Beginning the young adult years

So, we are off on our next adventure with DJ.  She is coming up with a more definitive plan for her future.  She spent two weeks with Apple and her family, and now DJ hopes to return there next year and pursue her degree there.  Bulldog and I are quite happy for her and hope her plans come to fruition.

However, DJ is a sprite and a procrastinator, of sorts.  She is a true butterfly in that she may have a strong sense of direction, but sometimes the slightest gust of wind can throw her off course.  And then she gets distracted by some pretty flowers and forgets her way back to her original direction, until prodded.

She will be traveling slightly further from home for her classes this year.  This is a good thing as the post-secondary institution is in a more urban setting than where she is now.  She will be exposed to more cultures and beliefs than in our small town.  This would serve anyone well, but I think it will help her dating situation.

DJ has had a few young men interested in her.  One is still pursuing her, and she merely acts as if she doesn't see his advances as having a romantic connection.  She engaged in a 4 month relationship with a nice young man, and then ended it stating that she really didn't think boys were her cup of tea, after all.  While she was visiting Apple. she crossed paths with a young woman who inspired her to write a fantastic song.

DJ had expressed that she felt attracted to girls to me before.  Once she played this song for Bulldog and me, we came to see that she was sharing with us what her orientation is.  Not that we care.  In fact, I've said this before and I'll say it again:  I believe that if DJ decides to share her history with the person she falls in love with and hopes to spend her life with, the odds are more in her favor of her mate accepting her history if her mate is a woman rather than a man.

Now that many states in America are moving toward allowing gay marriage, and even if DJ resides, someday, in a state that doesn't legally recognize gay marriage, we look forward to a wedding and frankly don't care if there are two brides, or a bride and a groom.  We look forward to her being a mother and our only concern is helping her to that end in any way we can.

Back to my point:  maybe DJ will meet a nice girl that she can hang out with as a friend, or as her date.

Whatever makes her happy :)

Proceed with caution

I mentioned yesterday my paranoia about DJ's anonymity.  I blame myself for some of my paranoia because of a decision I made almost two years ago to share my identity in my local area.  A big mistake I think.  I thought it was coming from a wanting to be brave like my daughter, but I failed to have long-term perspective.

There have been a handful of folks who have successfully transitioned and are "flying under the radar", meaning their former lives have been left in the past.....or so they thought.  With today's technology, outing someone publicly is so easy, as is getting access to someone's past.  This haunts me-there are yearbooks with JD's picture in them.  What if, for the sake of argument, DJ went on to become some well known musician...how long would it take before some @$$hole, with an axe to grind, who is jealous of her success, to float the pic of JD out on the net?  Or worse:  What if something I posted on my blog comes to light that serves to out her?

I didn't understand that there are even people in the LGBT community who might find it useful to use her success story to their advantage, even if it means causing her accidental harm.  Damn those rose colored glasses that I wore for too long!!!  Thankfully, I have a friend who has shared her perspective about the importance of caution.  Thanks to that Australian lassie!

We encourage DJ to look outside of our town for schooling and for job prospects, as well as social outings.  This has worked well for her and she is considering even driving a bit further out for school next year, as well as for a part time job.  There is much more acceptance in the area she is considering.  This upcoming year, while attending community college, she will start planning for a four year university to complete her studies in music, most likely.  Then she will be able to spread her wings more fully.  But I will likely always be looking over my shoulder for her.  I don't want her to worry about such things, so Bulldog and I will instead :)  We'll caution her to be selective about what she shares but I think she's savvy to the importance of discretion.  We all continue to learn....

Parents who are new to this:  be cautious and guard both your privacy and that of your child covetously.  At the same time, do not beat yourself up about not thinking far enough ahead.  (I will attempt to listen to my own advice!)  Your child may have an, "I don't give a damn what people think; I am who I am," perspective, out of fatigue from living a false life for so long.  It's SO understandable, but you MUST guide them until they are of age to make an informed decision for themselves.

