Post-Christmas rumination

I had a long talk with Romeo this morning that has left me feeling a bit bummed.  He had hoped for a more meaningful Christmas this year in light of the fact that his girlfriend Juliet would be joining us;  he wanted to share our traditions so it would be special for her.

We don't have that many traditions due to a variety of reasons:  it's hard to get all of us together at the same time, I work shift work, the last few years have been marked by illnesses in our extended families necessitating some changes in how and when we celebrate Christmas.  So, when Romeo and Juliet arrived at our home midafternoon Christmas day, Romeo envisioned a leisurely afternoon of opening gifts.  He didn't anticipate that others in the family were eager to get started opening gifts, or giving gifts, or that we would stop the process so that we could talk to beloved relatives via skype on the other side of the world, or that we miscommunicated when we would gather so that I hurried a haphazard dinner because it had already been in the oven for 2 hours. No, I guess Christmas didn't play out the way he planned, or the way I had planned either, but we all know what they say about the best laid plans.

Well, we obviously don't all know because Romeo doesn't understand that sometimes the best laid plans go awry; I guess on some level, neither do I, hence my guilt.

So, now I'm left feeling that I dropped the ball somehow.  I know, I know, it's mother guilt and I shouldn't pay it too much heed, yet I can more successfully lay issues to rest if I think through them, which I will attempt to do here.  If you don't mind, keep reading;  if you do mind, there is a little "x" on your screen either on the top right or left of your screen (depending on whether you have a Mac or PC) that will help you escape my ruminating.

I so wish that every Christmas could be meaningful, heartfelt, and a source of real connection between family members.  After celebrating 46 Christmases, I now know that it just isn't possible.  I try, I really do, to find a way to make the day special, but I am not a mind-reader and even if I were, how could I, even with Bulldog's help, make Christmas what everyone wants it to be?

And how do I make Romeo understand that from this point forward, Christmas, no matter where or how he celebrates it, is what he makes of it?  I'm so sad he is disappointed but I hope he can understand that so much of what we get out of something is based on what we put into it-our expectations, our ability to accept what others want and need out of the occasion, our ability to accept that times change and to accept the reality that if we can hope for and achieve a few moments of real connection with each other that we have succeeded in reaching each other and that can be enough.

Romeo is crossing the bridge from childhood to adulthood and he is feeling every tiring footstep of the journey.  How do I tell him that so many of us miss those ethereal Christmases of our childhoods, where the whole day seemed endearing and full of meaning and magic?  How do I show him that the reality is, that as adults, it's what we make of it.  Some folks hit the nail on the head with their celebrations where the planets are all aligned, and Jupiter is in the 7th house, everything is timed perfectly, everyone is in the same frame of mind, and all the important people are in the same place at the same time and want to do the same things at the same time.  We've had a few of those ourselves, but some years we miss the mark because life gets in the way.  And I guess this year, we missed, at least in some aspects.  But then again, there are 364 other days of the year to connect. Or that's how I've come to look at it.  I hope he can understand and I hope for another chance next Christmas to enjoy a special day with family.

I'm not sure who I"m trying to convince here-him or me.

Wishing for a "do-over"

DJ's childhood friend came by yesterday.  They've know each other since they were six years old, attended first grade together, and hung out at each other's houses for years.  When DJ came out, this young man was quite taken aback but stated to his mom, a longtime friend of ours, that he had known DJ since they were little and would stand by her.  Which he has in many ways.  So, when he came by yesterday, I was surprised to see DJ's mood just sink.

No one else noticed her decline in spirits because they were busy visiting and DJ chose to hang out with me in the kitchen, which overlooks the family room, but affords some separation from that room.  As soon as this young man left, DJ shut herself in her room.

I gave her a few minutes and then followed her into her room.  She sat on her bed looking lost.  I had heard this nice young man inadvertently say, "How's it goin' man?" to DJ when he first came in and I saw her face fall so I knew what had upset her.  Or so I thought.  But it was more than that.  She explained her feelings to me and ended with, "I just wish we could move and leave this stupid small town and start all over somewhere new."

An appealing idea, but not possible for us.

I started to explain to Bill that DJ was upset and he was puzzled.  He expressed that the young man had been cordial, accepted DJ, and everything else I already knew as well.  I told him what DJ shared with me:

Yes, he was "nice" to her but he was one of the most flirtatious guys in school who ordinarily greeted girls by picking them up and hugging them.  The fact that he may consider her too much of a friend or sister figure didn't matter to DJ.  The fact of the matter was that DJ just wants to be treated like any other girl at school and that simply is not the way it is most of the time.  This young man's actions that were so unlike his common behaviors just signaled to DJ that she was different, again, even if he didn't intend that.

