This is good stuff-please check it out
http://www.facebook.com/l.php?u=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.youtube.com%2Fwatch%3Fv%3DOCSUfFStTQE&h=qAQGM16k8
http://www.facebook.com/l.php?u=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.youtube.com%2Fwatch%3Fv%3DOCSUfFStTQE&h=qAQGM16k8
Wednesday, December 21, 2011
Saturday, December 17, 2011
Cloning Juliet
Romeo's girlfriend is here with us this week. Naturally, we will call her Juliet. Juliet and I were discussing DJ's social issues at school. I was explaining that this group of kids, who formerly adored JD, now basically ignore DJ. In her impressively deep wisdom and empathy, especially in light of her very young years, she remarked, "Indifference is so much worse than anything else."
Don't get me wrong-I am thankful that no one has attempted to physically harm DJ because I know that happens to LGBTQ folks ALL THE TIME. But this shunning is psychological warfare.
If I were a person who was merely disliked and that dislike came in the form of dirty looks in the hallway, kids whispering to each other as I walked past, that would be horrific to endure every single day. However, when I sit in the same classroom with six kids, roughly one third of the classroom, who ignore me completely-they make no eye contact with me, they pretend to not see me when they divide into pairs to work on projects (I can't believe teachers still let students break into groups independently) even when I'm standing alone in the classroom while the pairs of students begin their work- THIS is the same as saying I don't exist. My presence is SO unimportant to them, that in their view, I am simply not present. I AM NOT THERE, in their view.
Believe me, I want to give these kids a break because I've known them since they were little kids too. I want to acknowledge what a difficult process for them this must be, etc., etc., yet, in the end, naturally, my empathy rests with my daughter.
No wonder so many LGBTQ kids end up depressed, anxious, engage in cutting, or attempt to control their lives in unhealthy ways. They just want to be able to call the shots in their own freaking lives, for heaven's sake.
What do we know about bullying? Not much since it's still fairly prevalent. But we're learning. How many decades did we secretly harbor disgust at the victim of bullying because that person appeared weak, or obtuse, odd, antisocial, or like they just didn't fit in with any particular group? It's the classic "Which came first, the chicken or the egg" scenario. Was the object of bullying so very different that they seemed to invite the bullying? Or more likely, did that person shrink in the face of bullying that came in the form of harassment, physical violence, verbal abuse, cyber bullying (the most cowardly form of bullying since the bullies are such pansies that they can't even face their victims) or shunning?
Every single one of us knows that if we put our hand in a fire we will get burned which is why we don't do it. We avoid direct contact with fire. We come up with elaborate ways to control fire, we make plans in the event we can't control fire. We practically create an anti-fire culture to help us deal with the dangers of fire. This is what happens to people who are systematically denied entry into the social fabric of their world. They must come up with the means to avoid that very entity that has hurt them in the past, and continues to hurt them in the present, in spite of the fact that they must face that entity on a daily basis.
Now, if any one of us became so paralyzed with fear of getting burned that we couldn't even approach a candle to blow it out, the rest of us would likely look on that person with ridicule. "Oh for God's sake, it's just a freaking candle. It's not going to hurt you!" But what if you found out that the person who is so frightened and dreads the candle so terribly was burned horrifically in the past? We would understand the fear completely and if we were nice people, we would assist them in both avoiding the flame when possible, and coming to grips with facing the flame when necessary.
Victims of bullying, of shunning, can become avoid-ant which can give the appearance of being overly shy, overly fearful, backward or anti-social when in fact they are trying to survive painful circumstances in the same manner that any one of us would, were we in their shoes. So let's stop blaming the "victim" or better yet, let's call these folks the survivors, of bullying, by pretending they asked for it by being different. They aren't being different, they are being themselves. It's the rest of us who are so busy coming up with labels for everyone who is not like us who are the problem. We are not supposed to be identical copies, or clones, of each other. And thank goodness for that.
Juliet understands the importance of not judging someone until you've walked in that person's shoes. I do wish, however, that we could clone her.
Don't get me wrong-I am thankful that no one has attempted to physically harm DJ because I know that happens to LGBTQ folks ALL THE TIME. But this shunning is psychological warfare.
