Letting go

Interestingly, after I was lamenting my own lack of courage in being more open about DJ, I watched a special on "Nightline"centered around two transgender families, and a formerly transgender man.  I say formerly because he was born a genetic male, transitioned in an attempt to recreate the family he lost in his divorce (having no desire to be, feel or act like a woman prior to his divorce), including gender confirmation surgery, and then had surgery again so that he would resemble the man he was born as, and feels he truly is.  And THAT is why true trans folks have to jump through so many hoops before they can have the hormones or surgery, because there's always one person who has some other issue.

But Moms and Dads, if any parents of transgender kids are reading this, do NOT let that man scare you.  If you play the odds with your kid's happiness betting that your kid might be experiencing what that misguided man experienced, you're taking a great risk with your kid's happiness.  Shame on that man's doctor because, like it or not, doctors are supposed to be the gatekeepers to the legal hormones and eventual surgery.  

Bulldog and I have been going through this process for nearly a year and a half; albeit secondhand, because we are not transgender, we just desperately love our daughter, who is.  The internet can be your friend and your foe if you do not DILIGENTLY do your research.    The Harry S. Benjamin, now called WPATH, standards of care is what most reputable and experienced doctors follow in this country.  Overseas, they tend to be more lenient, which has pros and cons.

For instance, very few US surgeons will touch a kid under 18.  Not nearly as true in Canada, Europe and parts of Asia. That can be great news for the family who has had their kid under excellent care for years and still has years to go before they will be 18.  Until the surgery, in this country, in nearly all states your birth certificate decides your gender, not your brain.  You get a new birth certificate after the surgery denoting your surgically corrected gender.  But until a person can have the gender confirmation surgery (lingo our daughter's doctor uses-way better than "sex change operation" and more accurate than "gender reassignment surgery"), they may only be allowed to experience certain aspects of life that will be guided by the information on their birth certificate.  You may or not be able to imagine what difficulty having the "wrong" genitalia can cause:  what does your kid do for PE?  How about which restroom to use at school?  How many summer, overnight, camps will allow your daughter to sleep with other people's daughters in a tent if the 1% of her body that comprises her genitalia doesn't match the rest of her presentation?

So, once you start "letting" your kid transition, aside from a new wardrobe, what next?  Hormone therapy is the usual next step.  Regarding hormone therapy:  almost all changes are reversible, but here are some notable exceptions.  If your trans son is considering testosterone therapy, know that once his voice changes, it is permanent because you can't shrink vocal chords once testosterone makes them lengthen.    However, if you're a trans girls who experienced a voice change prior to going on estrogen therapy, you can train your voice to be in the "normal" female range.  Conversely, if you're a trans girl who has started estrogen therapy and you, for some pretty unusual reason, statistically, change your mind, nipples that may have grown somewhat larger can not be shrunken down; they can likely be reduced surgically, however.

Other than that, almost any other changes elicited by hormone therapy are reversible, so hormone therapy is a great place to start to let your kid start his or her transition.

The question usually is not whether your kid is ready but whether you are.   "Nightline" wasn't exaggerating about the suicide rate among trans kids whose families can't or won't support them in their transition.  Think of it like this:  if you woke up with the parts, or body hair, or lack thereof, of a person of the opposite gender, how would you feel?  I know how I'd feel because at my age, I'm dealing with those (so far) sporadic little chin hairs for which I can thank my Italian grandmother.  I find them horrifying.  I will experience pain, willingly, to have them, or any other facial hairs that may appear, yanked out and PRONTO!!!  Judging by the sheer number of waxing salons that can even be found in my (red)neck of the woods, I'm not the only woman who feels this way.  And gentlemen:  I'm sure a bit of a beer belly isn't too terribly bothersome, but once your pecs start to resemble breasts, I'll bet you don't feel so great about yourself all of a sudden, do you?

Most of us have the bodies that reflect our true gender.  We're glad we were born with the parts that identify us to ourselves and the rest of the world as who we feel we are.  If you had to be forced to be a person of the opposite gender, take a few moments to really, truly envision what horrific emotional torture that would be.  On those days when either Bulldog, or I, were still wanting to see familiar JD in DJ's emerging self, we had to remind ourselves IT WASN'T ABOUT US!!  I put that in caps not to judge those of you who may be struggling, but to point out the importance of remembering this.

