Birthday celebration for our girl

DJ is currently working on her last tutoring lesson, here at home, before we leave, very soon, for her gender confirmation surgery.  She finished her research paper and is presently doing some kind of word play/association with her tutor, a local schoolteacher who works specifically with kids like DJ who have medical issues that keep them home.  We will call this fabulous woman Dynamo because she has that kind of personality.  She has become quite important to DJ this past year, and to us, as well.

I finished up everything I can possibly finish up at work.  Yet, I still feel like I've forgotten something, in spite of countless lists.

Bulldog will be home shortly as he ties up loose ends at work, as well.  We have a notary public coming over this afternoon so we can finish our refinance on our home mortgage before we leave.  Talk about coming in  under the wire....

We will celebrate DJ's 17th birthday today.  Per the birthday girl's request, in lieu of cake, we will be having birthday trifle.  She just isn't ready for cake yet, which is perfectly fine.  We'll have some family and friends over tonight for a wicked game of Pictionary and Bulldog, DJ and I will finally be able to relax in the last days at home before we start our journey, both on the road, and figuratively, toward DJ's future.

Then, for a delayed birthday present, when she's all healed up, we will treat her to a session with a wonderful local photographer to have her portrait, complete with curvier figure, taken.  Happy Birthday Young Woman :)

Legacy keepers

We were skyping with Apple and her husband and children the other day.  There is nothing cuter in the whole world than listening to children from the UK talking, especially with the dialect they have where consonants are enunciated crisply.

Anyway,  Apple recounted an interesting story from when DJ was very little.  Back then, of course, we knew her as JD.  JD's dad and I had been separated for six weeks when he committed suicide.  Of course, the entire thing was awful.  But Apple explained that she was talking with JD and asked "him" something to the effect of where JD thought his dad was.  JD answered, in true 3 year verbiage,

"He's with Godzilla;  he'll be ok."

Apple went on to explain how she has revisited that memory countless times and realized that that child's reaction was so utterly female.  That she remembers looking in the face of that child and seeing what she now realizes is that inherent female quality of acceptance and resilience that even young girls will manifest.

And I know what she is talking about.  It's just something I know as the mother of my children, somehow.  Now, I don't ordinarily believe in assigning traits by gender, unless done cautiously and judiciously.  But we all know that there are different energies each gender radiates, regardless of their exterior or interior plumbing.  We can't define it, but we feel it from each other.

Goodwrench and Romeo were little boys who cried occasionally, as all children will.  Goodwrench was a screamer, and Romeo was a quiet crier.  But when DJ cried, there was something so.....soulful about it.  DJ didn't cry for the same reasons Goodwrench or Romeo did.  They "tended" to cry over frustration or anger, or fear.  DJ cried over sadness or disappointment.  I don't know what I'm trying to say....but I knew  she was different from her brothers and I never thought "different/bad" just "different/good" and for as long as any of us can remember, everyone, Bulldog included, said JD was my "favorite".

I love all my children the same, but DJ (formerly known as JD) and I were kindred spirits.  I just didn't know why.  I had so many moments with DJ that were similar in nature to what Apple described that I don't remember having with DJ's brothers.  The moments I shared with them were equally as wonderful, but decidedly different.  For instance, they both wanted to marry me.  (When Goodwrench was about 3, he performed a little wedding ceremony for he and I. Romeo argued with his dad that I was "his".) DJ never did.

I still remember my 8 months pregnant self, weeping on finding out that the sonogram revealed the parts of a "boy."  I was so SURE she was a girl.  I truly believed that God didn't think I was fit to raise a girl.  (I was young and still brainwashed....)  I yearned for a daughter-truly.  But I loved all my children regardless of their parts, so I put the yearning aside and reveled in the three kids I had.

I still can't believe how lucky I am to have a daughter-and not just any daughter.  I'm so lucky that DJ is  my daughter.  What she has done for this family, how she has changed it for the better, just by being her authentic self, cannot be adequately explained, but I'll try.

Both Bulldog and Goodwrench are decidedly more tender around her and perhaps because of her.  Romeo continues to pal around with her, when they are together, the way he always has which is equally as wonderful.  I cannot even begin to describe how she has changed me.  Read the book "The Red Tent" and hear how Dinah describes her mother and the nature of their bond and it will describe my feelings more accurately.

In this world, where male conquest is what is recorded in the history books, female legacy is left to the keeping of the daughters.  I see my future through DJ-does that make sense?

Ants in her pants

Disc Jockey found the coolest "tool" to help DJ let us know how she's doing when she's having a hard day.

We've gone round and round on this issue because Miss Stiff Upper Lip refuses to let us know if she's ok when she's clearly acting not ok.  We understand that everybody has "bad" or "off" days and all we ask is that she let us know if it's a regular "off" day, or if something has her so upset she feels the urge to purge (I do not like the fact that the phrase rhymes because that makes purging sound like a light hearted activity, and it's not) or if she feels like she can't guarantee her safety.

