For JS: Any port in a storm

I had a lovely response from a reader (JS) who has lived in the wrong body her whole life.  She has only privately honored her true identity and never publicly.  My thoughts are with her today and she has inspired today's post.  I hope that in referring to her as her, in spite of the fact that she apparently lives life as a man, she knows that it's because I support who she is in spite of her having to be closeted.

She described how music has been her haven and her curse.  She did not expound on how it has been a curse, but I can imagine it may have something to do with protecting her true identity as a woman.  Nonetheless, when she cited her love of music as a lifeline, and I'm paraphrasing her, I realized how very important those lifelines must be to people who may feel they have very little else to keep them from getting lost among the mateless gloves and forgotten scarves in the closet that they feel they must hide in.

Music has been DJ's lifeline, as well.  I have written only sparingly about her love of music and her musical abilities because I consciously never thought about the importance music has had for her until JS posted her comment.  It was almost as if in suppressing her true self,  her musical abilities became suppressed as well and in letting herself shine, so did her ability to enjoy and create music.

There are many days where DJ either can't or won't share the details of her life with us.  Yes, I know, before any of you DJ fans become incensed on her behalf, she is a teenager and this hyper-protectiveness of her privacy is part and parcel of the package.  Bulldog is much better at letting her waters level out than I am.  In my previous life, I must have been a pry bar because I just can't let anything go-I have to keep digging and forcing until I pluck something out of her and then send her, accidentally, flying across the room in my zeal to get to the bottom of the problem.  I wish Juliet were awake; I would ask her to draw a comic strip of DJ, sitting square on her bum, glitter peep toe pumps sparkling, pink feather earrings peeking from her hair, as she says to me, while I stand across the room, pry bar in hand, "There!  Are you happy now?!"

Usually, if Bulldog can convince me to leave well enough alone, DJ will disappear into her music for hours.  Sometimes she plays the piano, but usually she's composing.  If she had never come out, would we, and maybe the YouTube world, have been deprived of her talents?  Quite possibly.  But more importantly,  she would have been deprived of another aspect of herself.

So, if your kid is IMMERSING him or herself in something constructive and you're thinking that old adage, "Even too much of a good thing isn't good", put YOUR pry bar away and back off.  Not only might this interest provide for your child a path or a means of touching base and realizing your child's true identity, it may be your kids' lifeline, or your kids' therapy, or your kids' shelter in a storm as they are forced to trek through five feet of snow and hurricane force winds to find their way home;  while the rest of us who were born into the bodies that match our brains, or who are lucky enough to be "in" with the "in" world navigate our lives wearing snowshoes, these folks are often barefoot.  So, if you can help your kid find that "thing" that turns them on, do it.  Yes, you will be exhausted much of the time helping him/her achieve proficiency, success and comfort, but as you stagger to your bed for your few hours of sleep, know that maybe tonight your kid will sleep well too.  We can't always give our kids everything they need, but we can let them use the hell out of what they need once they figure out what that thing is.  What we think of as a mere "hobby" may be the difference between whether or not your kid even wants to wake up the next morning, at least on some days.

And yeah, you may not like their interest....DJ's recent foray into the world of "dubstep" music is not what I would consider easy listening, but that's what headphones are for.  For her of course, not me, because after all, it's my house too and while I support her, we don't have to share EVERYTHING, right?

Aliens, Sushi and Taboo, oh my.

This is what I get for staying up late with my kids watching alien movies and then sleeping in the next morning:  a wicked caffeine withdrawal headache.  But so worth it when I remember the fun we had.

After feeling kinda crummy following my conversation with Romeo, as detailed in yesterday's post, we went to the mall for a few hours to let the kids use their gift cards, grabbed some sushi on the way home, and then followed dinner with a game of Taboo.  Goodwrench's girlfriend joined us this time;  we'll call her Geller, after Monica Geller on the old TV show "Friends" because:  1) she looks like her 2) she's spunky like her  and 3) she has a freaky propensity for organization/neatness that I personally LOVE.  Juliet wasn't with us and she was missed; the rest of us divided into teams.  We avoided the boys vs. girls teams this time because it got too heated when we did that playing the game "Battle of the Sexes."