You may feel like you're losing a child and in a way, you are.  Grieve all you want-it's ok.  It's understandable.  You're not the only parent who has felt this way, believe me.  But you're also setting your child's true self free in a way you cannot even fathom.  And your child will be an even happier version of him/her self because your child is happier.  And THAT is how you can be assured that you are doing the right thing and not merely letting your child meander down the wrong, mistaken path.

As soon as your kid really knows that he/she can be herself, it won't be so hard to see that your genetic son is in fact a girl.  It will become so freaking obvious, eventually, you'll wonder how your child could have been such a great actor in fooling you.  On "Nightline" it was apparent that the kid born as Jack was completely transformed when she could be her true self, Jackie.  Wasn't she adorable?  Most of who we are is how we feel and act; our looks will usually follow suit.

Trust your kid.  Trust your gut.  If they are in agreement, you can rest more easily-you're doing the right thing letting your kid be who he/she was meant to be and more importantly, who he/she knows he/she is.

Walking the walk

I've come to realize that I talk the talk really well; I ain't walking the walk so good.  Why have I not shared my blog on Facebook?  The answer came to me the other day while I was at work.

Lady Gaga, no matter how you feel about her music, is a trailblazer when it comes to speaking up for the folks in this country who are often overlooked, ridiculed, and misunderstood.  If Bulldog and I allowed our daughter to tattoo, "Baby I was born this way," it would have been staring at me from the front of her forehead by now.  So the other day, when Lady Gaga was on a music awards show dressed as a "guy" one of my coworkers just shook his head and made some remark resembling, "What is wrong with people today?"

I realize that I'm in a fairly good position in my life right now.  I'm secure in my job, respected among colleagues in my profession in my department and multiple other departments.  I've worked with enough people and taught enough people that they KNOW I'm not "fruity" or overtly weird.  In fact, I've even managed to change a few people's minds regarding how they perceive people suffering from depression, how they perceive gay people, and African Americans, as well.   Granted, the one or two  male coworkers that I might have influenced may not be ready to hug a gay man, but at least they won't openly sneer in a gay man's presence.

My daughter goes to school and she frankly doesn't give a damn, in the sweetest way possible, WHAT people think, on the whole.  She's ready to be responsible to other people in her shoes by speaking out and being open about her reality.  She's not "in your face" about it, but she doesn't pull any punches on Facebook.  And let's face it, EVERYBODY in high school is on Facebook.  She knows the risk she's taking and takes it willingly, nonetheless, because she believes transparency allows the light of truth to shine more brightly.

And me?  I could make some of my Facebook friends see what a regular family with a transgender family member is like.  She's not strange, we're not strange.  And after all, isn't that what changes people's minds?  We can easily disparage what we don't know up close and personal.  But once we meet  and know people who embody what would previously frighten us, it's just so much harder to revile those people to the same degree.  Those kinds of baby steps led to repealing of poll taxes, allowing women to vote, more and more women in positions of authority in the workplace, hell, the making of the Grand Canyon even.

What's holding me back?  It's simple and everyone who may be reading it has certainly guessed it by now.  I'm afraid.  I will be outed- that's how it feels to me and my misery over my guilt only potentiates my cowardice.  People will snicker about my daughter and about me.  They will think we've done something wrong as parents.  I'm not ready to hear remarks about my daughter.  I don't know what I'll do and I'm terrified at what I might not do which is to tear whoever dares to speak against my daughter in my presence a new posterior orifice, because I'm too much of a freaking pansy.

So, as I listened to my coworker's remark about the state of humanity, I realized I had an opportunity to share, and I didn't.  And then I hearkened back to what Bulldog said that first day after DJ came out-"I hope I can be as brave as you."  I'm not as brave, not even close.

