Earlier today we had our discussion about hair, suppressing identity, etc. I guess I've been ruminating on it because I've been revisiting those first weeks when JD first started transforming to DJ, physically. And here is another challenge for the trans person and the people who financially support the person: obtaining a new wardrobe, new grooming supplies, in our case, make-up, perhaps different room decor. What if your finances are exceedingly tight? That is a helluva challenge. Thrift stores may be a great place to start.
She was like a racehorse: she'd cleared the gate and was ready to gallop forward into her new life at breakneck speed. It's not so easy. We couldn't let DJ go to school as DJ. Everyone knew her as her male self, JD. But harder than that-were WE ready to see JD as DJ? And then we felt guilty about our selfish regard for our own feelings....it's a vicious cycle.
OK-the argument can easily be made that it's not all about us. Of course, we get that now, but getting it then was not as easy. Interestingly, it was harder for Bulldog than for me. But this is a common phenomena: the parent that has the same gender that the child was born with tends to have a tougher time making the adjustment to the "new" gender presentation. Look at Cher and her son Chaz. If you watch the OWN network, you'll see the documentary. Cher's reaction and Bulldog's reaction are pretty commonplace, we know NOW. But in the first few days and first few weeks, you suddenly learn that adjustment is a process that can differ widely from person to person.
Bulldog, as stated in previous blogs, was raw- ready to support DJ- but raw and unsure how. Or unsure if he was capable, in the end, of being able to really give her what she needed-freedom to be who she was; to dress and act like a girl. We agreed that her room was a perfect place to start. Bulldog was happy to help paint giant pink polka dots on her walls, but he just couldn't bring himself to see DJ wearing pink. And then, for some reason, when I added some giant daisies to a vase on her bedside table, it made him teary eyed again.
What was my reaction to his reaction? Mixed. I felt for him, I did, but it was incredibly clear to me (I don't know how-mother's instinct maybe?) that we MUST let her move forward as much as we possibly could. We MUST push the envelope and STRETCH our comfort zones or risk losing our kid, emotionally, or worse. I was ready to fight ruthlessly with him for it, but knew that would not serve anyone well. And to Bulldog's credit, at least the first week or two, because he was so raw, it was easy to get through to him. So we were able to make other subtle changes that helped DJ feel more like herself, but weren't terribly obvious.
Such as-tweezing the eyebrows. Just enough to clean them up and slightly feminize. Bulldog could definitely deal with that. What we thought of as "neutral" clothing followed. Nail polish on weekends, as long as it was a light, barely there, shade. It was a tough balancing act for me because I felt like the mediator trying to find balance between what DJ needed-presenting as a girl, and what Bulldog needed-NOT seeing a complete transformation yet.
But in short order, DJ started to slide a bit. She became withdrawn on Monday mornings and it increased through the week. She REALLY thought when she came out to us that the next day her new life would begin IN EARNEST. And even on weekends, it's not like she could put on a dress. I thought I could be ready for that, but Bulldog had indicated that he was in no way ready for that.
So what changed that? First, I shared with Bulldog that DJ had been painting her toenails and nails with crayons and magic marker at night and washing it off in the morning. Which just sounds freaking tragic and sad, now, and it certainly did then. It struck Bulldog as incredibly sad also, and he relented to nailpolish of any hue on her toes. Then, DJ and I took a weekend trip to the beach where she could be her true self the entire time. We stopped at a shop and I guided her toward "neutral" t-shirts to please Bulldog. Then I saw a fabulous sundress for myself. I bought it and could not bring myself to wear it. It didn't seem fair for me to be able to dress up if she couldn't. It was literally hurting me, so I could clearly imagine how it hurt her.
I told Bulldog about my inability to wear a dress and he GOT it. I ran out and grabbed a couple of cute, sundresses at Target and showed him first, again, so the initial shock could take place privately. When she saw what was waiting for her after school, the girl was beaming!!! We saw it and her joy made everything a little bit more clear to us. But clear doesn't translate to easy. An Olympic athlete knows that the clear path to success is thousands of hours and years of practice, which will be an uncomfortable, difficult, trying, painful and demanding path. But if your goal is to be an Olympic athlete, you have no choice-you MUST go through it.