Taboo is a great game for getting people to come out of their shells.  All of us were somewhat reserved the first few rounds.  After that, it was no holds barred.  DJ's cheeks were pink with her exertions and extortions to try to describe the word we had to guess. The normally reserved Bulldog even became a goofball in spite of painstakingly doing his best for his team.  So much so, that I caught him shoving chopsticks under his lip doing an impression of a walrus. Geller was exasperated with his painstaking-ness because she's a "snap to it" kind of girl, which completely cracks Bulldog up.  Goodwrench is almost always easy come-easy go about almost anything, except politics and PLEASE don't get him started on THAT.  But he had to make fun of Geller because she insisted on using the game cards in an orderly, color coded method.  Romeo was laughing so hard he reminded me of his 5 year old self.  And of course, he prided himself on coming up with our team name.  When Goodwrench, Geller and Bulldog came up with "Team Awesome" for Team A, Romeo came up with "Team Better than You" for Team B, which turned out to be apt because we indeed smoked them 100 to 82.

I had to end the evening watching a happy alien movie because we all are kind of alien freaks around here.  We love talking about conspiracy theories, and UFOs, aliens, the end of the Mayan calender....or is it the Aztecs or the Incas? I can't remember.  Anyway, Goodwrench showed us an alarming YouTube video with an underlying doomsday alien invasion theme that kind of spooked me so we had to watch "Contact" so that I could believe in philanthropic aliens before I went to sleep.

And that's how we ended our evening-DJ putting her ice cold feet in my lap because the warmth of her feet is way more important than my comfort.  Romeo fretting that if I reclined on the sofa I would fall asleep (he hates it when I fall asleep when we're supposed to be watching together), Goodwrench and Geller snuggling on one end of the sofa, and Bulldog hanging in there until he went to bed because he had to get up early the next day.  He's not the big alien freak that the rest of us are, but he is patient with our weirdness. No, it wasn't Christmas day, but I felt very connected to my family and I think they felt connected too.  Never underestimate the power of Aliens, Sushi and Taboo to bring a family together.

Post-Christmas rumination

I had a long talk with Romeo this morning that has left me feeling a bit bummed.  He had hoped for a more meaningful Christmas this year in light of the fact that his girlfriend Juliet would be joining us;  he wanted to share our traditions so it would be special for her.

We don't have that many traditions due to a variety of reasons:  it's hard to get all of us together at the same time, I work shift work, the last few years have been marked by illnesses in our extended families necessitating some changes in how and when we celebrate Christmas.  So, when Romeo and Juliet arrived at our home midafternoon Christmas day, Romeo envisioned a leisurely afternoon of opening gifts.  He didn't anticipate that others in the family were eager to get started opening gifts, or giving gifts, or that we would stop the process so that we could talk to beloved relatives via skype on the other side of the world, or that we miscommunicated when we would gather so that I hurried a haphazard dinner because it had already been in the oven for 2 hours. No, I guess Christmas didn't play out the way he planned, or the way I had planned either, but we all know what they say about the best laid plans.

Well, we obviously don't all know because Romeo doesn't understand that sometimes the best laid plans go awry; I guess on some level, neither do I, hence my guilt.

So, now I'm left feeling that I dropped the ball somehow.  I know, I know, it's mother guilt and I shouldn't pay it too much heed, yet I can more successfully lay issues to rest if I think through them, which I will attempt to do here.  If you don't mind, keep reading;  if you do mind, there is a little "x" on your screen either on the top right or left of your screen (depending on whether you have a Mac or PC) that will help you escape my ruminating.

I so wish that every Christmas could be meaningful, heartfelt, and a source of real connection between family members.  After celebrating 46 Christmases, I now know that it just isn't possible.  I try, I really do, to find a way to make the day special, but I am not a mind-reader and even if I were, how could I, even with Bulldog's help, make Christmas what everyone wants it to be?

And how do I make Romeo understand that from this point forward, Christmas, no matter where or how he celebrates it, is what he makes of it?  I'm so sad he is disappointed but I hope he can understand that so much of what we get out of something is based on what we put into it-our expectations, our ability to accept what others want and need out of the occasion, our ability to accept that times change and to accept the reality that if we can hope for and achieve a few moments of real connection with each other that we have succeeded in reaching each other and that can be enough.

Romeo is crossing the bridge from childhood to adulthood and he is feeling every tiring footstep of the journey.  How do I tell him that so many of us miss those ethereal Christmases of our childhoods, where the whole day seemed endearing and full of meaning and magic?  How do I show him that the reality is, that as adults, it's what we make of it.  Some folks hit the nail on the head with their celebrations where the planets are all aligned, and Jupiter is in the 7th house, everything is timed perfectly, everyone is in the same frame of mind, and all the important people are in the same place at the same time and want to do the same things at the same time.  We've had a few of those ourselves, but some years we miss the mark because life gets in the way.  And I guess this year, we missed, at least in some aspects.  But then again, there are 364 other days of the year to connect. Or that's how I've come to look at it.  I hope he can understand and I hope for another chance next Christmas to enjoy a special day with family.

