Quoting the geniuses at AA

None of us ever move forward in a straight path, I don't guess.  We zig, we zag, we step backwards, we stall right where we are and then maybe we inch forward again.  I need to remind myself of that today.  Bulldog does too.  Today was just an ok day when we saw DJ.

Talking about how she feels is such a struggle for DJ.  The ways she expressed how she felt were becoming harmful to her.  However, the last few days have shown marked improvement until she deliberately knocked over her can of Ensure yesterday.  Still not ok to act on your feelings, but a whole lot better than the actions she was previously taking.  But still, talking is best.  We all know that.  But talking is not what she is able to do easily.  She avoids, she shrugs or (my personal favorite) acts like she didn't hear when I ask a question.  Today, we left asking ourselves, "Is it time for some tough love?"  Not the kind where you punish or beat your kid; the kind where you kind of say, "OK already-we're standing here.  You must find a way to speak up and not squander the resources that are here for you."

She's in the right place and as I said to Bulldog today, we have to trust that the folks that work there know what they're doing.  They have eons more experience with this.  Bulldog had expressed dismay that the therapist was quick to end the session when Jackie hit a frustrated brick wall.  Really, our time was up anyway, and perhaps it was appropriate.  "You can't get blood from a stone," I said.  I'm painting myself to be incredibly wise here, but that was just momentary, because then I brought up my Tough Love theory where we go into the next session with verbal guns blazing.....yeah, we swing back and forth, Bulldog and I, trying to figure out what the best path is.

Then, when Bulldog expressed that he had to attend some training-the last opportunity before some of his certifications expire-and might miss seeing DJ as a result, I quoted AA (Alcoholics Anonymous) when I said, "We have to just take it one day at a time."

Those words seem so trite sometimes, but if you've ever been in a truly desperate situation, you KNOW the veracity in them.

When I was a newly single mother following my first husband's suicide, the kids and I were at an all time low, of course.  I had separated from my first husband less than 2 months prior to his death. They were grieving losing him;  I was grieving for my kids' loss and for the possibility of never having a spouse ever again.  The days with the kids were   L  O  N  G.  It was summer break and we were together 24/7.  I relied HEAVILY on a girlfriend of mine to talk me through the depression, the panic, the boredom, the frustration-you name it.  This one afternoon, I had already leaned heavily on her and knew she needed time to be with her family.  I made myself promise that I would not call her for at least an hour-which seemed dreadfully, and unreachably long.  I literally started washing dishes and cleaning the kitchen telling myself, "You can get through the next few minutes and then worry about the next few minutes after that."  I was living minute to minute-how pathetic is that?  But I managed to not call her for over an hour.

Living a day at a time is a learned skill.  Most of us have never had to learn how to do it.  I've had some training so now I just need to remember how it's done.  Looking too far ahead is as frightening as Ebenezer Scrooge's walk with the Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come, so we just shouldn't do it unless absolutely necessary.

And if we're still feeling like crapola?  I will quote another AA byline:  We will "Fake it until we make it." Sometimes going about your day as if everything is ok, even when you feel like death warmed over, can distract you just enough to make you feel sorta.....ok, actually.  So, I did some laundry when we came home, I poured a glass of wine, I stripped the sheets from the guestroom bed and returned a couple of phone calls.  Maybe I'll end the night with a couple of smart @$$ remarks to Bulldog and maybe get a smirk out of him before we go to bed.  If not, an hour of "Friends" on DVD usually works.  If the hits keep coming, we'll keep ducking.  We won't look too far ahead and worry that we'll tire from ducking and not be able to duck anymore.  We'll just try to duck in time for the next hit.  We'll worry about the one after that, IF it comes.

In the meantime, we sleep pretty well because our girl is safe and is getting the help she needs.  We won't worry about if it's working yet, or if it will ever work-we'll take each day as it comes.  I wonder if we can get a pin for that...  

Blog supporters are the new Dr. Phil

Dear Blog Readers,

Your thoughts, even the tough ones, are helping me more than you know.  You all are like a bunch of therapists who don't charge a fee!!  But seriously, your compasses are helping to point Bulldog and me in the right direction and maybe DJ will gain some insight from your input as well.  Your cyber support is inspiring.  You all have become a regular part of my day now. Thank you.

With Affection,
The Author

Will the owner of this issue please stand up?

