An Apple a day keeps the crankies away

Check out this webpage:

http://www.zazzle.co.uk/someone_i_love_is_transgender_tshirt-235032301604696875

We love Apple, she is truly one of a kind.  She forwarded this to me today.  Apparently, the UK is significantly more open minded about the subject. Apple was telling me the other day there are television programs in the UK that feature transgender teens and it's not big deal.  Can you imagine such a thing in the USA where we think we're so freedom minded?  We've got some growing to do.

Thanks Apple-you always find the most thoughtful gift ideas.  DJ, Bulldog, Goodwrench, Romeo and I all love you and miss you.  XOXO

The calm instead of the storm

Do you ever struggle with taking the high road?  You know which one that is, the one that is rarely traveled because it's such a damn uphill, zig-zaggy path, full of brambles, annoying pebbles that cause you to slip, medium sized rocks that repeatedly dig into your shins and giant boulders that threaten to flatten you if you're not watchful.  And of course, the other option is the slippery slope-aptly named because it is so easy to follow-you merely let go, and you're on it, coasting downhill, all the way to....I guess our lesser selves, although some would say it's actually a sure path to hell.  But if I get started on the religious zealots I'll never shut up and I'll get all angry and then I'll be sliding for certain.....I digress.

Our beloved DJ is doing much better.  She's managing to eat as directed although she finds it stressful.  That, apparently, is par for the course for a person battling anorexia. But she's a tough girl and she willingly accepted being part of this program.  And really, she could have refused.  She could have insisted on going home and short of a court order, or our refusing to take her home, we could not have forced her to stay.  I don't know if she knows that, but I certainly won't tell her.  Nonetheless, she is following the care plan religiously.  She's so strong and we're so proud of her.  Bulldog is especially happy because she is now returning his "I love you's" once again.  For the first week or so, she either said nothing or "you too" in return to either of us.

My girl takes the high road all the blessed time.  I think she's just naturally nicer than most people, and slower to anger, as well.  Me, I'm a nice person, but I have to fight the urge to try to make people feel ashamed of themselves.  It's my way of fighting back I guess.  I don't defend it as a healthy means of fighting back, and I don't often give in to it, but I spend enough time fantasizing about it that I think I actually fan the flames of anger that someone else ignited.  So, really, I'm part of my own problem.

Now, this blog is remarkably cathartic for me.  I work through my thoughts and feelings about a number of issues.  Many of you will - nicely- call me on my waywardness but usually it is to say I'm being too hard on myself.  Some of you, however, will share your perspectives about the mean people in the world and I actually hear your words in my head, particularly lately when I've been really fighting the urge to give some acquaintances a piece of my mind. I don't want to tell them off....ok that's not true.  I DO want to tell them off, but I have a sneaking suspicion they'll walk out in the middle of it. So instead, I've been fantasizing about the passive-aggressive sneak attack.  You know, you bait them with some innocent remark and when they walk into your trap with the comment you knew they would make, you let them have it with your one liner, preferably in front of other people, so that their shame is multiplied because it took place publicly.  It's a seductive little fantasy, isn't it?

So, I was contemplating doing this on....(ok, I'm an idiot-I SAID it was a fantasy) Facebook.  I hope you can still hear me because I'm shouting to you from the pit near the end of the slippery slope.  Anyway, I was going to put a little one liner on there that would speak to some of my so-called "friends" and distant "family" so that they would know it was for them and no one else would be the wiser.  Of course it's stupid.  No one sagaciously picks the slippery slope....sheesh.

But you know who stopped me (and she's going to chuckle when she reads this) this cute little Australian woman.  Now, this woman is young enough to be my daughter so I have to be frank when I admit that I feel a little embarrassed that this young lady has her s - - - together better than a woman who has 20 years on her. Nonetheless, I will accept wisdom from any source-"out of the mouths of babes" right?  And believe me, I've been blessed with many sources of wisdom because many of you fine blog readers have offered your words - and thank goodness.  Lately, however, I've been hearing her voice-I say voice, but I mean cyber voice because I've never heard her speak- when I start to get all revved up and angry.  And it's not really the words but her pragmatism that is whispering in my ear.  It's the idea that I shouldn't waste my energies on such things, not because it's small or petty to do so, but because I have bigger fish to fry.  And more importantly, I can't change anyone for DJ, or for me and when I try to change them, I'm giving them too much power by giving them my power.  I've never cyber- heard this aussie woman use the words,"It's just not worth it" but that is the feeling.  And while I've heard the words before, something about how she's imparting this feeling of "They just aren't worth it" is resounding in me-repeatedly in fact.  I've caught myself a number of times starting to think in a negative "I'll get back at them" manner, only to have this feeling and thought of, "It's just not worth it" stop me dead in my slippery slope fantasy tracks.  It feels so blessed.....calm.

