For Alexander and his mom...

DJ and I are hangin' out watching "Friends" reruns.  Both of us tend to be night owls lately.  Last night she decided to disprove Curry's Paradox.  Look it up on Google because I am too geometrically-challenged to be able to explain what Curry's Paradox is.  Luckily for me, it involved a picture!  Suffice it to say she was pulling out colored pencils, graph paper and a ruler last night at 11:30 to start disproving the paradox.  Bulldog asked her why;  was it competition or something?  It's difficult for both Bulldog and me to understand why anyone would think it's fun to use not one but two different mathematical formulas to disprove the paradox just for "the fun of it" but we're not going to knock it.  It sure as hell beats video games.

Have I mentioned before that I have no idea where she came from?  Our genes don't indicate that our offspring would have such qualities.  Sarcasm, shortness of stature, ability to spread our toes-these are our genetic gifts.  DJ missed out on pretty much all of those and ended up with freakishly good abilities that require both the right brain and the left brain.

Today we were returning from running some errands and DJ informed me that she gets carsick when the sun gets in her eyes.  I suggested she get her sunglasses out of her purse.  She said, "Oh, here they are."  She turns to show me these goofball kelly green sunglasses with the lenses popped out.  We both start laughing hysterically.  How lucky am I to end up with this lovable goofball of a daughter?  I'm so glad she's DJ-our relationship is only what a mother can have with a daughter.

Don't get me wrong-I treasure my relationships with Romeo and Goodwrench.  They are GREAT people and great sons.  But DJ and I relate the way only two women can.  Sometimes Bulldog just shakes his head at our antics but I don't think he minds being outnumbered too terribly.  She can poke at him like no one else can and he eats it up.  I'll bet he never would have foreseen this when DJ first came out to us.

I heard from a young man whose mom is trying to be supportive of his coming out as her son.  I hope he understands what a good start that is.  That's where we were nearly two and half years ago.  It's night and day coming from where we were to where we are.  Wanting to try, wanting to be supportive is more than half the battle.  So if Alexander's mom is reading-hang in there.  As long as you keep wanting to be there for your son, as long as you're willing to try, to call him by his name and make constant efforts to use the right pronoun, you will get to the point of embracing this young man and loving him for him.  Yes-missing that other child doesn't ever completely leave, but when you look at your son, try to remember that the core of the child has not changed.  And if no one has told you this yet, Alexander's mom, you're a good mom for trying.  You would be shocked at what some people experience at the hands of their parents.  It's heartbreaking.  I'm pulling for you!!

Long time, no speak

Insomnia sucks but it has led me back to you fine folks.  I will take this opportunity of sans sleep to give you a little heads-up on the DJ scene.

Speaking of scene-did anyone else know that this- "scene"-is a fashion style?  It's one DJ has embraced wholeheartedly in the last couple of months.  The early part of summer was rough in many respects but it's amazing what changing medications can do especially when the new doctor points out that the old doctor had her on a dosage roughly five times higher than what he would have recommended.  After that switch, we had our old DJ back-pretty much all the time again. 

She's perky, she's goofy, she's composing music like mad and she's "scene".  She went to the salon for a brand new "do" that is stinkin' adorable.  Admittedly, as 8 and 10 inches of hair were falling to the floor of the salon, my heart sank and I actually thought:

We've spent the last two years helping you achieve the feminine look and now you're cutting all your hair off?

I was dead wrong-she's even prettier.  You can see the delicate structure of her face more readily now.  She has a very edgey look that is actually quite flattering.  I think her appearance, her "look" is a form of expression for her. 

She's enrolled in community college to finish out her senior year in high school and is quite happy with the decision.  It's a much free-er atmosphere and no one freaks out if she wears a tank top.  The dress code rules at her former high school are becoming ridiculous. 

The check-ups at the surgeon's are revealing that all procedures were a smashing success.  Science is truly amazing, is all I can say.  DJ was granted "permission" to purchase real bras now.  Until last week, sports bras were all she was permitted until she got to a certain point in the healing process.  So, after school, we hit Kohl's and little Miss Thing came home with three new bras, a cute dress and striped knee socks that had, "I love nerds" printed on them. 

DJ and Sister Chromatid are back in their friendship groove again.  Apple has invited DJ to bring Sister Chromatid to visit England next summer as a graduation gift.  She's promising a weekend in Paris.  The girls are thrilled beyond belief. 

