We all face it-the angst of the teenager. We either experienced it ourselves, or are re-experiencing it with our teenagers. Whether your teen is straight, gay, the model student, president of her graduating class, captain of the football team, transgender, emo, or a nun in training, she has probably experienced it, is experiencing it currently, or, in the future, will experience the phenomena.
The challenge as parents is how NOT to stomp out your child's spirit while teaching your child restraint. And of course, how NOT to ground your child, take away all that is enjoyable to your child, and to make their lives miserable simply to satisfy your frustration.
Case in point: Facebook and YouTube submissions. Our child is creative and has chosen to air her musical abilities on both-without our consent. She was not trying to be secretive because she came right out and asked if we had viewed her creation on either or both online platforms. Plus, she knows we are "friends" on FB, and I can see what she posts ( one of our prerequisites).
As a teen, she feels repressed by our rules, school rules, society's rules. As a trans teen, I imagine she feels doubly repressed. Her frustration over repression is quite evident because she chooses to drop the f- bomb a number of times in her online submissions. We are now requiring her to remove the submission from Facebook and YouTube and will allow her to replace the R-rated submissions with
PG-13 submissions, once she seeks editorial approval from her parents, of course.
She is majorly ticked off. We're stifling her, it's "just words" (well if they're "just words", why can't they be replaced with other words?) are her arguments along with her concerns that her subscribers will be disappointed. Yeah-they're really a part of our decision making process..... Now, DJ manages to be majorly ticked off in the most ladylike way, which cracks me up. However, the only way to reach her is to show her that a precedent has already been established.
"Even PINK has to censor herself for the public airways," made some sense to her. Bulldog is content to go with, "Because I said so," but none of us likes to hear that. Granted, we don't care what she likes at this juncture, but if our goal is to have our message heard then let's use language that will truly make sense to her.
Guess what young lady-we all have to share the world, including the seemingly anonymous and endless space known as the web. And as long as we have to share, rules are required, unless we want to try out "The Lord of the Flies" method. Sometimes we have to subvert our desires so as not to tramp on the desires of others. That's what teenage angst is all about-learning to reconcile the, "But I want" with the, "Yeah but how will that affect others." Now don't you feel better that your trans kid is just like every other teen? No? I hear you.
Saturday, August 13, 2011
Wednesday, August 10, 2011
Fashion sense
If you are the mom of a FTM (i.e., female to male-that's a genetic female who identifies as a male) then fashion sense, or the lack thereof, isn't that big a deal. After all, once you and your new son are all ok with his moving forward with starting his transition, it's a matter of basically t-shirts and jeans for the average teenage son. You may have to add a few collared shirts, a tie maybe, some khaki pants...not that huge an endeavor. Now, I'm arriving at this conclusion because my two sons were happy in the aforementioned attire.
However, if your new son wants to be more GQ, we are on opposite ends of the same boat. No matter what end of the boat you're in, this is an adjustment period. Now, if you happen to be sitting on this family's end of the boat, and your child is ready to initiate her transition, fashion sense may or may not come easily. We have a number of warring factors here: first of all, she missed out on all the little girl years of wearing dresses and the like. AND, she may want to make up for that, subconsciously, by choosing RIDICULOUS confections. The frillier, the better. Sparkles? Well of course. Animal prints? Hell to the yes!!!
Make up-in many cases an absolute must so that the person will "pass". At all costs, we want to avoid the "double take" look because that means our appearance has just missed its mark, which is anathema figuratively, and in tragic cases, literally. But we want to avoid the drag queen look because that is reserved specifically for....well....drag queens. They are SUPPOSED to be an exaggeration of the female look. They are SUPPOSED to appear quite theatrical and dramatic. They are SUPPOSED to stand out. Trans folks do not want to stand out, they want to blend in, as a rule. (BTW-drag queens are not by definition transgender. Some may be, but in most cases, this is a career move for them, NOT who they are. And transvestites are folks who dress in the opposite gender for satisfaction of some sort, again, this is not who they are, but who they think it's fun to pretend to be, usually for gratification reasons.)
Hair-we've already talked about that in previous blogs. Suffice it to say, DJ is like many girls, she wants to experiment with her look.
But let's get back to clothes. DJ just doesn't get, or doesn't want to get that cocktail party attire is NOT what one wears to, say, Wal-mart unless of course she wants to be on peopleofwalmart.com, an excellent source for Halloween costume inspiration. So, when she appeared from her room this morning to accompany me to the aforementioned place of business, this is what she was wearing: a bustier styled top with purple velvet ruffles at the waist, a knee length black skirt with a hint of black tulle peaking out from the bottom. She couldn't find her strapless bra so she wore a black leopard print bra which was peaking out of her bustier top. The piece de resistance, however, were the glitter peep-toe stilettos. The look on Bulldog's face was priceless when she....I want to say "sashayed" out of her room, but that's not even close to being right. The girl has not mastered the art of walking in ridiculous heels that her mother actually purchased for her.
She thinks it's stylish. In no uncertain terms, I told her she was wrong. I think my words were, "You look trampy as s - - -." In my defense, I was good natured in my verbal abuse and she knew I had no malicious intent because she just gave me a "don't be silly" look. However, once we arrived at Wal-mart, she had misgivings, I think. First of all, once does not make such a shoe choice if one intends to do very much walking. But the girl has to learn the hard way, just like I did at her age. Second, in the glaring sunlit parking lot, she realized how much she stood out, which was not her intent. She just wanted to enjoy sparkly, glittery, soft, ruffly, girly, fun clothes ALL AT THE SAME TIME.
After nearly slipping multiple times, hiking up her dress to cover her bra even more frequently, I think she realized that she might be willing to be inconvenienced with one bothersome article of clothing at a time, and that's it. Welcome to the fashion world young lady.
However, if your new son wants to be more GQ, we are on opposite ends of the same boat. No matter what end of the boat you're in, this is an adjustment period. Now, if you happen to be sitting on this family's end of the boat, and your child is ready to initiate her transition, fashion sense may or may not come easily. We have a number of warring factors here: first of all, she missed out on all the little girl years of wearing dresses and the like. AND, she may want to make up for that, subconsciously, by choosing RIDICULOUS confections. The frillier, the better. Sparkles? Well of course. Animal prints? Hell to the yes!!!
