How many suitcases are you carrying?

Bulldog and I had a big heart to heart today.  I simultaneously love and hate heart to heart discussions.  They are gut wrenching if you do it right because you are forced to look at yourself and see how your faults and goof-ups have hurt someone else.  Plus, you have to go coal mining for your own hurts that may be buried deep below a layer of impressive bedrock that under normal circumstances  only a few tons of dynamite can breach.

Like so many other people, the seeds of discontent are sown long before we met or joined our lives with our spouses or significant others.  We are all the products of our upbringings and our pasts, regardless of how much we may want to believe otherwise.

I remember a guy I knew in rookie school years ago, whose name was actually Leif Ericson.  I kid you not when I say his brothers' names were Eric and Thor.  His parents either had an incredible sense of humor or were inordinately proud of their Nordic heritage, in spite of being at least a few generations removed from that part of the world.  I'm rambling...Anyway, Leif informed me that he didn't like dating women with "baggage." Good luck with that because all of us are carrying baggage-some may be lucky to tote a carry on, and others are stuck with steamer trunks, like only the wealthy on the "Titanic" would own because they paid someone else to carry them.

Granted, some of us want to clutch our baggage and wear it like a shield.  Maybe we think it will protect us from further hurt.  Some of us pretend that the baggage doesn't exist, in spite of the fact that our shins are black and blue from repeatedly having the allegedly non-existant baggage knocking us about every time we attempt to take a step forward in our lives.  Naturally, it would be better to acknowledge the existence of our baggage while simultaneously not wearing it like a freaking medal, but that is a tough act of balancing.  Yet, if we don't find a way to do this, we may inadvertently ruin our own chances of happiness and pass our baggage on to our children.  My children hope to inherit money and some of my belongings, but I am certain a complete set of matched emotions wrapped in soft-sided exteriors with hidden zippers is not what they had in mind even if it does have wheels and a handle.  Just because it's equipped with handy tools to tote the thing doesn't mean they want my luggage to haul around, if they can avoid it.

OK, in some cases, it's already too late.  I've given my kids some baggage already.  Hopefully, it's just enough to contain their deodorant, soap and a toothbrush and nothing more.  But, now that I am completely aware of my propensity to drag around my baggage and that I may be contributing to the size of their baggage, maybe I can limit my future contributions to their load.

For instance,  accepting my kids as they are is a great start.  Realizing that we are not extensions of each other and that we are wholly separate from each other is integral.  When my child says that his birth certificate is wrong and we must stop saying, "him" and start saying, "her" I must respect that.  If she is wholly separate from me, then her feelings about herself are no reflection on me whatsoever;  my refusal to accept her feelings, however, is.  If it turns out that she didn't understand herself well, and by some strange reason, decides to go back to the original "him," it is STILL no reflection on me that I honored the first request.  It's not as if I was a fool to respect his wishes, or as if I failed because I did so.

Sometimes, the best way to let a person find out if they are making a mistake, or are tripping on the most profound truth of their life is to let them take the risk.  As parents, we often add to our kids' baggage by not letting them do that.  We either want to protect them from failure, or disappointment, or what we deem "reality." Rather, let us give them the tools to pick themselves up when they fail.  Not if they fail, because they will fail at something.  So, rather than make them feel like failures to adequately prepare them for life (a perspective I think of as crap) or not letting them ever fail, why not, instead of giving them luggage, give them a luggage CART by letting them risk rejection, failure, small measures of ridicule or disappointment, so that they can learn important lessons about themselves. Lessons like, it doesn't matter if I get knocked down 5 times as long as I stand up 6 times.  Or, finding out that the closing of a door may be the only way we find the fabulous opportunity waiting behind the stunning bay window.

But our best bet of not significantly adding to our child's baggage, in this author's humble opinion, is to really see our children as wholly separate from ourselves.  We often want to project ourselves onto them.  Many times, we do this out of love, but when inappropriately applied, love can act as a tourniquet.  Maybe it's because it's not truly love to begin with-it's our refusal to accept that the person in front of us is not us but merely came from us.  The degree of how different from us they are can and will vary
W I D E L Y from family to family and from child to child.  If our child is goth, it doesn't necessarily mean a thing about us as parents.  If your child is gay, you did not fail in some way.  If your child was born in the wrong body, you accepting their information is not a reflection of you as being overly permissive, or immoral, or anything like that.