I'm not sure who I"m trying to convince here-him or me.

Wishing for a "do-over"

DJ's childhood friend came by yesterday.  They've know each other since they were six years old, attended first grade together, and hung out at each other's houses for years.  When DJ came out, this young man was quite taken aback but stated to his mom, a longtime friend of ours, that he had known DJ since they were little and would stand by her.  Which he has in many ways.  So, when he came by yesterday, I was surprised to see DJ's mood just sink.

No one else noticed her decline in spirits because they were busy visiting and DJ chose to hang out with me in the kitchen, which overlooks the family room, but affords some separation from that room.  As soon as this young man left, DJ shut herself in her room.

I gave her a few minutes and then followed her into her room.  She sat on her bed looking lost.  I had heard this nice young man inadvertently say, "How's it goin' man?" to DJ when he first came in and I saw her face fall so I knew what had upset her.  Or so I thought.  But it was more than that.  She explained her feelings to me and ended with, "I just wish we could move and leave this stupid small town and start all over somewhere new."

An appealing idea, but not possible for us.

I started to explain to Bill that DJ was upset and he was puzzled.  He expressed that the young man had been cordial, accepted DJ, and everything else I already knew as well.  I told him what DJ shared with me:

Yes, he was "nice" to her but he was one of the most flirtatious guys in school who ordinarily greeted girls by picking them up and hugging them.  The fact that he may consider her too much of a friend or sister figure didn't matter to DJ.  The fact of the matter was that DJ just wants to be treated like any other girl at school and that simply is not the way it is most of the time.  This young man's actions that were so unlike his common behaviors just signaled to DJ that she was different, again, even if he didn't intend that.

To many people at school, she is the "girl who used to be a guy" and she is SICK of it.  I can only sigh in empathy because I can only imagine what it must be like for her.  She has put up a brave front for quite awhile but she is tired now.  Most people just aren't capable of responding to the person in front of them and their awkwardness manifests itself on some molecular level that DJ can pick up and now she's so sensitized, that even if there is no awkwardness in a situation, I suspect she looks for it and finds it even when it's not there.  And who can blame her?  Not me, that's for sure.

Romeo expressed that he went through a rough time in junior high experiencing kids alternately mocking him and avoiding him and it started a process of social anxiety that he still has to work to control, on occasion.  I can sympathize, as can most of us, and we don't have the same "stigma" attached to who we are.

I  had a conversation with a young lady in a bank last week.  She made a remark, albeit innocently, about JD, having no idea how much pain she was causing me when she said it.  Our town is so small that we always run into people we know, or who recognize our last name because we've had multiple kids go through the school system here.  No wonder DJ wants to get away-there's no getting away from the stigma.

She's becoming more withdrawn when she has to go to school.  Bulldog and I are weighing the options about school.  Homeschooling is looking mighty attractive but we worry about DJ being socially isolated. Is it better to be socially isolated at home or in a school full of peers?  It's hard to say.

We are entertaining options-perhaps dual enrollment at high school and at community college.  She'll cross paths with her true friends at high school, have minimum interaction with the folks who don't matter because she'll only spend part of her day there; she can then spend a good portion of her day in a place where she can truly start over and just be DJ-the sweet, wonderful, happy go lucky girl with none of that other "she used to be" crap.  All I know is we have to do something.  I'm dreading the end of Christmas break as much as DJ is.

Donning your Bully-proof vest

Years ago, I was married to a man who had his own considerable feelings of worthlessness.  I see that now.  But back then, I didn't.  So, when he kept his feelings of worthlessness at bay by harping on my shortcomings, I bought his story about me hook, line and sinker.

Now, this man happened to be Apple's older brother.  Apple is a regular reader of this blog, so if anyone is thinking I am slamming her older brother and thereby hurting her feelings, fear not.  Apple and I have had many discourses about her brother over the years and I am not saying anything she doesn't already know.

Truth be told, Apple's brother, my first husband, often resorted to bullying.  We have all heard that bullies are insecure which is why they pick on the rest of us.  But let us dissect this in detail.  You can show me pictures of a human brain all day long but that doesn't mean I understand it's functions or how it functions.    Let's dissect bullies because if we understand the "why" of what they do, perhaps they will have less power over us.  I say "less" because I realize that if bullies are resorting to physical aggression, it's gonna hurt you no matter how much you understand WHY they do it.  BUT, when it comes to emotional and psychological bullying, or torture, let us consider that information can act like a Bully-Proof vest.