In honor of Martin Luther King

Today was supposed to be the official unveiling of the Martin Luther King Memorial in Washington D.C.  Hurricane Irene led to the unveiling being postponed, unfortunately.  Why today?  Because today, in 1963, Dr. Martin Luther King gave his famous, "I have a dream," speech.  Until today, I had never heard, nor read, the speech, in its entirety.  I knew the general premise, certainly;  in honor of today, I decided to read the text and it is inspiring.

So what does Martin Luther King have to do with transgender folks?  Dr. King opened the door for civil rights for everybody, not just African Americans.  When our fine forefathers wrote the Declaration, and the Constitution for that matter, they primarily had folks who resembled themselves in mind:  white, educated, usually landowning, presumably heterosexual, males.  Which is why the verbage in both fine documents reads as it does, "all men are created equal" and that "men have the inalienable right to life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness."  While many people will say, "You know they meant women too, or people of color too," really, they apparently didn't because black people and women didn't get the right to vote until constitutional amendments were written stating, basically, yeah, the constitution applies to you too....at least when it comes to voting.

Dr. King recognized that this fine country was successfully skirting the spirit and letter of the Constitution in its treatment of people of color, namely African Americans because at that time in American history, they were the predominant people of color.  Now, nearly 50 years later, while much of the discrimination against African Americans has abated, or at least been somewhat repressed by proper observance of the law, there are still large groups of people who are being disenfranchised and being denied the rights that every other law abiding, adult citizen of this great country enjoys.

When schools, and employers, and local governments allow the hazing, abuse, bullying and terrorizing of people who do not fit the typical mold, then they are taking part in denying our citizens their right to liberty, the pursuit of happiness, and in some cases, life itself.  When our state government, or federal government try to decide which two law abiding, adult citizens may marry, they are denying these citizens their rights, as well.  And according to the greatest law of the land, the Constitution, we may not only infringe an American citizens rights, we may not infringe their privileges either.  Yup, you heard me.  The government is not allowed to abridge a citizen's rights or privileges.  Here it is, straight from the Constitution itself:  


All persons born or naturalized in the United States and subject
to the jurisdiction thereof, are citizens of the United States and of the State wherein they reside.  No State shall make or enforce any law which shall abridge the privileges or immunities of citizens of the United States..."

14th Amendment of the Constitution of the United States of America


"But the Bible says....." does not justify the withholding of a citizen's rights or privileges because another amendment, namely the FIRST one, states that the government may not establish religion; thank goodness for that because if we ever had a majority of Muslims in the Congress and Judicial system who believed in a strict interpretation of the Koran, women could be forced to wear veils and be covered from head to toe, not be allowed to be educated, or even see a doctor.  Yet, we let the Judeo-Christian belief system abrade the very fabric of the Constitution, which is supposed to be the great equalizer for all people.

Those of us who are round pegs who fit in round holes may not see the necessity of a civil rights movement because our rights are unabridged, as are our privileges.  Dr. King reminded us in 1963 and his words remind us today that our work isn't finished.  Those of us "round" pegs must fight for the "square" pegs who can still be discriminated against as long as "gender" is not included in the list of reasons that protect employees from discrimination.  We've recently added "sexual orientation" to the list of no-nos that employers and schools and local governments must observe; this is a step forward without question.  But again, we still have work to do.  We must speak out to our legislators, all of us.  We must exercise our rights and speak for those whose rights are being denied them.  We must cling to Dr. King's vision where we will:

" live in a nation where (we) will not be judged by the color of (our) skin, (or our gender, or orientation)..... but by the content of (our) character."

Who's the freak?

I love to read.  It's probably what I love to do more than anything else.  Presently, I'm reading The Help.  The TV advertisements for the motion picture are a bit misleading.  They make it look like a hilarious comedy; I'm halfway through the book and jocularity is not the word that comes to mind while reading it.  Tension, however, is.

I won't give the details away, but it takes place during the 1960's during the Civil Rights movement, in Mississippi, particularly.  The "help" decide to share their story with a budding journalist who happens to live on the white, rich and bigoted side of the tracks.  But they must do it in secrecy because the stakes are so high that most of us who are not considered the margins of society would not even begin to understand. Their truth was that if they dared to question the norm, if they had the audacity to whisper thoughts of changing the status quo, they could lose their jobs, their homes, their freedom....literally, their lives.

