(Perhaps I need to) Give Cait a chance!!

Ok-so I continued to binge- watch I am Cait, and I'm so glad I did. I felt like what the viewer saw was far more "real" than the Versace handbag discussion earlier in the evening.

Cait met with some other women who were all were transgender. The mentoring that most of the women engaged in was so important. If only all women did this for each other!! There were two women who talked about a "pink haze" (I think that was the phrase they used) to which I could relate.  I remember DJ going through such a phase that I attributed to adolescence and joy at being able to be who she really was. http://transitioningfamily.blogspot.com/2011/08/fashion-sense.html
But these women seemed to cast it in a different light-not better, not worse, just different than the perspective I had. (Rachel-my filter obscured my ability to have a global perspective again!)  What I recall was DJ expecting us to absorb, accept, and acclimate to her reality IMMEDIATELY!!  I understood that her reality had been just that for her entire life, but her reality was new to us.  It wasn't that we didn't want to absorb, accept and acclimate quickly, we just didn't know how, right away.  We had to remind her of that from time to time.  So, if I could give the Kardashians and Cait any advice it would be:  be patient with each other.  Be honest enough to say that you are trying to accept each other, but that it's a work in progress.

From an outsider's perspective, Cait's falling out with her former wife is completely understandable from both sides:  Cait wanted Kris to accept her as her wife; Kris wanted her husband. The inevitable mistakes made along the way that will occur when one or both have to let go of what they thought was their reality must be viewed as only that-inevitable missteps that occur from learning to navigate a new course. 

Hopefully people at large who happen to watch I am Cait will see the similarities between families with transgender members and families that don't have any transgender members.  The underlying issue is essentially the same:  struggle to accept each other, struggle to compromise, and struggle to identify what is MOST important and finally, the struggle to let go of what we cannot have, achieve or control while simultaneously striving for what we can have, achieve and control.

I will continue to tune in...

Caitlyn coming out

We've all heard about Caitlin Jenner's coming out.  She was previously known as the world class Olympic athlete, Bruce Jenner.  Then she maintained her fame through the expert management of her former wife, and mother of two of her children, Kris Kardashian.

Those of us who have loved ones who are transgender, or those whose natal bodies do not agree with their gender already know the bravery it took for Cait to transition.  Most of us have no idea about the additional courage required to transition so incredibly publicly. I for one applaud that courage. Admittedly, however, my feelings are mixed regarding her show I am Cait.

I've watched portions of 2 shows. The first was excruciatingly disappointing and somewhat embarrassing as she, or her producers, steered her conversation from the heartbreak of homeless transgender teens to a discussion of her designer handbag. This evening's episode seems more heartfelt and yet, as the mother of a young woman who had to fight her way to happiness, I'm still concerned.

She has bravely elected to carry the torch to illuminate some of what is the reality of the transgender person. But is her story really the story that the transgender community wants told?  I really don't know-I am not transgender and it would be arrogant for me to speak for that community.  But I've made it my business to try to anticipate how people will react for my daughter's sake, for her safety and for her happiness. Granted, my attempt at anticipating the reactions of others constitutes only an illusion of control I'd like to believe I have; this allows me to believe I can keep my daughter safe.  That being said, I'm wondering if Cait's wealthy approach to coming out of the closet will only serve to alienate people.

Reality shows are often not remotely realistic.  Cait's show, purported to be a depiction of her reality of what it is to be transgender in America, is not most people's reality; this is largely because of her fame, her wealth, her resources and her producers.  Thankfully, she is honest about her struggles and yet, her struggles are packaged in glam in this show; will any viewer ever really "get"what the struggles are really like, simply by viewing her show?

I'm open to keeping my mind open…but admit to having reservations.  Either way, yeah, I say that the lady's got courage.

Wing nuts in the woodwork

Caitlyn Jenner-welcome!!!  Coming out so publicly takes enormous ovaries and while you may not have been born with ovaries, you clearly have plenty of figurative ovaries.  Yup-I saw the Diane Sawyer interview and I am not sorry to say at all that it was so clear that "Bruce" is female.  I for one could feel it.  I'm aware that there are many people, primarily those whose brains and DNA match, who are  not convinced that a person who has walked the earth for over 60 years could seemingly suddenly "change" genders.  Surprisingly, I have had cyber conversations with people who are transgender, some of whom prefer the term "transsexual," who also are suspicious of a person transitioning so late in life.   It surprised me to hear people who are living the "trans" reality attempt to put others, with similar circumstances as themselves, into a specific category, but it happens.

