Lives touching

DJ is quite happy in the choices of classes she's currently taking.  She's decided to pursue a degree in physics which will require her transferring to a four year college on completion of her associate's degree from a local community college.

This local community college is actually a town over from where we live.  There's another one even a bit further away, but that would require travel into the "big city" which she doesn't relish.  Last semester, she crossed paths with former high school classmates, and it completely unnerved her and she dropped the class.  We completely supported that decision, and, in fact, encouraged her to reconsider the drive into the "big city"; especially since it's not actually a big city, just an incredibly congested suburb of a big city.  She really likes her community college and looked forward to taking continued classes with some of her professors and elected to stay the course.

This semester, she shares a single class with a single former classmate from high school.  In fact, she's known this kid since she was a small child.  This young man knew DJ as JD from ages 6-14.  She said she initially tried to avoid him, but ended up being assigned to his group the first day.  After some slight awkwardness, they apparently got on quite well.  "He's different now," she says.  He's determined to make good grades, and is dedicated to school.  Keep in mind, this kid was never mean spirited to her, so I shouldn't be wary......but.....well, I still am.

She can be too trusting-or Bulldog and I fear that.  We worry that somehow her old life will bleed into this new one that has, with great care, been created.  She's worked hard to create this new life that encompasses her true self, as have we.  It makes me nervous, having these two lives touching like this.  I remember the pain and the fear that we all experienced when she first came out.  She really thought all those friends would accept.  They could accept the theory, but couldn't get past the new girl in the dress.  When they couldn't, it sent her into a spiral and us too.  It took a year and a half to climb out of that pit.  I don't want her, or us, to go back.

I try to remember that she has matured and has truly grown into herself which makes her less vulnerable....the realization brings some comfort but I'm still edgy.  I will keep this to myself, however, or only share with Bulldog, but not with DJ.  I've expressed my opinion about exercising caution when extending trust to people-which is true for all of us.  I made it a short, 2 minute conversation. I am bound and determined to not be worrisome in a way that she'll see, but man, does this make me
 nervous!!!

I'm curious-other parents out there, or any transgender folks who care to comment-is the climate changing out there?  It seems so, in the media, anyhow.  But what is it like in the schools and the neighborhoods?  Are the younger kids who transition more accepted than the older ones?  Does age have any bearing?   I hope someone will chime in.  I think there are some parents who might like to network.  I know I would be happy to be part of such a network.

Asking for what you need

A couple of weeks ago some sadder memories popped into my head.  I try not to ruminate on such things too frequently, but I thought sharing them might be valuable in the event some of you may be experiencing something akin to the happenings around here when DJ first came out.

Admittedly, despite the overly bright picture I fear I've presented throughout this blog, those first couple of months were somewhat dark.  What I remember most about the "dark" aspects was the loneliness.  Despite the fact that both sides of the family completely embraced DJ and accepted her, I recall our little family being alone, quite a bit.  Both Goodwrench and Romeo were living away, at school, so DJ, Bulldog and I were home, in our small, rural town, where we were uncertain as to what to expect from our inner circle of close friends and the circle outside of that, of friends, in general.  I remember, keenly, feeling frightened for DJ's safety, as well, which only heightened my sense of isolation.

At the time, I had family living up the street and a few miles away.  They supported DJ so what I'm about to say might seem ungrateful;  I don't mean it to be.  Those folks were integral in making DJ feel loved and accepted.  But what I recall is a long, hot, isolated summer with little to do and no one to do much of anything with.

Some of our friends and acquaintances knew about DJ's coming out, some did not. On July 4th of that year, some friends, who did not yet know, were having a July 4th party a mile from our home.  All of my family members attended.  We did not.  It was too soon and the hosts of the party did not know about DJ yet.  Bulldog, DJ and I spent that day doing absolutely nothing except hanging out.  And not one family member dropped by to see how we were, despite being one mile away.  That's two sisters, their spouses, my mother, and a cousin.  It stings each time I recall it.