In my line of work, we sometimes cross paths with people who are drug seekers because they are addicts.  Usually, people seek pain meds because they truly are in pain and need them.  Sometimes, as in the case of addicts, they are giving us a convincing story so that we will give them morphine.  Many of my peers consider themselves fools if a patient tricks them into giving pain meds and finding out later that they are what we call "frequent flyers" and are well known addicts by the staff in the emergency room.  But if I believe a patient's story and all other indicators seem to point to the truth of her declaration, and later it turns out to not be true, for whatever reason, I am not the idiot.  I simply believed the person.  Whether or not the person was truthful, or misinformed, or flat out lying is not the point.  My acceptance, or lack thereof  is solely a reflection of me.  Whether or not the person deserves my acceptance is not a reflection of me AND is a slippery slope to making an arrogant assumption. And an even more arrogant assumption is thinking that we know the person better than they know themselves.

"It's just a phase" or "She's just trying to get attention" or "He's confused and doesn't know what he wants"-how do we really know we're right?   And in the case of our kids, if we're wrong about our assumptions about them, that can lead to some pretty deep hurt.....and baggage.

Lately, DJ's hair and make-up and music are becoming less and less to my taste.  I can hope that it's just a phase, but she might end up thinking a mohawk that stands ten inches off the top of her head is a great look for her, even when she's 30.  Lordy, I hope not, but if she does, she's not me.  Her decision to look like a 1980's throw-back truly is not a reflection of me.  Granted, while I may not want to be seen with her, I won't give in to that.  Because really, why wouldn't I want to be seen with her?  Because I would be worried what other people will think....of me.  I might SAY I'm worried what they think of her, but only because I'm seeing her as an extension of me.  Which she isn't.

So, let's do ourselves, and our kids, and the world for that matter, a big favor.  Let us admit to having our own baggage, first.  Next, let us recognize that our baggage can cause us to contribute to our childrens' baggage.  After that, let us accept that we and our children are separate from each other.  Once we get that down, accepting is pretty easy.  You're you.  I'm me.  I can and will love you no matter how different from me you are.  Period.  Isn't that what we all want?  I know I do.

Thanksgiving Top 10, not in any specific order

1. I am thankful that DJ turned out to be the daughter I always wanted.

2. I am thankful that DJ's brothers love her as much as ever so that my three kids remain as tightly bound to each other as ever.

3.  I am thankful that my two sons are the kind of young men who take courses like "Women's Studies" in college, aren't afraid of telling their mother they miss her, and choose strong, independent women to love.

4.  I am thankful for DJ's exuberance and mild manner.

5.  I am thankful that Bulldog is both a "promise keeper" and the kind of man who believes that even at 49 he can continue to grow to be a "strong, mighty oak."

6.  I am thankful that in spite of many people abusing the heck out of the 911 system, that because of the job I'm in, I am afforded the opportunity to cross paths with people at their worst moments and witness how, in spite of their obvious hardship, that love can truly conquer all.

7.  I am thankful that this old body can still DO my job, even if it's just barely.

8.  I am thankful to live in a country where I am free to write what I think, believe, and feel, and not fear persecution, prosecution, torture or death for my writings, my thoughts, or my beliefs; I am also thankful for the sacrifices of men and women who, in the past and present, continue to ensure my freedoms.

9.  I am thankful to find that in spite of there being an incredible number of mean people in the world, that their are more than enough lovely people whose goodness outshines their darkness.

10.  I am thankful for the invisible safety net which cradles me and mine and is comprised of family, friends, coworkers, blog readers, therapists, doctors, teachers, guidance counselors and pets.