The book explores, to a certain degree, the roles each member of high society plays in maintaining the status quo.  And it's frightening because it's familiar.  Our methodology is subtle but insidious.  It starts with gossip: simple but ugly talk that is spoken with a degree of authority.  The listener must either agree and be accepted, or disagree and risk shunning.  The speaker often acts as if what he/she is saying is a joke, but anyone within hearing distance can distinguish the underlying humorlessness in what is being said, regardless of how it is said.  And this is where most of us fail miserably.  Ask yourself, are you the spineless speaker or the listless listener?  Because the listener who does not speak up is just as guilty as the ignorant speaker.  When we listen to ignorance and make no attempt to rebuff it, we speak the same ignorance by omission.

Our area experienced a fairly significant earthquake this week.  Many of us were called in to work since we are considered essential personnel in emergency situations.  I listened as one of my coworkers joked that it would be a riot if the Washington Monument fell on the Martin Luther King, Jr. monument that is to be unveiled next week.  Seems harmless but we all know what sentiment was lying under the joke.  Yes, I spoke up, but in a half-hearted way.  Shame on me.  I should know better.

Why?  Because my previous life was filled with abuse.  I know first hand what it is to risk change and to literally put my safety in danger.  And why else?  Because our family has a beloved member who belongs to an extremely marginalized and misunderstood group-the transgender community.  

Misunderstanding about transgender people runs rampant.  Ignorance about and ridicule of these folks is society's "normal."  Think about movies or books that depict these individuals-transgender, or transsexuals, are portrayed as sick and twisted.  They're pathetic at best and psychopathic at worst.  But if, in fact, any of these folks are twisted, I am convinced they become that way because they are ignored, harassed, hunted down, mocked, ridiculed, humiliated, shunned or simply avoided.  Why?  Because we must preserve the pecking order.  We see it on the playground, and we partake of the same dynamic as adults.

As long as I can point my finger to someone who is more (seemingly) maladjusted than me, I am, for the time being, safe from ridicule.  When you're being pursued by an attacker and you're part of a herd, you don't need to run faster than your pursuer, just faster than some other member of the herd.  We don't want to see the truth because then it's as if our frontal lobes were a waste of our Creator's efforts; the reality is when we act like a pack of wolves, we are only marginally separated from, well, the actual wolves.

Many of us defend our ignorance by finding some obscure line in the Bible to support our allegation.  But more frequently, we believe someone else who says their rationale is in the Bible.  So, we not only accept someone else's interpretation, we often willingly follow the basest interpretation just so that we can be faster than the wildebeest who is stampeding right beside us,  in terror, from the pursuer.  And the best part of all this is that oftentimes these folks profess to be a follower of a Jewish born savior born over 2000 years ago who spent the majority of his time breaking bread with the freaks or the marginalized of his day:  the lepers, the tax collectors, the prostitutes, the possessed, the crazy, the sick, the women and the children.

I used to think I was a trail blazer in standing up for the underdog.  My daughter coming out has taught me I've got plenty of room to grow in that department.  In society's eyes, she's the freak but she's got more understanding, empathy and bravery in her big toe poking out of her peep-toe glitter stilettos than most of us have in our whole bodies.  Maybe we're the freaks.

Darling girl goes militant

Our youngest, DJ, has always been everyone's darling.  Before we knew DJ as our daughter, we knew JD, our son, as that universally lovable kid.  JD was the kid that cracked everybody up, made people feel special, and had a genuinely laid-back quality that made it nearly impossible to be angry with him.  Militant was not JD's style, and certainly not DJ's style since DJ is even softer, and more sweet tempered than her "fraternal twin" JD.

I have a theory about "babies" of the family. By "babies" I mean the youngest or last born child in a family, particularly if there are at least 2 kids in the family and at least a few years difference in age between the youngest and oldest born child.  My theory is this:  these kids are so used to having a minimum of four people doting on them and treating them as if they are the most beloved person on the face of the earth, on a daily basis, that they assume, naturally and without guile, that everyone they meet will treat them the same way.  It makes for a very refreshing, self-assured yet innocent kid.  My other theory is that raising DJ's brothers killed enough of my brain cells to render me a less anxious, and thereby better, mother to her than to her two brothers.