DJ is doing better, thank goodness. She talked about not being able to be herself in front of us, especially when she is in the company of her friends.  And in listening to her, I think I'm really getting that much of this is about her feelings about her.  I think she may have painted herself into a corner, in a manner of speaking.

Bulldog and I, well, mostly "I", could be accused of being "helicopter" parents.  We, again, mostly I, hover.  But we also are pretty darn good at hearing and respecting the "back off" message.  If DJ will not speak up about what she wants, needs, what irritates her, what we can do to help, etc., etc., how the heck can we know what to do, or what not to do?  Bulldog and I are pretty skilled about a lot of things, but ESP ain't one of our skills.  We have trouble reading our own individual minds, forget reading someone else's mind.  Hell, we can't even read each other's mind, which I personally think is a blessing.  I do not want anyone to know about the inner workings of my brain; the tour requires a guide who is fluent in the language of my brain and the languages of whoever is trying to understand me, poor soul.

DJ keeps talking about wanting a fresh start.  Flying Pig calls that "Geographic therapy."  No one is mocking DJ here, but don't we all entertain that thought?  And isn't that more a form of fantasy rather than something we can actually employ unless we want to go the path of Olivia Newton-John's former lover?  Google it-the dude just disappeared AND tried to make it look like he may have been a victim of foul play, but he was found out.  Even if he weren't found out, wouldn't his next life necessitate that he live a life of lies?

I don't think DJ gets that yet.  Her former life as JD was a life based on untruths and half truths.  It was necessary and it worked well for years, unless you consider that JD would spend quite a bit of time alone in his room so that DJ could disengage from acting like JD for awhile.  So, if DJ goes somewhere new, starts afresh, if she keeps the circumstances of what led her to this new life to herself, isn't she exactly where she started two years ago?  Isn't that sort of jumping from the frying pan into another frying pan?

My perspective is becoming pretty clear. She's got to learn to live in the skin she's in. Furthermore, while Bulldog and I may have a piece in this process, the lion's share of the puzzle pieces are hers.  FINALLY, I get it, Bulldog has gotten it all along; now we just have to wait for little miss can't be wrong to figure it out.  And I refer to DJ that way tongue in cheek because that very quality of hers, that she cannot be wrong, could get in her way.  I don't know where she gets that from (sheepish smirk), but she's been that way her entire life.

When she was about 6 years old, before we knew how poor her eyesight was, we passed a horse farm with the shrubbery trimmed in the shape of.....horses, of course.  She swore up and down they were lions.  All of us in the car explained what we saw, the irrationality of trimming bushes into the shape of lions at a horse farm, the logic of horse farm bushes resembling horses.  It didn't matter-she knew she was right.  Just like how she swore she saw Santa from  the upstairs hallway that looked into the family room when she was on her way to the bathroom. YEARS later, she acquiesed.  Hopefully, it won't take as long for her to realize her perspective just might have to shift a bit in this instance.  That maybe, just maybe, the reason she feels like she can't be herself is in her head, partly because she's a teenager and partly because she's still learning to feel comfortable in her own skin.

Bulldog and I are worn out, but it still feels so good to see a positive shift in her demeanor and outlook.  This past week has seemed excruciatingly long and we, luckily, were able to put our work-lives and personal lives on hold. This coming week, we will return to our lives and still support DJ where she's at, both personally and geographically.  And hopefully, she'll come to an understanding- on at least this one issue-that "being herself" is largely about her and has very little to do with us.  It's a lesson many of us will spend our lives learning and relearning. 

I'm me, you're you

Learning about boundaries has been my cross to bear recently and DJ's recent hospitalization has further highlighted the importance of my really getting where I end and she begins.  I know, many of you are probably very clear on that and I won't get into why I'm not clear on it, but suffice it to say that for years my being enmeshed with my loved ones worked  incredibly well at maintaining familial ties.

That caused, and causes, problems for me and the family member.  I feel responsible when I shouldn't, and I have difficulty letting my kids, in particular, spread their wings.  Let me rephrase, I let them spread their wings and encourage them to do so, but when they invariably crash, as all of us are wont to do, instead of letting them pick themselves up, and brush themselves off and try again, I attempt to do that for them.  Yeah, for those of you lovely people who have been wonderfully supportive by telling me I'm too hard on myself, I can practically hear you thinking, "You're doing it again!"but hear me out because really, I'm understanding the importance of cutting myself a break.