Why do "trans" and non-"trans" people care about who or when or why a person transitions?  Do we think it somehow undermines our own gender somehow?  Isn't that a bit preposterous?  If I start defining my gender based on those around me, super models, beauty pageant contestants, and the women in the "Real Housewives"  shows will make me feel like I am simply not a woman at all.  If I compare myself with a traditionally "masculine" appearing woman, does that make me feel more feminine?  No…the whole thing is just preposterous.  I don't need to check my panties, or anyone else's, to determine who I am.  Why on earth other people care is beyond me.

This is what I do worry about, however-despite Caitlyn's enormous courage- her public transition, unfortunately, has served to bring out all of the wing nuts from their hide-y holes.  Is this Caitlyn's fault?  Absolutely not.  However, I would be lying if I were to say that as a mom, I do not worry a bit about DJ's exposure to the acrid hatred that is currently showing up on Facebook regarding Ms. Jenner's appearance on Vanity Fair.

DJ has been playing the piano for nearly an hour straight…and the music is not sprightly and happy sounding, so perhaps she has been witness to some display of ugliness, as playing the piano is often an outlet for her.  The likelihood that any ugliness she witnesses is directed at her is slim; there are only a handful of us who know of her past.  But it still must sting.

Her life is wonderful- and I want it to stay that way.  I'd like to hack into the computers of certain alleged  anti-LGBTQ "professional truth teller" bloggers to prevent them from airing their asinine opinions for, well, ever.  But folks like that are like cockroaches…they go into hiding and breed.  It's best to let them come out into the daylight where we can spray the hell out of them with Raid  they can face the consequences of being the horrific creatures they really are by exposing their true selves to the world.

Ms. Jenner-it doesn't matter that you're gorgeous in the photo on Vanity Fair. I just keep thinking how every woman should have at least one moment where she feels great about herself.  Ms. Jenner has waited a long time to openly feel great about herself as a woman. Rock on woman!!!

The Furious Flower

So far, (and I'm knocking on every single wooden surface I can find so I don't put a hex on the whole year), 2015 is looking fabulous for our resident genius, DJ.  She, along with some of her peers,  has been selected out of over 400 NASA community college scholars to go to a NASA facility where they test rockets.  Excuse the pun, but we are all OVER THE MOON about this.  OK, not all of us-we can't track Bulldog down at work so he still doesn't know yet.

Goodwrench, (who deserves a different moniker now that he has left that line of work and works in a lab now-yeah Goodwrench!!) and Romeo are thrilled for their sister.  Flying Pig is bragging on Facebook.  Mimi is tickled pink.  Bean is so proud.

DJ is typically modest about all this.  As I read Flying Pig's Facebook post denoting her "freakishly smart, genius niece," DJ just shook her head and said, "I don't think of myself that way."  I replied, "I know you don't and that's part of what makes you so lovable."

I don't know if she'd ever have gotten this far as JD.  All that emotional, intellectual and creative effort would have been channeled into keeping up the facade of JD; JD quite possibly might never have achieved all "he" could living the false identity "he" was living.  No sooner did DJ come out as her true self than she started to blossom-and furiously!!!

#Proud mama!  If only we could reach Bulldog!! Ten bucks says he gets all choked up on the phone… 

Never too old or too young to come out

It appears more people in the public eye know, love, or possibly are, transgendered folk.  As a rule, I'm not a Hollywood follower.  I rarely watch TV anymore, only go to the movies a few times a year and never watch the awards shows, but I do take note of magazine covers when I'm standing in line at the grocery store. Granted, the magazines at the grocery store are not scholarly or peer-reviewed, but there are some whose headlines I may consider true-ish.

