All voices will be heard at the round table

Maybe I'm wrong with the observation I am about to share.  Perhaps I should do some research before I share my perspective.  Aw hell, I'll do research later.  For now, I'm going to share my thoughts and maybe some of you will have experience or a perspective you would be willing to share.

I think cutting and anorexia act like addictions.  They both seem to offer a short term "cure" or means of handling your stress, while offering the person nothing in the way of truly dealing with her pain and furthermore, can cause additional problems.  We all know the hazards of drinking and drug use-they are short term crutches for long term issues and they destroy the body of the user, as well as their finances, and relationships.  It is the same with anorexia-when you control how/when/where/with whom you eat, you are essentially keeping the demons at bay-for the moment- while wreaking havoc on your body, your relationships, and your checking account.  And the same could be said for cutting.  Like any other addiction, eventually, the "little bit" of cutting won't suffice and you'll have to cut more, or deeper to get the same effect.  I've transported many people who swear they weren't trying to end their lives, they just accidentally cut too deeply.

So, DJ and I were discussing this yesterday.  Because not only did she attempt to hurt herself in this manner, but she also attempted to huff bath salts.  Seriously?  Yup-I've transported folks who have done that too-one of them jumped out of the back of my unit after attempting to beat the crap out of me and my partner.  Luckily, the ambulance was stopped at the time.  He was found 15 minutes later and brought back to the ER in a wheelchair with his hands zip-tied behind his back, covered in his own mucous, vomitus and blood. Yeah-that method worked to assuage his fears really well-didn't it?

No, I'm not openly mocking people who engage in this behavior but I will pseudo mock the behavior itself by pointing out the preposterousness of it and the fact that it's a fantasy.

DJ is learning this.  They did an exercise where they acted as if the anorexia was a person and they role played.  DJ describes the anorexia as a "good time friend" who is actually a crappy friend.  We've all had friends like that-they are completely one way and don't give a damn that they drown you while they attempt to exist. Goodwrench had a roommate like this-"C'mon dude-stay up and party with us. You can call in sick to class/work tomorrow."  

DJ is learning to view the anorexia as that bad "friend" who is not worth having.  I hope she learns to view cutting in the same manner.  She explained yesterday how she feels a sense of "peace" after cutting herself.  Yeah, all because your body dumps endorphins into the blood stream on injury in an attempt to help control pain.  Your "peace" is just a chemical reaction.  Hopefully, she'll see, in a purely intellectual and cognitive way, that cutting is just another bad friend who serves no good or lasting purpose.

I feel hopeful today because I think that will be DJ's way out-her cognitive abilities.  When she can disengage that part of her brain to analytically view the part of her brain that is in control when she's stressed and then see the errors that that part of her brain is committing, then maybe she can LEARN to think her way through her stress to help modulate the overwhelming FEELINGS that are knocking her on her ass.

I have to relate everything to my limited knowledge of the anatomy and physiology of the body and the brain.  When we work well-when we're in a state of homeostasis-or balance-opposing functions in the body and the brain are both at work to keep us in balance. If DJ can see that her emotional aspects of her brain have taken the intellectual parts of her brain hostage and that both parts have a rightful place at the round table, then I think she will start taking more control of her life.  Conversely, the same could be said of the cognitive aspects of our brain-there are times when we should listen to our more "rational" parts of our brain, and there are times we should not: if "reason" is telling us we're being ridiculous when our gut is screaming at us to leave the secluded alley and get into a well lit area, ignoring our "gut" might mean getting mugged, having the crap beat out of us, or worse.

Maybe I'm oversimplifying or overcomplicating.  I'm just trying to make it make sense in my head.  But she saw something yesterday.  I asked her if she felt like hurting herself at that moment. She said no, she did not.  So, the urge passed, I said.  Yes, but it will come back, she replied.  Yeah, but it will pass again, was my retort.  So, sit tight, speak up, hunker down and wait it out.  No it's not easy, but it's an important part of getting on with your life.

Discouraged

Wow-it's been a tough week for our family.  Romeo had a crisis (of his own making), Goodwrench's girlfriend broke up with him and, worst of all, DJ had to leave the eating disorders part of the hospital and go back to the self injurious behavior unit.