DJ came out the other day with a remark, or remarks, about how she can't be herself around us, etc., etc.  Here's where I have a part in that, and here's where I don't: it's my epiphany, if you will.  Maybe my piece is that my underlying anxiety about my kids' happiness has propelled to jump in when I shouldn't. Maybe I've inadvertently denied them the opportunity to figure out that they can stand up after they've been driven into the ground.  Maybe, even, my underlying aforementioned anxiety is something they sense and feel bad or responsible about and therefore want to avoid the situation by "putting on a front", at least in DJ's case.  Romeo and Goodwrench never put on fronts-they always came right out with what was on their minds.  Maybe my anxiety about their happiness feels like indirect pressure for them.

Conversely, perhaps DJ has also figured out, because she's a teenager, and that species of humanoids love to manipulate their parents, that by blaming us, she can hide behind a mechanism that I may have started, but she is content to use when it allows her to hide from herself.  So, what if I realized that my kids' happiness is not something I have to wallow in or be responsible for, but can simply observe from the sidelines, and assist with when asked?  What if, for my sake, and theirs, I didn't make my happiness contingent on theirs?  Wouldn't that relieve me, and them, of a burden that I never intended to carry or have them carry?  And wouldn't that, then, allow them to figure out what they're made of?

So then, when DJ tries to lay full responsibility of not feeling like she can be herself at home, I can say, "I'm listening, tell me what you mean" while not buying into the idea that if she feels this way, it is all my fault!  I'm willing to accept that I may have been a part of the problem, but this newfound realization makes me know that because she and I are not joined at the hip, and because Bulldog and I have made huge efforts at helping, that this issue might be something she needs to explore within herself; some of which we can help her with by shifting our methods of communication, and much of which she will have to be responsible for by altering her methods of communicating her needs and wants to us, or to anyone, for that matter.

I am not one of those people who think that God creates problems and gives them to people so that they may learn a specific lesson.  If that's your god, you're welcome to keep him.  BUT, I do believe that when tough and painful situations arise, God's love, or the energy in the universe that connects us to each other, (I'm open to any possibility because I don't have the answers, nor do I believe any one group has the answers), works as a tool, or a means of helping us to wrought good from a bad situation.  

Bulldog and I are beat @$$ tired, and wrung out, frustrated and wish we could help DJ, but we're also at a place of acceptance, in a manner of speaking.  And when you're ready to let go, you're ready to grab onto the next hope of possibility.  Now, we'll see how I feel after we see her tonight;  I have to hold tightly to this new perspective.

Lean on me...I am, I am

I am so thankful to have started this blog.  I thought I was passing on some of what we've learned;  little did I conceive of how much wisdom others would be kind enough to share, as well.

Bulldog and I can swing quite easily from feeling like we've dropped the ball to wondering, seriously what the hell else could we have done to help DJ avoid the pit she feels like she's in right now.  It's a tough place to be in, as any parent can attest.  There's a fine line between doing for your kid so that they can and will help themselves, and doing so much for your kid that they won't accept responsibility for their portion of the work required.  Your reminders and support help keep us grounded, otherwise we'd be catapulting our way down that slippery slope of codependence.

DJ shared with us, for the few moments we could see her yesterday, that she felt she couldn't be herself around us. She went on to say that she didn't feel like she was part of the family.  That revelation blew me away and I, immediately and simultaneously, felt responsible and like she was out of her cotton pickin' mind.  How did we ever make her feel that way?  Each person in our family gets along better with her than each other, in most instances.  Now, maybe that's a double edged sword-a blessing and a burden to be the person that other family members gravitate to.  But it's seldom in a way that we burden her, more that she's more easy going and fun to be around.  She's the most low-maintenance person in our family.  I don't believe in assigning labels to family members particularly if they are negative or assume that no one else in the family can be the "easy going one", but sometimes the labels are a result or outgrowth of a person's natural tendencies toward certain personality traits.  So which came first, the chicken or the egg?

Maybe DJ feels we assigned her certain roles that she is resisting, or maybe she is just being a teenager who is resisting her parents and wants to believe we are conducting ourselves as parents a certain way, because she's TG.  She's not giving us much info at the moment, but we'll be patient and wait until she shares her feelings with us.