To many people at school, she is the "girl who used to be a guy" and she is SICK of it.  I can only sigh in empathy because I can only imagine what it must be like for her.  She has put up a brave front for quite awhile but she is tired now.  Most people just aren't capable of responding to the person in front of them and their awkwardness manifests itself on some molecular level that DJ can pick up and now she's so sensitized, that even if there is no awkwardness in a situation, I suspect she looks for it and finds it even when it's not there.  And who can blame her?  Not me, that's for sure.

Romeo expressed that he went through a rough time in junior high experiencing kids alternately mocking him and avoiding him and it started a process of social anxiety that he still has to work to control, on occasion.  I can sympathize, as can most of us, and we don't have the same "stigma" attached to who we are.

I  had a conversation with a young lady in a bank last week.  She made a remark, albeit innocently, about JD, having no idea how much pain she was causing me when she said it.  Our town is so small that we always run into people we know, or who recognize our last name because we've had multiple kids go through the school system here.  No wonder DJ wants to get away-there's no getting away from the stigma.

She's becoming more withdrawn when she has to go to school.  Bulldog and I are weighing the options about school.  Homeschooling is looking mighty attractive but we worry about DJ being socially isolated. Is it better to be socially isolated at home or in a school full of peers?  It's hard to say.

We are entertaining options-perhaps dual enrollment at high school and at community college.  She'll cross paths with her true friends at high school, have minimum interaction with the folks who don't matter because she'll only spend part of her day there; she can then spend a good portion of her day in a place where she can truly start over and just be DJ-the sweet, wonderful, happy go lucky girl with none of that other "she used to be" crap.  All I know is we have to do something.  I'm dreading the end of Christmas break as much as DJ is.

Donning your Bully-proof vest

Years ago, I was married to a man who had his own considerable feelings of worthlessness.  I see that now.  But back then, I didn't.  So, when he kept his feelings of worthlessness at bay by harping on my shortcomings, I bought his story about me hook, line and sinker.

Now, this man happened to be Apple's older brother.  Apple is a regular reader of this blog, so if anyone is thinking I am slamming her older brother and thereby hurting her feelings, fear not.  Apple and I have had many discourses about her brother over the years and I am not saying anything she doesn't already know.

Truth be told, Apple's brother, my first husband, often resorted to bullying.  We have all heard that bullies are insecure which is why they pick on the rest of us.  But let us dissect this in detail.  You can show me pictures of a human brain all day long but that doesn't mean I understand it's functions or how it functions.    Let's dissect bullies because if we understand the "why" of what they do, perhaps they will have less power over us.  I say "less" because I realize that if bullies are resorting to physical aggression, it's gonna hurt you no matter how much you understand WHY they do it.  BUT, when it comes to emotional and psychological bullying, or torture, let us consider that information can act like a Bully-Proof vest.

If you're not familiar with how a police officer's bullet proof vest works, let me give you a brief explanation.  When a bullet hits a police officer's bullet proof vest, the force of the bullet is immediately spread across the fabric of the vest so that it cannot penetrate the vest.  The wearer will still likely get knocked off his/her feet, may get the wind knocked out of him, may even be thrown to the ground or knocked unconscious, all of which are unsettling, but at least the wearer will survive the hit with little to no lasting consequences.

Back to Apple's brother.  The man fought with feelings of worthlessness his entire life, like so many of us do. Yet,  his problems were compounded by genuine depression and he may have been suffering from bi-polar disorder.  We will never know for certain because he took his own life 13 years ago.  I didn't have the maturity, insight, or strength of self to understand that his constant badgering, harassing, insulting and physical acting out were all about his feelings of worthlessness and his ATTEMPTS AT CONTROLLING those feelings.  When he couldn't control those feelings, which was more often than not, he attempted to control what he could, which was me.

What he harassed me about on a very regular basis was the laundry.  I hated doing laundry.  My house could be neat as a pin, with a hot, delicious dinner on the table, and children in clean diapers but I would always have at least two or three loads of laundry that needed attention.  This drove my first husband nuts.  And he refused to help me.  It was, in his view, my job.  So, when he would mock me, or harass or taunt me about it, I would usually get defensive and immediately do every bit of laundry in the house in an effort to prove to him and myself that I was not as worthless as he made me seem.

AND THIS IS HOW HE CONTROLLED HIS WORLD.  He was in a constant state of chaos on the inside, so he tried to control his outside world instead BECAUSE HE COULD.  This is what bullies do, they bully because they CAN.

Apple, in her wisdom, pointed out to me that I must have believed, on some level, every word of what he said because otherwise, it wouldn't bother me.  Granted, this seemed pretty pat, but sometimes the simplest explanation is the correct one, and so it was in this instance. It took maturity, a second marriage and years of therapy before I learned to put on my bully proof vest.  To do it, I had to look at myself really hard and accept what I saw.