Some folks come by this trait naturally and more power to 'em.  And while there is a place in this world for people of passion, we have to know when to play the passion card, and when not to.  Information is indeed power.  Sharing is power-if what you share is meaningful.  If not, you're just giving your power away to someone who just isn't worth it.

Musta been PMS

I am not one to normally blame PMS for my mood irregularities.  And yes, you do not have to be a menstruating woman to experience them since they are often the result of hormonal influences.  Women of all walks of life likely have some kind of experience with our hormones getting the best of us.

I woke up with wicked cramps this morning, so I am going to chalk my ire and mania and hysteria to the aforementioned hormones.  It's my crutch and I'll lean on it if I want to!!  Poor, poor Bulldog was the recipient of my moodiness last night.  I had rearranged the furniture in the den after cleaning up and Bulldog comes up from downstairs stating, in a solemn tone, "You'd better call the police. Someone broke into our basement.  pause...And they rearranged the furniture."

I don't know why, because I seldom panic, but during the" police, broke in", etc., and before the furniture remark, I got scared.  When I realized his (albeit lame) joke, I had a mini-meltdown.

"What the hell were you thinking? You scared the crap out of me?!"

Then, the next morning, I got on my rant about the anti-woman sentiments that exist in this world.  I'll spare you the details, as the look on Bulldog's face is etched into my brain and serves to remind me that my howling at the moon is not only annoying as s---, but serves no purpose whatsoever.  And really, it's a smokescreen for what's really bothering me-the worry that DJ will not be ok.

I cannot cry easily- I wish I could but I've got 30 years of holding it back out of necessity for any number of reasons that I will not recount right now.  It's been a great tool for me for a very a long time, but now, I can't get to my sadness except through my anger.  This is unfortunate for me because I can't easily access my feelings.  And poor Bulldog usually receives the brunt of my anger as I'm trying to access my sadness, feelings of loss, fears, anxieties, etc.

So until I find a way to access those feelings, I've decided that when I start crying over spilled milk, that I will recognize that urge to whine as a sign that something else is going on;  before I get on my pulpit, that I should instead take a step backward before I give in to the urge to verbally purge, unless I can be more constructive.  Sometimes I have to put my issues in boxes to be able to deal with them one at a time.  A new spin on one day at a time perhaps....one issue at a time and break it down into small bites.

DJ update

DJ is doing much better.  She has been transferred to an eating disorders unit where she is content to be.  She made a couple of jokes yesterday and asked for staff paper so she can compose some music while she is there.

What a blessing to see her act more like herself.  It's a tonic for my nerves, to quote some old movie or book that I can't recall at the moment.  The work she is doing is pretty intensive.  She is completely immersed in an environment that encourages looking inside yourself and finding ways to come to terms with your feelings and your reality.  Not only will they help her become physically healthy again, but also emotionally more healthy.

Get this:  our insurance company has sent DJ a letter encouraging her to complete the program and promised a $20 gift card to Target if she does.  WHAT?!!  Since when did insurance companies become kind and supportive?  The opera ain't over till the fat lady sings and she hasn't sung yet, so they could still act like butt-heads later, but for now, it was a pretty pleasant surprise.

Bulldog and I are hoping to come up with social support system for when she comes home.  It's hard to find support groups.  And we also are letting go of the idea of DJ having the typical high school experience-and we're entertaining the possibility of creating one for her and others who face similar struggles.

Wouldn't it be awesome to have a PFLAG prom? LGBTQ folks and any LGBTQ or straight folks who love them would be welcome.  It's something I'm thinking about and am not sure how to get it off the ground since there is no group closer than 50 miles from my home.  Any ideas?

The comments and support that you have offered have been like this invisible safety net so that even when I fall, my butt doesn't even touch the ground. Thank you :)

Seein' red today

I'm angry today. I'm puttin' that out there so if you're not in the mood for reading about someone else's anger, you can switch pages now.  Fair warning....

I came home to an empty house because DJ is still in the hospital.  She is doing better and I think the programs she is taking part in are helping her tremendously.  I'm only guessing here with what I'm about to propose because she is still somewhat stiff upper lip with Bulldog and me, but I think she is getting to the core of her pain that she shoved inside to remain in the closet for 15 years, and pretended wasn't there when she finally came out.  It's a process that will take time and we will stand by whatever path helps her.

But when I came home to the empty house, I was already on a quiet simmer.  Maybe it's because I miss her-a lot.  Maybe it's because I knew I'd have to scoop the litter box since she isn't here to do it.  Maybe it's because my life is topsy turvy and I crave some regular routine...or maybe I'm wanting to blame the ignorant hate mongers in the world who helped put her where she is right now.

