Darling and Sprite

It's been a long time since I've written and I'm not sure why I feel compelled today.  Listening to my gut is something I've learned to value in my increasing age, however, so I will listen once again this morning.

There's a new show on Amazon called "Transparent." I watched the pilot and it seems like it might be a good show.  I came to know about this show because Romeo and Juliet's good friend from college came to visit and shared this with me.  (Romeo and Julie live with us for the time being as they attempt to find decent jobs and save some money.) This good friend, who I will refer to as Darling because he is both physically and soulfully such, is gay.  He has not come out officially to his parents, although he thinks they suspect.  Their solution to his homosexuality was therapy, initially, so you can imagine that he will never share that some of this theatrical pursuits have included roles in drag.  Darling is one of those men who is not transgender, nor transexual, but does seem to enjoy the aspects of cross-dressing when he plays the role of a woman.  Frustratingly, to this woman, he looks better than most women when he is in drag!!!!

Darling shared this with me as he is a staunch supporter of DJ, naturally.  I say "naturally" not so much because he is gay and therefore more accepting of other marginalized people, although that's true, but more because Darling is naturally more accepting of anyone because that seems to be who he is.  He and I have had some remarkable conversations, some of which pertain to the topic of the transgender subject, and DJ specifically.

As a result of my sharing some of our story with Darling, I am reminded of what a remarkable journey it's been, and still is, with DJ.  The first few years were pretty rough and I frankly am concerned that my blog may have made light of our struggles.  The last thing I would want to do is paint a glossy picture so that other parents who might read this would worry that their child isn't doing as well as DJ seemed to be in my blogs.

There were so many days that I felt hopeful and I wrote prolifically on those days.  There were many, many, many days where Bulldog and I were full of despair as we watched our darling girl struggle, hurt, self-destruct, only to try again and not give up.  Some days were very dark indeed and in desperation, I acted out on more than one occasion; to his credit, Bulldog never did, however.

The worry that parents experience is double what they normally experience with their children whose insides and outsides match.  Parents whose children have other significant challenges may understand this dynamic, as well.  Raising children who are pretty much the norm is hard enough; raising children with special attributes is harder.  To be a "good enough" parent for most kids is simply "good enough."  To be a "good enough" parent to a child with special attributes or special needs requires the parent to be more than "good enough" and it's not easy.

It's important for parents to know that when you falter, and you will, as long as you continue to love and accept your child, you have not failed.  If you failed to love and accept your child well, you are permitted another chance to try again, in most cases.  Most kids (even adult kids) just want their parents to love and accept them.

DJ is doing quite well but it took four and half years to get here.  She recently came off of her mood-stabilizing medications and is doing well.  She actually took a road trip to see a friend at college and had a great time. We will call this friend "Sprite" as she is a tiny little person with a joyful personality despite some devastating personal losses.  Sprite has been a wonderful friend to DJ and we were worried about her leaving for her college which was three hours away.  But it doesn't seem to deter their friendship and it's provided DJ with an impetus to strike out on her own a bit more.

She continues to love physics and loves learning. This has sustained her in many of her dark and lonely moments.  Music, learning, physics were her friends many times, when her other friends deserted her.   It sounds sad, and in some ways, is sad; but her resilience was in finding solace in these friends, for which Bulldog and I are grateful.

Know that this parent of a transgender young adult is always thinking of other transgender kids, and their families, as well as transgender adults who are finding a way to conduct their lives and be true to themselves.  All of you folks are an as yet undiscovered wealth of strength and information that others would be lucky to embody.  Peace to you all and I will be in touch again.

Networking

Folks,

I've been blessed, yup, that's right, BLESSED, with forming pen pal relationships with two moms because of this blog.  One fantastic mom lives in Australia.  Her daughter came out to her family in the last couple of years and they are definitely plugging along well.  The other fantastic mom lives here in America, I believe somewhere along the east coast, and her son came out somewhat recently and they too are sticking together as family.  I am so lucky that these women are sharing their stories with me, and that I get to share mine with them, all because of our remarkable children. Maybe someday, the three of us can all meet up someday….and perhaps include a fourth English woman who is remarkable, as well, having transitioned in her 40s, quite bravely and, it seems to me, elegantly. I hope she knows who she is :)

In the interest of helping other transgender teens, adults and family of transgender folk, the American mom forward me a couple of links that are definitely worth sharing.  The first is a "Ted Talk"-I'm not sure if these are popular in other parts of the world, but they are fairly popular here in America.  Remarkable people share their stories…..  

https://www.ted.com/talks/norman_spack_how_i_help_transgender_teens_become_who_they_want_to_be


The other is more distinctly American:  it's a petition requesting that we get away from the binary gender identification requirements.  I gotta tell ya, unless you're trying to sell something, why do you need to know my gender?  Really?  It's just another way of attempting to label folks or put them in a box.


https://petitions.whitehouse.gov/petition/legally-recognize-non-binary-genders/j5KvDVvh

It's spring here in America.  Many religions have significant holidays this time of year, and with good reason as it is a season of birth and rebirth.  And for many folks, often the rebirth is more significant than the birth itself…..Peace to you all.

Love > Hate

Folks,

The following doesn't address transgender folks specifically, but does address that families come in all shapes and sizes.  The members of the family do, as well.