If I were a person who was merely disliked and that dislike came in the form of dirty looks in the hallway, kids whispering to each other as I walked past, that would be horrific to endure every single day. However, when I sit in the same classroom with six kids, roughly one third of the classroom, who ignore me completely-they make no eye contact with me, they pretend to not see me when they divide into pairs to work on projects (I can't believe teachers still let students break into groups independently) even when I'm standing alone in the classroom while the pairs of students begin their work- THIS is the same as saying I don't exist. My presence is SO unimportant to them, that in their view, I am simply not present. I AM NOT THERE, in their view.
Believe me, I want to give these kids a break because I've known them since they were little kids too. I want to acknowledge what a difficult process for them this must be, etc., etc., yet, in the end, naturally, my empathy rests with my daughter.
No wonder so many LGBTQ kids end up depressed, anxious, engage in cutting, or attempt to control their lives in unhealthy ways. They just want to be able to call the shots in their own freaking lives, for heaven's sake.
What do we know about bullying? Not much since it's still fairly prevalent. But we're learning. How many decades did we secretly harbor disgust at the victim of bullying because that person appeared weak, or obtuse, odd, antisocial, or like they just didn't fit in with any particular group? It's the classic "Which came first, the chicken or the egg" scenario. Was the object of bullying so very different that they seemed to invite the bullying? Or more likely, did that person shrink in the face of bullying that came in the form of harassment, physical violence, verbal abuse, cyber bullying (the most cowardly form of bullying since the bullies are such pansies that they can't even face their victims) or shunning?
Every single one of us knows that if we put our hand in a fire we will get burned which is why we don't do it. We avoid direct contact with fire. We come up with elaborate ways to control fire, we make plans in the event we can't control fire. We practically create an anti-fire culture to help us deal with the dangers of fire. This is what happens to people who are systematically denied entry into the social fabric of their world. They must come up with the means to avoid that very entity that has hurt them in the past, and continues to hurt them in the present, in spite of the fact that they must face that entity on a daily basis.
Now, if any one of us became so paralyzed with fear of getting burned that we couldn't even approach a candle to blow it out, the rest of us would likely look on that person with ridicule. "Oh for God's sake, it's just a freaking candle. It's not going to hurt you!" But what if you found out that the person who is so frightened and dreads the candle so terribly was burned horrifically in the past? We would understand the fear completely and if we were nice people, we would assist them in both avoiding the flame when possible, and coming to grips with facing the flame when necessary.
Victims of bullying, of shunning, can become avoid-ant which can give the appearance of being overly shy, overly fearful, backward or anti-social when in fact they are trying to survive painful circumstances in the same manner that any one of us would, were we in their shoes. So let's stop blaming the "victim" or better yet, let's call these folks the survivors, of bullying, by pretending they asked for it by being different. They aren't being different, they are being themselves. It's the rest of us who are so busy coming up with labels for everyone who is not like us who are the problem. We are not supposed to be identical copies, or clones, of each other. And thank goodness for that.
Juliet understands the importance of not judging someone until you've walked in that person's shoes. I do wish, however, that we could clone her.
Friday, December 16, 2011
The FEDS are blazing a happy trail for LGBTQs
Flying Pig has once again kept us in the loop. Check out what she shared with us yesterday. And once again, a grateful "Thanks and we love you Flying Pig!" goes out to her. Another big "Thank you" to Mr. Jonathan Adams, of Lambda Legal and Child Welfare, who granted us permission to share this e-mail with our readership.
I feel like our cause is a ball that's rolling and gaining momentum. People are listening to those who are speaking up for the LGBTQ community!! Keep carrying the torch folks :)
Federal Agency to Support Lambda Legal/CWLA Guidelines for LGBTQ Youth in Foster Care
"The Administration on Children, Youth and Families will make the Recommended Practice Guidelines available to every state child welfare agency in the country to help meet the needs of LGBTQ children."
(New York, December 14, 2011) - Today, Lambda Legal and the Child Welfare League of America (CWLA) released "Recommended Practice Guidelines to Promote the Safety and Well-Being of Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender and Questioning (LGBTQ) Youth and Youth at Risk of or Living with HIV in Child Welfare Settings." The guide includes national practice guidelines for state and local child welfare agencies to ensure safe and proper care consistent with the best interests LGBTQ children in the child welfare system.