Make up-in many cases an absolute must so that the person will "pass". At all costs, we want to avoid the "double take" look because that means our appearance has just missed its mark, which is anathema figuratively, and in tragic cases, literally. But we want to avoid the drag queen look because that is reserved specifically for....well....drag queens. They are SUPPOSED to be an exaggeration of the female look. They are SUPPOSED to appear quite theatrical and dramatic. They are SUPPOSED to stand out. Trans folks do not want to stand out, they want to blend in, as a rule. (BTW-drag queens are not by definition transgender. Some may be, but in most cases, this is a career move for them, NOT who they are. And transvestites are folks who dress in the opposite gender for satisfaction of some sort, again, this is not who they are, but who they think it's fun to pretend to be, usually for gratification reasons.)
Hair-we've already talked about that in previous blogs. Suffice it to say, DJ is like many girls, she wants to experiment with her look.
But let's get back to clothes. DJ just doesn't get, or doesn't want to get that cocktail party attire is NOT what one wears to, say, Wal-mart unless of course she wants to be on peopleofwalmart.com, an excellent source for Halloween costume inspiration. So, when she appeared from her room this morning to accompany me to the aforementioned place of business, this is what she was wearing: a bustier styled top with purple velvet ruffles at the waist, a knee length black skirt with a hint of black tulle peaking out from the bottom. She couldn't find her strapless bra so she wore a black leopard print bra which was peaking out of her bustier top. The piece de resistance, however, were the glitter peep-toe stilettos. The look on Bulldog's face was priceless when she....I want to say "sashayed" out of her room, but that's not even close to being right. The girl has not mastered the art of walking in ridiculous heels that her mother actually purchased for her.
She thinks it's stylish. In no uncertain terms, I told her she was wrong. I think my words were, "You look trampy as s - - -." In my defense, I was good natured in my verbal abuse and she knew I had no malicious intent because she just gave me a "don't be silly" look. However, once we arrived at Wal-mart, she had misgivings, I think. First of all, once does not make such a shoe choice if one intends to do very much walking. But the girl has to learn the hard way, just like I did at her age. Second, in the glaring sunlit parking lot, she realized how much she stood out, which was not her intent. She just wanted to enjoy sparkly, glittery, soft, ruffly, girly, fun clothes ALL AT THE SAME TIME.
After nearly slipping multiple times, hiking up her dress to cover her bra even more frequently, I think she realized that she might be willing to be inconvenienced with one bothersome article of clothing at a time, and that's it. Welcome to the fashion world young lady.
Tuesday, August 9, 2011
Hope: the elixer of life
Can we talk about what "family " means today? I am inspired by my family and people who have been acting as if they are my family. For those of you who know us, maybe you'll see yourself mentioned below.
Some of us are born into our families, some of us adopt them, or are adopted by them. Some family members "choose" each other having no DNA in common, nor any legally sanctioned anything to say it is so. Some family members started as neighbors, others as babysitters, or are sisters of another family member's significant other; some started as co-workers, or even supervisors. We acquire family members through marriage or simply long term commitment. And the natural attribute of a good family member is often that they are so often "there" for you, that their importance can be taken for granted, simply because we become so accustomed to their steadfast support.
So, if you're holding a glass of OJ, or water, a moody little Merlot or a kicky Pinot Grigio, (oops, can't forget my sis) or even simply a Bud light-please raise your glass, or can, and toast these fine folks:
The elderly, conservative but unbelievably loving and accepting Grandpa, the brothers who were ready to face down their parents if we didn't accept their new sister, the aunts (and there are MANY) who welcomed DJ to the female clan with open arms and acted as scaffolding when JD broke the news, the uncles (geez, lots of those too) who tenderly accepted their new niece, the cousins who have circled the wagons around her from the beginning, to Mimi who, frankly, just plain loves the stuffing out of DJ, always has, always will. To the Godfather of all godfathers-you are irreplacable.
To our neighbors-you were ready to kick anybody and everybody's @$$ who even looked cross-eyed at anyone in our family. To our friends,both old and new, you help make us all feel safer because of your support. To my newfound old friend, your ability to love is inspiring. To the handful of coworkers with whom I shared private information and true to your word, spoke not a word AND were able to use the correct pronouns so quickly-you blow me away. To folks who were childhood friends of my baby sister, for goodness sake, your words of encouragement are like the homemade strawbery jam in the most awesome PB&J sandwich...EVER. To the Riverbottom gang: while some of you may resemble rednecks, all of you have hearts of 24K gold. To the school counselor who is a true professional, walks softly but carries a big @$$ stick when it comes to DJ, a special shout out, as well. Even our sons' friends and a special girlfriend have reached out in ways I could never have anticipated, so you are included in this toast, too. And sister/daughter chromatid, you know who you are-you define what a true friend is. You may be tiny in stature, but you have the heart of a lion; you and your family are a blessing.
Here's the thing-when you put yourself out there for our daughter and our family, you became our family, I'm just not sure who adopted whom; and it doesn't even matter. There have been moments where any one of you has done or said SOMETHING that has blown both Bulldog and me away. DJ thinks everybody is naturally nice, because in her world there are only fairies, butterflies and fairness to all, but that's because all of you have made her feel that safe. And that alone is more than enough.
But here's the other thing: you've renewed my faith and my hope in people. And hopefully, when I share your shining examples on this blog, maybe some other person in our shoes, or DJ's shoes will know what is possible. What an incredible, unexpected gift. For that, and for everything, I thank you from the bottom of my heart.
Some of us are born into our families, some of us adopt them, or are adopted by them. Some family members "choose" each other having no DNA in common, nor any legally sanctioned anything to say it is so. Some family members started as neighbors, others as babysitters, or are sisters of another family member's significant other; some started as co-workers, or even supervisors. We acquire family members through marriage or simply long term commitment. And the natural attribute of a good family member is often that they are so often "there" for you, that their importance can be taken for granted, simply because we become so accustomed to their steadfast support.