So, I headed down to the den in the basement-the room that we spent time and money on so DJ would have a place to entertain her friends, and a place to play music, compose music and perhaps get away from her parents.  I decided to finally put away some Christmas stuff that I had left there when I saw her guitar propped up next to the piano-looking unused and forgotten.  And then I started thinking about how much Bulldog and I both miss hearing her play the piano, and the guitar and how much I miss hearing the music she composes.  That's when I started to really boil...not in a way that makes me yell, because like I said, the house is empty and I get no satisfaction whatsoever from knowing that my goofball German Shepherd Calley and my ancient, 20 year old cat, Courtney, would feel the brunt of my verbal volcanics.

So, I grabbed my laptop and here I am.

Aside from our immediate family's concerns, I have a relative who was just released from the hospital.  Her serious, life threatening illness forced her to quite smoking cigarettes and pot.  She admittedly has been in various stages of a drug induced haze since her childhood when her father beat the crap out of her on a daily basis.  This cousin is also a lesbian, so when she wasn't getting beat at home, she was sometimes facing verbal abuse, or worse, in her hometown.  Our talk turned to the subject of Facebook where she shared that other, distant, family members were verbally bashing "freaks" like transgender folks.  I'm not sure if they verbally bashed gays and lesbians during this time, but they've been known to do it in the recent and not so recent past.  One of my family members spoke up wondering how I would feel if I were to see the posts.  The post was apparently deleted after her comment.  To my cousins' credit, and to the credit of Mimi, Bean and Flying Pig, none of them breathed a word to me.  And this happened nearly a year ago.  Since that time, the person who uttered the most hateful words of all has corresponded with me on occasion, on FB and through the old fashioned mail.  So, not only is she ignorant, but she is a coward as she pretends to befriend me while she mocks my child.  Yes, my child, not just transgender people, because I told her myself about DJ.  She knew about DJ when she made those comments.  I can and will consider it a direct insult to my child and anyone who shares a similar struggle.

So, my anger at this "relative" (a person who is older than I am and cannot be excused because her immaturity is in spite of her chronological age) easily blossomed into blaming her and everyone like her for much of DJ's suffering.  Yes, DJ would be struggling with the fact that some of her parts don't match who she feels she is anyway, but I think her struggles are magnified at least tenfold because of the bitter hatred and willful misunderstanding and maligning at the hands of much of society.  Why can't people just keep their hateful opinions to themselves?  My opinions are mine and you may not agree, but I don't spew poisons that incite hatred in others, publicly no less.

These folks want their world to be exactly as they see it, as far as their eyes can see.  It's not enough that they can live freely in their homes, or at work, on vacation, in church.  But they want public areas to be theirs too.  They want no censorship of their thoughts because they think the whole world is theirs and that they shouldn't have to share:  they shouldn't have to shut their traps if they don't want to, even if they hurt someone in the process; they don't want to have to take down religious icons from public places even though they can display them proudly in their homes, cars, their churches, on their person, because they want to see what they want no matter who they may offend or exclude.  And they act like Facebook belongs to them too. Yeah, right, the airwaves belong to each of us.  We can say what we want and "screw you if you don't like what I post, you don't have to read it".  Except yes I do when it pops up on my screen. By the time I realize what trash it is, I've already read it.  But I don't have to read it again.

Then, they get pissed off.  "It's a free country" they reply.  No, idiot-freedom of speech means you won't be thrown in jail for saying publicly that the president is a muslim or something equally stupid and irrelevant.  It does not mean you are protected from people taking issue with your position and perhaps deleting you from FB or their lives.  Ask the Dixie Chicks- they took a gamble, exercised their right to free speech and now their career is in the toilet.  That's the chance you take.

You know what's wrong with these folks?  They need to repeat kindergarten.  They need to learn how to share (the earth, the airwaves, public places, the government, the resources, but NOT their opinions please), to take turns, to not say anything at all if you can't say something nice, to be kind to your neighbor, to say "please" and "thank you" and to be courteous.  It's not like our kindergarten teachers said, "These are the rules, except for when you meet someone different than you. Then, you may disregard the aforementioned."

If only people could just shut the hell up in public arenas.  This is America;  bitch all you want in the comfort of your home and your car.  You must share the other spaces in the world with EVERYBODY.  We all have a F - - - - - - right to be here and to be who we are, as long as we are not hurting anyone.  And don't even start that crap about homosexuals "hurting" the institution of marriage.  If a cop can't put you in jail for it, or if your employer can't fire you for it, or if the ACLU can't successfully sue you for it, you're probably not actually "hurting" anyone.  Generally-and here's where I get to throw out the religion card-if it ain't in the Ten Commandments, you're probably ok.  Nothing in there about homosexuality, or transgenderism, hell, marriage isn't even defined there.  Follow those 10 rules pretty closely and you're not likely to hurt anyone.  I challenge the hate mongers, who usually use the Bible as their defense, to top that one.  The only "law" that tops that in the Bible is Jesus' commandment "to love each other as I have loved you."  Go ahead, try to tell me that your messages of hate and nonacceptance and exclusion don't violate that.