Fixing my CNN mistake

 Faithful followers, it seems that the Anderson Cooper/CNN special on transgender kids was shown in the afternoon of the day that I presented the information.  So sorry about the goof-up so I will pass the buck and say it's all Flying Pig's fault!!  ha ha.

If you would like to get a good glimpse of it, however, go to the link below where you will be introduced to a sweet little girl who is explaining the inner workings of her doll house. She is charming and every bit the little girl she knows she is, regardless of what her original birth certificate says.

Apparently, a documentary movie, "Trans" is in the works and is set to be released in 2012.

http://www.andersoncooper.com/2011/11/15/trans-documentary/#ixzz1dwG1HDX4

Does your kid make you speak Yiddish?

Little Miss Thing, aka DJ, is quite full of herself of late.  She must always get the last word in, no matter the discussion.  She's so certain she is right and we are overreacting.  Darn teenagers....so blessed big for their britches.

She is in her junior year in high school and in America, that is a big year to finish getting your standardized testing done, adding extracurricular activities and memberships to important organizations to your resume.  In short, since most college applications are submitted either the fall or winter of one's senior year, the junior year is one of the last opportunities to really shine so that colleges will accept you and hopefully offer you money to attend their school.

DJ is a musical artist, or shall I say AR-TEEST, emphasis on the last syllable since she's a bit hoity toity about this endeavor.  I don't mean to say she is arrogant about her abilities, because that is not the case.  But she does subscribe to the notion that the arts are of more importance than your typical academics comprised of the histories, the maths and the dreaded english classes.  Luckily, DJ has a gifted brain.  She can hear a lecture and commit the details to memory.  Were this not the case, and she actually had to refresh with what the rest of us call studying, she would fail most of her classes, abominably.  And this quality lends itself well to standardized tests so she knocks the ball out of the park on those too.

Have I ever mentioned she is a genetic anomaly?  And I don't mean because she's transgender but because her intellect is NOT a result of any genetic contributions from either side of the family.  Well, that's not true:  Flying Pig and DJ's aunt in England, who we'll call Apple because she's the only normal fruit from two generations of her family tree, are both exceptionally bright women.  But neither of these women were direct contributors to DJ's specific DNA chain, so I have no idea where she gets her abilities.  But I digress....

In addition to being remarkable at academics, she is quite gifted musically.  Both her birth father and I can lay claim to some of that, with his contribution being more important than mine, genetically speaking.  Anyway, when she came out to us, she demonstrated this remarkable ability to compose music for orchestras.  She had no training in this area other than some guitar and drum lessons and a Music for Dummies book I purchased for her.  Nonetheless, when she blossomed as a young woman, so too did her music ability blossom.  Since then, she has composed various sonatas, symphonies and the like and she has branched out into pop music too to include techno, horror of horrors.  But she enjoys it and has posted some of her stuff on YouTube.  The folks in Spain love her apparently.

AND she has set her sights on attending the Juilliard School of the Arts in New York City, a world renowned institution.  As such, it is incredibly difficult to get into this school.  An applicant's talents must be incredible, needless to say.  And I imagined that her grades would need to be equally phenomenal.  That is not the case, entirely, apparently.  When DJ researched Juilliard with a guidance counselor at school, there was less emphasis placed on grade point average at Juilliard than at other universities where the emphasis is more on academics and where talent is secondary.

She triumphantly informed me of this recently.  AS IF knowing this, I would allow her to spend less time on her academics so she could spend more time creating, writing, playing and recording her music.  Ummmm, I don't think so.

Then, two nights ago, when DJ was inducted  in to the National Honor Society (high five for DJ) DJ poo-poo'ed the whole thing initially.  She wanted to dress in her edgy fashion for the ceremony complete with leggings and Chuck Taylor sneakers under her dress.  When I explained to her that this is a ceremony that should be afforded the respect and dignity of proper attire she responded with her typical air of dismissiveness.

"People my age don't really care about things like that," the lovely DJ tells me.

"Yeah, well, people my age are the ones who let you into college and the honor society and we do care about things like that," I retorted.