In the meantime, I will continue to touch base with you fine folks because you're helping me.  Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

Six Feet Under

Bulldog and I are reeling.  DJ has been attempting to hide how depressed she feels for a number of months now, and we finally got to the bottom of it.  She checked into a facility that can support her and help her get back on her feet.  Thank GOD for professional people who care, genuinely care, about our girl.

Bulldog and I take turns falling apart.  It's hard to see our daughter reach this point where the pain is so unbearable that she just can't bear it anymore.  The tiredness we saw in her face was simultaneously disheartening and encouraging.  When a person is tired of fighting something in the only way she knew how, and is ready to give up, then she's also ready to deal with the pain instead of avoiding it.  Then, maybe, just maybe, she can control the pain somewhat instead of the pain controlling her.

Bulldog at one point mirrored back to me exactly what I had been thinking:  what happens to the kids who don't have resources?  Our kid has a good support system in the form of her parents and family, her therapist and her doctors and she still folded to the overwhelming pressures of society's non-acceptance and shunning.  Granted, I would have folded a long time ago, so I am not negatively judging DJ for finally succumbing to the rejection.  But what the hell happens to the kids who don't have any support or resources?

We know what happens to many of them, don't we?  There seems to be no way out because in their world, there truly is no way out.  I do not advocate suicide-ever- but try to explain to a 15 year old who has no acceptance at home or out in the world that if he/she can just hang in there until she's an adult, that everything will suddenly be ok.  Seriously?  No wonder suicide seems like a viable alternative.  Again, I do not advocate suicide-EVER- but we are fooling ourselves if we don't recognize how attractive an alternative it must seem to be to people who spend nearly every waking second of their day on the outside looking in.  OH.  MY.  GOD.  When the implications of that truly sink in, it's overwhelming to contemplate.

So, parents, if you're struggling with accepting your kid, let me remind you again of what you may face if you can't find a way to overcome your struggles:  you can lose your child to a desperate act of violence that your child takes against him or herself.  Instead of spending, or borrowing, thousands of dollars for college tuition, or a car, or the deposit on an apartment, you could be spending that same money on a funeral and a headstone that will sit in a cemetery getting rained on, and snowed on, and neglected when you're not there.  THAT will be your future with your child.

We have done nearly everything parents can do to love and accept our child and STILL the pressures of non-acceptance out in the world invaded the safe place we attempted to create for our beloved daughter.  We're lucky because we are pain in the ass people who are compulsive about our kids so not much gets by us.  Our jobs out in the world have prepared us to look at our kids under a microscope, thank goodness, so we recognized what we saw almost as soon as we saw it. That, and the fact that DJ has a best friend, Sister Chromatid, who alerted us as soon as she knew DJ was in trouble. (We love, love, love Sister Chromatid.  She's a tiny package full to the brim with love and exuberance.) And even with all that in place, the world still got to DJ.  We're here to catch her and she will be ok.  But what about the kids and the adults who don't have the safety net?  Where do they end up, oftentimes?  Six feet under....

So, to repeat information on resources:  please check out the links on the blog.  PFLAG has support groups that meet monthly in many places.  That once a month meeting could be your kid's lifeline.  If you or your child are at the end of your rope, or will be soon, try the TREVOR HOTLINE at 1-866-488-7386.  They are wonderful.  Can't get to a meeting?  Go online to Laura's Playground for online chat rooms.  Don't have a computer, consider going to the public library.  If not, call the TREVOR HOTLINE as a minimum.  Anyone interested in becoming part of an online support group that maybe we can establish?  I can try to learn everything I can to get this thing up and running-we need to be part of the solution folks.  We have to find a way to add to the pot of resources for those who have limited access to resources....Please help.

Achieving Balance

The blog is generating (I initially typed genderating-pretty funny, huh?) more and more comments that are inspiring to me because I think they'll spark conversation in families who are trying to come to terms with this issue.

In my previous blog I had mentioned DJ's taking issue with my keeping photos out in our home that depicted her when she was living her life as JD, our "son."  This has been a tough issue that I'm sure other families are grappling with.  On the one hand, if your family members have transitioned and no longer present as the gender they were born and initially raised as, they certainly may take issue with having reminders around the house, and who can blame them.