"The single most important principle contained in the guidelines is that affirming the sexual orientation and gender identity and expression of LGBTQ youth in care protects young peoples' emotional safety and ensures positive outcomes," said Flor Bermudez, Lambda Legal's Youth in Out-of-Home Care Staff Attorney. "We are pleased that ACYF will make the Recommended Practice Guidelines available to every state child welfare agency in the country to help meet the needs of LGBTQ children."
"We know that child welfare agencies across the country welcome resources to improve the well-being of abused and neglected children," said ACYF Commissioner Bryan Samuels. "These guidelines provide practical examples of practices that every child welfare agency can use to better meet the needs of the LGBTQ youth in their care. I would have found this resource incredibly helpful when I was a child welfare agency director."
LGBTQ young people in out-of-home care continue to be overrepresented in foster care and face a crisis of rejection, neglect and discrimination. The guidelines build on previous research and best practice standards developed during the last decade by child welfare, social work and civil rights experts. Lambda Legal and CWLA hope that state child welfare agencies will use them to increase their knowledge of LGBTQ issues, influence their programmatic decisions and priorities, and set higher expectations and performance standards for the services provided to LGBTQ young people in care.
"We have compiled this best practices guide to give easy access to critical information for anyone who has an LGBTQ youth in their care," said Chris James-Brown, CEO at the Child Welfare League of America. "Everyone responsible for LGBTQ youth in child welfare systems, from foster parents to child welfare administrators, can use this resource to provide better care."
The Recommended Practices Guidelines give examples of the best practice in a range of areas, including: policies prohibiting discrimination on the basis of sexual orientation, gender identity, gender expression and HIV status; services that address family rejection; safe placement with foster or adoptive parents; access to appropriate medical and mental health care services for LGBTQ youth and youth at risk of or living with HIV; and best practices in supporting transgender and gender-nonconforming youth. The guidelines also encourage child welfare systems to find ways to collect data to quantify outcomes for LGBTQ youth in care.
The Recommended Practices Guidelines are available here: http://www.lambdalegal.org/publications/recommended-practice-guidelines
I feel like our cause is a ball that's rolling and gaining momentum. People are listening to those who are speaking up for the LGBTQ community!! Keep carrying the torch folks :)
Federal Agency to Support Lambda Legal/CWLA Guidelines for LGBTQ Youth in Foster Care
"The Administration on Children, Youth and Families will make the Recommended Practice Guidelines available to every state child welfare agency in the country to help meet the needs of LGBTQ children."
(New York, December 14, 2011) - Today, Lambda Legal and the Child Welfare League of America (CWLA) released "Recommended Practice Guidelines to Promote the Safety and Well-Being of Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender and Questioning (LGBTQ) Youth and Youth at Risk of or Living with HIV in Child Welfare Settings." The guide includes national practice guidelines for state and local child welfare agencies to ensure safe and proper care consistent with the best interests LGBTQ children in the child welfare system.
"The single most important principle contained in the guidelines is that affirming the sexual orientation and gender identity and expression of LGBTQ youth in care protects young peoples' emotional safety and ensures positive outcomes," said Flor Bermudez, Lambda Legal's Youth in Out-of-Home Care Staff Attorney. "We are pleased that ACYF will make the Recommended Practice Guidelines available to every state child welfare agency in the country to help meet the needs of LGBTQ children."
"We know that child welfare agencies across the country welcome resources to improve the well-being of abused and neglected children," said ACYF Commissioner Bryan Samuels. "These guidelines provide practical examples of practices that every child welfare agency can use to better meet the needs of the LGBTQ youth in their care. I would have found this resource incredibly helpful when I was a child welfare agency director."
LGBTQ young people in out-of-home care continue to be overrepresented in foster care and face a crisis of rejection, neglect and discrimination. The guidelines build on previous research and best practice standards developed during the last decade by child welfare, social work and civil rights experts. Lambda Legal and CWLA hope that state child welfare agencies will use them to increase their knowledge of LGBTQ issues, influence their programmatic decisions and priorities, and set higher expectations and performance standards for the services provided to LGBTQ young people in care.
"We have compiled this best practices guide to give easy access to critical information for anyone who has an LGBTQ youth in their care," said Chris James-Brown, CEO at the Child Welfare League of America. "Everyone responsible for LGBTQ youth in child welfare systems, from foster parents to child welfare administrators, can use this resource to provide better care."