I can be militant about causes that I find important.  Bulldog, well, I call him Bulldog for a reason:  can you conceive of an actual bulldog that does not come across as militant?  Our older two children can be militant, like their mother, about causes that incite their passion.  They come by it honestly as a result of DNA and example.  DJ, however, has never been one I would describe as militant, until recently.

OK-perhaps I exaggerate because her style of "militant" would be like seeing Tinkerbell in motorcycle leathers.  She may look tough on the outside, but on the inside, she's still pure honey, and posies and butterflies.  So how does DJ's "militant"-ness manifest itself? Nothing drastic, just different from her "norm."

We've discussed her fashion sensibility, but it's worth mentioning again because it keeps changing and getting more edgy.  Just last week, she showed me a picture of shiny red and black zebra striped leggings that she thought were the bomb.  What?!  This time last year, you were smitten with a blush colored camisole top comprised of layers of ruffled fabric.  It was ethereal, it was darling;  it was what almost any mother would be delighted to see her daughter wear.

Less than 24 hours later, she showed me a picture of what she hopes to have tattooed ACROSS. HER. CHEST.  Then she goes to the mall with her friend and comes back with sparkly blue eyeshadow and sparkly green eyeliner, which she decided to sport today.  I hate it. Bulldog hates it.

"Oh for God's sake, she thinks she's Cyndi Lauper", I cry to Bulldog.  If you're less than 30 years old, Google her.  And just so you know, DJ and all other young folks, you didn't invent BAD ASS.  Loud animal prints in colors never seen in nature?  Pretty sure Madonna did that back in her younger years.  Hair teased into ridiculous shapes that defy geometric theorems and gravity?  Cyndi Lauper, Madonna, Lady Gaga, Dolly Parton, Tammy Wynette....please, it's been done for decades.  Horrid blue eyeshadow, with thick black eyeliner?  Does anyone else remember Tammy Faye?

Yes, it drives me to distraction.  To Bulldog's credit, it's only mildly annoying.  However, without even consulting each other, we've somehow managed to arrive at the same method of handling this newly militant approach to self expression-we're ignoring it.  It worked when the kids were trying out words like, "Bullshit" and "Damn it"....and, besides, I got nothin' else.  I mean, really, do I want to make our otherwise great kid become sneaky and resentful because I think she looks over-the-top?

The trick is to NOT complicate the issue with the fact that she's a trans girl.  Truthfully, underneath, I worry that her pushing the fashion limits will just draw attention to herself and that she may appear to be trying to make a statement that while she may be "different" she's still deserving of being treated as if she were the "same." And what's wrong with making a statement, truly?  Well, nothing, except that it can piss people off.

I don't want people mad at DJ because underneath, I'm worried that people will reject her.  I want her to just go with the flow, keep her head down, lie low.  Way to set the bar high for your kid, right?  I didn't have this approach for my kids who were born in  the "right" body. In fact, I applauded them when they marched to their own beat;  I can't change the rules just because I'm more afraid for this kid.  In my defense, this fear is not unfounded.  The statistics for trans kids is pretty disheartening.  Harassment, both verbal and physical, happens at a far more frequent rate with trans kids than it does to those kids whose bodies and minds match.  So, yes, I have reason to be afraid but that doesn't mean I should react.  DJ needs to find out who she is just like any other young adult.  I can't deny her that to spare myself worry.   It wouldn't be fair to her and she's already had enough unfairness as it is.

Will the world accept my kid?

In spite of DJ's seeming good fortune at thus far being accepted, I still wonder and worry.  Is she missing out in some way?  She's not dating anyone-is that because she's not interested, or are others not interested?  Does she feel like she's missing out on some social aspect of high school?  Will she be able to make up for it in college?