Bulldog and I are finally letting our guard down a bit. DJ's weight and appetite are healthy, her depression has lifted, she's healed up nicely and is getting back to her life again.  We're trying not to look over our shoulders so much-a tough habit to break when you've gotten used to trouble creeping up on you repeatedly.  Romeo and Goodwrench are both doing great too as are Juliet and Gellar.  Time to coast a little bit....

What's next?

I had taken a hiatus from blogging.  My heart just wasn't in it.  I was, and am, on some new-fangled kind of journey and blogging about my "transgender" daughter seemed disingenuous.  Why?  (and I hope I do not offend the transgender community when I say this) because DJ....is... just....a girl.

Ok, Ok, I know that might piss people off as if I'm covertly saying there is something to be ashamed of to be a transgendered person.  There isn't-if you have read any of my previous posts, I think I've made that clear enough.  I can't explain the change in me.  Yes, it's partly because of the change in DJ-she has female parts top and bottom now.  Does this make her a girl?  NO-she was already a girl.  So what's different?

I will explore this as I write-who knows how it will come out.

For me, and most definitely for her, there was the fear of her being found to have "male" parts.  We all have our fears and most of them are based on our life experiences.  That is certainly true for me.  At the heart of it all was my concern that if someone, somehow, found that DJ had "male" parts, that they would classify her as a freak and treat her as such.  We know what this world does to people who it believes are freaks....2000 years ago they left you to die.  Today, that might be comparatively merciful considering what torture those who don't fit the mould are subject to.

To me, Transgender equaled a medical diagnosis.  It was an answer to the "Why" of my daughter having "male" parts.  It was rational and could be explained.  Don't get me wrong-I don't think anyone should have to explain themselves in general.  But if one is faced with some sort of anguish due to the misunderstanding of another person, we want to be able to mitigate that, if possible, to save ourselves from pain.  It's natural.  The Transgender word was that, for me.

If we are cautious, and "erase" evidence of DJ's former identity, then perhaps she can live a life without worry of being "found out".  In other words, she can just be a girl.  Not a transgender girl, not a girl who used to be a boy, but just a regular girl who loves hair and makeup, music and art, techno and action adventure movies, physics and ancient alien shows.

DJ is doing well for the most part but the past six months have been anything but normal for her. She has traveled between home and hospitals, and nowhere else, these past six months.  She is hesitant to put her toes into the pool of general society again and who can blame her?  She needs a regular schedule and a regular pattern of getting out among her peers so that she can learn to fit in again.  She'll attend community college in the fall and hopefully will not have to set foot into her previous high school again, except to walk across the stage to get her diploma.  I already have a plan to pack the stands with DJ fans so that when her name is announced, we can drown out any naysayers, if there are any.

This is why I want to leave the "transgender" word behind because it can act as both scaffolding and noose.  We previously needed it for scaffolding, but now it's feeling rather tight around the neck so maybe it's time to cut the knot.  I know that biologically she'll always be transgender, but people with other medical diagnoses don't go around wearing signs that say, "Marfan's syndrome" or "cleft palate". Granted, if you look closely enough at their bodies, and knew what to look for, you might be able to figure out that they have a congenital anomaly, but most people can't tell and why would any of us draw attention to a medical diagnosis that doesn't have to limit us necessarily anyway?  It just makes people treat us differently because of their preconceived notions.

So that leaves me not knowing whether or not to keep blogging, or maybe I should just change the name of the blog....not sure what's next for me.  But at least we have a pretty good plan for what's next for DJ who, by the way, attended her first Zumba class this week.  Has felt dynamite wearing her first bikini a couple of weeks ago, is back to composing music, will likely start ballet class this fall and is finally ok with the plans we've laid out for her to finish her high school education.  It was a long haul getting to this point and we still have work to do.  She is still socially awkward with folks outside of her nuclear family because she has this distorted idea that she is "responsible" for entertaining people and is not good at it.  But she's been out of the social loop for a while now- but I have to believe getting back to it will be like riding a bike.  She's struggling with Sister Chromatid, who continues to make valiant efforts to remain friends, but DJ's social anxiety is putting up a wall.  I hope this doesn't permanently stunt their friendship, but I'm learning that I can't control that and DJ will definitely make other friends in time.

I have  to look to future opportunities the way my nephew, who I'll call Nannyman, does.  Instead of being fearful about losses, I have to consider that they might be the gateway to future opportunities for DJ.  So, when Nannyman quotes Michael Buble by saying (about the future) "I just haven't met you yet" I have to say that THAT is the answer to "What's next?"