We were supporting DJ but Bulldog and I needed support too.  Someone to remember that get togethers like that weren't possible yet for us-not yet.  I try to remember that people all tend to be in their own little bubbles and often don't think of (what might seem like, to us) the obvious needs of others.  What if I had just asked any one of them to drop in and visit for a few minutes?  Or maybe Bulldog and I should have been a bit more creative and taken DJ on a road trip to get out of town for a day or two.  Neither of those solutions occurred to me at the time.

So, I say this to families who are in a similar predicament:  this place of "flux" will not last forever BUT, and this  is a significant BUT, your predicament can be isolating at first.  Just four years ago, I could only find one or two resources for transgender people and none of them were within 50 miles of us.  That is likely less true today than it was even four years ago.  Search online for support.  And if you have even one family member or friend, ask for help.  Ask for a visit.  Tell them you're feeling a bit lonely for company as you try to re-introduce your child.  You're so busy being strong for your kid and kudos to you for that.  But you gotta refill the tank or you'll run out of gas.  Some days, you'll need support almost as much as your kid does.  Not because having a transgender kid is draining, in and of itself, but because, unfortunately, being "different" in this world can be draining.  And if your kid is no longer living at home but has just recently decided to transition, this is where you can help. What if your son has only told one or two friends of his decision to transition? Is he alone on a Friday night?  Is your daughter going to be spending a 3 day weekend with nothing to do? Ask your kid to come home and dote on him or her for the weekend.  We often want to give our grown kids "space", but maybe "space" is not what  your kid needs right now.  And if she does need space, she'll tell you, "No thanks."  As hard as it is for us to ask for help, it might be even harder for them, especially if they're feeling unnecessary guilt for "putting" their parents through "this" (their transition).

There are a fair number of blogs by folks who are going through situations such as this.  Use them. Write to the authors, make comments.  It's possible someone may answer.  That alone can make you feel less alone in the process.  Most importantly-do NOT think the isolation you may experience is a failing on your part or a failing on your child's part.  Most people just can't understand the magnitude of transition, despite how hard they try.  And they are often unsure of what to do to help.  It's no one's fault, but you may be able to remedy it simply by asking, "You want to swing by for just a few minutes?  We could use some company since our social life is kind of limited at the moment."  Sure wish I had done that.....

Lickin' my wounds

It's Christmas time. DJ and I were just pulling out some decorations for the house this morning.  It's snowing out, and we're headed over to our neighbor's for an open house in a little bit.  As we decorate the house, DJ and I are going back and forth between other activities:  she with finding every Khan Academy YouTube video she can find on physics (she's had a change in career plans) and I with watching "Father of the Bride II."

It's kind of a cheesy movie but it held my attention because I like Steve Martin and Martin Short is hilarious as the gay interior designer.  The movie proceeds to where the daughter is going into labor with the first grandchild.  It hits me like a ton of bricks that DJ will not experience this aspect of womanhood and motherhood, despite the fact that she may very much want to;  nor will I be able to be there with her as she experiences this, which I know I very much want to.

I wasn't one of those women who treasured her pregnancies.  They were all a means to an end to me.  And while giving birth was one of the toughest moments of my life, it was amazing going through it.  Since that time, I've been fortunate enough to assist a friend as she gave birth and I've been very lucky to be part of other women's birthing processes.  I cry nearly every time out of wonder and joy.  Connecting with women as they get to the transition phase of labor  has always been so meaningful to me.  It turns out I am a good coach and I feel honored to be able to assist by offering them emotional and physical comfort and support.

Five years ago, I knew I would likely not be part of a daughter-in-law's birthing process as she might want her mother there.  But after DJ came out, I started to realize that I wanted all those rights of passage that moms of daughters get to have, if their daughters choose the path of motherhood AND are fortunate enough to go through the "old fashioned" path of becoming a mother.  But we've been so busy with loving our daughter in the here and now, that the future is not always uppermost in our minds.