Bruce Jenner's transition has been in the "gossip" papers for some time.  While Jenner's look is certainly changing, far be it for me to assume that a transition it taking place, despite the appearance of it. Yet, when People magazine featured his story, I began to believe it might be true.

http://www.people.com/article/bruce-jenner-transition-whats-next

What I like about the article is that it attempts to educate in an appropriate fashion; the article explains what the term "transgender" means, to a fair enough degree.  While most of us are sheep and tend to readily accept whatever famous people do as "normal,"in this instance, it is a good thing!  Certainly, when Jenner's kin elect to broadcast the details of their personal lives on TV, they simultaneously become laughingstocks, and, to some, role models.  I shudder to think that DJ would ever engage in some of the public ridiculousness that is being Kardashian, but…well, some people simply insist on engaging in idiocy.  However, there are instances when publicity can help "normalize" others who are otherwise and inappropriately viewed as "abnormal," and are thus marginalized.

When celebrities use their status to inform, to educate, to foster equity and acceptance, not merely tolerance, they have used their privileged status well.  Kudos to Brangelina for publicly sharing their support of their child who currently seems to be living as a young boy with XX chromosomes.  Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie have shared her story of her battle with cancer in an effort to educate, but also to share their story of supporting John, their oldest biological child. I hesitate to refer to John's gender, while it may seem obvious, because until John's parents can share the gender identity John professes, far be it for me to suggest anything.  Not my place.  Nonetheless, the fact that John's birth certificate identified John as a natal female and Brangelina "permit" John to, one, be called John rather than the name they gave John, which was Shiloh, and further purchase clothing that John desires, rather than what society might dictate, all the while very much in the public eye, denotes their obvious love and acceptance of their child.  Given societal propensities to accept as gospel that which comes from the rich, famous and beautiful, it seems the Pitt/Jolie family heads have made good use of their prominent positions, while I doubt that was their goal.  Their goal was likely to simply be good parents to their kid.

http://www.advocate.com/arts-entertainment/2014/12/20/brad-pitt-and-angelina-jolie-support-their-kid-wearing-suits

It's interesting that the two individuals I mention as being possibly transgender are of such disparate ages and both appear to be embracing their true selves, and in the public eye.  I can only wonder at what it's like for Jenner as the "male" Jenner face and identity has been well-known in America for decades.  So many of us thought that winning the decathlon would be Jenner's crowning victory, when actually, coming out may be.  John's "male" name and style of dress seem to indicate John is already  out of, and perhaps was never in, the closet.  How very different experiences they are.

Truthfully, I'm thankful for those who share their stories in the public eye.  It takes enormous courage.  I'm thankful for anyone who has the courage to be themselves, because they too are in the public eye in their own worlds.  For those parents whose kids are coming out, this world is far different than it was even five years ago when conducting a search for "transgender" support led to few places.  I'm not purporting to say you have it easier, only that I'm thankful there are more faces to see that happiness for your child is possible, and to know that there are more resources available.

For my part, as I've not posted anything new regarding resources, I will do some searching and see if I can't update the links on this blog.  If anyone cares to share what they know, please do. Either enter a comment or shoot me an email. My email is openarms2lgbt@gmail.com 



Peace to you all.

DJ has a new sister

Congrats to Romeo and Juliet!!! They are recently engaged to be married.  Juliet already told DJ that they're sisters now and that, of course, DJ will be a bridesmaid.  I think DJ is tickled pink at their happiness and the promise of the sister she never had.  Good stuff :)

Mission: The STARS!

Boo-Yah!!! DJ has been accepted as a transfer student into the four year college she wanted. She'll be a physics major.  Our girl has set her sights, figuratively and literally, on the stars.  She's decided she hopes to be an astronaut someday. She's off to a great start as she completes the final stages of  her design for a Mars Rover for a NASA- sponsored study program.

Her brain is….well, it's out there.  I've said it before and I'll say it again: I have no idea where she came from 'cause there ain't nothin' in the DNA on either side of the family that will explain her brilliance! And she loves learning. She gets all giggly and talks fast and gestures…it's adorable and inspiring.

Another best part: DJ wrote a letter to the Dean of her community college thanking them for the NASA opportunity. In return, the community college published a piece on DJ in their newsletter. That led to a faculty person contacting DJ to see if she'd be interested in speaking to girls in middle school about going into the sciences.

I'm thinking back on the tough years and will readily admit, I had difficulty envisioning my child being happy. Not because she is a transgender person, but because the world can make life difficult for transgender persons.  I hoped for this kind of opportunity for her in any part of her life she chose.  Seeing it come to fruition is sublime…..astronomically sublime.