The Recommended Practices Guidelines give examples of the best practice in a range of areas, including: policies prohibiting discrimination on the basis of sexual orientation, gender identity, gender expression and HIV status; services that address family rejection; safe placement with foster or adoptive parents; access to appropriate medical and mental health care services for LGBTQ youth and youth at risk of or living with HIV; and best practices in supporting transgender and gender-nonconforming youth. The guidelines also encourage child welfare systems to find ways to collect data to quantify outcomes for LGBTQ youth in care.
The Recommended Practices Guidelines are available here: http://www.lambdalegal.org/publications/recommended-practice-guidelines
Thursday, December 15, 2011
A great therapist is worth her weight in gold
As I've noted this past few weeks, we've been in a bit of a funk around here. And as I've noted in a very recent entry, I've been driving DJ crazy with my game of "20 Questions." So, when DJ had her appointment with her therapist, I took advantage of the opportunity to talk with DJ about this with her therapist, who we'll call....this a tough one because I don't know her personally which makes picking an apropos nickname difficult...Disc Jockey, because she has a mellifluous voice which sounds like she should be on the radio.
DJ and I sat down in Disc Jockey's office and I began by saying how bothersome I knew I was being but I needed to be able to check in with DJ to see how she was doing. Now, as liberal, and able to see shades of gray as I'd like to think I am, it seems that when I would pose questions to DJ about her frame of mind, her mood, etc., I would be pretty black and white. And blunt, very, very blunt. I guess I wanted to "cut to the chase" so to speak and find out how unhappy, or not, DJ was feeling.
Bulldog and I both have fire and rescue backgrounds. Currently, he is retired from the fire department, but works as a contractor for the federal government with issues like emergency preparedness. I have made the following joke a million times, but it's worth saying again, here: Bulldog has the perfect job because he gets to tell people what to do all day long and not only do they LIKE it, but they pay him to do it. I, on the other hand, am currently employed as a firefighter/paramedic. Our poor children have been subject to so many safety talks, lectures, horror stories and practices of preparedness that we have scared any of them off from ever pursuing similar careers. And we often approach issues in daily life as if they are emergency scenes that we must mitigate. This approach works really well if your house is on fire, or you are trapped inside of a car that has rolled over 4 or 5 times. You would appreciate our blunt, get- to- the- heart- of- the- matter- so- we- can- fix- it- immediately method of incident mitigation. But Disc Jockey pointed out, ever so gently, that perhaps I could find a different way of checking in to see how DJ is feeling.
She suggested using a "tool"-AWESOME-I am all about finding a tool to make things work better. It's me through and through:
Can't find the paprika when you need it? No problem, they make the perfect little shelves for spices. I would further suggest alphabetizing them.
What's that? You can't get out of your car because the doors are jammed shut after your wreck? If I can't whack and pry your door open with my haligan bar, we can get out some hydraulic shears that will get you out in a jiffy.
You're having massive chest pain? Believe it or not, I know of a tool that will help me figure out just how bad your pain is. The Pain Scale. "0"= no pain, "10"=the worst pain you've ever felt IN YOUR LIFE.
I can't help but wonder if Disc Jockey was attempting to encourage DJ to use a tool, or language, that DJ's literal-minded mother could understand, and was simultaneously "tossing me a (figurative) bone" (especially since she had just used that phrase in encouraging DJ to be a little more forthcoming with information) because she actually suggested using the Pain Scale as a tool so that DJ could give me quick but concise information about how she was doing without requiring a summit with heads of state in attendance.
Knowing how DJ's cute little mind works, and that I'm a sucker for goofiness, I suggested the Pediatric Pain Scale, which assigns little cartoon faces ranging from super happy to uber sad so that small children can describe how they're feeling. Disc Jockey was thinking the very same thing and DJ approved.
Now we're both relieved: DJ will not be subject to "20 Questions" but can provide me with the solid feedback I need to gauge how she's doing. DJ, however, has decided to modify the pictograms. At this juncture, a really good day will feature pictures of "unicorns, fairies and rainbows" while a really bad day will somehow depict a "chaotic zombie apocalypse", to quote her verbatim. How she will depict feeling kind of blah or middle of the road, I haven't a clue. But she has promised that when she draws this up that I can scan it and post it on this blog.