So, our path has been identified. We often had to remind each other that if we think WE'VE got it rough....what the hell has DJ experienced all this time? Even with that reminder, however, it still is TOUGH at first. But again, it gets better. Look for your kid-he/she is still there. And you still have your kid-what a blessing. Some people don't get to keep their kids. When you remember that, you remember joy. Hang in there, fake acceptance if you need to for now, it will eventually come naturally.
Saturday, August 6, 2011
Compromise
DJ wants to color her hair. No problem-when I was her age, I wanted to experiment with my look, too. We've already let her dabble a bit in this direction by the way of a few vibrant streaks in her hair. But that's not enough apparently because now she wants her entire head to be a work of technicolor art. Initially, to quote a"Glee" character (because I'm hip like that), I said, "Hell to the no." I followed with something that I thought was even wittier, which neither she, nor Bulldog on my repeating it at a later date, found amusing, "You will look like something out of a Dr. Seuss book."
Of course, she brought it up to me first, knowing Bulldog's propensity towards inflexibility. But, in true teenage fashion, my "hello to the no" remark only caused her to dig in her heels, nicely, mind you, 'cause that's how DJ rolls. She won me over by agreeing to: 1) use a semi-permanent dye 2) not bleach her hair first 3) pay for it and maintain it herself. I told her if she REALLY wanted to do this, she'd run it by Bulldog/Dad.
To his credit, HE didn't respond with a "hell to the no" but rather with, "let me think about it." I warned her that she would have to continue to pursue the issue with him because "let me think about it" actually means, "I might agree to it after you repeatedly bring it up after I attempt to avoid the issue."
So, I brought it up to him and Bulldog raised an interesting point. We're facing the first school year where DJ will not only be in school full time, but she will be in the regular student population for every single class, rather than spending a large portion of her day in the comparatively safe and secluded computer lab.
Her first semester after she began her transition was spent primarily being schooled at home with online courses. We live in a conservative, small town. It's the kind of place where the ladies at Wal-Mart are the nicest in the world, because it's a small town, while being different can really piss off the people who were born and raised in that same small town. To our small town's credit, aside from the open ridicule from a teacher (we didn't see that coming-especially from that teacher), DJ has been treated well, on her return, the second semester. But a significant part of her day was spent doing AP classes in the computer lab, which allowed her to mix in with the student population somewhat, in a very chaperoned manner.
This semester will be your typical semester-no seclusion in computer lab. We (Bulldog and I) think of it as an important, and somewhat frightening, big step. DJ thinks it's de rigeur, because she's a kid. Bulldog is concerned that sending her to school with, albeit a comparatively subdued hue of, vibrant crayola hair could serve to make her a target. His thought was to see how the first month of school went, and if it went as well as last year, he'd give her the green light to make her hair....well, not green, but only a few crayons over in the box from green.
She was upset. It took some talking to get at exactly why she was upset, other than the "But I want to do it now" response many young people employ. She was upset because she felt like we were reacting because of the fact that she's a trans girl. Well....she's kinda right on that one. But wouldn't we be foolhardy to not recognize the potential for fall out? Our rationale, as we explained it to her was to let kids get to know her for her. Most everybody has heard about her, that used to be a guy, etc., etc., but let those kids who don't know her see her for who she is: a regular girl. People have visceral reactions to other people not being mainstream. DJ is "lucky" that her natural appearance lends itself easily to passing as the girl she is both inside, and almost entirely, outside, as well. Add the technicolor hair, and it just might make her "too" different, at first.
"Let people get to know you first" was our thought process. She wasn't buying it. We were holding her back from being herself and we were trying to keep her trans status under wraps, she said. Ummmm, we're just trying to get you to adulthood unscathed, we said.