If you're not familiar with how a police officer's bullet proof vest works, let me give you a brief explanation.  When a bullet hits a police officer's bullet proof vest, the force of the bullet is immediately spread across the fabric of the vest so that it cannot penetrate the vest.  The wearer will still likely get knocked off his/her feet, may get the wind knocked out of him, may even be thrown to the ground or knocked unconscious, all of which are unsettling, but at least the wearer will survive the hit with little to no lasting consequences.

Back to Apple's brother.  The man fought with feelings of worthlessness his entire life, like so many of us do. Yet,  his problems were compounded by genuine depression and he may have been suffering from bi-polar disorder.  We will never know for certain because he took his own life 13 years ago.  I didn't have the maturity, insight, or strength of self to understand that his constant badgering, harassing, insulting and physical acting out were all about his feelings of worthlessness and his ATTEMPTS AT CONTROLLING those feelings.  When he couldn't control those feelings, which was more often than not, he attempted to control what he could, which was me.

What he harassed me about on a very regular basis was the laundry.  I hated doing laundry.  My house could be neat as a pin, with a hot, delicious dinner on the table, and children in clean diapers but I would always have at least two or three loads of laundry that needed attention.  This drove my first husband nuts.  And he refused to help me.  It was, in his view, my job.  So, when he would mock me, or harass or taunt me about it, I would usually get defensive and immediately do every bit of laundry in the house in an effort to prove to him and myself that I was not as worthless as he made me seem.

AND THIS IS HOW HE CONTROLLED HIS WORLD.  He was in a constant state of chaos on the inside, so he tried to control his outside world instead BECAUSE HE COULD.  This is what bullies do, they bully because they CAN.

Apple, in her wisdom, pointed out to me that I must have believed, on some level, every word of what he said because otherwise, it wouldn't bother me.  Granted, this seemed pretty pat, but sometimes the simplest explanation is the correct one, and so it was in this instance. It took maturity, a second marriage and years of therapy before I learned to put on my bully proof vest.  To do it, I had to look at myself really hard and accept what I saw.

I am flawed and imperfect.  My butt is too big and I have a big mouth when it comes to my opinions.  I can be introverted when I'm feeling insecure and short tempered when I'm feeling out of control.  I still suck at doing laundry (fortunately Bulldog is a laundry expert) and I hate doing paperwork.  Guess what?  I am no better or worse than most people.  It's just that most other people are REALLY good at looking as if they don't have a care in the world.  They are great fakers.  My guess is folks who get bullied most often are the ones who just aren't good at faking confidence-so sue me.  I'm too freaking honest in how I present myself to the world.

Check out the following info gleaned from the book, The Social Animal by David Brooks, pp.218-220:

"The human mind is an overconfidence machine.  The conscious level gives itself credit for things it really didn't do and confabulates tales to create the illusion it controls things it really doesn't determine...This overconfidence comes in many varieties....People overestimate what they know....they overestimate what they can know.....And the telling thing is that self-confidance has very little to do with actual competence.  A great body of research find that incompetent people exaggerate their own abilities more grossly than their better performing peers. One study showed that those who scored in the bottom quartile on tests of logic, grammar and humor were especially likely to overestimate their abilities.  Many people are not only incompetent, they are in denial about how incompetent they are."

Yet, we've bought into the idea that they know something that we don't.  Let the fabric of your Bully Proof vest be comprised of the knowledge that bullies are full of $ - - -.  They know next to nothing and their talent is acting as if they know everything.  Can you imagine if that was one of your few talents-Bullshitting?  No wonder they have to act like they do-they got nothin' else.

Your bully proof vest is comprised of knowledge of these poor folks-they are people who are not very intelligent, are insecure, and most of all, they are liars because they misrepresent themselves in the world, and they do it at your expense, so add to the list that they are cowards.  Maybe they are not like that in other aspects of their lives, maybe there are parts of their lives where they are wonderful people, but the moment they bully, they become deceitful, weak, cowardly versions of themselves.  Your vest is woven of threads that say, "I am ok, no worse or better than anyone else; I have my flaws but I'm a good person who doesn't like to hurt others.  Is that all you got?  Ignorance?  Name calling?  Are you feeling better by lying to yourself and everyone around you?  How does it feel to be a coward?  You don't mind drowning someone else so you can stay afloat? It must suck to be you."

You are good-a message from Disney

This is good stuff-please check it out

http://www.facebook.com/l.php?u=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.youtube.com%2Fwatch%3Fv%3DOCSUfFStTQE&h=qAQGM16k8

Re: Bullying : I Am Not a P#$$Y - this video contains mild swear words.