She was discharged as an inpatient last week and has been going to intensive outpatient treatment at the eating disorders unit for 12 hours a day, 7 days a week.  The first couple of nights she was home were good, but then she started tanking again.  I've been sleeping with her to ensure her safety through the night, but she managed to find sneaky ways to harm herself nonetheless.  Her therapist called this morning to let us know of her transfer.

I am so discouraged and surprisingly, really angry with DJ.  She will not, or can not, ask us for help when she is with us.  She feels like a burden, a failure, and would rather keep all that to herself than tell us. When the feelings become so strong,  she finds (inflicts) a source of pain that she CAN take, rather than experience the emotional pain that she feels she simply can't endure.

Yesterday she was able to share a bit of her feelings because we talked to her via conference call.  I had a feeling the relative "hidden-ness" would allow her to be more verbal and it did.  I felt hopeful that we had found a means for her to share her pain with us so that in those moments when she felt the worst that she knew she could come to us.  But she can only explain her inability to share with us by saying she had to lie for so long, and stuff her feelings for so long, that she doesn't really know how to do anything else anymore.

Maybe she's angry with us for the time she's lost.  OK-bring it on.  Tell me-I can take it-and then maybe you can move on with your life.  I don't know, I'm just guessing.  I don't think it's anything we've done since she's come out, so maybe it's from before.  I want to shake her and yell at her, "All you have to say is 'help' and we'll stay up with you all night, hold you, watch you like a hawk and keep you safe.  We'll rock you to sleep until you can face the morning."

But she won't even do that.  She just suffers silently.

When she comes home, we will do even more to create a safe environment  and continue to mirror what the staff at the hospital does.  This means "sterilizing" her bathroom and bedroom of pretty much anything that she could use to cut herself.  I was actually pulling thumbtacks from the wall a little while ago.  She will have to lose more privacy as well until she can demonstrate that she will come to us when she is feeling badly enough to want to hurt herself.

Parents of transgender teens or young adults-if you haven't faced this, consider yourself lucky, especially if you have yet to accept the true gender identity of your child.  Consider they may be hiding their pain well, too.  Does that frighten you?  It should.

An Apple a day keeps the crankies away

Check out this webpage:

http://www.zazzle.co.uk/someone_i_love_is_transgender_tshirt-235032301604696875

We love Apple, she is truly one of a kind.  She forwarded this to me today.  Apparently, the UK is significantly more open minded about the subject. Apple was telling me the other day there are television programs in the UK that feature transgender teens and it's not big deal.  Can you imagine such a thing in the USA where we think we're so freedom minded?  We've got some growing to do.

Thanks Apple-you always find the most thoughtful gift ideas.  DJ, Bulldog, Goodwrench, Romeo and I all love you and miss you.  XOXO

The calm instead of the storm

Do you ever struggle with taking the high road?  You know which one that is, the one that is rarely traveled because it's such a damn uphill, zig-zaggy path, full of brambles, annoying pebbles that cause you to slip, medium sized rocks that repeatedly dig into your shins and giant boulders that threaten to flatten you if you're not watchful.  And of course, the other option is the slippery slope-aptly named because it is so easy to follow-you merely let go, and you're on it, coasting downhill, all the way to....I guess our lesser selves, although some would say it's actually a sure path to hell.  But if I get started on the religious zealots I'll never shut up and I'll get all angry and then I'll be sliding for certain.....I digress.

Our beloved DJ is doing much better.  She's managing to eat as directed although she finds it stressful.  That, apparently, is par for the course for a person battling anorexia. But she's a tough girl and she willingly accepted being part of this program.  And really, she could have refused.  She could have insisted on going home and short of a court order, or our refusing to take her home, we could not have forced her to stay.  I don't know if she knows that, but I certainly won't tell her.  Nonetheless, she is following the care plan religiously.  She's so strong and we're so proud of her.  Bulldog is especially happy because she is now returning his "I love you's" once again.  For the first week or so, she either said nothing or "you too" in return to either of us.

My girl takes the high road all the blessed time.  I think she's just naturally nicer than most people, and slower to anger, as well.  Me, I'm a nice person, but I have to fight the urge to try to make people feel ashamed of themselves.  It's my way of fighting back I guess.  I don't defend it as a healthy means of fighting back, and I don't often give in to it, but I spend enough time fantasizing about it that I think I actually fan the flames of anger that someone else ignited.  So, really, I'm part of my own problem.