What's next for our girl?

With one year of high school remaining, we must decide from where DJ will graduate.  None of us wants to see her return to the school in our small town.    The nearest private school may suffice, but there is still a fear that if word got out about her past, that she will branded once again.  She won't be just a girl, she'll be the "girl who used to be a guy" or the "transgender girl".  Enough already.

We're considering a boarding school that's about 75 miles away and will allow her to come home on the weekends, but we feel committed to having her in a family environment, if at all possible.  Therefore, we are seriously considering having DJ live with her aunt, Apple, over in Europe.  It will mean we will not see her but a handful of times over the course of nearly a year, but more importantly, it will also mean a completely fresh start for our girl.

Bulldog and I talked to her about the choices we can consider and the Apple Plan is looking pretty exciting to her.  We are asking that she give all choices serious thought over this long weekend and choose two schools, so that we can start the balls rolling on Plan A(pple) and Plan B.

My heart is so divided-just thinking of her leaving makes me miss her already, but I know that to let her go will be another gift to help her toward her future as, simply, a young woman.

Transgender child makes the front page of a major newspaper

Dear Readers,

Because I am technologically challenged, I am having difficulty embedding a video recapping a story that the Washington Post, THE major newspaper in the Washington D.C. area, ran on the FRONT page on Sunday with the title below:


Transgender at Five

Click on the link and you will be directed to the narrative from an interview between the author of the article, Petula Dvorak,  and the mother of the young boy about whom the article was written.  Maybe this is the beginning of the turning of the tide.  Let's hope so....

Two weeks later

We filmed DJ from the moment we left our house until she got back in the car to go home.  We also took still photos.  On our return home, DJ got to work stringing together the short video segments and the photos, adding music and graphics and showed it to us this afternoon.  It was moving and made me just boo-hoo all over the place-especially at the end where she tacked on a message to Bulldog and me.

Then Bean and Saint came over to see how our girl was doing. Saint gave DJ multiple kisses and brought her a "People" magazine and they both brought her a giant bouquet of flowers. After that, we sat down to a home-cooked meal of spaghetti and meatballs.  We finished the night laughing over "Mythbusters" and then DJ headed off to bed.

Tomorrow marks the first day of dilating four times a day.  She didn't seem nearly as concerned about it when she turned in tonight like she did just a couple of days ago.  It's amazing what a day or two will bring to a person's outlook.  It's amazing what a mere two weeks can do for a person's expectations for the rest of her life.

Home again, home again

It's good to be home.  DJ did great on the ride home thanks to the blow up donut pillow.

The night before we left, we had dinner out at a hip little waterfront restaurant where ducks were congregating.  She was in a great mood-glad to be out and about and ready to move on with her life.

Interestingly, however, she is a bit overwhelmed at the prospect of dilating four times a day.  She thinks it will be difficult to manage in spite of already being used to doing it twice a day.  I tried to explain to her that anything new seems daunting but with repetition and practice, it will be less so fairly quickly. She looked dubious.  Truthfully, I think her age works against her in this regard.  To young people, the prospect of a few months' inconvenience seems like "forever."

The next morning, she picked up her spirometer- a device that encourages deep breathing and measures one's progress.  Initially, she was able to make it to the 1500 mark, while only occasionally hitting the 2200 mark.  That morning, however, she hit the 2200 mark each time she inhaled.

"It's so easy to do this now-just last week I could hardly ever do it and now I can get it to 2200 every time, so easily."

Of course, she didn't get the parallel....

"It will be like this for the dilating, as well.  The more you do it, the less stressful it will be and you'll be able to do other things while you dilate.  It won't seem difficult at all before you know it."

OK-that's a bit misleading: it's not as if she can go for a walk, or play the piano, but she could conceivably  read, text, use the computer, while she waits for the 20 minutes to pass.  And sure enough, the next day she chatted on the phone with me while she waited the obligatory 20 minutes.

"See?  You're multi-tasking already,"  I told her.

She still has to keep an ace bandage wrapped around her chest so she doesn't want to shop for bathing suits yet.  And today, she was a bit blue which is to be expected, according to the surgeon.  DJ started back on her hormones yesterday, so some minor mood swings are to be expected.  Yet, "Beverly Hills Ninja" is certainly making her perk up, heaven help me.

The next big decision is thinking about how to finish up her last year of high school.  But I'm getting ahead of myself.  For today, and maybe even this week, we'll just enjoy being home again.