We've discussed using a chart with facial expressions drawn on it, encouraging her to paint scenes that can illustrate her feelings and she typically agrees to the plan and does not follow through.

Today, however, on our visit to see Disc Jockey, she tossed a bunch of what appeared to be various sized beanbags in DJ's lap.  They were tiny stuffed pillows with a facial expression stitched on one side and a description stitched on the other.  They were goofy, they were silly, they tickled DJ pink.

"So, which of these would describe how you're feeling today?"  Disc Jockey asked.

DJ chose two:

Excited and Sleepy.

"I'm excited that the surgery is coming up in "x" days and I don't know why, but I'm sleepy," and she kind of giggled.

Way to hit the ball out of the park Disc Jockey!!

If you live near, or can access, a Fresh Foods Supermarket, Disc Jockey found the feelings pillows there.  I think they would be universally appealing to small children, big kids and adults.  I want to get Bulldog his own feelings pillows, in fact!

Otherwise, DJ is getting antsy.  She actually started packing a little bit today.  And she wrote half of her research paper. But right now, she's taking a bath, which is her other form of therapy.  She just wants to get this show on the road!!  She needs a warm cup of tea and a decent night's sleep to get her another day closer.  

EEOC protects TGs

Transgender Forum-an online informational link posted this today:

There’s big news from the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission has ruled that transgendered people are covered under Title VII which means employers can’t discriminate against TGs when they’re hiring.


This is HUGE!!  If we look back at other groups that have been discriminated against in the USA (land of  the free?-there are all kinds of ways to define "free" or "not free"; we as a country can afford to grow a bit in this area.)  we see that "acceptance" often started with "forcing" employers to be fair in hiring practices.  When more women, and African Americans, and Transgender people, and anyone else who does not encompass the "white christian male" qualities that seem to be preferred, are incorporated into the workforce, greater exposure to "different" kinds of people occurs.  Then, when we work side by side with those people we used to think of as "different", we realize that they really aren't different when it comes to what really matters because good people all value the same qualities regardless of their background, identity, orientation, culture, religion, gender, or skin color:  character, loyalty, tenacity,  intelligence, morality, commitment to high ideals, to family and to loved ones.


I can only imagine that it must feel like progress moves at a snail's pace-I know that is true for me being a woman in a "traditional" man's workplace.  But it is a small step forward which is hugely important.

Feeling a teensy bit overwhelmed

By eleven o'clock this morning, I had my suitcase 95% packed for next week.  I have roughly 75% of my chores taken care of related to my absence from work during DJ's recuperation out of state.  Bulldog is managing our finances.  We are planning for DJ's birthday this week-two days before we leave for DJ's gender confirmation surgery.

Meanwhile, Romeo needs us to cosign for his student loan and apartment lease which complicates the refinance of our mortgage that Bulldog is trying to finish up.  DJ is supposed to be working on her research paper so that she can stay somewhat current with her English class.  Goodwrench is plugging along taking care of himself entirely-which is a huge relief.

We are also supposed to be logging every meal that DJ eats.  That has completely fallen by the wayside.  We all pay close attention to what she eats and how often she eats. We are all very familiar with portions of each food group that must be represented, but we simply cannot seem to remember to keep the log.  I also have a little over an hour to complete forms that the school system requires to allow DJ to continue with being tutored at home for the remainder of the school year.  Of course, the school system wants to pull the plug on the funds to allow that to happen-that freaking figures.  They were supportive of DJ's hospitalization for her eating disorder, but do not seem to consider her upcoming surgery a true "medical" issue that warrants her missing school.  I'm sure someone, in his/her ignorance, considers this "elective" not curative surgery.

I would love to battle the school system right now and point out that we have followed, to the letter, the guidelines of the WPATH organization, which the American Medical Association endorses.  How the local school system can decide that this is not a medical issue is beyond my understanding.  But, I currently feel too compromised to fight that battle right this moment. And I know Bulldog is too.  We will likely pay the teacher out of our pocket to keep DJ current with her studies.  All we can do is manage what is most important right now.

For instance, Bean was stating yesterday, pretty emphatically I might add, how frightened she is about DJ returning to her public school next year.  In fact, she flat out told me I should "be the parent" and refuse to let her.  I completely agree, but that will mean scoping out other possibilities for schooling, and having the conversation with DJ to let her know why we do not want to allow her to return to her public school-both of which are beyond our current abilities.  We can only focus on what next week holds for us.

I've never experienced something like this before that seems so involved that many of my other faculties are unavailable for other pursuits.  Bulldog feels the same way.  I mentioned this conversation to him and he replied, "I can't even think about that right now. That's next school year.  We'll worry about that after the surgery."

No wonder we have to keep nagging DJ to work on that research paper.  She MUST be feeling like this multiplied by, oh, I don't know-a zillion maybe?

