We both needed fixing

Mother's Day was a rough day.  DJ had some fairly significant swelling that, frankly, frightened me.  Ordinarily, I'm pretty calm when the $hit hits the fan and it's not as if I freaked out, but I know I gave off waves of concern and fear, which upset DJ.  Then, as I tried to distance myself from feeling terrible about frightening her, Bulldog decided to point out not just once, but twice, that I had frightened her. We called the doctor and at first she seemed to think we had not followed her instructions and she seemed to chastise me.  And when I returned to DJ, I swear she looked at me as if she had lost faith in me.

I was in a complete tailspin.

What happened was fixable.  The last day in the hospital, after capping DJ's catheter, I helped her to the restroom and the section of catheter, which was supposed to be taped to her abdomen, flopped down and she felt a slight tug.  The doctor thinks she may have had some slow bleeding into her tissue over the next day.  She saw DJ yesterday and was able to drain the blood from beneath the surface of the skin which made a world of difference to DJ's comfort and reduced the swelling dramatically.  She also removed the packing and the ace bandage to DJ's chest to look at her new breasts, which also are healing well.

The doctor and the physician's assistant that are treating DJ are great.  Before we saw them that morning, I had called the doctor three additional times on Mother's Day.  I felt embarrassed about interrupting her on her day off and she must have sensed my frazzled state because after the third call, as we were hanging up, I heard her say, "You're a good mom."  She fixed me, too.

Pain, pain, go away, come again another day

DJ was a bit restless last night.  She kept feeling like she couldn't get a deep breath.  Admittedly, I'm scared to death of her having a blood clot from being so immobile, but in my gut, she was not presenting as a person with that issue.  I think it's gas.

Poor girl.  Her belly is fairly bloated from it, not that she cares about that.  Nor does she have any compunction about needing to pass the gas, with a proper "excuse me" and a giggle each time, but last night it was irritating her.  I think her innards are preparing to finally act normally again, if you know what I mean.  She was on a liquid diet from last Saturday until Wednesday.  She's been eating solid food for three days, but it's only been the last two days that she has eaten full meals.  My guess is that her intestines are a bit slow moving between being at rest for a number of days and having medications that encouraged them to not do a damn thing for that long, as well.  I have a feeling today is going to be the day that DJ is dreading.

She's pretty tender down there and does not relish sneezing or coughing or anything similar that will increase pressure in her nether regions.  I remember that feeling well-

The day after I gave birth to Goodwrench, I was quite sore.  He was in distress right before being born and so they "snipped" me pretty hurriedly (it totally sucked because the numbing meds had not kicked in at all-they were in a hurry) and stitched me up.  The next morning, I took a shower and as I rinsed my face, I inadvertently swallowed some water the wrong way and coughed forcefully just   one   time.  Then, I attempted to just sort of clear my throat so it went something like this:  COUGH, ahem ahem ahem.  The pressure in my nether regions did NOT feel good so it made me dread my first bowel movement.

I imagine DJ's discomfort can be multiplied considerably, nonetheless I shared with her that I, too, was on stool softeners and those things are aptly named, thank goodness.  No work or pressure was required to have the dreaded first bowel movement.

This morning, she feels as if her skin is tight and pinched where her stitches are.  It sucks, but that is a good sign that she's healing.  On the other hand though, it hurts like hell so I don't think she's interested in hearing about "good signs".  In fact, this is the worst we've seen her.  She hasn't had pain meds since she went to sleep last night over 8 hours ago and now they won't kick in nearly fast enough.  I wish there was something I could do, but it's a waiting game for the meds to kick in.  I don't think anything is wrong but it still makes me feel helpless watching her deal with it.  Yes, I knew it wouldn't be easy some days, but again, that doesn't prepare you for seeing your kid concentrating on getting through the next few minutes while she waits for her pain meds to start working.

It's been about 30 minutes and she's less edgy...I think they're working.  Hang in there kid.

Second stop on the journey

We are settled in at our next stop on this journey.  Unfortunately, between Bulldog having difficulty with the GPS and then the GPS sending him on the circuitous route, DJ ended up sitting in the car for nearly two hours for what should have been a 45 minute drive.  Her eyes were enormous which is her way of showing she is in pain.

They capped her catheter yesterday so now she can relieve herself when necessary through a shortened catheter.  The nurse was instructing me on the care of her incisions which consists primarily of observation at this point, and I must say that the work the surgeon has done is remarkable!!  Only 5 days after her surgery, she is also recognizably "female" south of the border, if you know what I mean.  I am amazed at what modern surgery can accomplish, when one is in the hands of an excellent surgeon, of course.

DJ's mood is a slight bit lower today because she is tired from being physically uncomfortable and dealing with pain.  She rates her pain at a 3 on a scale of 10, so while it is not terribly acute, it is a chronic, low level pain which can certainly wear a person down.  But she slept all night and ate well this morning.