Being a girl in this world is scary. One in four girls will be molested before adulthood. One in freaking four!!! One in four women will experience domestic violence in her life. WTF! Should not these mirror images of statistics scare the crap out of all women and the people who love them? Now, on top of being a woman, or a girl, you're a trans girl, or a lesbian girl, or a "butch" girl-does that not have the potential for making you more of a target and as parents, shouldn't we proceed even more cautiously? Well, that's our perspective. She still ain't buyin' it, but we've convinced her that, "yes, you can dye your hair a color that resembles a fruit next month, if everything is going well at school" is a far cry from "hell to the no", and THAT, dear daughter, is called compromise.
Of course, she brought it up to me first, knowing Bulldog's propensity towards inflexibility. But, in true teenage fashion, my "hello to the no" remark only caused her to dig in her heels, nicely, mind you, 'cause that's how DJ rolls. She won me over by agreeing to: 1) use a semi-permanent dye 2) not bleach her hair first 3) pay for it and maintain it herself. I told her if she REALLY wanted to do this, she'd run it by Bulldog/Dad.
To his credit, HE didn't respond with a "hell to the no" but rather with, "let me think about it." I warned her that she would have to continue to pursue the issue with him because "let me think about it" actually means, "I might agree to it after you repeatedly bring it up after I attempt to avoid the issue."
So, I brought it up to him and Bulldog raised an interesting point. We're facing the first school year where DJ will not only be in school full time, but she will be in the regular student population for every single class, rather than spending a large portion of her day in the comparatively safe and secluded computer lab.
Her first semester after she began her transition was spent primarily being schooled at home with online courses. We live in a conservative, small town. It's the kind of place where the ladies at Wal-Mart are the nicest in the world, because it's a small town, while being different can really piss off the people who were born and raised in that same small town. To our small town's credit, aside from the open ridicule from a teacher (we didn't see that coming-especially from that teacher), DJ has been treated well, on her return, the second semester. But a significant part of her day was spent doing AP classes in the computer lab, which allowed her to mix in with the student population somewhat, in a very chaperoned manner.
This semester will be your typical semester-no seclusion in computer lab. We (Bulldog and I) think of it as an important, and somewhat frightening, big step. DJ thinks it's de rigeur, because she's a kid. Bulldog is concerned that sending her to school with, albeit a comparatively subdued hue of, vibrant crayola hair could serve to make her a target. His thought was to see how the first month of school went, and if it went as well as last year, he'd give her the green light to make her hair....well, not green, but only a few crayons over in the box from green.
She was upset. It took some talking to get at exactly why she was upset, other than the "But I want to do it now" response many young people employ. She was upset because she felt like we were reacting because of the fact that she's a trans girl. Well....she's kinda right on that one. But wouldn't we be foolhardy to not recognize the potential for fall out? Our rationale, as we explained it to her was to let kids get to know her for her. Most everybody has heard about her, that used to be a guy, etc., etc., but let those kids who don't know her see her for who she is: a regular girl. People have visceral reactions to other people not being mainstream. DJ is "lucky" that her natural appearance lends itself easily to passing as the girl she is both inside, and almost entirely, outside, as well. Add the technicolor hair, and it just might make her "too" different, at first.
"Let people get to know you first" was our thought process. She wasn't buying it. We were holding her back from being herself and we were trying to keep her trans status under wraps, she said. Ummmm, we're just trying to get you to adulthood unscathed, we said.
Being a girl in this world is scary. One in four girls will be molested before adulthood. One in freaking four!!! One in four women will experience domestic violence in her life. WTF! Should not these mirror images of statistics scare the crap out of all women and the people who love them? Now, on top of being a woman, or a girl, you're a trans girl, or a lesbian girl, or a "butch" girl-does that not have the potential for making you more of a target and as parents, shouldn't we proceed even more cautiously? Well, that's our perspective. She still ain't buyin' it, but we've convinced her that, "yes, you can dye your hair a color that resembles a fruit next month, if everything is going well at school" is a far cry from "hell to the no", and THAT, dear daughter, is called compromise.
Gotta find the humor
Eventually, I may tell the story of the actual coming out. But today I want to focus on some of the humorous moments because believe me, the humorous moments will present themselves, if you can be open to it. And those moments of laughter help you get through the awkwardness of those weeks, and months of adjustment.