Love is always at least ten times greater than hate.


http://www.bilerico.com/2014/04/watch_honey_maids_response_to_anti-gay_haters_is_a.php

007

DJ is always tweaking her fashion style.  This is usually a reflection of how she is feeling any given day.  She is nearly 19 years old-her birthday is less than two months away-and can now wear certain items of clothing that Bulldog would have frowned on previously. (He is still not thrilled, but acquieces to her choices.)  A few weeks ago, on getting new glasses, she decided to don clothing to match her new look-sort of;  she normally wears contacts, but keeps a pair of glasses to give her eyes a break.  Typically, she doesn't care to wear her glasses to class or out in public.  But this time, she had chosen frames that gave her a studious look.  So, she donned a black bustier, which she wore over a white collared shirt, and added the studious looking glasses. She posted a picture on FB stating a friend christened her look the "sexy librarian."  (Yes, Bulldog was elated…..not.)

This morning, on returning from grocery shopping, I walk in to see her wearing the following:  a black turtleneck that is normally meant as cold-weather athletic attire, black leggings and black shorts over the  leggings.

"Is this your 'secret spy' look?", I asked.

"Yeah….(self conscious giggle) I guess so.  It's so beautiful out I took Keira (our German Shepherd) out for a walk and then did some yoga out on the deck,"  she replied.  This, to explain her attire, I suppose.

She's entering a "battle of the bands" at college in the next few weeks and is fretting about which song to choose.  She looks at me as if I have the answer...

"Don't ask me-you've written tons of stuff and I can't remember which is which."

DJ says, "Well, I've only written a few really good songs."

"Well, then, that should narrow it down for you, right?"

Not the answer she wanted to hear, I guess.

While she continues to scour through her prolific creations, I will begin our vegetarian dinner.  Wait, why isn't she cooking?  She's the vegetarian!!

Another one bites the dust

And another one falls…..

Here in America, despite our Constitution clearly stating that no state can pass a law that inhibits the rights or privileges of any of its citizens, we still have many states that are attempting to pass laws that prohibit gay and lesbian people from marrying.  Kentucky attempted to do just that, somewhat recently.  However, the Kentucky Supreme court struck it down;  a Kentucky citizen wanted to appeal the decision….this was the Attorney General's response:

For those folks not familiar with this part of America, Kentucky is in the "Bible Belt" and oftentimes, those states would prefer laws that were more in keeping with their Christian religion, even if those laws violate the Constitution.  Often, the argument in defense of this is that our "founding fathers were Christian" which is true;  however, those same founding fathers deliberately separated the powers of the church from the powers of the state when they agreed to the wording of the First Amendment of the Constitution.  The fact that this separation was part of the first amendment speaks to its importance.  

Discrimination is a losing battle.  It's not dead in the water yet, but it's certainly gasping for air.  Take heart and remember  Martin Luther King, Jr.'s words:  We shall overcome. 

Weekend at Bulldog's

We at Transitioning Family are always on the lookout for links that might be helpful to the GLBTQ community, as well as to loved ones of that community.  We are fortunate to have a subscriber, who is a great mom to her son who just came out to his family recently;  she passed on a link to a book that might be helpful to teens in the GLBTQ community:

http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/1575423634/ref=ox_sc_act_title_1?ie=UTF8&psc=1&smid=ATVPDKIKX0DER


Big thanks to Swan!



We, at the house of Bulldog, had a great weekend.

DJ woke up with her hair looking like the Greek guy on the show Ancient Aliens.

So, she posted a pic on FB, similar to the one above, denoting just that.  Love that girl!

She has also completely won over a family friend.  We'll call this guy Warrior Doc because he is both a soldier and a physician's assistant.  Romeo, Juliet and DJ all think he looks like a Jedi from Star Wars, because he's pretty imposing looking.  Tall, handsome, piercing blue eyes, shaved head and goatee-like beard, he's also disarmingly quiet until you get to know him.  He and Bulldog met through work.  Both men have been through some harrowing events in their line of work and Warrior Doc spent many weeks with us between tours in Afghanistan.  He is now safely settled stateside, thank goodness, and we see him every so often when he comes to spend a weekend with us at our place.

Warrior Doc didn't know DJ was transgender until a few weeks ago when Bulldog shared it with him.  I had mentioned to Warrior Doc that DJ "came out" so he thought I meant she was lesbian. He asked Bulldog, stating it didn't matter to him one way or the other, but was curious.  Bulldog shared DJ's coming out story and Warrior Doc adores her even more, I think.  And the best part is how much DJ loves Warrior Doc.  She makes him laugh and he cracks her up, as well.

Warrior Doc is a big favorite with Goodwrench, Romeo and Juliet, as well.  And I think he likes being around our kids-the first time I saw him really laugh after 18 months in Afghanistan, was playing a game called, "Cards against Humanity." cardsagainsthumanity.com

This game is crude, socially unacceptable, and therefore, very much enjoyed in our household.  That was when all members of our family gelled with Warrior Doc-our kids made Warrior Doc laugh out loud, which made them think he was the bomb.  And I think Warrior Doc may be one of DJ's biggest music fans.  He likes to be supplied with her latest compositions.  Good stuff-no?

We all ate too much, played games and watched movies until 2 in the morning.  It's no wonder DJ's hair looked like it did!  To know that girl is to love her ;)

LGBTQ-friendly Nun

Does your family struggle with religious fears about your "non-conforming" gender identity?  Do you struggle with a loved one's gender identity? This article is about a Catholic nun who seeks to remind people that God loves us all regardless of who we love, or whether our bodies and senses of self differ from each other.  If God created us in His image, then why are there two "official" genders and not one?  And if there are two, might there be more?  Or none?  Isn't it possible that God is neither male nor female, or perhaps both, or having aspects of both?

If you believe in God, then why limit God?

This woman is inspiring-trangender people need to know how many are championing their cause.  Please spread the word….

http://america.aljazeera.com/features/2014/3/transgender-and-catholic.html

Many thanks to my sister-in-law, Malone, a practicing Catholic, for sharing this.  We love you lady!