But conversely, how do we as parents, grandparents, and siblings, not to mention aunts and uncles, and cousins, erase our memories of that "other" beloved family member.  It's a real conundrum because in spite of the fact that we know JD was struggling to keep DJ under wraps, and we understand as much as we're able that this must have been excruciating for her, we also interacted with that person, and he, who is really she, with us.  The pictures at the beach of DJ, living as JD, building sandcastles with her brothers, dressing up as a waiter to bring Bulldog his breakfast in bed on Father's Day, exhibiting the giant gap that two lost teeth created one summer day, wearing bathing trunks after accompanying Romeo and I down the slip and slide in our front yard....these are ironclad memories-what do we do with them?

I've seriously considered taking a number of photos and having them photoshopped with a girl's hairdo superimposed over JD's "boy" haircuts so that we can display them without making DJ uncomfortable.  It requires "erasing" some aspects of the memory which is.....strange, but necessary?  I added the question mark to that sentence because is it necessary?  Well, apparently it is for DJ, and that's reason enough.

And that brings up the idea of remembering to use the proper pronoun when referring to the past when the person you remembered looked and to a certain degree, acted, differently than she does now.  When DJ was living as JD, we completely took her as JD;  well, of course we did!!!  So now, when we tell a family story, and we're always regaling each other with those because one of our family hobbies is throwing each other under the bus for a good laugh, we have to remember to remember JD as DJ.  Even though we are recalling mental images of a little boy, we have to transpose those memories when speaking of them by saying "she" instead of "he".  Mind, we are glad to do it, but it can be challenging

Bulldog and I have been doing it for nearly two years and on a very frequent basis, so it's not difficult.  But this Christmas we spent more time, contiguously, with our sons than we have since DJ came out and they weren't as well rehearsed in this.  Subsequently, they would recall a story and accidentally say "he" in referring to DJ in the past tense.  Bulldog and I had to privately chat with them, asking them to try to be a bit more aware of this dynamic so that they could mentally censor themselves and then come up with the appropriate pronoun that reflects who DJ actually  is today (and was then, in spite of presenting as JD.)  OMG-this is complicated!!!

Goodwrench and Romeo adore DJ and will do anything for her, so naturally, they made very successful transitions to using the correct pronoun, even when speaking in past tense.  Sheesh-DJ is SO worth the efforts, but it's some mental juggling that can be a challenge.

One of my blog readers, who keeps a great blog herself, "Traveling Transgendered" -check it out- in responding to my post yesterday, shared this:

Honestly I'm kind of torn here. Of course any decent parent will try and put their childrens welfare ahead of their own, but I can't help thinking that young DJ is not the only person in your family and her feelings are not the only ones that matter. Those photos are also your memories and your husbands memories and you have a right to them. I wouldn't feel bad about not having taken them down if I were you.


The author, Kim, makes an excellent point about balance, without actually using the word.  Good relationships are defined by all members making a great effort at achieving a balance between their needs and wants juxtaposed against the needs and wants of other family members, and the needs and wants of the family as a whole.  Most of us will have multiple entities involved that we are all trying to balance.  So, how do we manage it?  


There is no pat answer, save this:  constant conversation.  Oops, here's another pat answer:  vigilant consideration of each other's feelings and comfort levels.  And another one:  willingness to compromise.  If the transgendered person is our child, we want to sacrifice for our children, but if we do that too much, we raise a self-centered child.  The fact that the self-centered child is transgender is irrelevant.  Self-centered people won't do well in relationships, regardless of gender or orientation, or anything else for that matter.  If the transgendered persons are the parents and they sacrifice too much for their children,  they risk having  unhappy and unfulfilling lives.  We all want to make concessions for the person in our family who faces the most challenges, and that is noble and righteous.  But if we make too many, we upset the balance of the family.  Somehow, we have to find a way to "Walk placidly amid the noise and haste" * of our lives and the lives of our transgender family members and balance all of our needs. 


So, maybe Bulldog and I will keep pictures of JD in a more private place, or maybe we'll have some photos altered to reflect JD as DJ so that we can display them more publicly for her sake and ours.  Maybe we'll do both and maybe we'll talk to her and explain our conundrum and she can accept our feelings and tolerate a picture or two of her when she lived as JD.  It will be an ongoing process. That's all I have to offer-sorry-I wish I had something more concrete for people who are on the same path.  Anyone have any other suggestions, 'cause I'm listening.
* The Desiderita