Within 2 hours of hearing that our son believed he was a she, my husband and I had to take a time out together. We had already made an appointment to go look at a used car for our oldest son and besides which, we welcomed the opportunity to step away and regroup. As my husband is driving, he sighs heavily. I sense a tone of exasperation in his voice, and I involuntarily tense up. I'm ready to jump into lioness mother mode to defend our son, rather, damnit, our daughter, when he states, "Well, this is what happens when you let your kid become a vegetarian." Pause....relieved (almost hysterical?) laughter ensues. Then we pulled into the next convenience store and each grabbed a candy bar. Chocolate makes everything better, right?
Now Bulldog, how I refer to my husband in my head, is being pretty accepting overall. He WANTS to accept, but isn't sure how to accept enough to let DJ, our new daughter who we still view as a son, start "being" DJ at home. He needs time to adjust. DJ is SO OVER waiting, she's ready to dress in gold lame, probably. She's got almost 15 years of "girly" that's been dying to get out. And, her birthday is literally a few days away. Luckily, I am a last minute shopper or she would have gotten another article of clothing about which she could not care less.
Literally, on her birthday, I went to the store and headed to the Junior Miss department. I thought to myself, "It's my son's 15th birthday and I need to find a dress that will not make his father freak out." This was a delicate operation-I had to choose something that said to DJ-"we hear you and we accept that you are a girl" without sending her father over the edge. Pink anything was out of the question. A dress? Forget it.
White cargo shorts with a blue plaid blouse that hinted at being a peasant blouse was what I walked out of the store with, along with flip-flops that had some minor embellishment to them. Pretty conservative-just skating the line of femininity without screaming it. I congratulated myself on my ingenuity.
On arriving home, I knew I had to show Bulldog what we were giving DJ so that his initial shock would be a private moment between only us. His face fell and his eyes welled with tears. He wasn't ready but he had to be ready, nonetheless. Well, I guess he didn't have to be, but if he didn't "act" ready, and let DJ be DJ, then she would have suffered.
DJ was thrilled with her new outfit. More significantly, she was gratified. Our gesture signified progress and a certain level of acceptance, even if she was only allowed to wear such things after school. Baby steps and a sense of humor: a formula that's working thus far....
Within 2 hours of hearing that our son believed he was a she, my husband and I had to take a time out together. We had already made an appointment to go look at a used car for our oldest son and besides which, we welcomed the opportunity to step away and regroup. As my husband is driving, he sighs heavily. I sense a tone of exasperation in his voice, and I involuntarily tense up. I'm ready to jump into lioness mother mode to defend our son, rather, damnit, our daughter, when he states, "Well, this is what happens when you let your kid become a vegetarian." Pause....relieved (almost hysterical?) laughter ensues. Then we pulled into the next convenience store and each grabbed a candy bar. Chocolate makes everything better, right?
Now Bulldog, how I refer to my husband in my head, is being pretty accepting overall. He WANTS to accept, but isn't sure how to accept enough to let DJ, our new daughter who we still view as a son, start "being" DJ at home. He needs time to adjust. DJ is SO OVER waiting, she's ready to dress in gold lame, probably. She's got almost 15 years of "girly" that's been dying to get out. And, her birthday is literally a few days away. Luckily, I am a last minute shopper or she would have gotten another article of clothing about which she could not care less.
Literally, on her birthday, I went to the store and headed to the Junior Miss department. I thought to myself, "It's my son's 15th birthday and I need to find a dress that will not make his father freak out." This was a delicate operation-I had to choose something that said to DJ-"we hear you and we accept that you are a girl" without sending her father over the edge. Pink anything was out of the question. A dress? Forget it.
White cargo shorts with a blue plaid blouse that hinted at being a peasant blouse was what I walked out of the store with, along with flip-flops that had some minor embellishment to them. Pretty conservative-just skating the line of femininity without screaming it. I congratulated myself on my ingenuity.