Keep calm and carry on

This final countdown is so difficult.  I try to remember if it's difficult for me, how HARD it must be for DJ.  But, in true self-centered fashion, I come right back to how stressed I feel.  I'm such a lech!

DJ seems to be, for all intents and purposes, "nesting."  This is a word that I'm not sure translates to other cultures;  however, in light of the fact that it is likely a universal feminine trait, I am certain women of other countries can relate.  We usually see this quality in pregnant mothers right before birth of the baby is due.  We clean, we tidy, we arrange, all in preparation for the life changing event that is about to occur.

DJ, to a certain degree, has been nesting. The girl is, otherwise, a perpetual mess maker.  Her room is constantly in a state of disaster.  It truly looks as if a tornado came through it.  And her bathroom is ridiculous.  Yesterday, however, for some strange reason, she started cleaning.  Usually we have to make her do it.  For her to take the initiative is a bit unusual. Let me state it more accurately:  for her to take the initiative is highly irregular!!


On other fronts, she had her first sleepover with her best friend, Sister Chromatid recently and it was like "old times."  This is the first time in 4 months that she has been in the company of someone other than Bulldog or me for more than an hour or two, not including staff at the hospital.  She was giddy and silly and laughed so hard she spit, according to Barbie, Sister Chromatid's mom.

The next morning, I took both girls with me to a fundraiser with a "pirate" theme.  DJ looked adorable in her subtly alluring pirate get up but I could see her retreat into her shell as she came in contact with more and more strangers, especially when it was time to eat her breakfast.  She just wasn't up to the task that morning and felt embarrassed and disappointed in herself at not being up to the task.  We told her that all of us bite off more than we can chew some days and oftentimes, it's best to just back off and try again another day.  Bulldog picked her up, brought her home, she took her therapeutic bath and hung out with Mimi the rest of the day.

She's been off her hormones for five days and the mood changes have been minimal.  But DJ has never been one to have wild alterations in her mood anyway.  She's just varying degrees of stoic no matter what.  If I didn't know better, I would swear she is British.  And to any of you in the UK who are reading this, I mean that as a compliment in a "steady heads will prevail" kind of way.

On the surgery front, the surgeon is in receipt of the letters from the therapist and psychologist, so I can breathe a sigh of relief.  The surgeon's office has had to reassure me a number of times that everything is moving along properly. What do you do for people who soothe your neediness?  Are flowers appropriate?  Or does the fact that you've written a very large check suffice?  I don't know....

Bulldog touched base with the psychologist yesterday by phone.

He said to me, "There is one thing she wants us to do as soon as the surgery is over."  My heart sank, because I am constantly expecting SOMETHING to derail our plans somehow (I'm such a "negative nancy" lately).

"What's that?"  I replied.

"As soon as DJ comes out of surgery, she wants us to call her and let her know how DJ is."

I almost cried.

Once the surgery is done then, maybe, and only with their permission, can we share the names of all these incredible professionals who have made it their mission in life to help transgender folks achieve the lives they want and need. But until then, I just want to keep everything on the down low.  Fly under the radar, so to speak.  Which makes me regret that I shared some of my blog entries on Facebook last year....sigh.  The more I learn, the more I learn how much I have to learn.

Many thanks to some of my blog readers (friends) who have contacted me by my gmail email address.  I sincerely hope we can meet someday.

That's all for now. Be back in the next few days if I have not experienced some sort of meltdown while DJ keeps that stiff upper lip.

Shopping for enemas

We are in the phase of preparing for the actual surgery.  There is a shopping list that must be obtained and so DJ and I addressed this yesterday in Target and Walmart.

Here are some of the more exciting items on the list:

Magnesium citrate (a laxative)
Fleet enema (same purpose, but more fast acting)
Sanitary napkins
Anti-biotic ointment
Vitamin K

Damn it-nary a fun thing on the list!!!  OK, not entirely true since we will be picking up some of DJ's favorite movies for her to view, as well, and did find a cute "Tinkerbell" PJ set, which we had to get two of so we could bring one to Sister Chromatid, who is a big Tinkerbell fan.  We certainly will consider books but the first few days post-op, it is doubtful that she will be able to focus on words through her drug-induced haze.

We passed by the bathing suit section and I suggested we window shop, since she wants to wait till after the surgery to actually buy a bikini.  She was visibly excited at the thought of not having to drape her midsection.  I am so excited for her.

She was making all kinds of cute, smart @$$ remarks all day and was obviously in fine form eventhough all we purchased was about $200 worth of medical supplies and the aforementioned PJs.  We got home and packed the medical supplies in their own suitcase and even that was interesting to her.

Well, of course it is. This is all preparation for the final step in her physical transition.

However, today also marks the first day without her hormones, so she may experience what her doctors are referring to as a "menopause" complete with hot flashes and mood swings.  That's ok, she and I can experience that ride together, as I am in the beginning stages of the same process.  Poor Bulldog....