We brought her out on the patio where there is a chaise lounge that reclines perfectly.  It's a beautiful day and she has her i-pod going.  The laptop is just too heavy across her middle right now but our neighbors from Canada, one of whom also is post-op, has a very cool contraption that elevates the laptop to viewing height without putting any pressure on the body.  It's pretty nifty and I wish we had one but DJ doesn't seem too worse for the wear for not having internet capability.

Bulldog scheduled a massage for me tomorrow for Mother's Day.  I am looking forward to it immensely.  I just wish DJ could experience the same physical relief.  But I have to be patient because this is going so much better than I thought it would be at this point in the game.

Moving right along

DJ has made great progress today:  she walked around the unit today, ate solid food for the first time since last Friday night, and had her drains removed.

She is feeling a bit antsy today because her energy is returning, she's on very little pain medication and she is finding it increasingly difficult to be still, but she's hanging in there.  She's working her way through the "Harry Potter" movies but still can't do any drawing because the head of her bead is only raised to 15 degrees so she is still essentially flat on her back.

On removing the drains, the physician's assistant also removed some of the tape holding the dressings in place and it's remarkable how good she looks already with very little bruising. Tomorrow they will cap her urinary catheter so that the urine will collect in the urinary bladder like it should and then when she needs to relieve herself,  she will empty the catheter into the toilet.  This process is important to "retrain" the bladder to recognize when it is full.  Then the catheter is removed next week and DJ will have to learn to hover over public restroom toilet seats, if she hasn't already mastered that skill.

Maybe the intricacies and details of this kind are not interesting to my readers-if that is the case, please accept my apologies.  But I think there are some that might be curious about the process if they are considering it themselves.

What has been most bothersome to DJ is that the inside of her nose felt dry and uncomfortable today...that's pretty much been "it" for her complaints.  This is nowhere near as difficult as I thought it would be thus far.  Yeah, easy for me to say, I know.  But I thought she would be having a harder time, physically.  Being young and healthy helps, I'm sure.  Not smoking is a MUST.  Not that DJ would be caught dead with a cigarette, but smoking is so hard on the healing process that DJ's surgeon reserves the right to perform nicotine tests to be sure her patients are compliant with this policy.

Tomorrow, in the late afternoon, we check out and head to the accommodations closer to the surgeon's office where DJ will check in twice more before going home.  The hospital staff has been great, but we're looking forward to a less hospital-like environment and DJ's looking forward to being able to be a  bit more upright.

Gay Marriage

DJ is napping so I am on a tirade about the current news:

Can we please stop arguing about the Gay Marriage issue?  Can politicians please stop calling this a "state's rights" issue?  Does anyone else remember another time when barring people from civil rights was called a "state's rights" issue?  Hello-the same argument was used to defend slavery, if memory serves.

The Constitution clearly states that States "may not abridge the rights and privileges" of its citizens.  Why does no one mention this?  Why?  Why? Why?

Having a job is a right, some say a privilege-gay people can't be denied that.  Voting is a right-they can't be denied that.  Owning property is a privilege, they can't be denied that.  HOW IS THIS DIFFERENT? (legally speaking, although it happens all the time.)

And please DO NOT play the religion card.  The "this country was founded by Christian men" argument is lame and full of holes and I caution you to do your homework:

James Madison fought for and was successful at making certain there was verbiage in the Constitution to separate Church and State and why?  Because even back then there were Christian groups who disagreed with each other on what was moral and immoral, on what met with Church teachings or not, on what constituted Christian ideals, or not.  The founders of this country left a CHRISTIAN country because of religious persecution for God's sake!! (no pun intended.) The last thing they wanted was another form of government that was controlled by any one person's, or any one party's, view of what was religiously acceptable.  This is why they separated Church and State and why it remains separate to this day, much to the chagrin of many on the very far right.

Let the churches decide who they will allow to marry in their religion but the states do not have a Constitutional basis for denying liberties or privilege to any of its citizens.  As far as the government is concerned, marriage is a contract between two consenting adults who wish to join their lives, both personal and economic.  This contract allows them to take part in the same rights and privileges that others can enjoy such as tax relief, rights to pass on property or to inherit property, rights to collect life insurance, and rights to own property together.  We allow it for straight people-not everyone is married in a church and this is why we have justices of the peace- for those who want the legal rights of marriage without the religious strings attached.  Why is it different for gay people?  There is a constitutional basis for them to share in the same rights as everyone else so why are we skirting the issue? Why will not someone publicly point this out?  Because our government is being held hostage by those who want to foist their religious views on the rest of us.  If you're active in your church, that is where your strongly held beliefs about marriage can be exercised-you can bar homosexuals from marrying in any number of churches.  I suggest you bring your strongly held beliefs there where you are "safe" from government intervention.

And no, my believing in gay rights is not foisting my religious views on those who don't agree with it.  If you believe that then you also believe that those who dislike African Americans are being "forced" to live with them or accept them, and that those who think women don't belong in the work world are having women's liberation foisted on them.  You can think what you want, you can own a business and bar women and black people from it, but don't expect to get one red cent from any form of government because you can't discriminate and get government funds.