On arriving home, I knew I had to show Bulldog what we were giving DJ so that his initial shock would be a private moment between only us. His face fell and his eyes welled with tears. He wasn't ready but he had to be ready, nonetheless. Well, I guess he didn't have to be, but if he didn't "act" ready, and let DJ be DJ, then she would have suffered.
DJ was thrilled with her new outfit. More significantly, she was gratified. Our gesture signified progress and a certain level of acceptance, even if she was only allowed to wear such things after school. Baby steps and a sense of humor: a formula that's working thus far....
Thursday, August 4, 2011
The sun ain't always shinin'
Lest I give the impression that my husband and I have it all figured out and it's always smooth sailing-we don't, and it isn't. Lately, my husband has been re-experiencing a sense of loss of our "son" JD, in spite of truly loving our daughter, DJ. It's gut-wrenching stuff. You truly miss that other child in spite of seeing remnants of that other child in the child before you.
My husband is a bulldog of a man. Not in stature but in make-up as a person. He is protective and often comes across as stern and bossy-but that is how he loves us. Vulnerability is NOT something you think of when dealing with him, yet this challenge has rendered him as vulnerable as a newborn baby. He is literally stripped raw of his defenses. He shares this with me, but certainly not with DJ. In fact, he continues to adore her and interacts with her in his playful way, much to his credit. Nonetheless, he has lost the son, JD and he misses him terribly. He keeps looking for signs of the lost son, and he's having a hard time remembering the lost son. Doesn't this sound like a death in the family has occurred? In a way, it has.
My approach is different. Quite by accident, I must state. I think of JD as DJ's twin brother who is away at school. The fact that there are so many similarities naturally makes sense in light of the fact that, in my mind, they are fraternal twins. Granted, I don't see JD at holidays, or any other time of the year anymore, and looking at pictures of JD as a little boy is hard, at times, but to me, JD isn't "dead" so much as just not living here anymore. It doesn't make much sense, but who says coping mechanisms have to make sense? Neither my husband's way nor mine is right or wrong, just a different path to the same destination: processing the change.
If you have more than one child, and one of them died, desperately missing the one that died does not mean that you love your living children less, or less than the child that is gone. So, in my mind, you are not doing a disservice to your trans-child in missing their other-gendered "self"-but that doesn't mean you have to share that with them, because they may misconstrue.
I made that mistake once in stating to my daughter how much I had loved her "twin" brother. I thought I was stating the obvious, that certainly I loved her, but I somehow managed to make her feel that JD was more special and more loved than DJ. Luckily, I was paying attention to her reaction. She explained her feelings and I reassured her we love DJ the same as JD, but that DJ certainly had more courage than we knew anyone was capable of.
It's worth thinking about-the courage your child had in being true to his/her self. I frankly can't imagine it. My own courage paled in comparison at first. I actually thought about and worried what other people would think of us as parents: what did we do "wrong" in raising this kid. I worried, selfishly, about the friends we would lose. Yup- my daughter had more of a backbone than both of her parents combined, at first. We just were good at giving the impression of being strong-at least at first. It's the real thing now, but it wasn't always. We grew into our backbones. You will too. As always, hang in there :)
My husband is a bulldog of a man. Not in stature but in make-up as a person. He is protective and often comes across as stern and bossy-but that is how he loves us. Vulnerability is NOT something you think of when dealing with him, yet this challenge has rendered him as vulnerable as a newborn baby. He is literally stripped raw of his defenses. He shares this with me, but certainly not with DJ. In fact, he continues to adore her and interacts with her in his playful way, much to his credit. Nonetheless, he has lost the son, JD and he misses him terribly. He keeps looking for signs of the lost son, and he's having a hard time remembering the lost son. Doesn't this sound like a death in the family has occurred? In a way, it has.
My approach is different. Quite by accident, I must state. I think of JD as DJ's twin brother who is away at school. The fact that there are so many similarities naturally makes sense in light of the fact that, in my mind, they are fraternal twins. Granted, I don't see JD at holidays, or any other time of the year anymore, and looking at pictures of JD as a little boy is hard, at times, but to me, JD isn't "dead" so much as just not living here anymore. It doesn't make much sense, but who says coping mechanisms have to make sense? Neither my husband's way nor mine is right or wrong, just a different path to the same destination: processing the change.