I am flawed and imperfect.  My butt is too big and I have a big mouth when it comes to my opinions.  I can be introverted when I'm feeling insecure and short tempered when I'm feeling out of control.  I still suck at doing laundry (fortunately Bulldog is a laundry expert) and I hate doing paperwork.  Guess what?  I am no better or worse than most people.  It's just that most other people are REALLY good at looking as if they don't have a care in the world.  They are great fakers.  My guess is folks who get bullied most often are the ones who just aren't good at faking confidence-so sue me.  I'm too freaking honest in how I present myself to the world.

Check out the following info gleaned from the book, The Social Animal by David Brooks, pp.218-220:

"The human mind is an overconfidence machine.  The conscious level gives itself credit for things it really didn't do and confabulates tales to create the illusion it controls things it really doesn't determine...This overconfidence comes in many varieties....People overestimate what they know....they overestimate what they can know.....And the telling thing is that self-confidance has very little to do with actual competence.  A great body of research find that incompetent people exaggerate their own abilities more grossly than their better performing peers. One study showed that those who scored in the bottom quartile on tests of logic, grammar and humor were especially likely to overestimate their abilities.  Many people are not only incompetent, they are in denial about how incompetent they are."

Yet, we've bought into the idea that they know something that we don't.  Let the fabric of your Bully Proof vest be comprised of the knowledge that bullies are full of $ - - -.  They know next to nothing and their talent is acting as if they know everything.  Can you imagine if that was one of your few talents-Bullshitting?  No wonder they have to act like they do-they got nothin' else.

Your bully proof vest is comprised of knowledge of these poor folks-they are people who are not very intelligent, are insecure, and most of all, they are liars because they misrepresent themselves in the world, and they do it at your expense, so add to the list that they are cowards.  Maybe they are not like that in other aspects of their lives, maybe there are parts of their lives where they are wonderful people, but the moment they bully, they become deceitful, weak, cowardly versions of themselves.  Your vest is woven of threads that say, "I am ok, no worse or better than anyone else; I have my flaws but I'm a good person who doesn't like to hurt others.  Is that all you got?  Ignorance?  Name calling?  Are you feeling better by lying to yourself and everyone around you?  How does it feel to be a coward?  You don't mind drowning someone else so you can stay afloat? It must suck to be you."

You are good-a message from Disney

This is good stuff-please check it out

http://www.facebook.com/l.php?u=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.youtube.com%2Fwatch%3Fv%3DOCSUfFStTQE&h=qAQGM16k8

Re: Bullying : I Am Not a P#$$Y - this video contains mild swear words.

Cloning Juliet

Romeo's girlfriend is here with us this week.  Naturally, we will call her Juliet.  Juliet and I were discussing DJ's social issues at school.  I was explaining that this group of kids, who formerly adored JD, now basically ignore DJ.  In her impressively deep wisdom and empathy, especially in light of her very young years, she remarked, "Indifference is so much worse than anything else."

Don't get me wrong-I am thankful that no one has attempted to physically harm DJ because I know that happens to LGBTQ folks ALL  THE  TIME.  But this shunning is psychological warfare.

If I were a person who was merely disliked and that dislike came in the form of dirty looks in the hallway, kids whispering to each other as I walked past, that would be horrific to endure every single day.  However, when I sit in the same classroom with six kids, roughly one third of the classroom, who ignore me completely-they make no eye contact with me, they pretend to not see me when they divide into pairs to work on projects (I can't believe teachers still let students break into groups independently) even when I'm standing alone in the classroom while the pairs of students begin their work- THIS is the same as saying I don't exist.  My presence is SO unimportant to them, that in their view, I am simply not present.  I AM NOT THERE, in their view.

Believe me, I want to give these kids a break because I've known them since they were little kids too.  I want to acknowledge what a difficult process for them this must be, etc., etc., yet, in the end, naturally, my empathy rests with my daughter.

No wonder so many LGBTQ kids end up depressed, anxious, engage in cutting, or attempt to control their lives in unhealthy ways.  They just want to be able to call the shots in their own freaking lives, for heaven's sake.

What do we know about bullying?  Not much since it's still fairly prevalent.  But we're learning.  How many decades did we secretly harbor disgust at the victim of bullying because that person appeared weak, or obtuse, odd, antisocial, or like they just didn't fit in with any particular group?  It's the classic "Which came first, the chicken or the egg" scenario.  Was the object of bullying so very different that they seemed to invite the bullying?  Or more likely, did that person shrink in the face of bullying that came in the form of harassment, physical violence, verbal abuse, cyber bullying (the most cowardly form of bullying since the bullies are such pansies that they can't even face their victims) or shunning?