So,  I'm watching this cheesy movie and truly, it hits me like a ton of bricks: she won't be able to experience this aspect of motherhood and I won't be able to experience it with her.  The unfairness and sadness was so acute, my eyes immediately filled with tears and my throat was aching.  I pulled Bulldog into our room because I felt like I needed to share it or it would never go away.

He, of course, wanted to fix me by reminding me of what may still be possible for DJ and I don't disagree. She is very likely to be a mother if she chooses;  she may find a lovely woman to share her life with who will give birth to their child, but what Bulldog doesn't understand is a concept that women who can't get pregnant and give birth will understand completely.  We can always be thankful for what we have, and we're allowed to grieve what we may not have, as well; not instead of, necessarily, but in addition to.

I won't share this with DJ.  It would serve no purpose whatsoever.  If and when she experiences this sense of loss, Bulldog and I will help her through it.  I'll just get  my experience of loss over with now so I can be there for her if and when she experiences her own sense of loss. Still, right, wrong or indifferent, childish or not.....it's still so unfair, once again.

DJ's first wedding

Two weeks ago, DJ attended the first family wedding since she came out four years ago. Nightingale got married and we were thrilled to share in her day.

DJ and I had attended Nightingale's shower sometime back-another first for her by way of "female traditions."  Most of "the Roses" were there:  this is a nickname the female granddaughters share as they each took their grandmother's name in one form or another.  DJ took this name as one of her middle names when she changed her name a couple of years ago, which touched her grandfather.

So, we ordered her a fabulous dress and as the morning of the wedding dawned, DJ was a bit nervous. She indicated that it was because she was going to be around a lot of people she hadn't seen in awhile and many she didn't know.  I reassured her, as we met her aunt and uncle (Bulldog's sister and brother-in-law who we'll call Samba King and Tenderheart) for breakfast, that meeting up with them would be a great way to get her feet wet since both of them are such gentle souls.  Sure enough, an hour later, she felt more confidant after breakfasting with Samba King and Tenderheart who fussed over her.

At the wedding, she and her cousin, who we'll call Belle (because she reminds me of the cartoon heroine, she's so pretty and sweet) acted like two young ladies do at weddings:  they danced and giggled.  Then her cousin Sullivan (whom I name after "Annie Sullivan" the "miracle worker" of the Helen Keller story because of her gift with autistic children) got her dancing, and Sullivan's husband, Golf Junkie, got her laughing.

Then her beloved Uncle Raucous asked her to dance.  He's had a special place in his heart for DJ from when she was known as JD.  JD used to give Uncle Raucous hell, which made Raucous roar with laughter.  I think it was more of an adjustment for him than he ever let on to let go of JD, but he has completely embraced DJ, as evidenced by his dance invitation.

When all the Roses gathered for a photo for Grandpa (who was ill and only a week  from passing away), DJ included, of course, I nearly cried.  Then, for the last song of the night, Bulldog excused himself from asking me to dance so he could ask his other best girl, his only daughter, to dance.  It was too sweet for words.  Yes, it was definitely Nightingale and Sir Nightingale's night (he too is an RN), but it was a wonderful evening for our girl too.  Good stuff all around :)

How to be non-agressively battle ready

Dear Family members whose loved one is Transgender,

If your child has just come out to you, you will be in the middle of one of the hardest conversations you will ever have.  And it will be the first of many.  You might have to figure out how to explain to the staff at your pediatrician's office to start calling your child Jesse instead of Jessica.  You might have to break the news to your child's guitar instructor that last week, he knew your child as Nathan and now he must be ok with the same kid arriving on Thursdays after school, going by the name of Nancy and be prepared for Nancy to be wearing what any child named Nancy might be wearing.

These conversations can be awkward.  You may feel paralyzed with fear about what may happen.  You might even worry what the person on the receiving end of your message might be thinking of you.  Awkward is an understatement:  excruciating, terrifying, mortifying might be more accurate.  And then, don't be surprised if these feelings are all accompanied by a chaser of GUILT:  guilt that you are worried about yourself, guilt that you don't want to have these conversations, guilt that you may wish your kid's insides matched her outsides so you could avoid all  of this.