Now, this blog is remarkably cathartic for me.  I work through my thoughts and feelings about a number of issues.  Many of you will - nicely- call me on my waywardness but usually it is to say I'm being too hard on myself.  Some of you, however, will share your perspectives about the mean people in the world and I actually hear your words in my head, particularly lately when I've been really fighting the urge to give some acquaintances a piece of my mind. I don't want to tell them off....ok that's not true.  I DO want to tell them off, but I have a sneaking suspicion they'll walk out in the middle of it. So instead, I've been fantasizing about the passive-aggressive sneak attack.  You know, you bait them with some innocent remark and when they walk into your trap with the comment you knew they would make, you let them have it with your one liner, preferably in front of other people, so that their shame is multiplied because it took place publicly.  It's a seductive little fantasy, isn't it?

So, I was contemplating doing this on....(ok, I'm an idiot-I SAID it was a fantasy) Facebook.  I hope you can still hear me because I'm shouting to you from the pit near the end of the slippery slope.  Anyway, I was going to put a little one liner on there that would speak to some of my so-called "friends" and distant "family" so that they would know it was for them and no one else would be the wiser.  Of course it's stupid.  No one sagaciously picks the slippery slope....sheesh.

But you know who stopped me (and she's going to chuckle when she reads this) this cute little Australian woman.  Now, this woman is young enough to be my daughter so I have to be frank when I admit that I feel a little embarrassed that this young lady has her s - - - together better than a woman who has 20 years on her. Nonetheless, I will accept wisdom from any source-"out of the mouths of babes" right?  And believe me, I've been blessed with many sources of wisdom because many of you fine blog readers have offered your words - and thank goodness.  Lately, however, I've been hearing her voice-I say voice, but I mean cyber voice because I've never heard her speak- when I start to get all revved up and angry.  And it's not really the words but her pragmatism that is whispering in my ear.  It's the idea that I shouldn't waste my energies on such things, not because it's small or petty to do so, but because I have bigger fish to fry.  And more importantly, I can't change anyone for DJ, or for me and when I try to change them, I'm giving them too much power by giving them my power.  I've never cyber- heard this aussie woman use the words,"It's just not worth it" but that is the feeling.  And while I've heard the words before, something about how she's imparting this feeling of "They just aren't worth it" is resounding in me-repeatedly in fact.  I've caught myself a number of times starting to think in a negative "I'll get back at them" manner, only to have this feeling and thought of, "It's just not worth it" stop me dead in my slippery slope fantasy tracks.  It feels so blessed.....calm.

Some folks come by this trait naturally and more power to 'em.  And while there is a place in this world for people of passion, we have to know when to play the passion card, and when not to.  Information is indeed power.  Sharing is power-if what you share is meaningful.  If not, you're just giving your power away to someone who just isn't worth it.

Musta been PMS

I am not one to normally blame PMS for my mood irregularities.  And yes, you do not have to be a menstruating woman to experience them since they are often the result of hormonal influences.  Women of all walks of life likely have some kind of experience with our hormones getting the best of us.

I woke up with wicked cramps this morning, so I am going to chalk my ire and mania and hysteria to the aforementioned hormones.  It's my crutch and I'll lean on it if I want to!!  Poor, poor Bulldog was the recipient of my moodiness last night.  I had rearranged the furniture in the den after cleaning up and Bulldog comes up from downstairs stating, in a solemn tone, "You'd better call the police. Someone broke into our basement.  pause...And they rearranged the furniture."

I don't know why, because I seldom panic, but during the" police, broke in", etc., and before the furniture remark, I got scared.  When I realized his (albeit lame) joke, I had a mini-meltdown.

"What the hell were you thinking? You scared the crap out of me?!"

Then, the next morning, I got on my rant about the anti-woman sentiments that exist in this world.  I'll spare you the details, as the look on Bulldog's face is etched into my brain and serves to remind me that my howling at the moon is not only annoying as s---, but serves no purpose whatsoever.  And really, it's a smokescreen for what's really bothering me-the worry that DJ will not be ok.