So, if you're holding a glass of OJ, or water, a moody little Merlot or a kicky Pinot Grigio, (oops, can't forget my sis) or even simply a Bud light-please raise your glass, or can, and toast these fine folks:
The elderly, conservative but unbelievably loving and accepting Grandpa, the brothers who were ready to face down their parents if we didn't accept their new sister, the aunts (and there are MANY) who welcomed DJ to the female clan with open arms and acted as scaffolding when JD broke the news, the uncles (geez, lots of those too) who tenderly accepted their new niece, the cousins who have circled the wagons around her from the beginning, to Mimi who, frankly, just plain loves the stuffing out of DJ, always has, always will. To the Godfather of all godfathers-you are irreplacable.
To our neighbors-you were ready to kick anybody and everybody's @$$ who even looked cross-eyed at anyone in our family. To our friends,both old and new, you help make us all feel safer because of your support. To my newfound old friend, your ability to love is inspiring. To the handful of coworkers with whom I shared private information and true to your word, spoke not a word AND were able to use the correct pronouns so quickly-you blow me away. To folks who were childhood friends of my baby sister, for goodness sake, your words of encouragement are like the homemade strawbery jam in the most awesome PB&J sandwich...EVER. To the Riverbottom gang: while some of you may resemble rednecks, all of you have hearts of 24K gold. To the school counselor who is a true professional, walks softly but carries a big @$$ stick when it comes to DJ, a special shout out, as well. Even our sons' friends and a special girlfriend have reached out in ways I could never have anticipated, so you are included in this toast, too. And sister/daughter chromatid, you know who you are-you define what a true friend is. You may be tiny in stature, but you have the heart of a lion; you and your family are a blessing.
Here's the thing-when you put yourself out there for our daughter and our family, you became our family, I'm just not sure who adopted whom; and it doesn't even matter. There have been moments where any one of you has done or said SOMETHING that has blown both Bulldog and me away. DJ thinks everybody is naturally nice, because in her world there are only fairies, butterflies and fairness to all, but that's because all of you have made her feel that safe. And that alone is more than enough.
But here's the other thing: you've renewed my faith and my hope in people. And hopefully, when I share your shining examples on this blog, maybe some other person in our shoes, or DJ's shoes will know what is possible. What an incredible, unexpected gift. For that, and for everything, I thank you from the bottom of my heart.
Chaos theory in human form
Have you ever felt like your life and the universe are in cahoots to prepare you for some big event? Has there been an experience in your life that seems so ridiculously random and out of the blue, until you ponder, and then realize, that small events have transpired over the days, months, years....(hell, my age is showing, decades) that have shaped you so that you can actually deal when the proverbial $hit hits the fan?
And THAT is what makes me know there is a Creator and ultimate order in the universe. Now granted, I am NOT of the belief that we are all pawns on God's chessboard. Rather, I think God's unlimited love can lead us to righting something that can go terribly wrong. I don't think for one second that God would create a circumstance just to challenge us, or make us stronger, or teach us a lesson. Hell, we create our own blessed challenges every. single. moment. of. every. single. day. But because of God's perfect order, we can piece together the oddball instances of our life and create a mosaic. So what seems random, actually becomes purposeful.
Thirty five years ago, as a teenager in her last years of high school, I went through a terrible period of anxiety attacks. I think I was inclined that way anyway between genetics and the programming that can occur in dysfunctional families. Nonetheless, I remember the day, nay, the moment, I had my first anxiety attack....and guess what led to it? The issue of transsexualism. I am not kidding.
There was a program quite popular in its day: Hill Street Blues. It centered around an urban police department. I remember nothing of the story line except in one episode: a man who had been married for 25 years suddenly suffered the ending of his marriage when he revealed that he was a woman trapped in a man's body. This frightened me because it seemed like a plague that could suddenly descend on a person and turn one's life upside down and lead to rejection. This in due course led me to be fearful of having other "syndromes", "disorders", etc., all of which would have led to the same end result: being shunned by all who loved me. I was certain that I would end up: locked up for being nuts, having a personality disorder, being schizophrenic, being lesbian, being transgender, being a pedophile.
Do not mistake me: I do not equate being a transgendered person, or a homosexual, as being sick like a pedophile. What all these conditions have in common is that back in 1980, one could count on being rejected fairly, or unfairly, by family and society at large were one to fall into any of the aforementioned categories.
OK-so I got over my panic attacks the old fashioned way....I outgrew them. No meds-this was 1980, after all. Maybe I'm lucky or maybe this is part of God's plan, but I learned to cognitively maneuver my way through these fears. It took time, maturity, life experience, but it eventually happened. And while I was already a sensitive person, I became even more so. I identified with people who are marginalized even though I was, overall, pretty middle of the road in every other way.
My sister came out as a lesbian when we were teenagers, my parents divorced (not because of my sister), I married, became a (very anxious, initially) mother, my first husband battled depression and suicidal thoughts for years, I experienced domestic violence throughout my marriage, as well as economic depression that led me to pick up groceries from the church on more than one occasion, my marriage imploded, a protective order hearing ensued, followed by the suicide of first husband. All REALLY BAD JUJU overall, I'm sure most anyone would agree.
But what doesn't kill us makes us stronger, or at least we hope. Eventually, my life turned around, I got myself and my kids some help through the tough times, married a stable man (high five for Bulldog) and realized as I got older, that I continued to identify with the underdog. To feel for the disenfranchised and the marginalized-especially those who ended up being that way through no fault of their own. I never believed for one second that a person would choose homosexuality, or being born in the wrong body. Why would someone choose a life of potential rejection like that?
I swore when I was pregnant with DJ that I was having a girl. My symptoms were markedly different, and my gut TOLD me it was a girl, just like my gut told me, correctly, that my first two pregnancies would yield boys. My disappointment was keen when the ultrasound proved my gut wrong, but you move on right? You love your kids no matter what their genitals, or chromosomes, or DNA says.