Then, later in the evening, she said something about the National Honor Society certificate being "just a piece of paper."  Her artistic thumbing her nose at convention kind of rubbed me the wrong way, so in front of her I said to Bulldog, (already knowing the answer, because any good attorney will tell you to never ask a question to which you don't already know the answer) "Were you in the Honor Society?"

"No, I wasn't. I didn't have the grades."

"Neither was I and I wanted to be," at which point I turn to DJ and explain to her that it is insulting to both the NHS, and to those who can't be in it, to dismiss membership and the paper that certifies membership as "just a piece of paper."  Somehow, we got through to her.

Maybe she's just trying on this persona like she tries on her other more edgy outfits just so she can find out if she likes it or not.  Maybe she'll discard this know-it-all, I'm-too-artistic-to-be-bothered-with-these-bourgois-academic-concerns like she outgrew her love of super flowery attire.  In the meantime, I wish she would just do her freakin' homework and clean her bathroom without my having to nag.  Then I remind myself, "Be patient, she'll only be a teenager for another three and a half years."  Oy Vey!

A special message for young trans folks

Dear Beloved Child,

I say beloved because you are special and lovable exactly as you are.  I was thinking about this today when the song, "You are beautiful" by Christine Agullara came on the radio.  The words are so breathtaking and inspiring.  If you haven't heard it, make a point of finding it and listening to every word.

She says it so much better than I ever could and if you could just believe how true her words are, maybe it well help you to feel strong on those days when you feel lost, or like you don't fit in, or may never be accepted.

Maybe your homelife isn't happy.  Perhaps your parents will not accept your truth.  Or maybe they support you, but finding that same support in school is not possible right now.  I wish, so many of us wish, that we could make everything ok for you right now.  But to borrow the words from the movement on YouTube, please know:

IT GETS BETTER


There will come a day when you will be surrounded by people who love you and care that you're happy.  If those people are not the family you are born into, they will be the family you choose.  Until that time, you must, for your very survival physically and emotionally, dig deep and look for small pockets of happiness where-ever you can find them.  A smile from a perfect stranger, encouragement from a teacher, a hug from a friend, the sun streaming through the clouds, the bustle of a city, or the quiet birdsong in the morning-these small things will sustain you until your life is in a place where you can be who you are, love who you wish, present in the manner that makes you happy.  


I don't know the realities of your lives, those of you who must remain closeted for your own safety. But I can imagine how hard it must be to just be yourself. Fitting into this world where so much of who we are is judged by how we look is hard for many of us.  Your road is not an easy one, and may be considerably longer than mine, but rest assured, many of us will be, at the very least, your occasional travel companions as we struggle to be accepted and loved.  And when our paths diverge, I, like so many others, will be thinking of you, wishing you well, hoping for a happier tomorrow for you and loving you for your courage, whether we know you or not.  "You are beautiful in every single way....no matter what they say....words can't bring you down."  For more hope-please check out: www.itgetsbetter.org

Trans kids/teens-check out CNN tonight

Flying Pig has been sending me everything that crosses her desk regarding LGBT issues.  A big shout out and thanks to her for that!!!  We love you Flying Pig!

CNN is airing a special tonight at 8 pm eastern standard time on transgender kids and teens.  My guess is if you don't catch it tonight, you may be able to catch it on CNN's webpage.  In the meantime, if you click on this link, there are other televised features focusing on this subject, as well, that you might want to view.  It's encouraging to see how tactfully the reporters are, how understanding many families and communities are.


http://www.andersoncooper.com/episodes/children-and-teens-trapped-in-the-wrong-bodies/

Family Acceptance Project-LGBT teens, check this out

Family Acceptance Project  fap@sfsu.edu
STUDY: GAY-STRAIGHT ALLIANCES IN SCHOOL BENEFIT HEALTH, EDUCATION OF LGBT YOUNG ADULTS

SAN FRANCISCO – NOVEMBER 15, 2011 - New research has found that lesbian, gay, bisexual, and transgender (LGBT) youth who attend middle or high schools with Gay-Straight Alliances (GSAs) have better mental health as young adults, are less likely to drop out of high school, and more likely to attend college. Published in the current issue of Applied Developmental Science, this is the first study to show that GSA participation is related to long-term benefits. The study, High School Gay–Straight Alliances (GSAs) and Young Adult Well-Being, is based on data from the Family Acceptance Project’s survey of LGBT young adults, which examined the school-related experiences of 245 LGBT young adults, ages 21 to 25.  