I cannot cry easily- I wish I could but I've got 30 years of holding it back out of necessity for any number of reasons that I will not recount right now.  It's been a great tool for me for a very a long time, but now, I can't get to my sadness except through my anger.  This is unfortunate for me because I can't easily access my feelings.  And poor Bulldog usually receives the brunt of my anger as I'm trying to access my sadness, feelings of loss, fears, anxieties, etc.

So until I find a way to access those feelings, I've decided that when I start crying over spilled milk, that I will recognize that urge to whine as a sign that something else is going on;  before I get on my pulpit, that I should instead take a step backward before I give in to the urge to verbally purge, unless I can be more constructive.  Sometimes I have to put my issues in boxes to be able to deal with them one at a time.  A new spin on one day at a time perhaps....one issue at a time and break it down into small bites.

DJ update

DJ is doing much better.  She has been transferred to an eating disorders unit where she is content to be.  She made a couple of jokes yesterday and asked for staff paper so she can compose some music while she is there.

What a blessing to see her act more like herself.  It's a tonic for my nerves, to quote some old movie or book that I can't recall at the moment.  The work she is doing is pretty intensive.  She is completely immersed in an environment that encourages looking inside yourself and finding ways to come to terms with your feelings and your reality.  Not only will they help her become physically healthy again, but also emotionally more healthy.

Get this:  our insurance company has sent DJ a letter encouraging her to complete the program and promised a $20 gift card to Target if she does.  WHAT?!!  Since when did insurance companies become kind and supportive?  The opera ain't over till the fat lady sings and she hasn't sung yet, so they could still act like butt-heads later, but for now, it was a pretty pleasant surprise.

Bulldog and I are hoping to come up with social support system for when she comes home.  It's hard to find support groups.  And we also are letting go of the idea of DJ having the typical high school experience-and we're entertaining the possibility of creating one for her and others who face similar struggles.

Wouldn't it be awesome to have a PFLAG prom? LGBTQ folks and any LGBTQ or straight folks who love them would be welcome.  It's something I'm thinking about and am not sure how to get it off the ground since there is no group closer than 50 miles from my home.  Any ideas?

The comments and support that you have offered have been like this invisible safety net so that even when I fall, my butt doesn't even touch the ground. Thank you :)

Seein' red today

I'm angry today. I'm puttin' that out there so if you're not in the mood for reading about someone else's anger, you can switch pages now.  Fair warning....

I came home to an empty house because DJ is still in the hospital.  She is doing better and I think the programs she is taking part in are helping her tremendously.  I'm only guessing here with what I'm about to propose because she is still somewhat stiff upper lip with Bulldog and me, but I think she is getting to the core of her pain that she shoved inside to remain in the closet for 15 years, and pretended wasn't there when she finally came out.  It's a process that will take time and we will stand by whatever path helps her.

But when I came home to the empty house, I was already on a quiet simmer.  Maybe it's because I miss her-a lot.  Maybe it's because I knew I'd have to scoop the litter box since she isn't here to do it.  Maybe it's because my life is topsy turvy and I crave some regular routine...or maybe I'm wanting to blame the ignorant hate mongers in the world who helped put her where she is right now.

So, I headed down to the den in the basement-the room that we spent time and money on so DJ would have a place to entertain her friends, and a place to play music, compose music and perhaps get away from her parents.  I decided to finally put away some Christmas stuff that I had left there when I saw her guitar propped up next to the piano-looking unused and forgotten.  And then I started thinking about how much Bulldog and I both miss hearing her play the piano, and the guitar and how much I miss hearing the music she composes.  That's when I started to really boil...not in a way that makes me yell, because like I said, the house is empty and I get no satisfaction whatsoever from knowing that my goofball German Shepherd Calley and my ancient, 20 year old cat, Courtney, would feel the brunt of my verbal volcanics.

So, I grabbed my laptop and here I am.