However, there are some brave parents who are going public with their outcry on behalf of their very young transgender children.  These folks may be the exception but I'm not sure, personally.  I admire their courage, and think that their children will fare well since they transitioned so young that very few will get as "outraged" when the only "proof" that can be produced of the child's previous life is a picture of a gender neutral appearing five year old.  Let's face it, remove the trappings, i.e., clothing and haircuts, and most children appear somewhat androgynous when looking at their little faces.  It's when a picture of an "obviously" male or female person is juxtaposed against a picture of the person living as his or her true self that people tend to react to because the "difference" in gender seems more "obvious."  That's the nature of our very visually-oriented society.  So, these parents of very young children may be where one of the answers to societal acceptance lies.  We are more empathetic to a child who appears somewhat androgynous.  But who knows how their kids will feel 20 years from now?  It's too soon to tell, but I for one will not find fault with them.  I would only remind any parent who is raising a child who may be subject to deliberate or accidental misunderstanding and ridicule to proceed with caution, while being quick to forgive themselves if they make a mistake.  My thoughts are with you <3.

It's Graduation Day....sorta

Long time, no chat.  This is largely because I fret about DJ's anonymity.  In fact, I often feel paranoid about it, but that is a potential topic for another time.

Today, high schools all over the place are holding their graduation ceremonies.  We've experienced this twice with Goodwrench and Romeo but will not be experiencing it with DJ.  Yes-she has officially graduated high school, but no, she is not taking part in the graduation ceremony at the high school from which she officially graduated.

This is a decision that she made, and Bulldog and I support.  Had she decided to "walk" on graduation day, we would have supported that, too.  It was a long and tough haul getting her to this point:  she went through three hospitalizations in 18 months, one of which to bring her outers in line with her inners, the other two related to stress and eating disorder.

I feel sad today but hope that this is the last milestone that is markedly different than what she might want.  I'm trying to be positive.  There have been so many other celebrations she has missed because she was hidden, then so many more because she wasn't accepted, the prom and graduation among them.

Dynamo was kind enough to remember us today stating that DJ's name was in the program and that she saved one for us.  She has been an unbelievably supportive and loving friend and mentor for DJ and for me.  I am so touched she thought of us today.

When DJ made the decision, she stated, "I really only went there for one  year. I don't feel a real connection to it."  Understandable, certainly.

She's our last to graduate.  When Goodwrench and Romeo graduated, it was exciting and fun to see them cross the stage and celebrate with their friends afterward.  I wanted that for her and for us.  Getting DJ to this point was a much greater challenge than it was for her brothers because of social dynamics and medical considerations.  A celebration is even more warranted for her, in my opinion.  We're having a party for her, a rather small affair, at her request, and then a few days after that, she'll be heading overseas to see Apple in the company of Sister Chromatid, so she won't fare too badly, I don't think.  But I'm still lickin' my wounds a bit.  Maybe it's just for me....in fact, I think it is.  DJ seems to be nonplussed by this and spent the afternoon hanging out with a friend she met at community college.

It helps realizing that this is one of the last milestones of youth that she will experience differently because of her former life.  That's not to say she won't have other decisions in the future related to her previous life, but there is nothing else to stand in her way for college, or jobs, or parties, because high school was the last vestige of her previous life.  She did, we did it.  <Big SIGH of relief>

To Air or not to Err

Such a conundrum that has presented itself....so much a conundrum to drag me out of my Blog reclusiveness.....

DJ did so well last semester:  happy in the community college, found herself a sweetheart, wrote a helluva paper in defense of gay marriage and then had another set back.  We're rebounding now-much quicker than last time but it's not easy.  She is SUCH a teenager and in many ways, we've noticed a slight regression.  It's almost like she's trying to make up for lost time-can ya blamer her?  We can't.

Then, out of the blue, I get contacted by an organization interested in talking to us about our parenting.  Of course, being Bulldog's beloved, my hackles stand up initially.  But, I did a snippet of research and it seems legitimate, this organization dedicated to telling others' stories in a respectable manner.  Do we share to encourage others, even if it may make DJ more identifiable, somehow, to someone who wants to know about her previous life?

I read a book recently:  Far from the tree by Andrew Solomon.  Brave folks shared their gut-wrenching stories and it opened my eyes.  Do we owe that to others?  It's certainly worth thinking about....

For Alexander and his mom...

