it's fun to use not one but two different mathematical formulas to disprove the paradox just for "the fun of it" but we're not going to knock it.  It sure as hell beats video games.

Have I mentioned before that I have no idea where she came from?  Our genes don't indicate that our offspring would have such qualities.  Sarcasm, shortness of stature, ability to spread our toes-these are our genetic gifts.  DJ missed out on pretty much all of those and ended up with freakishly good abilities that require both the right brain and the left brain.

Today we were returning from running some errands and DJ informed me that she gets carsick when the sun gets in her eyes.  I suggested she get her sunglasses out of her purse.  She said, "Oh, here they are."  She turns to show me these goofball kelly green sunglasses with the lenses popped out.  We both start laughing hysterically.  How lucky am I to end up with this lovable goofball of a daughter?  I'm so glad she's DJ-our relationship is only what a mother can have with a daughter.

Don't get me wrong-I treasure my relationships with Romeo and Goodwrench.  They are GREAT people and great sons.  But DJ and I relate the way only two women can.  Sometimes Bulldog just shakes his head at our antics but I don't think he minds being outnumbered too terribly.  She can poke at him like no one else can and he eats it up.  I'll bet he never would have foreseen this when DJ first came out to us.

I heard from a young man whose mom is trying to be supportive of his coming out as her son.  I hope he understands what a good start that is.  That's where we were nearly two and half years ago.  It's night and day coming from where we were to where we are.  Wanting to try, wanting to be supportive is more than half the battle.  So if Alexander's mom is reading-hang in there.  As long as you keep wanting to be there for your son, as long as you're willing to try, to call him by his name and make constant efforts to use the right pronoun, you will get to the point of embracing this young man and loving him for him.  Yes-missing that other child doesn't ever completely leave, but when you look at your son, try to remember that the core of the child has not changed.  And if no one has told you this yet, Alexander's mom, you're a good mom for trying.  You would be shocked at what some people experience at the hands of their parents.  It's heartbreaking.  I'm pulling for you!!

Long time, no speak

Insomnia sucks but it has led me back to you fine folks.  I will take this opportunity of sans sleep to give you a little heads-up on the DJ scene.

Speaking of scene-did anyone else know that this- "scene"-is a fashion style?  It's one DJ has embraced wholeheartedly in the last couple of months.  The early part of summer was rough in many respects but it's amazing what changing medications can do especially when the new doctor points out that the old doctor had her on a dosage roughly five times higher than what he would have recommended.  After that switch, we had our old DJ back-pretty much all the time again. 

She's perky, she's goofy, she's composing music like mad and she's "scene".  She went to the salon for a brand new "do" that is stinkin' adorable.  Admittedly, as 8 and 10 inches of hair were falling to the floor of the salon, my heart sank and I actually thought:

We've spent the last two years helping you achieve the feminine look and now you're cutting all your hair off?

I was dead wrong-she's even prettier.  You can see the delicate structure of her face more readily now.  She has a very edgey look that is actually quite flattering.  I think her appearance, her "look" is a form of expression for her. 

She's enrolled in community college to finish out her senior year in high school and is quite happy with the decision.  It's a much free-er atmosphere and no one freaks out if she wears a tank top.  The dress code rules at her former high school are becoming ridiculous. 

The check-ups at the surgeon's are revealing that all procedures were a smashing success.  Science is truly amazing, is all I can say.  DJ was granted "permission" to purchase real bras now.  Until last week, sports bras were all she was permitted until she got to a certain point in the healing process.  So, after school, we hit Kohl's and little Miss Thing came home with three new bras, a cute dress and striped knee socks that had, "I love nerds" printed on them. 

DJ and Sister Chromatid are back in their friendship groove again.  Apple has invited DJ to bring Sister Chromatid to visit England next summer as a graduation gift.  She's promising a weekend in Paris.  The girls are thrilled beyond belief. 

Bulldog and I are finally letting our guard down a bit. DJ's weight and appetite are healthy, her depression has lifted, she's healed up nicely and is getting back to her life again.  We're trying not to look over our shoulders so much-a tough habit to break when you've gotten used to trouble creeping up on you repeatedly.  Romeo and Goodwrench are both doing great too as are Juliet and Gellar.  Time to coast a little bit....