Over the years, the topic of transsexuality popped up rarely UNTIL six months before JD came out that he was actually DJ, a she. (What I thought of as) my three sons and I were watching one of those informational channels that covers all kinds of interesting topics-strange disease processes, interesting and unusual cultural phenomena and the like, when a documentary came on discussing a marginalized part of India's culture-the transgendered folks. These folks are pretty widely recognized, but still marginalized. As we viewed this, I remarked about how difficult it must be to feel like you're in the wrong body. I mean, think about it-you wake up tomorrow and crap, you've got freaking testicles!! Or breasts!! WTF-you "feel" like the people who have the opposite genitals as you, so how can you possibly be part of the wrong team, physically? What a grotesque joke-right?!!!
Fast forward six months, and I'm at work reading a mainstream women's magazine that has a feature story of, you guessed it, transgenderism. But the picture of the young woman reveals a young woman who looks, well, quite feminine, not at all having the "drag queen" look that most of us associate with being a transgendered MTF (that's male to female for those of you unfamiliar with the lingo. The opposite being the FTM: a "genetic" female who identifies as -feels like-a male.) And wow, a pretty positive piece because this young woman has friends who know her condition and love her unconditionally. How freakin' hopeful is that? How encouraging, and I don't even need the encouragement because none of my kids is transgendered.
Except, literally, a week later, I find out that one of my kids is. You can imagine, or you know, how out of control and disordered you feel at first. But in my case, all my previous history of fear, anxiety, acceptance, education through various media suddenly clicked together and order was restored. Not immediately, mind you, but fairly quickly. God or the universe had prepared me for this, somehow. God didn't make my daughter a transgendered girl so that she could learn something, or I could learn something; rather we could internalize and learn as a result of our experiences so that when something comes along that might knock one on one's @$$, we can get up, dust off, hearken to our collective experiences and DEAL for God's sake, or more likely, for our kid's sake.
So dig deep. If this process is hard-and it is- look for experiences in your own life that will help you empathize and sympathize. If that doesn't work, use your cognitive abilities-what do you know about your kid? Systematically run through your kid's life-hindsight being 20/20, you may actually realize there were some subtle signs all along. And sometimes, if you can detect even the slightest pattern or consistency, then it begins to "make sense" and becomes less difficult to accept or understand. And if that doesn't work, use your imagination. Imagine having to wake up every day and put on a bra when you feel like you shouldn't even HAVE breasts for goodness sake. Imagine that your natural inclination is to be bubbly and sweet, tenderhearted and effusive, but the world says because you have testicles you should come across as less emotional, more reserved, more "manly", whatever the heck that means.
I work in a male dominated field. I'm a firefighter/paramedic. I wear what looks like "men's" clothes over 50 hours a week to work. It's a uniform that I can, and do, shed as soon as I get off work. THEN I wear the clothes that make me feel like "me" and assume my non-work persona. Can you imagine (and this is a poor analogy) always having to "wear" what is not comfortable, or doesn't feel like you? All day, every F-ing day of your life? This is THEIR reality until they can come out. And yes, some people come out with a vengeance but damn it, they want their REAL freaking lives, finally. We all get a little angry when we are basically told "no" over and over. On the other hand, some folks are just so relieved that they are finally being told "yes" that they'll just be freaking mary sunshine.
Either response is ok-we can be patient, we might even be able to be supportive. It's possible that we are actually be more prepared for this than we knew; we just need to give ourselves, and them, a chance.
And THAT is what makes me know there is a Creator and ultimate order in the universe. Now granted, I am NOT of the belief that we are all pawns on God's chessboard. Rather, I think God's unlimited love can lead us to righting something that can go terribly wrong. I don't think for one second that God would create a circumstance just to challenge us, or make us stronger, or teach us a lesson. Hell, we create our own blessed challenges every. single. moment. of. every. single. day. But because of God's perfect order, we can piece together the oddball instances of our life and create a mosaic. So what seems random, actually becomes purposeful.
Thirty five years ago, as a teenager in her last years of high school, I went through a terrible period of anxiety attacks. I think I was inclined that way anyway between genetics and the programming that can occur in dysfunctional families. Nonetheless, I remember the day, nay, the moment, I had my first anxiety attack....and guess what led to it? The issue of transsexualism. I am not kidding.
There was a program quite popular in its day: Hill Street Blues. It centered around an urban police department. I remember nothing of the story line except in one episode: a man who had been married for 25 years suddenly suffered the ending of his marriage when he revealed that he was a woman trapped in a man's body. This frightened me because it seemed like a plague that could suddenly descend on a person and turn one's life upside down and lead to rejection. This in due course led me to be fearful of having other "syndromes", "disorders", etc., all of which would have led to the same end result: being shunned by all who loved me. I was certain that I would end up: locked up for being nuts, having a personality disorder, being schizophrenic, being lesbian, being transgender, being a pedophile.
Do not mistake me: I do not equate being a transgendered person, or a homosexual, as being sick like a pedophile. What all these conditions have in common is that back in 1980, one could count on being rejected fairly, or unfairly, by family and society at large were one to fall into any of the aforementioned categories.
OK-so I got over my panic attacks the old fashioned way....I outgrew them. No meds-this was 1980, after all. Maybe I'm lucky or maybe this is part of God's plan, but I learned to cognitively maneuver my way through these fears. It took time, maturity, life experience, but it eventually happened. And while I was already a sensitive person, I became even more so. I identified with people who are marginalized even though I was, overall, pretty middle of the road in every other way.
My sister came out as a lesbian when we were teenagers, my parents divorced (not because of my sister), I married, became a (very anxious, initially) mother, my first husband battled depression and suicidal thoughts for years, I experienced domestic violence throughout my marriage, as well as economic depression that led me to pick up groceries from the church on more than one occasion, my marriage imploded, a protective order hearing ensued, followed by the suicide of first husband. All REALLY BAD JUJU overall, I'm sure most anyone would agree.
But what doesn't kill us makes us stronger, or at least we hope. Eventually, my life turned around, I got myself and my kids some help through the tough times, married a stable man (high five for Bulldog) and realized as I got older, that I continued to identify with the underdog. To feel for the disenfranchised and the marginalized-especially those who ended up being that way through no fault of their own. I never believed for one second that a person would choose homosexuality, or being born in the wrong body. Why would someone choose a life of potential rejection like that?