DJ and I are hangin' out watching "Friends" reruns.  Both of us tend to be night owls lately.  Last night she decided to disprove Curry's Paradox.  Look it up on Google because I am too geometrically-challenged to be able to explain what Curry's Paradox is.  Luckily for me, it involved a picture!  Suffice it to say she was pulling out colored pencils, graph paper and a ruler last night at 11:30 to start disproving the paradox.  Bulldog asked her why;  was it competition or something?  It's difficult for both Bulldog and me to understand why anyone would think it's fun to use not one but two different mathematical formulas to disprove the paradox just for "the fun of it" but we're not going to knock it.  It sure as hell beats video games.

Have I mentioned before that I have no idea where she came from?  Our genes don't indicate that our offspring would have such qualities.  Sarcasm, shortness of stature, ability to spread our toes-these are our genetic gifts.  DJ missed out on pretty much all of those and ended up with freakishly good abilities that require both the right brain and the left brain.

Today we were returning from running some errands and DJ informed me that she gets carsick when the sun gets in her eyes.  I suggested she get her sunglasses out of her purse.  She said, "Oh, here they are."  She turns to show me these goofball kelly green sunglasses with the lenses popped out.  We both start laughing hysterically.  How lucky am I to end up with this lovable goofball of a daughter?  I'm so glad she's DJ-our relationship is only what a mother can have with a daughter.

Don't get me wrong-I treasure my relationships with Romeo and Goodwrench.  They are GREAT people and great sons.  But DJ and I relate the way only two women can.  Sometimes Bulldog just shakes his head at our antics but I don't think he minds being outnumbered too terribly.  She can poke at him like no one else can and he eats it up.  I'll bet he never would have foreseen this when DJ first came out to us.

I heard from a young man whose mom is trying to be supportive of his coming out as her son.  I hope he understands what a good start that is.  That's where we were nearly two and half years ago.  It's night and day coming from where we were to where we are.  Wanting to try, wanting to be supportive is more than half the battle.  So if Alexander's mom is reading-hang in there.  As long as you keep wanting to be there for your son, as long as you're willing to try, to call him by his name and make constant efforts to use the right pronoun, you will get to the point of embracing this young man and loving him for him.  Yes-missing that other child doesn't ever completely leave, but when you look at your son, try to remember that the core of the child has not changed.  And if no one has told you this yet, Alexander's mom, you're a good mom for trying.  You would be shocked at what some people experience at the hands of their parents.  It's heartbreaking.  I'm pulling for you!!

Long time, no speak

Insomnia sucks but it has led me back to you fine folks.  I will take this opportunity of sans sleep to give you a little heads-up on the DJ scene.

Speaking of scene-did anyone else know that this- "scene"-is a fashion style?  It's one DJ has embraced wholeheartedly in the last couple of months.  The early part of summer was rough in many respects but it's amazing what changing medications can do especially when the new doctor points out that the old doctor had her on a dosage roughly five times higher than what he would have recommended.  After that switch, we had our old DJ back-pretty much all the time again. 

She's perky, she's goofy, she's composing music like mad and she's "scene".  She went to the salon for a brand new "do" that is stinkin' adorable.  Admittedly, as 8 and 10 inches of hair were falling to the floor of the salon, my heart sank and I actually thought:

We've spent the last two years helping you achieve the feminine look and now you're cutting all your hair off?

I was dead wrong-she's even prettier.  You can see the delicate structure of her face more readily now.  She has a very edgey look that is actually quite flattering.  I think her appearance, her "look" is a form of expression for her. 

She's enrolled in community college to finish out her senior year in high school and is quite happy with the decision.  It's a much free-er atmosphere and no one freaks out if she wears a tank top.  The dress code rules at her former high school are becoming ridiculous. 

The check-ups at the surgeon's are revealing that all procedures were a smashing success.  Science is truly amazing, is all I can say.  DJ was granted "permission" to purchase real bras now.  Until last week, sports bras were all she was permitted until she got to a certain point in the healing process.  So, after school, we hit Kohl's and little Miss Thing came home with three new bras, a cute dress and striped knee socks that had, "I love nerds" printed on them. 

DJ and Sister Chromatid are back in their friendship groove again.  Apple has invited DJ to bring Sister Chromatid to visit England next summer as a graduation gift.  She's promising a weekend in Paris.  The girls are thrilled beyond belief. 

Bulldog and I are finally letting our guard down a bit. DJ's weight and appetite are healthy, her depression has lifted, she's healed up nicely and is getting back to her life again.  We're trying not to look over our shoulders so much-a tough habit to break when you've gotten used to trouble creeping up on you repeatedly.  Romeo and Goodwrench are both doing great too as are Juliet and Gellar.  Time to coast a little bit....