Prior research has shown that LGBT youth are at risk for school victimization based on their sexual orientation and gender expression; that LGB youth and young adults report higher levels of depression and other mental health problems than heterosexual peers in a range of studies; and that LGBT school bullying is related to compromised academic achievement. However, until now, there have been few indicators to show whether positive school-based supports can help prevent these negative outcomes in young adulthood. In this new study, the positive impact of GSAs was particularly strong when students viewed their Gay-Straight Alliances as effective in promoting a safer school environment.

The study also shows that the benefits of Gay-Straight Alliances diminish as levels of LGBT school victimization increase; that is, the protective nature of GSAs is not enough to overcome the negative impact of LGBT victimization on young adult mental health. Thus, the authors document that Gay-Straight Alliances cannot be proposed as the sole solution for creating safer school climates for LGBT youth. Instead, schools need to implement other efforts to reduce anti-LGBT bias in schools in combination with the formation of Gay-Straight Alliances, such as enumerated anti-harassment and nondiscrimination policies, teacher training on how to intervene in school harassment related to sexual orientation and gender expression, and an LGBT-inclusive curriculum.

These findings are of particular importance in light of recent tragic incidents of school violence – such as the murder of Larry King in 2008 and the multiple suicides of young men perceived to be gay in 2010 and 2011 who experienced high levels of LGBT school victimization. Further, several schools and districts continue to attempt to ban the formation of Gay-Straight Alliances (e.g., school board of Nassau County in 2009; Okeechobee High School in 2008 [both in Florida]; Flour Buff High School in Corpus Christi, TX, in 2011), even though GSAs are protected by the 1984 Federal Equal Access Act. In addition, the Anoka-Hennepin School District has a policy that requires staff to “remain neutral in matters related to sexual orientation including but not limited to student led discussion” that belies the purpose of GSAs which is to provide a supportive school-related environment where students can learn about and openly discuss and educate the school community on LGBT issues.

Said co-author Russell Toomey: “Given the recent attention to tragic deaths by suicide related to anti-LGBT school bullying over the past year, our research documents that having Gay-Straight Alliances in schools is an important way to boost mental health and academic achievement for LGBT young people. However, Gay-Straight Alliances should not be perceived as the only vehicle for creating safer school climates for students – clearly, our findings document that other LGBT-positive supports need to be implemented in schools for LGBT students to thrive.”

Noted co-author Stephen T. Russell: “This study adds to the mounting evidence that youth-led clubs are important for healthy development – especially for youth at risk. For LGBT youth, high school gay-straight alliances make a significant positive difference.”

Dr. Caitlin Ryan, study co-author and Director of the Family Acceptance Project at SF State University added, “This new study on the benefits of GSAs to health and education adds to our growing understanding of the importance of social environments and the need to provide institutional support for LGBT youth to promote well-being in adulthood.”

Citation: Toomey, R. B., Ryan, C., Diaz, R. M., & Russell, S. T. (2011). High school gay-straight alliances (GSAs) and young adult well-being: An examination of GSA presence, participation, and perceived effectiveness. Applied Developmental Science, 15(4),1-11.

About the Family Acceptance Project
The Family Acceptance Project is a research, intervention, education and policy initiative that is designed to: 1) improve the health, mental health, and well-being of LGBT children and adolescents; 2) strengthen and help ethnically and religiously diverse families to support their LGBT children; 3) help LGBT youth to stay in their homes to prevent homelessness and the need for custodial care in the foster care and juvenile justice systems; 4) inform public policy and family policy; and 5) develop a new evidence-based, family model of wellness, prevention, and care to promote well-being and decrease risk for LGBT youth. For more information, please visit familyproject.sfsu.edu