I swore when I was pregnant with DJ that I was having a girl. My symptoms were markedly different, and my gut TOLD me it was a girl, just like my gut told me, correctly, that my first two pregnancies would yield boys. My disappointment was keen when the ultrasound proved my gut wrong, but you move on right? You love your kids no matter what their genitals, or chromosomes, or DNA says.
Over the years, the topic of transsexuality popped up rarely UNTIL six months before JD came out that he was actually DJ, a she. (What I thought of as) my three sons and I were watching one of those informational channels that covers all kinds of interesting topics-strange disease processes, interesting and unusual cultural phenomena and the like, when a documentary came on discussing a marginalized part of India's culture-the transgendered folks. These folks are pretty widely recognized, but still marginalized. As we viewed this, I remarked about how difficult it must be to feel like you're in the wrong body. I mean, think about it-you wake up tomorrow and crap, you've got freaking testicles!! Or breasts!! WTF-you "feel" like the people who have the opposite genitals as you, so how can you possibly be part of the wrong team, physically? What a grotesque joke-right?!!!
Fast forward six months, and I'm at work reading a mainstream women's magazine that has a feature story of, you guessed it, transgenderism. But the picture of the young woman reveals a young woman who looks, well, quite feminine, not at all having the "drag queen" look that most of us associate with being a transgendered MTF (that's male to female for those of you unfamiliar with the lingo. The opposite being the FTM: a "genetic" female who identifies as -feels like-a male.) And wow, a pretty positive piece because this young woman has friends who know her condition and love her unconditionally. How freakin' hopeful is that? How encouraging, and I don't even need the encouragement because none of my kids is transgendered.
Except, literally, a week later, I find out that one of my kids is. You can imagine, or you know, how out of control and disordered you feel at first. But in my case, all my previous history of fear, anxiety, acceptance, education through various media suddenly clicked together and order was restored. Not immediately, mind you, but fairly quickly. God or the universe had prepared me for this, somehow. God didn't make my daughter a transgendered girl so that she could learn something, or I could learn something; rather we could internalize and learn as a result of our experiences so that when something comes along that might knock one on one's @$$, we can get up, dust off, hearken to our collective experiences and DEAL for God's sake, or more likely, for our kid's sake.
So dig deep. If this process is hard-and it is- look for experiences in your own life that will help you empathize and sympathize. If that doesn't work, use your cognitive abilities-what do you know about your kid? Systematically run through your kid's life-hindsight being 20/20, you may actually realize there were some subtle signs all along. And sometimes, if you can detect even the slightest pattern or consistency, then it begins to "make sense" and becomes less difficult to accept or understand. And if that doesn't work, use your imagination. Imagine having to wake up every day and put on a bra when you feel like you shouldn't even HAVE breasts for goodness sake. Imagine that your natural inclination is to be bubbly and sweet, tenderhearted and effusive, but the world says because you have testicles you should come across as less emotional, more reserved, more "manly", whatever the heck that means.
I work in a male dominated field. I'm a firefighter/paramedic. I wear what looks like "men's" clothes over 50 hours a week to work. It's a uniform that I can, and do, shed as soon as I get off work. THEN I wear the clothes that make me feel like "me" and assume my non-work persona. Can you imagine (and this is a poor analogy) always having to "wear" what is not comfortable, or doesn't feel like you? All day, every F-ing day of your life? This is THEIR reality until they can come out. And yes, some people come out with a vengeance but damn it, they want their REAL freaking lives, finally. We all get a little angry when we are basically told "no" over and over. On the other hand, some folks are just so relieved that they are finally being told "yes" that they'll just be freaking mary sunshine.
Either response is ok-we can be patient, we might even be able to be supportive. It's possible that we are actually be more prepared for this than we knew; we just need to give ourselves, and them, a chance.
Saturday, August 6, 2011
Pushing your limits
Earlier today we had our discussion about hair, suppressing identity, etc. I guess I've been ruminating on it because I've been revisiting those first weeks when JD first started transforming to DJ, physically. And here is another challenge for the trans person and the people who financially support the person: obtaining a new wardrobe, new grooming supplies, in our case, make-up, perhaps different room decor. What if your finances are exceedingly tight? That is a helluva challenge. Thrift stores may be a great place to start.
She was like a racehorse: she'd cleared the gate and was ready to gallop forward into her new life at breakneck speed. It's not so easy. We couldn't let DJ go to school as DJ. Everyone knew her as her male self, JD. But harder than that-were WE ready to see JD as DJ? And then we felt guilty about our selfish regard for our own feelings....it's a vicious cycle.
OK-the argument can easily be made that it's not all about us. Of course, we get that now, but getting it then was not as easy. Interestingly, it was harder for Bulldog than for me. But this is a common phenomena: the parent that has the same gender that the child was born with tends to have a tougher time making the adjustment to the "new" gender presentation. Look at Cher and her son Chaz. If you watch the OWN network, you'll see the documentary. Cher's reaction and Bulldog's reaction are pretty commonplace, we know NOW. But in the first few days and first few weeks, you suddenly learn that adjustment is a process that can differ widely from person to person.
Bulldog, as stated in previous blogs, was raw- ready to support DJ- but raw and unsure how. Or unsure if he was capable, in the end, of being able to really give her what she needed-freedom to be who she was; to dress and act like a girl. We agreed that her room was a perfect place to start. Bulldog was happy to help paint giant pink polka dots on her walls, but he just couldn't bring himself to see DJ wearing pink. And then, for some reason, when I added some giant daisies to a vase on her bedside table, it made him teary eyed again.
What was my reaction to his reaction? Mixed. I felt for him, I did, but it was incredibly clear to me (I don't know how-mother's instinct maybe?) that we MUST let her move forward as much as we possibly could. We MUST push the envelope and STRETCH our comfort zones or risk losing our kid, emotionally, or worse. I was ready to fight ruthlessly with him for it, but knew that would not serve anyone well. And to Bulldog's credit, at least the first week or two, because he was so raw, it was easy to get through to him. So we were able to make other subtle changes that helped DJ feel more like herself, but weren't terribly obvious.