If you have more than one child, and one of them died, desperately missing the one that died does not mean that you love your living children less, or less than the child that is gone. So, in my mind, you are not doing a disservice to your trans-child in missing their other-gendered "self"-but that doesn't mean you have to share that with them, because they may misconstrue.
I made that mistake once in stating to my daughter how much I had loved her "twin" brother. I thought I was stating the obvious, that certainly I loved her, but I somehow managed to make her feel that JD was more special and more loved than DJ. Luckily, I was paying attention to her reaction. She explained her feelings and I reassured her we love DJ the same as JD, but that DJ certainly had more courage than we knew anyone was capable of.
It's worth thinking about-the courage your child had in being true to his/her self. I frankly can't imagine it. My own courage paled in comparison at first. I actually thought about and worried what other people would think of us as parents: what did we do "wrong" in raising this kid. I worried, selfishly, about the friends we would lose. Yup- my daughter had more of a backbone than both of her parents combined, at first. We just were good at giving the impression of being strong-at least at first. It's the real thing now, but it wasn't always. We grew into our backbones. You will too. As always, hang in there :)
Books to read and words of encouragement
Whether you are new to this reality, or an old timer who still feels like they just don't get it, try reading the following. They were initially recommended by a therapist who is very experienced in treating trans kids:
The Transgender Child by Stephanie Brill and Rachel Pepper
True Selves, Understanding Transsexualism by Mildred L. Brown and Chloe Ann Rounsley
Transgender Explained for those who are not by Joanne Herman
This a great place to start as the explanations are gentle, not in-your-face, and particularly in the case of True Selves, explain from the perspective of a transgender person. It's hard to not feel empathy after reading it.
By the way, if you're struggling with feeling sympathy or empathy-meaning you're just reeling from trying to absorb and accept and cannot possibly feel another emotion-FAKE IT!! Seriously-it will eventually come naturally. And if you can manage it, try to start using the pronoun of the gender your child feels he/she is, rather than the gender he/she was born-at least to the trans person and to immediate family members residing in the home. AGAIN-it will feel STRANGE as all H - E - double- toothpicks!!! It's a starting place and your kid will be more appreciative than you can imagine. We all want to be accepted for who we are-right? And it feels great when someone "gets us". So even if you don't really "get it" but you ACT like you do, it's still a step in the right direction. It's loving your kid. If you can only manage it once or twice, at least you're trying. Hang in there and hope to see you back :)
The Transgender Child by Stephanie Brill and Rachel Pepper
True Selves, Understanding Transsexualism by Mildred L. Brown and Chloe Ann Rounsley
Transgender Explained for those who are not by Joanne Herman
This a great place to start as the explanations are gentle, not in-your-face, and particularly in the case of True Selves, explain from the perspective of a transgender person. It's hard to not feel empathy after reading it.
By the way, if you're struggling with feeling sympathy or empathy-meaning you're just reeling from trying to absorb and accept and cannot possibly feel another emotion-FAKE IT!! Seriously-it will eventually come naturally. And if you can manage it, try to start using the pronoun of the gender your child feels he/she is, rather than the gender he/she was born-at least to the trans person and to immediate family members residing in the home. AGAIN-it will feel STRANGE as all H - E - double- toothpicks!!! It's a starting place and your kid will be more appreciative than you can imagine. We all want to be accepted for who we are-right? And it feels great when someone "gets us". So even if you don't really "get it" but you ACT like you do, it's still a step in the right direction. It's loving your kid. If you can only manage it once or twice, at least you're trying. Hang in there and hope to see you back :)
In the trenches
So, maybe you've known for a long time, or maybe you've just found out: but the son you've always known as a boy has just said he's a girl, or perhaps your daughter has informed you that she is actually a he. Depending on your belief system, your educational background, hell, on any number of variables, your reaction is: Disbelief (as in "Seriously, if this is a joke, it is NOT funny!"), or perhaps, Fear (as in, "holy crap, my kid is gonna get his/her head shoved into a toilet if anyone at school finds out."), possibly, Embarassment ("HOW will I explain to my friends? How many friends will I lose?"),to, perhaps, Revulsion ("That is unnatural!"). If your kid is coming out as a teen and didn't give any "obvious" signs, you probably never saw it coming. We didn't.