What's next?

I had taken a hiatus from blogging.  My heart just wasn't in it.  I was, and am, on some new-fangled kind of journey and blogging about my "transgender" daughter seemed disingenuous.  Why?  (and I hope I do not offend the transgender community when I say this) because DJ....is... just....a girl.

Ok, Ok, I know that might piss people off as if I'm covertly saying there is something to be ashamed of to be a transgendered person.  There isn't-if you have read any of my previous posts, I think I've made that clear enough.  I can't explain the change in me.  Yes, it's partly because of the change in DJ-she has female parts top and bottom now.  Does this make her a girl?  NO-she was already a girl.  So what's different?

I will explore this as I write-who knows how it will come out.

For me, and most definitely for her, there was the fear of her being found to have "male" parts.  We all have our fears and most of them are based on our life experiences.  That is certainly true for me.  At the heart of it all was my concern that if someone, somehow, found that DJ had "male" parts, that they would classify her as a freak and treat her as such.  We know what this world does to people who it believes are freaks....2000 years ago they left you to die.  Today, that might be comparatively merciful considering what torture those who don't fit the mould are subject to.

To me, Transgender equaled a medical diagnosis.  It was an answer to the "Why" of my daughter having "male" parts.  It was rational and could be explained.  Don't get me wrong-I don't think anyone should have to explain themselves in general.  But if one is faced with some sort of anguish due to the misunderstanding of another person, we want to be able to mitigate that, if possible, to save ourselves from pain.  It's natural.  The Transgender word was that, for me.

If we are cautious, and "erase" evidence of DJ's former identity, then perhaps she can live a life without worry of being "found out".  In other words, she can just be a girl.  Not a transgender girl, not a girl who used to be a boy, but just a regular girl who loves hair and makeup, music and art, techno and action adventure movies, physics and ancient alien shows.

DJ is doing well for the most part but the past six months have been anything but normal for her. She has traveled between home and hospitals, and nowhere else, these past six months.  She is hesitant to put her toes into the pool of general society again and who can blame her?  She needs a regular schedule and a regular pattern of getting out among her peers so that she can learn to fit in again.  She'll attend community college in the fall and hopefully will not have to set foot into her previous high school again, except to walk across the stage to get her diploma.  I already have a plan to pack the stands with DJ fans so that when her name is announced, we can drown out any naysayers, if there are any.

This is why I want to leave the "transgender" word behind because it can act as both scaffolding and noose.  We previously needed it for scaffolding, but now it's feeling rather tight around the neck so maybe it's time to cut the knot.  I know that biologically she'll always be transgender, but people with other medical diagnoses don't go around wearing signs that say, "Marfan's syndrome" or "cleft palate". Granted, if you look closely enough at their bodies, and knew what to look for, you might be able to figure out that they have a congenital anomaly, but most people can't tell and why would any of us draw attention to a medical diagnosis that doesn't have to limit us necessarily anyway?  It just makes people treat us differently because of their preconceived notions.

So that leaves me not knowing whether or not to keep blogging, or maybe I should just change the name of the blog....not sure what's next for me.  But at least we have a pretty good plan for what's next for DJ who, by the way, attended her first Zumba class this week.  Has felt dynamite wearing her first bikini a couple of weeks ago, is back to composing music, will likely start ballet class this fall and is finally ok with the plans we've laid out for her to finish her high school education.  It was a long haul getting to this point and we still have work to do.  She is still socially awkward with folks outside of her nuclear family because she has this distorted idea that she is "responsible" for entertaining people and is not good at it.  But she's been out of the social loop for a while now- but I have to believe getting back to it will be like riding a bike.  She's struggling with Sister Chromatid, who continues to make valiant efforts to remain friends, but DJ's social anxiety is putting up a wall.  I hope this doesn't permanently stunt their friendship, but I'm learning that I can't control that and DJ will definitely make other friends in time.

I have  to look to future opportunities the way my nephew, who I'll call Nannyman, does.  Instead of being fearful about losses, I have to consider that they might be the gateway to future opportunities for DJ.  So, when Nannyman quotes Michael Buble by saying (about the future) "I just haven't met you yet" I have to say that THAT is the answer to "What's next?"