Such as-tweezing the eyebrows. Just enough to clean them up and slightly feminize. Bulldog could definitely deal with that. What we thought of as "neutral" clothing followed. Nail polish on weekends, as long as it was a light, barely there, shade. It was a tough balancing act for me because I felt like the mediator trying to find balance between what DJ needed-presenting as a girl, and what Bulldog needed-NOT seeing a complete transformation yet.
But in short order, DJ started to slide a bit. She became withdrawn on Monday mornings and it increased through the week. She REALLY thought when she came out to us that the next day her new life would begin IN EARNEST. And even on weekends, it's not like she could put on a dress. I thought I could be ready for that, but Bulldog had indicated that he was in no way ready for that.
So what changed that? First, I shared with Bulldog that DJ had been painting her toenails and nails with crayons and magic marker at night and washing it off in the morning. Which just sounds freaking tragic and sad, now, and it certainly did then. It struck Bulldog as incredibly sad also, and he relented to nailpolish of any hue on her toes. Then, DJ and I took a weekend trip to the beach where she could be her true self the entire time. We stopped at a shop and I guided her toward "neutral" t-shirts to please Bulldog. Then I saw a fabulous sundress for myself. I bought it and could not bring myself to wear it. It didn't seem fair for me to be able to dress up if she couldn't. It was literally hurting me, so I could clearly imagine how it hurt her.
I told Bulldog about my inability to wear a dress and he GOT it. I ran out and grabbed a couple of cute, sundresses at Target and showed him first, again, so the initial shock could take place privately. When she saw what was waiting for her after school, the girl was beaming!!! We saw it and her joy made everything a little bit more clear to us. But clear doesn't translate to easy. An Olympic athlete knows that the clear path to success is thousands of hours and years of practice, which will be an uncomfortable, difficult, trying, painful and demanding path. But if your goal is to be an Olympic athlete, you have no choice-you MUST go through it.
So, our path has been identified. We often had to remind each other that if we think WE'VE got it rough....what the hell has DJ experienced all this time? Even with that reminder, however, it still is TOUGH at first. But again, it gets better. Look for your kid-he/she is still there. And you still have your kid-what a blessing. Some people don't get to keep their kids. When you remember that, you remember joy. Hang in there, fake acceptance if you need to for now, it will eventually come naturally.
She was like a racehorse: she'd cleared the gate and was ready to gallop forward into her new life at breakneck speed. It's not so easy. We couldn't let DJ go to school as DJ. Everyone knew her as her male self, JD. But harder than that-were WE ready to see JD as DJ? And then we felt guilty about our selfish regard for our own feelings....it's a vicious cycle.
OK-the argument can easily be made that it's not all about us. Of course, we get that now, but getting it then was not as easy. Interestingly, it was harder for Bulldog than for me. But this is a common phenomena: the parent that has the same gender that the child was born with tends to have a tougher time making the adjustment to the "new" gender presentation. Look at Cher and her son Chaz. If you watch the OWN network, you'll see the documentary. Cher's reaction and Bulldog's reaction are pretty commonplace, we know NOW. But in the first few days and first few weeks, you suddenly learn that adjustment is a process that can differ widely from person to person.
Bulldog, as stated in previous blogs, was raw- ready to support DJ- but raw and unsure how. Or unsure if he was capable, in the end, of being able to really give her what she needed-freedom to be who she was; to dress and act like a girl. We agreed that her room was a perfect place to start. Bulldog was happy to help paint giant pink polka dots on her walls, but he just couldn't bring himself to see DJ wearing pink. And then, for some reason, when I added some giant daisies to a vase on her bedside table, it made him teary eyed again.
What was my reaction to his reaction? Mixed. I felt for him, I did, but it was incredibly clear to me (I don't know how-mother's instinct maybe?) that we MUST let her move forward as much as we possibly could. We MUST push the envelope and STRETCH our comfort zones or risk losing our kid, emotionally, or worse. I was ready to fight ruthlessly with him for it, but knew that would not serve anyone well. And to Bulldog's credit, at least the first week or two, because he was so raw, it was easy to get through to him. So we were able to make other subtle changes that helped DJ feel more like herself, but weren't terribly obvious.
Such as-tweezing the eyebrows. Just enough to clean them up and slightly feminize. Bulldog could definitely deal with that. What we thought of as "neutral" clothing followed. Nail polish on weekends, as long as it was a light, barely there, shade. It was a tough balancing act for me because I felt like the mediator trying to find balance between what DJ needed-presenting as a girl, and what Bulldog needed-NOT seeing a complete transformation yet.
But in short order, DJ started to slide a bit. She became withdrawn on Monday mornings and it increased through the week. She REALLY thought when she came out to us that the next day her new life would begin IN EARNEST. And even on weekends, it's not like she could put on a dress. I thought I could be ready for that, but Bulldog had indicated that he was in no way ready for that.
So what changed that? First, I shared with Bulldog that DJ had been painting her toenails and nails with crayons and magic marker at night and washing it off in the morning. Which just sounds freaking tragic and sad, now, and it certainly did then. It struck Bulldog as incredibly sad also, and he relented to nailpolish of any hue on her toes. Then, DJ and I took a weekend trip to the beach where she could be her true self the entire time. We stopped at a shop and I guided her toward "neutral" t-shirts to please Bulldog. Then I saw a fabulous sundress for myself. I bought it and could not bring myself to wear it. It didn't seem fair for me to be able to dress up if she couldn't. It was literally hurting me, so I could clearly imagine how it hurt her.
I told Bulldog about my inability to wear a dress and he GOT it. I ran out and grabbed a couple of cute, sundresses at Target and showed him first, again, so the initial shock could take place privately. When she saw what was waiting for her after school, the girl was beaming!!! We saw it and her joy made everything a little bit more clear to us. But clear doesn't translate to easy. An Olympic athlete knows that the clear path to success is thousands of hours and years of practice, which will be an uncomfortable, difficult, trying, painful and demanding path. But if your goal is to be an Olympic athlete, you have no choice-you MUST go through it.