So yes, you have the right to discriminate in your house, and in your business, as long as you don't expect the government in any form (otherwise known as the citizens of this country) to subsidize you in ANY way-no government sponsored loans for your business, no grants, etc.  So go ahead, keep your home as you like it-bar gay people from it, or women, or foreigners-your home is your castle and you don't have to share.  But this country is OUR country damn it all and you may get away with ripping people off from getting their fair share of rights and privileges for now, but you won't get your way forever.  Women will not leave the workforce, African Americans will not ride in the back of the bus, "foreigners" will not stop emigrating here, Gay people will not be shamed into silence.

But there are still plenty of countries in the world that will allow the religion to rule the country and I'm pretty sure they don't allow gays to marry either.  Yes, some of these places are so "pro-marriage" they'll allow one person to have multiple spouses.  Perhaps a person who feels strongly could emigrate there.  Saudi Arabia comes to mind, as does Iraq and Pakistan.  What's that?  You wouldn't want to live there because you would not be able to enjoy the freedoms you have here?  Oh, but it's ok to deny someone else THEIR freedoms?  Sounds like you need your own world-I think there's a religion out there that promises that too, perhaps you should look into it.  I'm pretty sure it's Christian as well.

Day 4 begins

Bulldog has been pulling the night shift with DJ.  I sleep during the night and relieve him during the day.  We usually spend a number of hours together with DJ and then he grabs sleep through the afternoon and returns in the evening.

I walked in this morning and DJ was awake and looking slightly exasperated.  She is tired of being on her back and is feeling fidgety this morning.  We all take that as a positive sign, but that might mean I'll have to be on my very best and patient behavior today.

A woman came by to see DJ yesterday. She had her surgery some 5 or 6 years ago.  She was able to share insight with DJ that I simply do not have. And she was so damn genuine and frank-I loved her.  She, like so many folks who are born in the wrong body, has lost many friends and members of her family in being true to herself.  It's gutwrenching to hear.  And she made DJ feel like a million bucks when she complimented her on how beautiful she is.

I believe today is DJ's last full day in the hospital.  She stood up twice yesterday and is supposed to walk two times today, as well.  If all goes well, then tomorrow she'll be discharged, and we'll head over to the accommodations that are closer to her surgeon's office where we will stay until her surgeon says she's ready to travel home.  

Bulldog's sister out west sent some beautiful flowers yesterday.  This woman is easily the most "hip" of all of Bulldog's siblings and he has seven of them. Don't get me wrong-Bulldog's family is fabulous and each of his siblings has his or her own wonderful quality, but this sister is particularly cool, and all of the clan knows it.  She is recovering from breast cancer and is scheduled for reconstructive surgery to get her new "rack" this summer.  She and DJ can swap notes on the experience.

And today is Goodwrench's birthday.  Yesterday when we spoke, he said he was looking forward to seeing DJ's "transformation" which I thought was particularly wonderful.  Romeo has been seemingly nonplussed assuming DJ will be just fine, and it turns out he was right (knock on wood).  More later after her first walk.

Emotional multi-tasking

I hope The Godfather does not mind my sharing this, but I think it's important.

He has been going through a similar process that Bulldog has experienced.  He called us a week before the surgery to plan to stay with us during DJ's convalescence and then again a few days before we left. During the second call he became quite tearful:

"I feel as if I'm losing someone," he tearfully explained.

I told him how Bulldog had gone through this same experience.  I think The Godfather was feeling guilty about this feeling when quite frankly, he shouldn't.  It is what it is.  Acceptance of one thing almost always means letting go of something else-it's a natural part of life.

I cannot possibly be a happily married woman unless I'm willing to let go of being a happily single woman.  It wasn't easy and I missed that way of life, but I wanted this other way of life more, and so I let go of the latter to have the former.  Maybe I am oversimplifying here, but perhaps it really is that simple.

We adapt to new circumstances all the time and we are able to do that because we learn to let go of the "former" aspects of our lives so we can embrace what is coming next.  We do it with our relationships with people who have passed on, with people who are no longer a good fit in our lives, and with people who are not exactly who we thought they were.  Missing other people does not mean we love those in front of us less.

Missing JD does not mean The Godfather doesn't absolutely adore DJ.  Adoring DJ doesn't mean that those of us who loved JD must stop remembering that person.  We are not "cheating" on DJ when we remember some of JD's antics.  JD, who was doing a remarkable job of being DJ's alter ego, was a great guy even if he wasn't totally "real" but there were aspects of JD's personality that are still an integral part of the person that is DJ.

It's so hard to explain how it happens, but it does.  We don't get to be surrounded by all the people we love during the entirety of our lives.  We all know this.  We have to let some of them go and it's painful.  Learning to love new people can feel disloyal, but it's not.  It's not like we get one bucket o' love to last us our whole lives-love multiplies like rabbits when we're not looking.

You're allowed to feel the loss-it's ok.  But don't let it stop you from loving this fine person that's standing right in front of you.  This is the 21st century-all of us know how to multitask. I almost forgot the most important part of what The Godfather said.  After saying he felt like he was losing someone, he added:

"But I want to support her."

THAT is how we emotionally multitask.