Aside from wanting to play with a kitchen set at age 3, our genetic son (you'll catch onto the lingo eventually, hang in there) didn't really do anything that screamed that he was actually a she. JD emulated his older brothers in the way siblings often do, didn't request feminine toys or articles of clothing, and was not "effeminate" that we knew of. When JD started to grow out "his" hair at age 10, we thought nothing of it as his brothers went through the same stage. When he shaved his legs the year he started running cross country, we accepted his goofball explanation that it cut down on his running time. Granted we didn't believe it, but hell, they were his legs!
If you're thinking we were too permissive, my initial inclination is to say, "This is not the blog for you, then" but I resist that base urge and say instead, "Consider being slightly permissive." What we're doing is working: our kid is showing all the signs of being a happy, healthy teenage girl, in spite of being born a genetic male. And isn't that REALLY what we want for our kids?
If you're of the mind that your child is violating the rules of the Creator, consider this: we're learning that gender identity is in the brain. To put it in my kid's words: God made me a female; mother nature screwed up. If you're struggling with that aspect, I encourage you to let it go and trust that God is merciful. Start there, let God judge, and for now, treat your child as the "least of my brothers" and do unto your child as you would do unto Jesus himself. That will, hopefully, calm your religious fears and allow you to support your kid so that he/she won't end up homeless or dead by his/her own hand. Sorry to be blunt, but that is the TRUE REALITY of transgender folks who are rejected by their families.
Start there. Just love your kid for today. Tomorrow will take care of itself. And come back for more words of encouragement. We've been in the trenches for over a year now....it gets better. And if you MUST research on the web, be cautious as there are some frightfully ignorant webpages out there. Try "Laura's Playground" and don't worry that the graphics seem childlike, it's full of great, sanctioned-by-professionals information. Hope to have you back :)
Aside from wanting to play with a kitchen set at age 3, our genetic son (you'll catch onto the lingo eventually, hang in there) didn't really do anything that screamed that he was actually a she. JD emulated his older brothers in the way siblings often do, didn't request feminine toys or articles of clothing, and was not "effeminate" that we knew of. When JD started to grow out "his" hair at age 10, we thought nothing of it as his brothers went through the same stage. When he shaved his legs the year he started running cross country, we accepted his goofball explanation that it cut down on his running time. Granted we didn't believe it, but hell, they were his legs!
If you're thinking we were too permissive, my initial inclination is to say, "This is not the blog for you, then" but I resist that base urge and say instead, "Consider being slightly permissive." What we're doing is working: our kid is showing all the signs of being a happy, healthy teenage girl, in spite of being born a genetic male. And isn't that REALLY what we want for our kids?
If you're of the mind that your child is violating the rules of the Creator, consider this: we're learning that gender identity is in the brain. To put it in my kid's words: God made me a female; mother nature screwed up. If you're struggling with that aspect, I encourage you to let it go and trust that God is merciful. Start there, let God judge, and for now, treat your child as the "least of my brothers" and do unto your child as you would do unto Jesus himself. That will, hopefully, calm your religious fears and allow you to support your kid so that he/she won't end up homeless or dead by his/her own hand. Sorry to be blunt, but that is the TRUE REALITY of transgender folks who are rejected by their families.
Start there. Just love your kid for today. Tomorrow will take care of itself. And come back for more words of encouragement. We've been in the trenches for over a year now....it gets better. And if you MUST research on the web, be cautious as there are some frightfully ignorant webpages out there. Try "Laura's Playground" and don't worry that the graphics seem childlike, it's full of great, sanctioned-by-professionals information. Hope to have you back :)
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