So, our path has been identified. We often had to remind each other that if we think WE'VE got it rough....what the hell has DJ experienced all this time? Even with that reminder, however, it still is TOUGH at first. But again, it gets better. Look for your kid-he/she is still there. And you still have your kid-what a blessing. Some people don't get to keep their kids. When you remember that, you remember joy. Hang in there, fake acceptance if you need to for now, it will eventually come naturally.
Compromise
DJ wants to color her hair. No problem-when I was her age, I wanted to experiment with my look, too. We've already let her dabble a bit in this direction by the way of a few vibrant streaks in her hair. But that's not enough apparently because now she wants her entire head to be a work of technicolor art. Initially, to quote a"Glee" character (because I'm hip like that), I said, "Hell to the no." I followed with something that I thought was even wittier, which neither she, nor Bulldog on my repeating it at a later date, found amusing, "You will look like something out of a Dr. Seuss book."
Of course, she brought it up to me first, knowing Bulldog's propensity towards inflexibility. But, in true teenage fashion, my "hello to the no" remark only caused her to dig in her heels, nicely, mind you, 'cause that's how DJ rolls. She won me over by agreeing to: 1) use a semi-permanent dye 2) not bleach her hair first 3) pay for it and maintain it herself. I told her if she REALLY wanted to do this, she'd run it by Bulldog/Dad.
To his credit, HE didn't respond with a "hell to the no" but rather with, "let me think about it." I warned her that she would have to continue to pursue the issue with him because "let me think about it" actually means, "I might agree to it after you repeatedly bring it up after I attempt to avoid the issue."
So, I brought it up to him and Bulldog raised an interesting point. We're facing the first school year where DJ will not only be in school full time, but she will be in the regular student population for every single class, rather than spending a large portion of her day in the comparatively safe and secluded computer lab.
Her first semester after she began her transition was spent primarily being schooled at home with online courses. We live in a conservative, small town. It's the kind of place where the ladies at Wal-Mart are the nicest in the world, because it's a small town, while being different can really piss off the people who were born and raised in that same small town. To our small town's credit, aside from the open ridicule from a teacher (we didn't see that coming-especially from that teacher), DJ has been treated well, on her return, the second semester. But a significant part of her day was spent doing AP classes in the computer lab, which allowed her to mix in with the student population somewhat, in a very chaperoned manner.
This semester will be your typical semester-no seclusion in computer lab. We (Bulldog and I) think of it as an important, and somewhat frightening, big step. DJ thinks it's de rigeur, because she's a kid. Bulldog is concerned that sending her to school with, albeit a comparatively subdued hue of, vibrant crayola hair could serve to make her a target. His thought was to see how the first month of school went, and if it went as well as last year, he'd give her the green light to make her hair....well, not green, but only a few crayons over in the box from green.
She was upset. It took some talking to get at exactly why she was upset, other than the "But I want to do it now" response many young people employ. She was upset because she felt like we were reacting because of the fact that she's a trans girl. Well....she's kinda right on that one. But wouldn't we be foolhardy to not recognize the potential for fall out? Our rationale, as we explained it to her was to let kids get to know her for her. Most everybody has heard about her, that used to be a guy, etc., etc., but let those kids who don't know her see her for who she is: a regular girl. People have visceral reactions to other people not being mainstream. DJ is "lucky" that her natural appearance lends itself easily to passing as the girl she is both inside, and almost entirely, outside, as well. Add the technicolor hair, and it just might make her "too" different, at first.
"Let people get to know you first" was our thought process. She wasn't buying it. We were holding her back from being herself and we were trying to keep her trans status under wraps, she said. Ummmm, we're just trying to get you to adulthood unscathed, we said.
Being a girl in this world is scary. One in four girls will be molested before adulthood. One in freaking four!!! One in four women will experience domestic violence in her life. WTF! Should not these mirror images of statistics scare the crap out of all women and the people who love them? Now, on top of being a woman, or a girl, you're a trans girl, or a lesbian girl, or a "butch" girl-does that not have the potential for making you more of a target and as parents, shouldn't we proceed even more cautiously? Well, that's our perspective. She still ain't buyin' it, but we've convinced her that, "yes, you can dye your hair a color that resembles a fruit next month, if everything is going well at school" is a far cry from "hell to the no", and THAT, dear daughter, is called compromise.
Of course, she brought it up to me first, knowing Bulldog's propensity towards inflexibility. But, in true teenage fashion, my "hello to the no" remark only caused her to dig in her heels, nicely, mind you, 'cause that's how DJ rolls. She won me over by agreeing to: 1) use a semi-permanent dye 2) not bleach her hair first 3) pay for it and maintain it herself. I told her if she REALLY wanted to do this, she'd run it by Bulldog/Dad.
To his credit, HE didn't respond with a "hell to the no" but rather with, "let me think about it." I warned her that she would have to continue to pursue the issue with him because "let me think about it" actually means, "I might agree to it after you repeatedly bring it up after I attempt to avoid the issue."
So, I brought it up to him and Bulldog raised an interesting point. We're facing the first school year where DJ will not only be in school full time, but she will be in the regular student population for every single class, rather than spending a large portion of her day in the comparatively safe and secluded computer lab.
Her first semester after she began her transition was spent primarily being schooled at home with online courses. We live in a conservative, small town. It's the kind of place where the ladies at Wal-Mart are the nicest in the world, because it's a small town, while being different can really piss off the people who were born and raised in that same small town. To our small town's credit, aside from the open ridicule from a teacher (we didn't see that coming-especially from that teacher), DJ has been treated well, on her return, the second semester. But a significant part of her day was spent doing AP classes in the computer lab, which allowed her to mix in with the student population somewhat, in a very chaperoned manner.
This semester will be your typical semester-no seclusion in computer lab. We (Bulldog and I) think of it as an important, and somewhat frightening, big step. DJ thinks it's de rigeur, because she's a kid. Bulldog is concerned that sending her to school with, albeit a comparatively subdued hue of, vibrant crayola hair could serve to make her a target. His thought was to see how the first month of school went, and if it went as well as last year, he'd give her the green light to make her hair....well, not green, but only a few crayons over in the box from green.