In the meantime, can I interest any of those verbose hate mongers in helping to pay for a hospital bill?  The way I figure it, you earned it more than DJ or we did.

Quoting the geniuses at AA

None of us ever move forward in a straight path, I don't guess.  We zig, we zag, we step backwards, we stall right where we are and then maybe we inch forward again.  I need to remind myself of that today.  Bulldog does too.  Today was just an ok day when we saw DJ.

Talking about how she feels is such a struggle for DJ.  The ways she expressed how she felt were becoming harmful to her.  However, the last few days have shown marked improvement until she deliberately knocked over her can of Ensure yesterday.  Still not ok to act on your feelings, but a whole lot better than the actions she was previously taking.  But still, talking is best.  We all know that.  But talking is not what she is able to do easily.  She avoids, she shrugs or (my personal favorite) acts like she didn't hear when I ask a question.  Today, we left asking ourselves, "Is it time for some tough love?"  Not the kind where you punish or beat your kid; the kind where you kind of say, "OK already-we're standing here.  You must find a way to speak up and not squander the resources that are here for you."

She's in the right place and as I said to Bulldog today, we have to trust that the folks that work there know what they're doing.  They have eons more experience with this.  Bulldog had expressed dismay that the therapist was quick to end the session when Jackie hit a frustrated brick wall.  Really, our time was up anyway, and perhaps it was appropriate.  "You can't get blood from a stone," I said.  I'm painting myself to be incredibly wise here, but that was just momentary, because then I brought up my Tough Love theory where we go into the next session with verbal guns blazing.....yeah, we swing back and forth, Bulldog and I, trying to figure out what the best path is.

Then, when Bulldog expressed that he had to attend some training-the last opportunity before some of his certifications expire-and might miss seeing DJ as a result, I quoted AA (Alcoholics Anonymous) when I said, "We have to just take it one day at a time."

Those words seem so trite sometimes, but if you've ever been in a truly desperate situation, you KNOW the veracity in them.

When I was a newly single mother following my first husband's suicide, the kids and I were at an all time low, of course.  I had separated from my first husband less than 2 months prior to his death. They were grieving losing him;  I was grieving for my kids' loss and for the possibility of never having a spouse ever again.  The days with the kids were   L  O  N  G.  It was summer break and we were together 24/7.  I relied HEAVILY on a girlfriend of mine to talk me through the depression, the panic, the boredom, the frustration-you name it.  This one afternoon, I had already leaned heavily on her and knew she needed time to be with her family.  I made myself promise that I would not call her for at least an hour-which seemed dreadfully, and unreachably long.  I literally started washing dishes and cleaning the kitchen telling myself, "You can get through the next few minutes and then worry about the next few minutes after that."  I was living minute to minute-how pathetic is that?  But I managed to not call her for over an hour.

Living a day at a time is a learned skill.  Most of us have never had to learn how to do it.  I've had some training so now I just need to remember how it's done.  Looking too far ahead is as frightening as Ebenezer Scrooge's walk with the Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come, so we just shouldn't do it unless absolutely necessary.

And if we're still feeling like crapola?  I will quote another AA byline:  We will "Fake it until we make it." Sometimes going about your day as if everything is ok, even when you feel like death warmed over, can distract you just enough to make you feel sorta.....ok, actually.  So, I did some laundry when we came home, I poured a glass of wine, I stripped the sheets from the guestroom bed and returned a couple of phone calls.  Maybe I'll end the night with a couple of smart @$$ remarks to Bulldog and maybe get a smirk out of him before we go to bed.  If not, an hour of "Friends" on DVD usually works.  If the hits keep coming, we'll keep ducking.  We won't look too far ahead and worry that we'll tire from ducking and not be able to duck anymore.  We'll just try to duck in time for the next hit.  We'll worry about the one after that, IF it comes.

In the meantime, we sleep pretty well because our girl is safe and is getting the help she needs.  We won't worry about if it's working yet, or if it will ever work-we'll take each day as it comes.  I wonder if we can get a pin for that...  

Blog supporters are the new Dr. Phil

Dear Blog Readers,

Your thoughts, even the tough ones, are helping me more than you know.  You all are like a bunch of therapists who don't charge a fee!!  But seriously, your compasses are helping to point Bulldog and me in the right direction and maybe DJ will gain some insight from your input as well.  Your cyber support is inspiring.  You all have become a regular part of my day now. Thank you.

With Affection,
The Author