Aside from our immediate family's concerns, I have a relative who was just released from the hospital.  Her serious, life threatening illness forced her to quite smoking cigarettes and pot.  She admittedly has been in various stages of a drug induced haze since her childhood when her father beat the crap out of her on a daily basis.  This cousin is also a lesbian, so when she wasn't getting beat at home, she was sometimes facing verbal abuse, or worse, in her hometown.  Our talk turned to the subject of Facebook where she shared that other, distant, family members were verbally bashing "freaks" like transgender folks.  I'm not sure if they verbally bashed gays and lesbians during this time, but they've been known to do it in the recent and not so recent past.  One of my family members spoke up wondering how I would feel if I were to see the posts.  The post was apparently deleted after her comment.  To my cousins' credit, and to the credit of Mimi, Bean and Flying Pig, none of them breathed a word to me.  And this happened nearly a year ago.  Since that time, the person who uttered the most hateful words of all has corresponded with me on occasion, on FB and through the old fashioned mail.  So, not only is she ignorant, but she is a coward as she pretends to befriend me while she mocks my child.  Yes, my child, not just transgender people, because I told her myself about DJ.  She knew about DJ when she made those comments.  I can and will consider it a direct insult to my child and anyone who shares a similar struggle.

So, my anger at this "relative" (a person who is older than I am and cannot be excused because her immaturity is in spite of her chronological age) easily blossomed into blaming her and everyone like her for much of DJ's suffering.  Yes, DJ would be struggling with the fact that some of her parts don't match who she feels she is anyway, but I think her struggles are magnified at least tenfold because of the bitter hatred and willful misunderstanding and maligning at the hands of much of society.  Why can't people just keep their hateful opinions to themselves?  My opinions are mine and you may not agree, but I don't spew poisons that incite hatred in others, publicly no less.

These folks want their world to be exactly as they see it, as far as their eyes can see.  It's not enough that they can live freely in their homes, or at work, on vacation, in church.  But they want public areas to be theirs too.  They want no censorship of their thoughts because they think the whole world is theirs and that they shouldn't have to share:  they shouldn't have to shut their traps if they don't want to, even if they hurt someone in the process; they don't want to have to take down religious icons from public places even though they can display them proudly in their homes, cars, their churches, on their person, because they want to see what they want no matter who they may offend or exclude.  And they act like Facebook belongs to them too. Yeah, right, the airwaves belong to each of us.  We can say what we want and "screw you if you don't like what I post, you don't have to read it".  Except yes I do when it pops up on my screen. By the time I realize what trash it is, I've already read it.  But I don't have to read it again.

Then, they get pissed off.  "It's a free country" they reply.  No, idiot-freedom of speech means you won't be thrown in jail for saying publicly that the president is a muslim or something equally stupid and irrelevant.  It does not mean you are protected from people taking issue with your position and perhaps deleting you from FB or their lives.  Ask the Dixie Chicks- they took a gamble, exercised their right to free speech and now their career is in the toilet.  That's the chance you take.

You know what's wrong with these folks?  They need to repeat kindergarten.  They need to learn how to share (the earth, the airwaves, public places, the government, the resources, but NOT their opinions please), to take turns, to not say anything at all if you can't say something nice, to be kind to your neighbor, to say "please" and "thank you" and to be courteous.  It's not like our kindergarten teachers said, "These are the rules, except for when you meet someone different than you. Then, you may disregard the aforementioned."

If only people could just shut the hell up in public arenas.  This is America;  bitch all you want in the comfort of your home and your car.  You must share the other spaces in the world with EVERYBODY.  We all have a F - - - - - - right to be here and to be who we are, as long as we are not hurting anyone.  And don't even start that crap about homosexuals "hurting" the institution of marriage.  If a cop can't put you in jail for it, or if your employer can't fire you for it, or if the ACLU can't successfully sue you for it, you're probably not actually "hurting" anyone.  Generally-and here's where I get to throw out the religion card-if it ain't in the Ten Commandments, you're probably ok.  Nothing in there about homosexuality, or transgenderism, hell, marriage isn't even defined there.  Follow those 10 rules pretty closely and you're not likely to hurt anyone.  I challenge the hate mongers, who usually use the Bible as their defense, to top that one.  The only "law" that tops that in the Bible is Jesus' commandment "to love each other as I have loved you."  Go ahead, try to tell me that your messages of hate and nonacceptance and exclusion don't violate that.

In the meantime, can I interest any of those verbose hate mongers in helping to pay for a hospital bill?  The way I figure it, you earned it more than DJ or we did.