A really great therapist will help you navigate through your needs as a parent and your transgender child's need's. Disc Jockey not only figured out that we needed a tool, but she helped us to come up with a solution that worked and helped us to keep our good will and senses of humor intact. We left her office, both of us, feeling uplifted. We celebrated with a great meal, the first time I've seen DJ really enjoy a meal in weeks. High five to Disc Jockey!!
For a list of suggested therapists, by state, who are experienced in working with transgender kids, check the list of links and go to the "Laura's Playground" link, I believe it's under "Transgender resources".
DJ and I sat down in Disc Jockey's office and I began by saying how bothersome I knew I was being but I needed to be able to check in with DJ to see how she was doing. Now, as liberal, and able to see shades of gray as I'd like to think I am, it seems that when I would pose questions to DJ about her frame of mind, her mood, etc., I would be pretty black and white. And blunt, very, very blunt. I guess I wanted to "cut to the chase" so to speak and find out how unhappy, or not, DJ was feeling.
Bulldog and I both have fire and rescue backgrounds. Currently, he is retired from the fire department, but works as a contractor for the federal government with issues like emergency preparedness. I have made the following joke a million times, but it's worth saying again, here: Bulldog has the perfect job because he gets to tell people what to do all day long and not only do they LIKE it, but they pay him to do it. I, on the other hand, am currently employed as a firefighter/paramedic. Our poor children have been subject to so many safety talks, lectures, horror stories and practices of preparedness that we have scared any of them off from ever pursuing similar careers. And we often approach issues in daily life as if they are emergency scenes that we must mitigate. This approach works really well if your house is on fire, or you are trapped inside of a car that has rolled over 4 or 5 times. You would appreciate our blunt, get- to- the- heart- of- the- matter- so- we- can- fix- it- immediately method of incident mitigation. But Disc Jockey pointed out, ever so gently, that perhaps I could find a different way of checking in to see how DJ is feeling.
She suggested using a "tool"-AWESOME-I am all about finding a tool to make things work better. It's me through and through:
Can't find the paprika when you need it? No problem, they make the perfect little shelves for spices. I would further suggest alphabetizing them.
What's that? You can't get out of your car because the doors are jammed shut after your wreck? If I can't whack and pry your door open with my haligan bar, we can get out some hydraulic shears that will get you out in a jiffy.
You're having massive chest pain? Believe it or not, I know of a tool that will help me figure out just how bad your pain is. The Pain Scale. "0"= no pain, "10"=the worst pain you've ever felt IN YOUR LIFE.
I can't help but wonder if Disc Jockey was attempting to encourage DJ to use a tool, or language, that DJ's literal-minded mother could understand, and was simultaneously "tossing me a (figurative) bone" (especially since she had just used that phrase in encouraging DJ to be a little more forthcoming with information) because she actually suggested using the Pain Scale as a tool so that DJ could give me quick but concise information about how she was doing without requiring a summit with heads of state in attendance.
Knowing how DJ's cute little mind works, and that I'm a sucker for goofiness, I suggested the Pediatric Pain Scale, which assigns little cartoon faces ranging from super happy to uber sad so that small children can describe how they're feeling. Disc Jockey was thinking the very same thing and DJ approved.
Now we're both relieved: DJ will not be subject to "20 Questions" but can provide me with the solid feedback I need to gauge how she's doing. DJ, however, has decided to modify the pictograms. At this juncture, a really good day will feature pictures of "unicorns, fairies and rainbows" while a really bad day will somehow depict a "chaotic zombie apocalypse", to quote her verbatim. How she will depict feeling kind of blah or middle of the road, I haven't a clue. But she has promised that when she draws this up that I can scan it and post it on this blog.
A really great therapist will help you navigate through your needs as a parent and your transgender child's need's. Disc Jockey not only figured out that we needed a tool, but she helped us to come up with a solution that worked and helped us to keep our good will and senses of humor intact. We left her office, both of us, feeling uplifted. We celebrated with a great meal, the first time I've seen DJ really enjoy a meal in weeks. High five to Disc Jockey!!
For a list of suggested therapists, by state, who are experienced in working with transgender kids, check the list of links and go to the "Laura's Playground" link, I believe it's under "Transgender resources".