What will follow are the even harder conversations: explanations to Great Aunt Mary how the kid she played cards with that one late night is growing her hair out, and no longer wears the oversized t-shirt and baggy jeans like her brothers did.  The conversation where you draw the line in the sand for any family member or friend who will not accept your child as the person he or she knows that he or she really is, regardless of what the genitalia and birth certificate say.

Fake it 'til you make it, ladies and gents. If you speak apologetically during these conversations, you will be treated as if you (or your child) have done something wrong; if you speak as you're frightened, don't be surprised by an angry response; if you speak as if you feel responsible, you will likely be cast as the "bad parent."  BUT, if you speak as if naturally you would believe your child, naturally you will support your child, naturally you will treat your child as he or she wants to be treated, and naturally you expect the person to whom you are speaking to do the same, you are more likely to be facing a person who will acquiesce, whether that person accepts your message as truth or not.  Your best defense is an excellent offense, but we don't need to be offensive.  Simply straightforward and matter-of-fact would be the best posture.  You are forewarning the listener of what exactly you will tolerate by your calm and confident demeanor (again-fake it, if necessary!!) which is this:  I will tolerate your questions, your unknowing misunderstanding and your confusion.  I will not tolerate your willful ignorance or misunderstanding of my child and my decision to support and love my child.

Put on your suit of armor before you do this, however.  It would be foolhardy to go to a gunfight with a squirt gun.

For more support in this, listen to what this fabulous woman has to say about hard conversations and closets:

http://www.upworthy.com/a-4-year-old-girl-asked-a-lesbian-if-shes-a-boy-she-responded-the-awesomest-way-possible?c=gad1


And keep supporting your child-you're wonderful!!!

Absurd Parents

DJ has decided to go full vegetarian-no fish either.  She now eats nothing that actively breathes or urinates.  Sorry to be so blunt!  Bulldog and I are running out of meal ideas and I don't know that I necessarily want to adapt favorite meals to her liking.

"What about Chicken and Dumplings?  What do I make now.....just dumplings," I asked.

"Well, yeah," she replied.

"That's just dumb," was my intelligent retort.

Bulldog and I agree that she needs to make dinner for all of us now.  We don't mind eating as she does, we just aren't terribly creative in the vegetarian cuisine world.  We've worn out our handful of recipes rather quickly. Besides, her royal highness is pushing 19 years of age. She can cook more often.

I can practically hear her in my head decrying, "I cook!"  Brownies are not dinner.

Have I ever mentioned that she does nothing wrong.....ever?  According to her?  And the kicker is, as she's denying the mess that is her room, and stepping over any number of obstacles as she does so, she's got this innocent yet slightly exasperated expression on her face, as if to say, "What?  Whatever could you mean when you say my room is a disaster area?"

Or, if the evidence we supply is undeniable in its support of our assessment of a housekeeping skill that she needs to improve, she will dismiss us with, "That's absurd."  Yup-that's right.....she actually uses the word, "absurd."  She practically sniffs the word as she says it.  Yet, neither Bulldog or I can get mad because she somehow manages to be so nicely mild-mannered that we barely notice that we've been dismissed.  By the time we realize it, the moment for correction has passed, or it just doesn't seem so important.

Have you ever watched the movie, "Signs?"  There are multiple scenes where the daughter leaves numerous glasses of water ALL. OVER. THE HOUSE!  This is how DJ lives.  I have found 7 glasses in her room, another 3 down in the rec room by the piano, and an additional 1on the coffee table, on any given Saturday morning.  When I point this out, in mock anger, she just laughs because when she's absurd, it's funny. And it really is.

She somehow manages to become more charming all the time.....

Old friends, new friends

It's been awhile since I've made contact with any of you fine folks who check in on DJ from time to time.  Care to share what's happening in your lives?