Every single one of us knows that if we put our hand in a fire we will get burned which is why we don't do it.  We avoid direct contact with fire.  We come up with elaborate ways to control fire, we make plans in the event we can't control fire.  We practically create an anti-fire culture to help us deal with the dangers of fire.  This is what happens to people who are systematically denied entry into the social fabric of their world.  They must come up with the means to avoid that very entity that has hurt them in the past, and continues to hurt them in the present, in spite of the fact that they must face that entity on a daily basis.

Now, if any one of us became so paralyzed with fear of getting burned that we couldn't even approach a candle to blow it out, the rest of us would likely look on that person with ridicule.  "Oh for God's sake, it's just a freaking candle. It's not going to hurt you!"  But what if you found out that the person who is so frightened and dreads the candle so terribly was burned horrifically in the past?  We would understand the fear completely and if we were nice people, we would assist them in both avoiding the flame when possible, and coming to grips with facing the flame when necessary.

Victims of bullying, of shunning, can become avoid-ant which can give the appearance of being overly shy, overly fearful, backward or anti-social when in fact they are trying to survive painful circumstances in the same manner that any one of us would, were we in their shoes. So let's stop blaming the "victim" or better yet, let's call these folks the survivors, of bullying, by pretending they asked for it by being different.  They aren't being different, they are being themselves.  It's the rest of us who are so busy coming up with labels for everyone who is not like us who are the problem.  We are not supposed to be identical copies, or clones, of each other.  And thank goodness for that.

Juliet understands the importance of not judging someone until you've walked in that person's shoes.  I do wish, however, that we could clone her.

The FEDS are blazing a happy trail for LGBTQs

Flying Pig has once again kept us in the loop.  Check out what she shared with us yesterday.  And once again, a grateful "Thanks and we love you Flying Pig!" goes out to her.  Another big "Thank you" to Mr. Jonathan Adams, of Lambda Legal and Child Welfare, who granted us permission to share this e-mail with our readership.


I feel like our cause is a ball that's rolling and gaining momentum.  People are listening to those who are speaking up for the LGBTQ community!!  Keep carrying the torch folks :)


Federal Agency to Support Lambda Legal/CWLA Guidelines for LGBTQ Youth in Foster Care 
"The Administration on Children, Youth and Families will make the Recommended Practice Guidelines available to every state child welfare agency in the country to help meet the needs of LGBTQ children." 

(New York, December 14, 2011) - Today, Lambda Legal and the Child Welfare League of America (CWLA) released "Recommended Practice Guidelines to Promote the Safety and Well-Being of Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender and Questioning (LGBTQ) Youth and Youth at Risk of or Living with HIV in Child Welfare Settings." The guide includes national practice guidelines for state and local child welfare agencies to ensure safe and proper care consistent with the best interests LGBTQ children in the child welfare system. 

"The single most important principle contained in the guidelines is that affirming the sexual orientation and gender identity and expression of LGBTQ youth in care protects young peoples' emotional safety and ensures positive outcomes," said Flor Bermudez, Lambda Legal's Youth in Out-of-Home Care Staff Attorney. "We are pleased that ACYF will make the Recommended Practice Guidelines available to every state child welfare agency in the country to help meet the needs of LGBTQ children." 

"We know that child welfare agencies across the country welcome resources to improve the well-being of abused and neglected children," said ACYF Commissioner Bryan Samuels. "These guidelines provide practical examples of practices that every child welfare agency can use to better meet the needs of the LGBTQ youth in their care. I would have found this resource incredibly helpful when I was a child welfare agency director." 

LGBTQ young people in out-of-home care continue to be overrepresented in foster care and face a crisis of rejection, neglect and discrimination. The guidelines build on previous research and best practice standards developed during the last decade by child welfare, social work and civil rights experts.  Lambda Legal and CWLA hope that state child welfare agencies will use them to increase their knowledge of LGBTQ issues, influence their programmatic decisions and priorities, and set higher expectations and performance standards for the services provided to LGBTQ young people in care. 

"We have compiled this best practices guide to give easy access to critical information for anyone who has an LGBTQ youth in their care," said Chris James-Brown, CEO at the Child Welfare League of America.  "Everyone responsible for LGBTQ youth in child welfare systems, from foster parents to child welfare administrators, can use this resource to provide better care." 

The Recommended Practices Guidelines give examples of the best practice in a range of areas, including: policies prohibiting discrimination on the basis of sexual orientation, gender identity, gender expression and HIV status; services that address family rejection; safe placement with foster or adoptive parents; access to appropriate medical and mental health care services for LGBTQ youth and youth at risk of or living with HIV; and best practices in supporting transgender and gender-nonconforming youth.  The guidelines also encourage child welfare systems to find ways to collect data to quantify outcomes for LGBTQ youth in care. 

The Recommended Practices Guidelines are available here: http://www.lambdalegal.org/publications/recommended-practice-guidelines