She was upset. It took some talking to get at exactly why she was upset, other than the "But I want to do it now" response many young people employ. She was upset because she felt like we were reacting because of the fact that she's a trans girl. Well....she's kinda right on that one. But wouldn't we be foolhardy to not recognize the potential for fall out? Our rationale, as we explained it to her was to let kids get to know her for her. Most everybody has heard about her, that used to be a guy, etc., etc., but let those kids who don't know her see her for who she is: a regular girl. People have visceral reactions to other people not being mainstream. DJ is "lucky" that her natural appearance lends itself easily to passing as the girl she is both inside, and almost entirely, outside, as well. Add the technicolor hair, and it just might make her "too" different, at first.
"Let people get to know you first" was our thought process. She wasn't buying it. We were holding her back from being herself and we were trying to keep her trans status under wraps, she said. Ummmm, we're just trying to get you to adulthood unscathed, we said.
Being a girl in this world is scary. One in four girls will be molested before adulthood. One in freaking four!!! One in four women will experience domestic violence in her life. WTF! Should not these mirror images of statistics scare the crap out of all women and the people who love them? Now, on top of being a woman, or a girl, you're a trans girl, or a lesbian girl, or a "butch" girl-does that not have the potential for making you more of a target and as parents, shouldn't we proceed even more cautiously? Well, that's our perspective. She still ain't buyin' it, but we've convinced her that, "yes, you can dye your hair a color that resembles a fruit next month, if everything is going well at school" is a far cry from "hell to the no", and THAT, dear daughter, is called compromise.
Gotta find the humor
Eventually, I may tell the story of the actual coming out. But today I want to focus on some of the humorous moments because believe me, the humorous moments will present themselves, if you can be open to it. And those moments of laughter help you get through the awkwardness of those weeks, and months of adjustment.
Within 2 hours of hearing that our son believed he was a she, my husband and I had to take a time out together. We had already made an appointment to go look at a used car for our oldest son and besides which, we welcomed the opportunity to step away and regroup. As my husband is driving, he sighs heavily. I sense a tone of exasperation in his voice, and I involuntarily tense up. I'm ready to jump into lioness mother mode to defend our son, rather, damnit, our daughter, when he states, "Well, this is what happens when you let your kid become a vegetarian." Pause....relieved (almost hysterical?) laughter ensues. Then we pulled into the next convenience store and each grabbed a candy bar. Chocolate makes everything better, right?
Now Bulldog, how I refer to my husband in my head, is being pretty accepting overall. He WANTS to accept, but isn't sure how to accept enough to let DJ, our new daughter who we still view as a son, start "being" DJ at home. He needs time to adjust. DJ is SO OVER waiting, she's ready to dress in gold lame, probably. She's got almost 15 years of "girly" that's been dying to get out. And, her birthday is literally a few days away. Luckily, I am a last minute shopper or she would have gotten another article of clothing about which she could not care less.
Literally, on her birthday, I went to the store and headed to the Junior Miss department. I thought to myself, "It's my son's 15th birthday and I need to find a dress that will not make his father freak out." This was a delicate operation-I had to choose something that said to DJ-"we hear you and we accept that you are a girl" without sending her father over the edge. Pink anything was out of the question. A dress? Forget it.
White cargo shorts with a blue plaid blouse that hinted at being a peasant blouse was what I walked out of the store with, along with flip-flops that had some minor embellishment to them. Pretty conservative-just skating the line of femininity without screaming it. I congratulated myself on my ingenuity.
On arriving home, I knew I had to show Bulldog what we were giving DJ so that his initial shock would be a private moment between only us. His face fell and his eyes welled with tears. He wasn't ready but he had to be ready, nonetheless. Well, I guess he didn't have to be, but if he didn't "act" ready, and let DJ be DJ, then she would have suffered.
DJ was thrilled with her new outfit. More significantly, she was gratified. Our gesture signified progress and a certain level of acceptance, even if she was only allowed to wear such things after school. Baby steps and a sense of humor: a formula that's working thus far....
Within 2 hours of hearing that our son believed he was a she, my husband and I had to take a time out together. We had already made an appointment to go look at a used car for our oldest son and besides which, we welcomed the opportunity to step away and regroup. As my husband is driving, he sighs heavily. I sense a tone of exasperation in his voice, and I involuntarily tense up. I'm ready to jump into lioness mother mode to defend our son, rather, damnit, our daughter, when he states, "Well, this is what happens when you let your kid become a vegetarian." Pause....relieved (almost hysterical?) laughter ensues. Then we pulled into the next convenience store and each grabbed a candy bar. Chocolate makes everything better, right?
Now Bulldog, how I refer to my husband in my head, is being pretty accepting overall. He WANTS to accept, but isn't sure how to accept enough to let DJ, our new daughter who we still view as a son, start "being" DJ at home. He needs time to adjust. DJ is SO OVER waiting, she's ready to dress in gold lame, probably. She's got almost 15 years of "girly" that's been dying to get out. And, her birthday is literally a few days away. Luckily, I am a last minute shopper or she would have gotten another article of clothing about which she could not care less.
Literally, on her birthday, I went to the store and headed to the Junior Miss department. I thought to myself, "It's my son's 15th birthday and I need to find a dress that will not make his father freak out." This was a delicate operation-I had to choose something that said to DJ-"we hear you and we accept that you are a girl" without sending her father over the edge. Pink anything was out of the question. A dress? Forget it.
White cargo shorts with a blue plaid blouse that hinted at being a peasant blouse was what I walked out of the store with, along with flip-flops that had some minor embellishment to them. Pretty conservative-just skating the line of femininity without screaming it. I congratulated myself on my ingenuity.
On arriving home, I knew I had to show Bulldog what we were giving DJ so that his initial shock would be a private moment between only us. His face fell and his eyes welled with tears. He wasn't ready but he had to be ready, nonetheless. Well, I guess he didn't have to be, but if he didn't "act" ready, and let DJ be DJ, then she would have suffered.
DJ was thrilled with her new outfit. More significantly, she was gratified. Our gesture signified progress and a certain level of acceptance, even if she was only allowed to wear such things after school. Baby steps and a sense of humor: a formula that's working thus far....
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