These are questions that may remain unanswered for both Bulldog and me.  And the possibility that she may have felt, or be experiencing emotional pain as a result of her condition leaving her on the margins of the high school social scene brings me down faster than, well, almost anything I've experienced as a parent.   But she's at an age where her privacy is paramount.  We can ask, but she may only give us minimal information.

Truth be told, everyone's happiness depends, to a certain degree, on the acceptance of those with whom we interact on a regular basis.  And tolerance isn't enough.  Haven't we all been in the position where we can tell someone who dislikes us is merely tolerating our presence? Isn't it excruciating?  Most of have to contend with this at some point in our lives, but those of us who are markedly "different" from the commonplace will face this on a far more frequent basis.

My daughter's solution is to be as "real" as possible, which I can appreciate.  She is ready to blaze a trail to foster acceptance not just for herself, but for all people who are marginalized.   I applaud her courage while I secretly worry her search to find her soulmate will be prolonged, as a result.  She will likely be honest with anyone with whom she is intimate about her past, even after she has the gender confirmation surgery and honesty is always the best policy.  But sometimes, I just wish she would just present herself as a girl, not a trans girl, just so that she can have a real chance for once of just being seen for who she is:  a real sweetheart of a young woman.  But who am I to say?

Really, I just want her to be happy and I worry the world will try to stand in her way.  There are so many people who want to deprive others of rights and privileges that the rest of us take for granted.  And why?  Because some of us interpret the bible a certain way.  Just let her live her life.  She has enough stacked against her being born in the wrong body.  But what can I do about it?  While I'm opinionated as can be, that doesn't mean I want to or am able to take on the political arena in any way.  I make my own small steps toward informing others about the reality of this condition, but I can't change everyone's minds.  What can I do? Just keep loving my kid.  Keep supporting her and teaching her.  Keep preparing her for the worst while hoping for the best.  But, man, do I worry that that won't be nearly enough.

Teen angst

We all face it-the angst of the teenager.  We either experienced it ourselves, or are re-experiencing it with our teenagers.  Whether your teen is straight, gay, the model student, president of her graduating class, captain of the football team, transgender, emo, or a nun in training, she has probably experienced it,  is experiencing it currently, or, in the future, will experience the phenomena.

The challenge as parents is how NOT to stomp out your child's spirit while teaching your child restraint.  And of course, how NOT to ground your child, take away all that is enjoyable to your child, and to make their lives miserable simply to satisfy your frustration.

Case in point:  Facebook and YouTube submissions.  Our child is creative and has chosen to air her musical abilities on both-without our consent.  She was not trying to be secretive because she came right out and asked if we had viewed her creation on either or both online platforms.  Plus, she knows we are "friends" on FB, and I can see what she posts ( one of our prerequisites).

As a teen, she feels repressed by our rules, school rules, society's rules.  As a trans teen, I imagine she feels doubly repressed.  Her frustration over repression is quite evident because she chooses to drop the f- bomb a number of times in her online submissions.  We are now requiring her to remove the submission from Facebook and YouTube and will allow her to replace the R-rated submissions with
PG-13 submissions, once she seeks editorial approval from her parents, of course.

She is majorly ticked off.  We're stifling her, it's "just words" (well if they're "just words", why can't they be replaced with other words?) are her arguments along with her concerns that her subscribers will be disappointed.  Yeah-they're really a part of our decision making process..... Now, DJ manages to be majorly ticked off in the most ladylike way, which cracks me up.  However, the only way to reach her is to show her that a precedent has already been established.

"Even PINK has to censor herself for the public airways," made some sense to her.  Bulldog is content to go with, "Because I said so," but none of us likes to hear that.  Granted, we don't care what she likes at this juncture, but if our goal is to have our message heard then let's use language that will truly make sense to her.

Guess what young lady-we all have to share the world, including the seemingly anonymous and endless space known as the web.  And as long as we have to share, rules are required, unless we want to try out "The Lord of the Flies" method.  Sometimes we have to subvert our desires so as not to tramp on the desires of others.  That's what teenage angst is all about-learning to reconcile the, "But I want" with the, "Yeah but how will that affect others."  Now don't you feel better that your trans kid is just like every other teen?  No?  I hear you.