Tuesday, December 13, 2011
One day at a time
The shoe is definitely on the other foot around here. (I wonder how folks in other countries like my use of idioms. I had a friend who emigrated from France, and was learning English. Idioms were fun to her, but she was the kind of person who found everything fun. Maybe they're just frustrating to other readers whose second language is English. But since I don't hear from them, I cannot accommodate their wishes!! ; > )
This time last year, DJ was so happy. We felt like we really had it going on, like we were doing something very right as parents. Not so much right now however. Our lovely girl is in a heck of a funk. She just isn't herself at all.
Bulldog and I don't know what else we can do to help. In fact, my multiple efforts at "helping" are only getting on DJ's nerves. I want to take her emotional pulse constantly:
How're you doing?
How was school?
Are you hungry?
Did you sleep well?
Are you just having a bad day?
Did something happen to upset you?
And those are just a sampling of questions that I pose to DJ on any given day. Often, I repeat the same questions multiple times throughout the day as well. Sigh....
I should have known it was just too easy, that golden honeymoon period when all of us rolled with whatever came our way. Now we're rolling like we have a flat tire....flappity, flappity.
I want to write this morning, but I got nothin'. We need people around us. When we have people around, we all do a little bit better. Maybe it's just the distraction, but hell, I'll take anything.
Bean stayed with DJ last night while I worked and Bulldog was away on business. I left her sleeping on the couch this morning when I took DJ to school. I had just stopped for my standard latte when Bean called me, while lying on the floor of my living room. She's hurt her back (we can thank my father, all 3 of us for our lousy backs) and the pain literally laid her low. On my return home, she had managed to get to her feet and we spent the next thirty minutes laughing about the terrible positions we have found ourselves in when our backs are acting up. So far, no one has found us naked and in spasm, but I think that day is coming; I just hope it happens to Bean before it happens to me!
So, maybe that is the tiny baby step we make for today. Try to be around other people. Get out of the house and do something fun. Distract ourselves, or indulge ourselves by doing something we love to do. One day at a time-that's all we have to worry about. Right?
This time last year, DJ was so happy. We felt like we really had it going on, like we were doing something very right as parents. Not so much right now however. Our lovely girl is in a heck of a funk. She just isn't herself at all.
Bulldog and I don't know what else we can do to help. In fact, my multiple efforts at "helping" are only getting on DJ's nerves. I want to take her emotional pulse constantly:
How're you doing?
How was school?
Are you hungry?
Did you sleep well?
Are you just having a bad day?
Did something happen to upset you?
And those are just a sampling of questions that I pose to DJ on any given day. Often, I repeat the same questions multiple times throughout the day as well. Sigh....
I should have known it was just too easy, that golden honeymoon period when all of us rolled with whatever came our way. Now we're rolling like we have a flat tire....flappity, flappity.
I want to write this morning, but I got nothin'. We need people around us. When we have people around, we all do a little bit better. Maybe it's just the distraction, but hell, I'll take anything.
Bean stayed with DJ last night while I worked and Bulldog was away on business. I left her sleeping on the couch this morning when I took DJ to school. I had just stopped for my standard latte when Bean called me, while lying on the floor of my living room. She's hurt her back (we can thank my father, all 3 of us for our lousy backs) and the pain literally laid her low. On my return home, she had managed to get to her feet and we spent the next thirty minutes laughing about the terrible positions we have found ourselves in when our backs are acting up. So far, no one has found us naked and in spasm, but I think that day is coming; I just hope it happens to Bean before it happens to me!
So, maybe that is the tiny baby step we make for today. Try to be around other people. Get out of the house and do something fun. Distract ourselves, or indulge ourselves by doing something we love to do. One day at a time-that's all we have to worry about. Right?
Identical twins-one boy, one trans girl
Good Morning Blog Follower Friends,
My beloved niece, who we'll call Nightingale because she is a nurse to the very sickest of wee ones, shared this link with me. It's a great story and shows how many families like ours there are out there. And it cites an excellent hospital/program in Boston that helps transgender kids. Thanks Nightingale-you are always looking out for the kids who need you, and in so many ways :)
http://www.bostonglobe.com/metro/2011/12/11/led-child-who-simply-knew/SsH1U9Pn9JKArTiumZdxaL/story.html
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